Good Morning!
Anonymous,
Great job on reaching out and asking questions! The fact alone that you are doing so shows that you are definitely interested in self-help. Before I begin i would like to provide you a disclaimer if you will. I am going through a similar situation. My wife of 11 years (this October) and I have decided to separate. We have been having a rough patch with little to no connection with each other for almost a year. Keep in mind we have 3 small children (10, 8, and 6) so circumstances are a little different for the decision making process. I will share with you what I have learned over this time. It may work, it may not, some may say it’s the complete wrong advice. In the end, everyone is different and it is up to you to decide what works for you and what doesn’t.
With that being said, emotions can be very very similar during this times. She has not moved out yet, which is probably the worst part.. Now, a little background about us. I have previous military but have been out for about 7 years now so i have established a normal civilian relationship and way of life. Once I got married my life did a 180, I didn’t live in the barracks anymore drinking like a fish and playing call of duty 2 (This is when I start to feel old…). I became a husband, and like I do with most things, I gave every bit of energy into ensuring I was the best husband I could be, or at least I thought. Turns out, I started with little things, kind gestures, flowers, random calls just to let her know I loved her and I hope she was having a great day. Long story short(er) this continued my entire marriage. It elevated to more things, doing all of the laundry, dishes, etc. I would even lay out her favorite sleeping outfits on the bed before she got home from work so she could just unwind.
I found that after time this became expected. It didn’t feel as appreciated as it once did. So I thought, perhaps I should dial it back a bit and only do those things every once in a while. Then it hit me, I can’t do that, what if she thinks somethings wrong or that I don’t love her anymore, etc. So I continued being this “amazing” version of myself for the next 8 years. I got so used to doing all of these things that I actually tuned out my own needs. Not like physical needs such as common hygiene or sprinting to the bathroom, but needs that were underlying, affection, respect, appreciation, etc. I did so without even knowing. I didn’t notice it but after doing all of these things for so long, I wasn’t actually tuned into her needs either.
I just assumed that acts of kindness and helping her day to not be as stressful was showing my love. It wasn’t… I didn’t even realize that until we talked about our lack of connection. My wife actually approached me 3 or 4 times last year and said something to the extent of “I feel like we’re not connecting anymore” and I seriously thought to myself and said, “ah you’re crazy I don’t think so I feel great”…..really….. At that point I didn’t notice that it was her that was reaching out to me. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and boom separation is brought up. I was shocked and confused! How could this person that I do everything for say she wants out?! Being an “understandable” person that I try to be to keep the peace I listened to her, found out what she wants to the best of my ability, and let her know that whatever she needed I would support her in every way possible.
Needless to say, I was depressed, my wife of 11 years, 3 kids, 4 houses, 3 Iraq deployments, ups, down, ins, outs, was just giving up. Then I became angry, I screamed, I punched things, (not her or the kids of course, this was done in private) and I cried, oh man did I cry. Then I began to wonder, how is she not hurting like this?! Obviously she doesn’t love me as much as I love her…. Downward spiral of thoughts.. never ending. So, in my roller coaster of terrible emotions I began to search for answers, I needed friends to talk to, people that have dealt with this, etc. I reached out to old friends, even good female friends, and they all said the same thing that I hated… “you’ll be ok”.
Thanks! YES, I know I will be ok! I just need someone to help me through this. I’m 32 by the way. I read everything you can imagine online, books, blogs, etc. I found this place last week and it has been the most rewarding and informative than anything. Everyone also told me to “work on myself”.. are you kidding, I’m pretty amazing there’s nothing I need to work on. I have an amazing job.. like seriously amazing, I completed my Master’s program in April, my kids are amazing and I am a great dad. I mean obviously I wasn’t doing something right as a husband but it’s a tad too late for that. Then I figured out, there was things to work on. My emotions, my dreaded, roller coaster of fear, anger, anxiety, seeming depression, resentment. Well how in the hell do it do that?!
Articles told me the same thing, let your emotions happen, don’t hide them, don’t distract yourself because once the distraction is over you’re back to step one, finding another distraction (which is what I feel a rebound is when you immediately start searching for someone to fill the void of what you lost). Well that turned out to be more difficult than I could imagine, I didn’t sleep, I lost 20 lbs, I couldn’t eat without it wanting to come back up immediately. I knew it wasn’t healthy but I was at a loss.
Before I get into the next part I would like to explain the arrangement of our separation, it will make sense why in a bit. My wife is moving into an apartment, she says she needs to distance herself because she is hurt and angry (because I disregarded her needs). Now keep in mind that this decision to separate (for her) didn’t come easy, especially with children! It was developed over quite some time. During the separation we will communicate as normal, maybe not text as much, she requested that we not date other people because that is not what it is about, she asked if we could date each other during the separation, get to know each other again, etc. On weekends she even suggested that we still have some family time and we still attend events that we normally would as a family, she explained that she was not leaving just to bail on me or because she hated, she was doing this because she loves me and she doesn’t know what else to do at the moment, she also explained that if she didn’t love me and she didn’t want to work on and possibly restore our relationship then we would just divorce and not waist the time anymore.
Now, one might say, “Well why are you freaking out then?! It’s just space, you’re not divorcing!” True, but that’s not how my mind works. You see, as it turns out, after countless sleepless nights and days of searching how to fix this, I found out that I am an anxious attachment type. Not like a WebMD find either, I researched and researched because as a guy, I generally want to resolve issues immediately. I won’t get into details with what all that means but in summary, I more or less developed myself to this be always placing her needs above my own, like I said, not even knowing I was. After some time I found that those deeds I were doing that were originally just nice gestures, turned into a way for me to try to receive affirmation from her. They became expected, then went unnoticed. When no affirmation was gained, everything else I did just became a way for me to try to get that affirmation.
Now, I’m not saying her not giving affirmation was wrong, I am saying that the reason I continued doing these things was wrong, even if I didn’t know why at the time. I looked back at the things I always did for her over the past few years, and not all but a lot of them were selfish although it didn’t see like it.. An example of this would be me texting her to tell her “I love you” seems unselfish right? Well, it turns out that whenever she didn’t respond I felt rejected, my mind was crazy, I had a knot in my stomach. That’s when I knew the only reason I was telling her that was in hopes that I would hear it back! That’s terrible! I started looking again at self-help etc and honestly I don’t know if they helped or not, or if they did it would be for like 12 hours and then I was back to my sad, lonely self. Of course this was some temporary relief which is better than none, and it wasn’t a distraction so I kept reading, hours and hours of reading, hoping someone would give me the magic answer to end this pain.\
The problem is, it doesn’t just go away, it is something you have to work on continuously. Now, the most important and helpful information I have read about was, my attachment type, how I work and how to understand and control it, how to let go of things, and BOUNDARIES. I cannot stress enough about BOUNDARIES. I’ll be honest, my wife is psychotherapist and always talks about boundaries and I always think to myself, ok ok thanks… bullshit…. Well, as horrible as it is she was absolutely right!
You mentioned that you have ups and downs… I totally know what you mean. I know you may be thinking, “Yea ok, at least she wants to work on things.” That may be true, but we are separating… that’s a big deal and it may not play out how we hope it will. She tells me she is really scared I will move on and she will lose the best thing that has ever happened to her…. That makes me feel good, but at the same time, I can’t always control that. I know for a fact that I will not allow myself to be dragged through the mud. Even if it is an effort to save my marriage I must have boundaries. I HAVE to have those boundaries. You see, on an airplane, they always tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping other.. How am I supposed to help her, or our relationship when I am not taking care of myself? Simple, boundaries.
I am taking this opportunity to change my worldview, to better myself mentally, I KNOW now that I do NOT need her in my life. I think she is a great person and I love her and would like for her to be in my life, but in the end, I will only allow people in my life that aren’t toxic (not saying she is) because it’s a common issue with people that create a learned codependency behavior just like I did. I looked to her for my happiness. You always hear people say “It makes me happy when you’re happy” That’s great! It’s good to know that people care about others, but when that person isn’t happy or fulfilled, you should still be yourself and should not drag you down that much.
I think you are going the right direction with understanding and embracing your pain and emotions. I am doing the same. It sucks, it’s taking forever, it’s up and down and annoying! But I know that distraction isn’t the answer. Now, you say she was your emotional anchor (at least that’s what I’m gathering), well I’m here to tell you I know exactly how that feels too! Remember “Codependency” and look into it. I haven’t been alone in over a decade…. the thought is (was) frightening but I am learning very slowly how to deal with it. Now, I mentioned (I think), my wife hasn’t moved out yet. She moves out in three days. I work nights and she works days so we only see each other about twenty minutes everyday anyways and it’s usually filled with briefings of what is going on with the children and what events are taking place for the day. The worst feeling I have during this time is when I come home from work refreshed with a positive outlook and a great hope that our separation will being us together stronger than ever beaus we both need to work on ourselves, and then I see boxes, I see her closet becoming more empty, I see half-hearted, heartbroken smiles we exchange. It is emotionally confusing and draining to say the absolute least!
In regards to finding out how to live alone and be yourself again, i am right there with you. I literally have no idea. Many readings told me to think back about what I did that I enjoyed before my wife and I were together. Well, there’s a couple of problems with that, first of all, being in the military my entire adult life before I was married, all I really did was drink, party, and blow money like crazy, It was a good life! Obviously I can’t do that now, I am a father, I have much more responsibility, and let’s be honest, hangovers these days feel more similar to a near death experience than being in an explosion! I can’t tell you what you feel, but when I look back at our marriage, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, and most healthy marriages aren’t. I look back at the needs I didn’t have met and didn’t realize it, and then I begin to think about how I want something more than that. I deserve love just as much as the next person but I also now have established healthy boundaries which make me understand that if my needs aren’t met (reasonably of course) It is up to me to express that need and if needed rid myself of a relationship that brings me little to no joy.
I found that expectations are terrible. Don’t get me wrong, everyone should have expectations. What’s funny is, I have literally told everyone I know that is going through hard times to NEVER have expectations because they just might be a big let down. Turns out that’s not how it should be. It’s ok to have expectations, reasonable expectations, but setting those healthy boundaries have made me realize that I don’t need to place my happiness on expectations, it’s pure uncertainty. When I first agreed to the separation it was literally because I assumed that working on myself and bettering myself would win her or bring her back… I realized recently that that is not my priority anymore. I need to work on myself, for myself, because those healthy boundaries and knowing how I can’t control anyone or anything besides myself will help me in the event of future issue, either with my wife, or with a new partner. Below I placed a few links that were very beneficial to me during this time. It’s been a month since your post and I hope you are doing great! Even if you are, and your life is perfect at the moment, these are still hugely beneficial reads. Just remember it is ok to reach out for support. Feel free to reply and I will even give you my email just in case you want to talk directly!

How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 3 Crucial First Steps

This is my favorite and most helpful:

Let Go of Control: How to Learn the Art of Surrender

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

This last one will obviously give the scoop on attachment types. Not saying you have to know but it was super helpful for me to understand which one I was. Now that I have been using the information gathered from these three links, I have felt much much better about myself.

Good luck my friend!