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Relationship ends and wanting to heal and grow

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  • #214835
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi everyone,

    I started reading TinyBuddha a few days ago whilst waiting for my now ex-girlfriend and I really like the site and its content.

    My relationship ended after a difficult week where I was left alone in our home for three days whilst she went to her sisters, effectively leaving me in limbo but upon her return we broke up. Just over two years and my first relationship (I’m 27) and whilst I feel we have handled it maturely, and we both hope to remain friends (it ended as she felt we were not meant to be, which a part of me felt as well).

    Despite the amiacble nature of our break up I know that I will need time to heal, but the whole situation did raise a few issues that I hope you can share some advice on:

    1. I’ve never processed emotions in a healthy way, and in fact I cried for the first time this week, and rather than surpress them I’m trying to embrace them and ride the ups and downs. It’s really hard though as my emotional anchor has left, and I’m not in the right mindset to heal let alone discover my true self. Any ideas?
    2. I’m really up and down at the moment, I’ll be ok and feeling generally positive but then I’ll hit the bottom hard. I’m not sure if I miss her but rather the presence of her, and being in a big house alone is not helping. I’ve reached out to friends and family but as it’s been so sudden most of them are already busy this weekend. Any tips on how to handle loneliness and rediscover the joy of being alone?

    Thank you for your help.

    #214843
    Mark
    Participant

    Joshua,

    Good for you for working on yourself and reaching out for help.

    1. Embracing what you are feeling rather than trying to push them away or distract yourself from them is healthy.  Continue to honor what you are feeling.  The more you sit with them, the faster you will be able to move through them.  Healing comes from that.

    2. Sitting with what you are feeling (see #1) even if it is loneliness is ultimately good for you.  Journaling is good way to process things and to reflect on your life.

    Mark

    #214879
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you Mark, I greatly appreciate your response. It is certainly difficult to begin this journey of emotional mastery and learning to open up to others when the person I relied on for support in this area has gone. I know she will be there for me if and when I need her, I just need time to heal and for my body to forget the habits that you develop when together as a couple.

    #214893
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joshua:

    You asked: “it’s really hard though as my emotional anchor has left… to heal let alone discover my true self. Any ideas?”

    Share about your original emotional anchor, if you’d like, what happened between you as a child and the parent most present in your earlier life?

    anita

     

    #214937
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita,

    My parents divorced when I was 7, and my dad was estranged for several years before making making contact again. My mum, whilst amazing, has never been great at dealing with emotional situations and whilst I can rely on her and open up, the support I receive does not really compare to that which I had (although I was not aware of it) with my ex.

    My challenge is that I tend to put up walls (within myself and with others) rather than be vulnerable and risk getting hurt. I feel that this has caused me to lose a number of friends and potential relationships over the years. I am reaching out to people but I feel a bit distant as I am trying to to create those emotional bonds with friends whilst suffering from the heartache of losing someone I loved (even though I have come to the conclusion we we were not quite right for each other).

    #214939
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joshua:

    You wrote, “My challenge is that I tend to put up walls ..rather than be vulnerable and risk getting hurt”- the healthy way to be, I believe, is to evaluate first the person you are interacting with and upon that evaluation to choose to interact (including being vulnerable, gradually) or to not interact (put up those walls or let them stay.

    There are a few things you mentioned that I don’t understand or would like to understand better:

    1. You wrote, “My mum… has never been great at dealing with emotional situations”- what emotional situations are you referring to (an example, perhaps) and how did she deal with it?

    2. “I tend to put up walks (within myself”- will you explain?

    3. “we were not  quite right for each other”- how is that?

    4. “the support I received .. (although I was not aware of it) with my ex”- what support did you receive not having been aware at the time that you received?

    anita

     

    #214949
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Anita,

    1. Her first divorce (to my father) and subsequent relationships whilst I was growing up were not emotionally healthy, and it has only been recently where she has found some calm and learnt to handle things in a better way. I have asked her about this but she struggles to put it into words. She never really explained why relationships come to an end so all I really learnt to handle was the practical side of things, rather than the emotional stuff.
    2. Sorry, I meant to say walls! Recently I went through a tough time at work and was made redundant (budget cuts) and rather than be open about the financial pressure and stress I was feeling I shut myself off from my partner. I feel that whilst our relationship would have ended anyway, this came up as a big sticking point for her when we were talking things through during the break up itself. This is something that I do not want to repeat, but opening up leaves me feeling so vulnerable and I feel I’ll be mocked and seen as weak (which the logical part of me knows is ridiculous, yet I continue to feel that way).
    3. We were great together, and we did have fun, but I think we are ultimately at different life stages. She’s three years younger than me (I’m 27, she’s now 24) and when we first met she had little self confidence, a job she hated, and only really saw settling down as the only viable option. Over the last two years I’ve helped her discover a passion in social work, she’s started university a year ago and is now a far more confident person. She’s incredibly grateful for that but ultimately I think that’s what has led to our relationship ending. I gave her the confiideco to question what she really wanted at this point in her life, and unfortunately that was not me. This, and the emotional distance she felt from me (due to me putting up walls) led to her feeling that we were incompatible. I loved her throughout and part of me still does, but I do not think I showed it enough for her.
    4. I think I’m struggling the most at not having someone at home to talk to and just be with. I’m now in the house we were renting together on my own and although I have made lots of plans and I’m seeing friends regularly, I miss just having another living being (I also miss the cat, which she had before me so it went with her) with me. I’m trying to keep busy and let my emotions happen, but all I really want is a hug and to feel comforted and loved. I was single my whole life before her and I was ok, but now I’m opening up and I feel so alone.
    #214957
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joshua:

    It was my typing mistake (walks).

    You wrote (#1) that your mother’s relationship with your father and with men after your father while you were growing up were emotionally unhealthy and that she never explained to you why the relationships came to an end.

    As a child you didn’t have possession of the term “emotionally unhealthy”. You experienced her relationships growing up not in the intellectual “dry” way you refer to it now, as an adult.

    You wrote: “opening up leaves me feeling so vulnerable and I feel I’ll be mocked and seen as weak”- there is a clue here to how you did feel as a child, growing up with your mother and the different men in her life.

    I am guessing you did put away your feelings as a child, best you could, and tried to be and appear strong, perhaps so to help your mother, to make her stronger. Maybe to be strong against the man or men in her life. I am guessing you chose the intellect as your way of being, becoming perhaps intellectually precautious, expressing yourself like an adult would, from an early age. Any of this correct?

    I will be away from the computer and back in about sixteen hours. I hope to read more from you when I am back.

    anita

    #214959
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I think you’re pretty close to the mark Anita, to the point where I have teared up whilst reading your post.

    I’ve always been seen as the dependable chap who can offer practical advice to a situation. I don’t want to lose that about myself but at the same time I want to learn a better way of handling issues I face and those faced by my loved ones and friends.

    #214965
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joshua:

    If you would like, do share more about your childhood experience, how it was for you, how you felt, what you thought at the time, anything that may be relevant to the “teared up” feeling you mentioned in your recent post. If you do, I will read and reply when I am back to the computer, in about sixteen hours.

    anita

    #214969
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I believe it comes down to how I have built that intellectual wall around myself as a defensive mechanism. A close friend of mine once said I am in fact incredibly emotional and as I do not know how to handle it, I resort to logic and emotional suppression as a defence mechanism.

    I did not think much of it at the time but as I’ve been reflecting I have realised that he may well be onto something. I was 7 when my parents divorced and it is a bit fuzzy really, like looking through fog. But I know that since then I have closed myself off in a real way, I can say I love you but it always feels fake, even when I really mean it. That certainly contribured to my relationship ending, and as I never told her this until we broke up, it’s a mistake I do not want to repeat.

    I’ve never really felt that I am any good either. A part of me knows I’m a good guy (and I’ve been told it a lot) but I find it hard to believe. It’s like the inner me is still this shy, anxious teen who would never find love.

    Apologies for the rambling post! I am starting therapy on Thursday as a way to help explore some of these things and support my emotional growth.

     

    #215085
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joshua:

    I am glad you are starting therapy and hope your therapist is a capable therapist.

    Reads to me that as a child you were very much alone, not helped, not attended to, that you tried (as children do) to help your mother because she was in distress. But children do not having the emotional resources to be of such help.

    Children then do shut down, put up those walls you mentioned, as they focus on a parent who is not there to help the child, trying to help that parent.

    As adults we keep re-living our childhood experience, and when that experience was painful, so is our adult life. I hope you do explore that childhood experience so that you are able, over time, to experience a better life. Post again if you’d  like, anytime.

    anita

    #215127
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Thank you Anita, I already see light at the end of the tunnel and hope for a better, more emotionally connected future due to the kind words here and on Tiny Buddha in general.

    #215317
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Joshua:

    You are welcome to continue this thread, to continue our communication, over time. You can post when you want to, when you feel like sharing. I would like to respond to you every time you post.

    anita

    #219635
    Tom
    Participant

    Good Morning!
    Anonymous,
    Great job on reaching out and asking questions! The fact alone that you are doing so shows that you are definitely interested in self-help. Before I begin i would like to provide you a disclaimer if you will. I am going through a similar situation. My wife of 11 years (this October) and I have decided to separate. We have been having a rough patch with little to no connection with each other for almost a year. Keep in mind we have 3 small children (10, 8, and 6) so circumstances are a little different for the decision making process. I will share with you what I have learned over this time. It may work, it may not, some may say it’s the complete wrong advice. In the end, everyone is different and it is up to you to decide what works for you and what doesn’t.
    With that being said, emotions can be very very similar during this times. She has not moved out yet, which is probably the worst part.. Now, a little background about us. I have previous military but have been out for about 7 years now so i have established a normal civilian relationship and way of life. Once I got married my life did a 180, I didn’t live in the barracks anymore drinking like a fish and playing call of duty 2 (This is when I start to feel old…). I became a husband, and like I do with most things, I gave every bit of energy into ensuring I was the best husband I could be, or at least I thought. Turns out, I started with little things, kind gestures, flowers, random calls just to let her know I loved her and I hope she was having a great day. Long story short(er) this continued my entire marriage. It elevated to more things, doing all of the laundry, dishes, etc. I would even lay out her favorite sleeping outfits on the bed before she got home from work so she could just unwind.
    I found that after time this became expected. It didn’t feel as appreciated as it once did. So I thought, perhaps I should dial it back a bit and only do those things every once in a while. Then it hit me, I can’t do that, what if she thinks somethings wrong or that I don’t love her anymore, etc. So I continued being this “amazing” version of myself for the next 8 years. I got so used to doing all of these things that I actually tuned out my own needs. Not like physical needs such as common hygiene or sprinting to the bathroom, but needs that were underlying, affection, respect, appreciation, etc. I did so without even knowing. I didn’t notice it but after doing all of these things for so long, I wasn’t actually tuned into her needs either.
    I just assumed that acts of kindness and helping her day to not be as stressful was showing my love. It wasn’t… I didn’t even realize that until we talked about our lack of connection. My wife actually approached me 3 or 4 times last year and said something to the extent of “I feel like we’re not connecting anymore” and I seriously thought to myself and said, “ah you’re crazy I don’t think so I feel great”…..really….. At that point I didn’t notice that it was her that was reaching out to me. Fast forward to 2 weeks ago and boom separation is brought up. I was shocked and confused! How could this person that I do everything for say she wants out?! Being an “understandable” person that I try to be to keep the peace I listened to her, found out what she wants to the best of my ability, and let her know that whatever she needed I would support her in every way possible.
    Needless to say, I was depressed, my wife of 11 years, 3 kids, 4 houses, 3 Iraq deployments, ups, down, ins, outs, was just giving up. Then I became angry, I screamed, I punched things, (not her or the kids of course, this was done in private) and I cried, oh man did I cry. Then I began to wonder, how is she not hurting like this?! Obviously she doesn’t love me as much as I love her…. Downward spiral of thoughts.. never ending. So, in my roller coaster of terrible emotions I began to search for answers, I needed friends to talk to, people that have dealt with this, etc. I reached out to old friends, even good female friends, and they all said the same thing that I hated… “you’ll be ok”.
    Thanks! YES, I know I will be ok! I just need someone to help me through this. I’m 32 by the way. I read everything you can imagine online, books, blogs, etc. I found this place last week and it has been the most rewarding and informative than anything. Everyone also told me to “work on myself”.. are you kidding, I’m pretty amazing there’s nothing I need to work on. I have an amazing job.. like seriously amazing, I completed my Master’s program in April, my kids are amazing and I am a great dad. I mean obviously I wasn’t doing something right as a husband but it’s a tad too late for that. Then I figured out, there was things to work on. My emotions, my dreaded, roller coaster of fear, anger, anxiety, seeming depression, resentment. Well how in the hell do it do that?!
    Articles told me the same thing, let your emotions happen, don’t hide them, don’t distract yourself because once the distraction is over you’re back to step one, finding another distraction (which is what I feel a rebound is when you immediately start searching for someone to fill the void of what you lost). Well that turned out to be more difficult than I could imagine, I didn’t sleep, I lost 20 lbs, I couldn’t eat without it wanting to come back up immediately. I knew it wasn’t healthy but I was at a loss.
    Before I get into the next part I would like to explain the arrangement of our separation, it will make sense why in a bit. My wife is moving into an apartment, she says she needs to distance herself because she is hurt and angry (because I disregarded her needs). Now keep in mind that this decision to separate (for her) didn’t come easy, especially with children! It was developed over quite some time. During the separation we will communicate as normal, maybe not text as much, she requested that we not date other people because that is not what it is about, she asked if we could date each other during the separation, get to know each other again, etc. On weekends she even suggested that we still have some family time and we still attend events that we normally would as a family, she explained that she was not leaving just to bail on me or because she hated, she was doing this because she loves me and she doesn’t know what else to do at the moment, she also explained that if she didn’t love me and she didn’t want to work on and possibly restore our relationship then we would just divorce and not waist the time anymore.
    Now, one might say, “Well why are you freaking out then?! It’s just space, you’re not divorcing!” True, but that’s not how my mind works. You see, as it turns out, after countless sleepless nights and days of searching how to fix this, I found out that I am an anxious attachment type. Not like a WebMD find either, I researched and researched because as a guy, I generally want to resolve issues immediately. I won’t get into details with what all that means but in summary, I more or less developed myself to this be always placing her needs above my own, like I said, not even knowing I was. After some time I found that those deeds I were doing that were originally just nice gestures, turned into a way for me to try to receive affirmation from her. They became expected, then went unnoticed. When no affirmation was gained, everything else I did just became a way for me to try to get that affirmation.
    Now, I’m not saying her not giving affirmation was wrong, I am saying that the reason I continued doing these things was wrong, even if I didn’t know why at the time. I looked back at the things I always did for her over the past few years, and not all but a lot of them were selfish although it didn’t see like it.. An example of this would be me texting her to tell her “I love you” seems unselfish right? Well, it turns out that whenever she didn’t respond I felt rejected, my mind was crazy, I had a knot in my stomach. That’s when I knew the only reason I was telling her that was in hopes that I would hear it back! That’s terrible! I started looking again at self-help etc and honestly I don’t know if they helped or not, or if they did it would be for like 12 hours and then I was back to my sad, lonely self. Of course this was some temporary relief which is better than none, and it wasn’t a distraction so I kept reading, hours and hours of reading, hoping someone would give me the magic answer to end this pain.\
    The problem is, it doesn’t just go away, it is something you have to work on continuously. Now, the most important and helpful information I have read about was, my attachment type, how I work and how to understand and control it, how to let go of things, and BOUNDARIES. I cannot stress enough about BOUNDARIES. I’ll be honest, my wife is psychotherapist and always talks about boundaries and I always think to myself, ok ok thanks… bullshit…. Well, as horrible as it is she was absolutely right!
    You mentioned that you have ups and downs… I totally know what you mean. I know you may be thinking, “Yea ok, at least she wants to work on things.” That may be true, but we are separating… that’s a big deal and it may not play out how we hope it will. She tells me she is really scared I will move on and she will lose the best thing that has ever happened to her…. That makes me feel good, but at the same time, I can’t always control that. I know for a fact that I will not allow myself to be dragged through the mud. Even if it is an effort to save my marriage I must have boundaries. I HAVE to have those boundaries. You see, on an airplane, they always tell you to put your oxygen mask on before helping other.. How am I supposed to help her, or our relationship when I am not taking care of myself? Simple, boundaries.
    I am taking this opportunity to change my worldview, to better myself mentally, I KNOW now that I do NOT need her in my life. I think she is a great person and I love her and would like for her to be in my life, but in the end, I will only allow people in my life that aren’t toxic (not saying she is) because it’s a common issue with people that create a learned codependency behavior just like I did. I looked to her for my happiness. You always hear people say “It makes me happy when you’re happy” That’s great! It’s good to know that people care about others, but when that person isn’t happy or fulfilled, you should still be yourself and should not drag you down that much.
    I think you are going the right direction with understanding and embracing your pain and emotions. I am doing the same. It sucks, it’s taking forever, it’s up and down and annoying! But I know that distraction isn’t the answer. Now, you say she was your emotional anchor (at least that’s what I’m gathering), well I’m here to tell you I know exactly how that feels too! Remember “Codependency” and look into it. I haven’t been alone in over a decade…. the thought is (was) frightening but I am learning very slowly how to deal with it. Now, I mentioned (I think), my wife hasn’t moved out yet. She moves out in three days. I work nights and she works days so we only see each other about twenty minutes everyday anyways and it’s usually filled with briefings of what is going on with the children and what events are taking place for the day. The worst feeling I have during this time is when I come home from work refreshed with a positive outlook and a great hope that our separation will being us together stronger than ever beaus we both need to work on ourselves, and then I see boxes, I see her closet becoming more empty, I see half-hearted, heartbroken smiles we exchange. It is emotionally confusing and draining to say the absolute least!
    In regards to finding out how to live alone and be yourself again, i am right there with you. I literally have no idea. Many readings told me to think back about what I did that I enjoyed before my wife and I were together. Well, there’s a couple of problems with that, first of all, being in the military my entire adult life before I was married, all I really did was drink, party, and blow money like crazy, It was a good life! Obviously I can’t do that now, I am a father, I have much more responsibility, and let’s be honest, hangovers these days feel more similar to a near death experience than being in an explosion! I can’t tell you what you feel, but when I look back at our marriage, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, and most healthy marriages aren’t. I look back at the needs I didn’t have met and didn’t realize it, and then I begin to think about how I want something more than that. I deserve love just as much as the next person but I also now have established healthy boundaries which make me understand that if my needs aren’t met (reasonably of course) It is up to me to express that need and if needed rid myself of a relationship that brings me little to no joy.
    I found that expectations are terrible. Don’t get me wrong, everyone should have expectations. What’s funny is, I have literally told everyone I know that is going through hard times to NEVER have expectations because they just might be a big let down. Turns out that’s not how it should be. It’s ok to have expectations, reasonable expectations, but setting those healthy boundaries have made me realize that I don’t need to place my happiness on expectations, it’s pure uncertainty. When I first agreed to the separation it was literally because I assumed that working on myself and bettering myself would win her or bring her back… I realized recently that that is not my priority anymore. I need to work on myself, for myself, because those healthy boundaries and knowing how I can’t control anyone or anything besides myself will help me in the event of future issue, either with my wife, or with a new partner. Below I placed a few links that were very beneficial to me during this time. It’s been a month since your post and I hope you are doing great! Even if you are, and your life is perfect at the moment, these are still hugely beneficial reads. Just remember it is ok to reach out for support. Feel free to reply and I will even give you my email just in case you want to talk directly!

    How to Set Healthy Boundaries: 3 Crucial First Steps


    This is my favorite and most helpful:

    Let Go of Control: How to Learn the Art of Surrender

    https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/compassion-matters/201307/how-your-attachment-style-impacts-your-relationship

    This last one will obviously give the scoop on attachment types. Not saying you have to know but it was super helpful for me to understand which one I was. Now that I have been using the information gathered from these three links, I have felt much much better about myself.

    Good luck my friend!

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