Most of any given month, I go with minimal, if any sexual stimulation. However, between 1 and 3 times per month, I watch hypnosis porn and do my thing for anywhere between 1 and 12 hours. This on it’s own would be fine, but the aftereffects, which last a couple hours unless I either ingest alcohol, a different sedative (sometimes melatonin is enough), or meditate on my breath in calm abiding meditation. The after effect is such that for an hour or so after, I still see the outline of sexual imagery when I close my eyes. In addition, the messaging in the videos is fairly negative and I don’t like it, which has made me want to make my own, less harmful videos for personal use, but have not done so. Finally, before I started using tor for this, my neighbors were able to spy on my wifi (which is easily done for the computer literate, which I know because on more than one occasion I’ve caught them gossiping about it with specific details shortly afterward  and thus not only do they know, but it’s possible a sexual predator could find out, and, if I were too disinhibited at the time, I might engage in sex I regret, possibly catch an std, possibly end up in a toxic relationship, or int the worst case, end up as a victim of human trafficking.

Thank you for being willing to discuss this, it even weirds my therapist out.

So, I don’t know a definition either, so here goes. There’s often a hypnosis spiral overlayed on the screen, sexual imagery, video, and instructional voices or word on the screen or both, which makes it interactive. Supposedly it will hypnotize you into performing sexual acts, but in my experience, they are not effective in that way unless you want them to be, however, they are very stimulating.

Oh, and I forgot to comment on sexual shame. We barely ever discussed sex in my life growing up, and in our culture there’s a strong anti-sex, anti-hedonism culture. People also look down on feminine sexuality in general and feminine men as well. Probably a lot of internalized homophobia, antiporn and antisex shame that was simply absorbed by being in my culture.

At the beach a person in a group said, very loudly, something like “he only leaves his house once of year around the 4th of July to go to the beach”, which corresponds to me rather perfectly for the past couple years, and once in the store, a group of people was staring at me, and one shouted the word “Vodka” at me, which seems likely to be a reference to the weekly bottle of vodka that I used to drink and purchase in the store a couple of years ago. Along with getting a lot of rude looks and occasional comments from people in various places on occasion. This has mostly happened at one specific store.

Now, this is something I would do if I were alone, however, my family always denies it’s happening and comments on my mental health, in effect, calling me crazy when I point it out, and being financially dependent on them, this does not help my situation. Otherwise, it would be an excellent solution, for now, until I have an income and my own transportation, I’ve found it best to simply minimize the frequency with which I leave the house. Not in an agoraphobic way, merely as the most efficient way to deal with the problem at this time.

I have mixed feelings on porn, without it, I would lack any significant outlet for my sexuality which could make me desperate enough to tolerate an unhealthy relationship just for access to sexual stimulation. Although, due to exploitation in the porn industry, I wish to switch to drawn and animated porn, which (probably) does not involve nearly as much exploitation. As it is, I’m glad it exists, just as I’m thankful psychiatric medication, alcohol, and cannabis exist, I just need to regulate and reduce the harm these things can cause in my life, in my opinion. For me, it’s not porn itself that is the main problem here, but the types of messaging in the type I’ve been consuming. I think the solution here is to take drawn and animated porn and compile it myself into a similar, yet less harmful type of video.

I will say it has had both good and bad effects in my life. Without it, I would feel like my sexuality was even less acceptable. Yet, it can also sometimes be a problem. With things like this, I favor a harm reduction approach that minimizes the negatives and maximizes the positives, which is why I’m looking toward compiling my own videos, so I can experience the potential benefits, without supporting exploitation or experiencing negative messaging from social attitudes expressed in what I have been watching.