Dear Caroline:

You are welcome. (I didn’t recommend any particular book on overcoming learned helplessness because I didn’t read any. I was thinking out loud that maybe reading such will help you).

“I find everything more difficult because I think I am less capable in life than other people. I know my mother used to/still is this way, she does not believe in herself, thinks simple tasks are too much for her, whereas other people can do it with no problem because they are.. more capable. Seems like I learned that from her. She always worries how I handle things, maybe part of her really cares and is worried but part of her probably thinks I cannot deal with some things because I am like her“-

– (1) seems like from the beginning of your life, your mother projected herself into you, seeing herself in you, and giving you the message that you are.. her, in this regard.  (2) A mother is like a mirror to the young child, and what she reflects to the child, is what the child believes she is. Therefore, you believed early on that you are less capable in life than other people. (3) I wonder if part of you, a part that is the very young girl in you, feels that if you become more capable, like other people, you will be betraying your mother, moving to the other people side of the world, leaving your mother all alone in the incapable side of the world, so to speak, and/ or that you will lose her love, and therefore, you will be all alone. (To a young child, Mother is Everything/ Everyone, and without her, the child is.. all alone).

“I would like to change that. I already accomplished more than she ever did and I did it without help of family or other people“- congratulations!

* I wonder about your reaction to what I wrote above (3), and I hope that you will contemplate it over time, because maybe such early thinking stands in your way of changing this core belief (of being less capable in life than other people).

“And yes I focus on negatives a lot. There are a lot of good sides in this job offer: more money, learning new things, being part of the team, doing something that I would be rewarded for just by being in this team as they are already successful. And There’s this bad side which is late hours and all I can think about it this one. Its a huge disadvantage, yes. But I catastrophize it“-

– if you refuse this job, I will not be surprised if you find yourself in the afternoons focusing on negatives (the lot of good sides in this job that you missed), overthinking it and feeling badly. This will fit the pattern of focusing on and overthinking the negatives, won’t it?

I think that before you refuse this job, if you choose to refuse it, you should plan on how to deal with the expected regret…?

I suggested that you evaluate the positives and negatives with a calm, resourceful mental attitude, and you wrote: “I am doing this, trying to be peaceful about it. I feel better today that two days ago. I will give myself another day to get familiar with this idea.“- good. We do our best thinking when calm.. and our worst when distressed, panicking and catastrophizing.

anita

Dear Caroline:

I too thought it was a very good point… (smile). I’ll be back to the computer Sun morning (in about 9 hours from now)

anita

Dear Caroline:

“I have found a book titled ‘Understanding and Overcoming Learned Helplessness’. So I assume this is just a coincidence and you did not recommend this particular one?“- yes, I googled and came across one by Dennis Kerry, and another by Lexie Hay (again, I didn’t read these books, and I am not familiar with the authors). There is also a pdf & worksheets available online on the topic (journey to recovery. com)

“I have to ‘pretend’ to be incapable because otherwise my mother would feel.. inferior to me, so to speak. I have a feeling sometimes that she is fragile and I cannot be powerful in her presence“- meaning that if you behaved as a capable woman with power to shape circumstances, she would .. break? How..???

“I think I did a lot of calm thinking over past days. It showed me that I always need more time to make a decision, that’s what I learned for the future“- good learning! to apply!

anita

Dear Caroline:

You are welcome. * Note: I just finished this short post and I feel quite overwhelmed by my current understanding. The following may be distressing to you, so please read it when you are prepared. You can choose to not read it at all.

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“I know my mother used to/still is this way, she does not believe in herself, thinks simple tasks are too much for her, whereas other people can do it with no problem because they are…more capable… I have to ‘pretend’ to be incapable because otherwise my mother would feel.. inferior to me, so to speak. I have a feeling sometimes that she is fragile and I cannot be powerful in her presence… she would feel inferior to someone who is powerful“-

– seems like your mother does not wish for you to be capable and powerful/ resourceful because that would make her feel inferior to you, and envious of you. So to please her, to make her better, you.. pretend to be incapable, powerless and inferior, like her.

Back in Oct 8, 2022, you wrote: “my mom started being ashamed of me…she naturally thought her child was inferior“- or she wanted her daughter to be inferior, like her. As a child, you knew what she wanted from you and you accommodated her (is what I am now thinking).

In Oct 18, 2022, you wrote: “We have this colleague… I do not act inferior with her, I noticed. Sometimes I feel … guilty? That I am ‘superior“- here it is, the projection of your mother into this colleague, as I understand it: to please your mother, to get her approval, as a child, you took on the role of incapable, inferior. You knew and still, you know that this is what she wants from you and you feel too guilty to take (that role) away from her…?

anita