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Relationship advice or a male perspective

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This topic contains 6 replies, has 5 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 days, 5 hours ago.

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  • #307251

    BeachGirl
    Participant

    I feel as if my husband has been having an emotional affair for the past few years, however he doesn’t see it that way. He is a truck driver and she was his dispatcher who was dating the boss. Anytime the boss and her were having issues she would call my husband for her shoulder to cry on. Any time he went to a new state he had to get her post cards as she’s a post card collector. had to get her birthday presents and even wanted to get flowers on a day that she was having a rough day. I brought the flowers as I didn’t want them coming from him. The boss and her ended up splitting and she eventually lost her job as she couldn’t keep it civil in the work place. After that my husband talked me in to sending her $850 to pay for a fine so she didn’t lose her license. I caught my husband texting her good morning beautiful, complaining about me and saying I was just with him for a meal ticket. I became friends with this girl. I did think she was a nice person and she was easy to talk to. My husband started seeming different with me and distant. He was working 7 days a week pretty much staying in the truck and never coming home. There’s no sex between the 2 as we are now 1500 miles away but they still were talking on a daily basis . We end up splitting as he felt I didn’t trust him and he took off to our home state where he did meet up with her for dinner but another friends were with them. I expressed how I felt with her thinking maybe she would take a step back. He did admit he felt something for her but was confused. We end up back working on us and things are going good until I text her a picture of him and she flips and tells him to fuck of but yet acts like everything is okay with me. Her and I are no longer talking. I don’t feel shes as sweet and innocent as she plays to be. I feel she either has feelings for my husband or like the attention she gets and can still keep tabs on her ex. Things have been so back and forth between us lately. He has been trying really hard and I feel more love with him now then I have in years but I’m still having a hard time with him talking to her. It just eats at me. So a few weeks ago I told him as long as he talked to her he doesn’t need to talk to me. We were apart and not communicating he kind of went crazy where I was worried he was going to do something stupid. He told me he loved me and didn’t want throw away the last 16 years. He offered to go to counseling and stop talking to her. Two things id never expected to hear so I agree. Here we are two weeks later and its still eating at me. I feel bad as I feel like he really is trying but I know she’s still texting him. He thinks I don’t see his side and don’t trust him  but I don’t feel like he understands why I feel the way I do either even when I keep explaining. He tells me if he wanted to be with her he would.

    Maybe i’m over reacting, maybe I’m crazy but something just feels off to me.

     

    #307281

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi BeachGirl,

    This state of affairs sounds very unhealthy indeed.  That last but one sentence “if he wanted to be with her he would” is aggressively pathetic.  He could have her if he wanted to!!  Is that supposed to be reassuring?  Boundaries have been crossed between what should have been a working relationship and what has become a personal relationship.

    Counselling is not a quick fix.  I think this really is a case that if he wants your marriage to work then you both have to cut all contact with this third person.  It’s no good going through the motions.  You don’t trust him (for good reason) and you just want him for a meal ticket according to him.  You are not ready to listen to/respect each other’s point of view.

    Counselling is there to help you open up  to more effective ways of communicating/relating to each other.  You probably need to explore together why he feels undervalued and why you see this woman as a threat to your marriage.

    I hope you can work this out.

    Peggy

    #307289

    anita
    Participant

    Dear BeachGirl:

    You wrote: “He offered to go to counseling and stop talking to her.. so I agree.. two weeks later.. she’s still texting him”-

    He offered to “stop talking to her”, meaning no talking, but texting with her is okay?

    If by “stop talking to her” meant no longer having contact with her, he should tell her to no longer text him or contact him in any way, and if she disrespects his assertion and keeps texting him, then he should block her from his phone.

    anita

     

    #307353

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi BeachGirl,

    I agree with Peggy and Anita. Both of you should cut contact from the girl and both block her from messaging you. She also needs to respect you and your husband’s relationship enough to stay out of it. Your husband says you don’t trust him, but he has crossed some pretty major boundaries here that I don’t think any wife would be okay with unless they were extremely naive. He may be feeling ashamed of his feelings though and just not want to admit it, so he tries to pass it off as you not trusting him (that way you’re the bad one and not him). It’s good that you are going to counseling, but it’s going to take some time for you to rebuild trust for him. Meanwhile he is going to have to prove that he is worthy of that trust with his actions (cutting all contact with that woman and keeping it that way).

    Do you know why he thinks you think of him as a meal ticket? That is something that will need to be cleared up during a counseling session as well. Counseling is great because the counselor can act as a mediator, which especially helps when there is mistrust between both people. It’s a good way to repair and rebuild.

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 3 days ago by  Valora.
    #307373

    Mark
    Participant

    BeachGirl

    What everyone else has said, i.e. have a clear, explicit agreement (he and you should consider that a contract) that your husband will not have any contact with this other woman which means blocking her and not initiating any contact.

    Counseling should be the forum with an impartial mediator that both of you hash out such issues as trust, seeing your side and his side of the marriage.  Ask the counselor to help each of you understand what your concerns are.

    My guess is that his side is that he wanted another woman who was more exciting and accepting of him.  She was/is this fantasy woman who was always nice, caring and did not demand anything of him.  The meal ticket comment probably came out of him feeling that that he is not valued by you.  He shows up at home with the paycheck and all he gets are complaints and demands rather than appreciation, caring, listening, etc.  I’m guessing here.

    A point to make with him to help him see what he has done was wrong is to flip the tables and tell him what if you spent all your time, emotional energy, sharing more intimate details of both of your lives with some other guy.  Plus ask him how he would feel if you took family money to help this guy out, like paying a traffic ticket or his rent.

    Mark

     

    #308159

    BeachGirl
    Participant

    Thank you all so much!

    #308237

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, BeachGirl. Post again anytime you want to.

    anita

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