Home→Forums→Relationships→Seeking clarity about a relationship
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anita.
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June 3, 2024 at 2:42 am #433407
GoingThroughLifeParticipantHi Anita, I understand what you’re trying to say, but it’s not about that she’s unavailable. It was never about that. I wasn’t even angry about it. I just felt a really strong connection which was reciprocated to me, I miss that connection with her. I haven’t been able to focus on my work for the past few days and just trying to get my thoughts off this.
That same connection I haven’t felt entirely with SS. And I think besides feelings I’m starting to get attached to SS which I’m not keen of. I was never attached to EN.
Thanks
June 3, 2024 at 9:48 am #433415
anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
This is what you shared about EN, summarized: you met her through a dating app in Sept 2023, met her in-person two times only, and communicated long-distance almost everyday for 4 months, until Dec 2023, when she told you that it’s best to stop talking because of the distance and the timing, and a few days later, she told you that she met someone else. At one point, she offered to stay friends with you, but you declined, saying that if you want to be friends, you will reach out to her. You reached out to her at the end of March, or very early April 2024, and her response: “she isn’t looking forward to a friendship, saying her new boyfriend may feel uncomfortable.”
About your feelings for her, you shared (the boldfaced are your words) that communicating almost everyday with her over the course of 4 months was nice and fun, you started to fall for her, you felt that your feelings for her were reciprocated, you miss that connection with her, feeling a strong pure bond to her, and that on one hand, your feelings for her scare you, and on the other, thinking about her makes you smile a lot. And last thing you added in your most recent pot is: “I was never attached to EN“.
This is what you shared about SS: you met her in Feb 2024, she is nice and sweet and she’s smart too, but you don’t want to through your attachment issues, and focus on your goals instead. You are thinking about breaking up with her because you don’t feel such a strong connection with her, you miss EN a lot, and want a connection like you had with EN. You added, in your most recent post: “And I think besides feelings I’m starting to get attached to SS which I’m not keen of“.
Back in Jan 30 (page 1) I added online quotes about the avoidant attachment style, including what you shared about another young woman, SK: “It was a very passionate and lovely relationship… I was really attracted to her”, “I broke up with her.. got into FWB… I again pulled myself away. I did this push and pull a lot with her“.
In your Jan 30- 31 replies, you wrote: “I agree with the fearful avoidant attachment style… Even now when I think someone will love me, I will end up pushing them away. I’m scared of that deep commitment… I regret a lot not accepting her love… My emotions were always numbed with SK. I refused to say I love you to her many times, I was scared, I (have) burst out with anger sometimes too… I was never emotionally dependent on anyone since I was young“.
Normally, I’d follow the above with my analysis, but this time, I would like you to sit with the above for a while and come up with your own, thoughtful analysis over time of calm contemplation.
I find these sentences in your post of seven hours ago most interesting: “I think besides feelings I’m starting to get attached to SS which I’m not keen of. I was never attached to EN.“- I would very much like to read your analysis including what these two sentences mean.
anita
September 17, 2025 at 8:21 pm #449916GoingThroughLifeParticipantHi Anita,
How have you been?
I hope you’re well and really good. I hope we can start our conversations here again.
Praying to hear from you soon
Your friend,
GoingThroughLifeSeptember 17, 2025 at 8:35 pm #449917anitaParticipantWe can definitely restart our conversation, Going Through Life. 😊
Tell me more and I’ll be back to you Thurs morning (Wed night here).
🌿 Anita
September 17, 2025 at 8:38 pm #449918GoingThroughLifeParticipantIt’s so nice to hear from you, I missed our conversations and your insights.
I again find myself in a going through life stumble. I apologize for not keeping you updated with you on our past conversations.
I found a new relationship in February 2024 and now in September 2025, I find that the girl I’m seeing cheated on me. We had been going through a rough patch for the past few months but this was something unexpected.
I again seek your kind insights and support dear Anita.
Hoping to hear from you
GoingThroughLifeSeptember 17, 2025 at 10:18 pm #449920GoingThroughLifeParticipantI’ll write this post to give you a brief Anita. Let’s call the most recent girl SS.
When we met I was not so attracted to her physically but I liked her nature, she seemed trustworthy, and I was looking for a partnership, so I pursued. From the start I didn’t show much emotions towards her. I did not even say I love you to her in the first year, while she did.
I’m still haven’t carved out a career yet and really busy in all that stress, I couldn’t give more time to her. With time I started to not enjoy talking to her, like I don’t like her by her physical attributes but emotionally I was fine.
I even tried to break up in the first year but we came back together.
Last night I got to know that she cheated on me with a senior in her college. And I don’t know what to feel, I miss the safety a bit of her too.
September 18, 2025 at 11:49 am #449963anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
I hope that soon, going through life will be a more rewarding experience for you, and it will, with better understanding and more awareness (more of these two things is making my life more rewarding 😊)
In regard to SS, we talked about her back in June 2024. We also talked about the fearful- avoidant attachment style.
I know this attachment style personally. For me, it started with a parent who “loved” me at times and deeply hurt me at other times. So, I learned to associate love (affection, emotional closeness) with pain.
Anything like that, in your experience?
🌿 Anita
September 18, 2025 at 11:54 am #449964anitaParticipant* Forgot to add: I am sorry she cheated on you 😔
September 18, 2025 at 10:27 pm #449979GoingThroughLifeParticipantHi Anita, again thanks for your reply.
Yes I am aware of the fearful avoidant style of mine and it had spillovers with SS too. It took me 1 year to say “I love you” to her and I was not keen to share a lot about my personal life to her. She kept asking for it and with time I did open to her, I was okay with it.
After I think April 2025, SS and me started having a lot of fights which continues till the day she cheated. She and her best friend planned to not tell me, but I still got to know from a good friend. So this best friend let’s call her SG was dating someone, who’s the good friend now. SG cheated on her boyfriend almost an year ago and I knew about it, I was asked not to tell him. A few nights ago he called me asking to tell him the truth, I told him and he told me. And I broke up.
Anita this relationship things go on. But something I’m really concerned about the confusion I have regarding everything in life career, job, relationships, money and future. I guess it comes out of a feeling of being scared and under confidence. I’d like you to give me insights on this confusion which I’m not able to solve.
September 18, 2025 at 10:42 pm #449980anitaParticipantWill read and reply Fri morning, Going-through-Life (Thurs night here)… Take good care of you!
September 19, 2025 at 9:15 am #449996anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
You wrote that you are confused about these aspects of your life: career/ job, money, relationships and the future.
Can you pick one aspect, for now, and explain best you can what the confusion is about, as concretely as you can?
🌿 Anita
September 20, 2025 at 3:28 pm #450025GoingThroughLifeParticipantDear Anita, thanks for your reply.
Yes, we can focus on career and future if possible for now. I guess I never believe in myself and have faith, that things would work out. I am not able to stick to do one thing, which may make me a jack of all trades, but not amaster of one. I haven’t found my passion and jn just pursuing anything just for the money in it.
This kind of confusion spells over to my life’s other aspects too
By the way SS says she went out with that guy, got drunk a bit, went to his room and only kissed him and then stopped, nothing else happened. I may have been a bad boyfriend as per her but I never cheated. And anita you know how Iseek out relationships for the safety. I know I don’t want to get into a relationship with her again, moving on is better. I’m just angry how easily and consciously she ruined it.
Thanks for listening Anita
GoingThroughLife
September 20, 2025 at 3:35 pm #450026GoingThroughLifeParticipantAnita
To be true, I want to take revenge, she apologized, cried and gave me all type of explanation. Ik I miss her but I just want to take revenge. My childhood friend advices against it, but I just want to. She so easily killed us. Also I got comfortable with her, I miss that security too.
September 20, 2025 at 10:26 pm #450028anitaParticipantI will reply best I can, Going Through Life, Sun morning (It’s Sat night here).
🌿 Anita
September 21, 2025 at 10:13 am #450040anitaParticipantDear Going Through Life:
You wrote yesterday, “Yes, we can focus on career and future if possible for now. I guess I never believe in myself and have faith, that things would work out. I am not able to stick to do one thing, which may make me a jack of all trades, but not a master of one. I haven’t found my passion and in just pursuing anything just for the money in it. This kind of confusion spells over to my life’s other aspects too”-
I just went over your thread. We mostly talked about the romantic relationships in your life, and now (right above), a bit about your work life. But we talked only a bit about your home life with your parents. This is my understanding this morning:
On Jan 29, 2024, you shared among other things, about having been bullied at school, and about your mother being always depressed and crying a lot when you were growing up- these experiences injured you emotionally, creating emotional wounds, so to speak (would have happened to any child in your place).
These wounds are painful to attend to, distressing.. who wants to attend to something that’s causing distress..?
Thing is (and again, it is my understanding), what happens when you don’t attend to these wounds, a whole part of you is being sort of dormant, or numb.. like passion in regard to work, not knowing what would bring you passion.
To know yourself more, it takes attending to those wounds: to look at them closer, to understand, to increase awareness, and in so doing, to reconnect with the parts of you that are dormant, and to calm the parts that are overly reactive (like the part that wants to take revenge, yesterday)
Any romantic relationship (with a decent woman)- will be positively different if wounds are attended to.
It’s not that you are broken and need fixing, Going Through Life.. it’s that what is true for everyone is also true for you: early life emotional wounds need to be attended to for the purpose of healing and recovery.
Again, I know how difficult it’d be. You said you tried therapy, but it didn’t help.. right?
🌿 Anita
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