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Romantic disappointments in a relationship

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  • #52951
    dream
    Participant

    Dear alls, I apologize for the profanity of my problem, still hoping that someone could have the advice or a useful comment. I am in a relationship of almost one year now, and I am 30 my boyfriend is 36 year old. This relationship is going really really well I was falling for this guy completely, except for a two let´s say SCANDALS recently.
    I will try to make it short.1) Since our anniversary is approaching we were reminiscing about how we met and our first time making love – not only that he forgot where it was …he completely wronged the place, mentioning his sisters´apartment and bedroom, where I never was. He also couldn´t remember where he kissed me for the first time…it was in a restaurant garden, but he said my doorstep. Whatta romantic disappointment 🙁 I was so hurt..for a few days but we overcame it somehow.

    2)Next, and fresh issue is that I have small breasts 34 B, and I am very aware of it, I even said it a few times through joke (I think it was first time we were making out: “I have a confession to make: I have small boobs”- we both smiled.). Two nights ago we were reading an article “10 things men notice first in women” it said: 1. face 2.eyes 3.bum 4.legs 5.boobs. My boyfriend said it is a stupid list and the men only look first boobs and then bum. With a smile, I said how did we end up together then, if you think so. The long and ugly discussion it turned into -he insisted so much, telling me that his married friends and friends with girlfriends only stare at the women´s good breasts and bums when they are together, and show each other messages after one night stands-and he said he doesn´t do that) . I was trying to explain how they are disgracing themselves and their girlfriend by doing this, and that I believe in a possibility of a relationship without this. At one point I said: “AS far as I know, from my male friend and exes never had problem with small breasts” He said “Yes but they certainly wished that they had woman with bigger t*ts” … I felt really bad after this. Even if this is true (it is no NEWS for me that men like big breasts) I thought it is really ugly behaviour to tell me this. What should I do…I feel more than uncomfortable now, to make love with him! I feel he s not enough attracted to me. In fact I cannot imagine it! I desperately need your help to balance this out… Thank you so much in advance..

    #52954
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    Hello!

    I think it’s an error in perception to think that even the majority of men would prefer large breasts so much that they would prefer their girlfriend’s to be bigger than they actually are. I hate to say it, but if he claims that, then he’s projecting his own desires. Also, it was ugly behavior to take something that you are sensitive about and say something like that. I’m not sure what to say about forgetting your first times, as I’m not sure how important those things to are to people in general. Or how important it is to remember the surroundings of an event.

    It would be easy to say that he’s being a jerk and you should dump him, but I’d rather ask a bit of self-awareness from you. You say that you are very aware of having small breasts. So having 34B breasts is an issue for you. That it’s not an issue for everyone, but is in an issue for you. Nothing wrong with that, we all have certain issues, but I think it’s important that you acknowledge that it is something that you think might lead to rejection. You have then chosen a man who has now taken a stab at exactly that issue.

    I have noticed it in my own life and in the life of others that we all have some issue that we seem to gravitate towards and then play out. People who expect to be rejected act in ways and make choices that will eventually always lead to rejection. If you really expected a man to accept you as you are and treat you with respect, then you wouldn’t even be here asking others what you should do. You would’ve chosen a man who adored you as you are and you would know exactly how to react to someone who deliberately hurt you.

    Now having said that, we only have your word and of course there’s no way of knowing if he simply is completely oblivious to his words being hurtful to you. So you definitely should express, without attacking him, that what he said was painful for you to hear. If he doesn’t care, then if I were you, I would really think long and hard why did you choose to be with him. Be honest about what are the reasons that you are falling for him. What does he give you that you want? Do you feel good and peaceful in his company in general? Do you feel like you can be yourself?

    It’s not about passing judgement. We all choose differently for different reasons and we get different things out of relationships, and it’s not always love.

    #52955
    BRUNO
    Participant

    From my male perspective and without opening a forum to anything degrading in nature-

    1) I would have to google 34B to get an idea-no reference to you only that I’m not familiar with sizing not sure how many men keep that info on hand.(it is also true that the internet introduces us to many a shape and size and each one has it’s own quality-this is just nature, nothing obscene)

    2) in my case, a woman’s physique becomes associated with her character or vice versa when i feel attracted to her therefore if i find something cute about her the rest follows including size and shape of things.I also wouldn’t worry about them as long I was the only one with the privilege of admiring them.(if you don’t mind me asking, what were the other 5 things?I would have you know that from teenagers men carry on discussions about their dream girls and about what they like the most- I don’t think you can escape that.However i do know that each individual goes for things altogether and that what some guys like other’s would not notice.Women can make the most of anything and though i can feel an instant physical desire for women of great typified sex appeal, i have never fallen completely for anyone of them more than the girl who sat next to me at school and was a Plain Jane.These are the ones who usually take our hearts away- the one you can kiss for ages without regard for whether they still have clothes on or not

    You are concerned with the romance associated with physical intimacy- rightly so – it terrifies me , to the extent that it is far easier to only attend to one of the two at any given time which is sad since the fulfillment of a relationship can never come to fruition within that framework or, which should be the case , that intimacy is a factor of spontaneity and has nothing to do with size and shape but with the underlying mutual feeling of appreciation of the other in an integral manner having nothing to do with the size or shape of things- Don’t discuss it at all especially if it makes you feel uncomfortable- Nature has a way of blurring it out.

    I can say that today’s world has brought about too much commentary about what we should do about sex, how to do it when how many times etc which detracts from what couples really do.I can also say that i have one ocasion discussed this particular attribute with a friend privately about a proposed romance in my life and regretted it quite severely since it has nothing to do with what i most liked about that person.Intimacy should rule, i think if you creat the right conditions for it you will feel comfortable again-it’s not a task or something which needs to happen rather something which happens wheni t does because it should.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 8 months ago by BRUNO.
    #52978
    dream
    Participant

    Bruno, The Ruminant, Thank you! For very clear, informative and incredibly useful advices.
    I am considering them carefully and I will write it down soon..

    p.s.”Terrain” update: he has just dropped by with flowers, apologized for unthoughtful comments during our discussion. He was assuring me those are not part of his personality, and that he was talking about mainstreams. This is confusing.. :/

    #53051
    Brooke
    Participant

    I have some insecurities about mine as well. Im a 32AA to 32A. Which is basically nothing. Ive been with a few men throughout my life and all have had nothing to say about them. If the size is so important to your man then he probably wouldve come up with a reason to leave. But I dont think all men are that superficial. Have you considered augmentation. I know embracing what you have is a strong a beautiful thing but I considered it as well and will more then likely pull through with it in the future. Ive always wanted bigger ones just because I do look a little boyish. Nothing bad about it but I know id be more confident and happy afterwards. Nothing drastic or “fake looking”. Might make your bedroom life a little more exciting and theres nothing wrong with that. Most men like boobs and as women we choose to decide whether or not we let it bother us or not.

    #53054
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    That’s nice. I hope you can have a serious and calm discussion about it and you get to express what is important to you and what kind of things make you feel inadequate and influences your sex drive. Men have insecurities as well, so he should be able to understand what it feels like if someone takes that very insecurity and pokes at it.

    I hope you can both take something from this experience that will help you grow and love more!

    #53055
    The Ruminant
    Participant

    I know this may not be a welcome thought, but as someone with an ample chest: it’s not going to magically make everything better, guarantee a happy sex life or give lots of nice attention from fellow humans. We are so consumed with the thoughts of something (anything) in us being too big or too little that we completely forget the positive aspects of having exactly that sized body part. There is someone out there thinking the exact opposite, how they would do anything to have what you have. Yet we keep staring at the grass on the other side of the fence.

    As an example, fashion is basically designed for women with smaller chests. Something that looks really beautiful and delicate on a model will look absolutely ridiculous on a more voluptuous person. Also, large boobs can be seen as an invitation to treat you as merely an object, not a fellow human being with thoughts and feelings. Certain things just trigger emotions in others and it’s usually not very pretty. Even those who lust after you can treat you like garbage and think that it’s OK because you possess something they desire.

    There is always a dark side to something that from far seems like something shiny and great.

    #53073
    Will
    Participant

    On the first point: he remembers your first time differently. I don’t think that’s a big deal. Memory is unreliable. Yeah, it would be very romantic if you both remembered it exactly the same way, but the fact that you don’t doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. Laugh it off.

    The second point: ow. See, I’m a 34B (ish), and I think my breasts are fantastic. I certainly would not want them to be bigger. So your self-conciousness is not to do with the size of your breasts, it’s to do with you. Sorry to be hard on you, but it’s true. Your size isn’t a problem, you’ve just made it one in your own mind.

    When he was talking about what men (those men out there, or as he put it, “the mainstream”) want in a woman, he probably wasn’t thinking about himself, or about you and the size of your breasts. He’s probably not nearly as aware of the size of your breasts as you are. I agree he blundered, but so does he, hence the flowers. Try to be willing to forgive him, and have an in-depth talk about what he finds attractive about you. He’ll probably have a lot to say that doesn’t have anything to do with your breasts, and you may hear that actually he likes your breasts, too. But he’s not in a relationship with a pair of breasts. That’s ridiculous. I think his assumption that men always want their small-size girlfriends to have bigger boobs is ridiculous, too. He himself shows that isn’t true, it’s just a dumb cliche we hold about men.

    I’m not saying men aren’t into boobs. Many of them are. The heterosexual ones, anyway. What I’m saying is, it’s more complicated than that, and you really shouldn’t worry about being small.

    Something to consider about augmentation: many women who have breast enhancement surgery lose sensation in their nipples, that is, their nipples become less sensitive and capable of giving them pleasure. To give up your potential for pleasure for the sake of your appearance is, excuse my French, nucking futz. Don’t do it. Embrace your breasts the size they are.

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