Home→Forums→Relationships→self doubt, not being sure of my decisions
- This topic has 42 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 1 year ago by Caroline.
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September 8, 2023 at 10:58 am #421931CarolineParticipant
But my question is, Is it something you noticed and wanted to point out (which is very correct btw) or does this apply to my current situation with changing jobs?
September 8, 2023 at 11:33 am #421933anitaParticipantDear Caroline:
I read your recent first post attentively. Congratulations for the progress you have made in regard to your learned helplessness. I googled today, by the way, overcoming learned helplessness: there are books on the topic, one of which is “Understanding and Overcoming Learned Helplessness“. Maybe such will help you.
Your second post: “But my question is, Is it something you noticed and wanted to point out (which is very correct btw) or does this apply to my current situation with changing jobs?“- I believe that it very much applies to your current situation with changing jobs. When you have a core belief that you are not capable enough to deal with life, everything is more difficult, including looking for a job and accepting a job.. unless the job is absolutely perfect, with no negatives, which is never the case, is it?
I suggested that you look for another job with your preferred working hours, and you wrote: “It’s not that simple… I am a bit scared of leaving the company.. starting new again. It’s too risky for me right now, I do not have family support at least financially“-it’s never that simple because there is no such thing (that I know about) as a perfect job. So there are always negatives. Question is: which possibility has the kinds of negatives that you can successfully manage?
In your current situation, here are some possibilities: (1) stop supporting your family financially…? That will ease your stress. (2) take on the new job for a short period of time, letting the company know of your intent, so to evaluate how you manage the new hours, (3) start new again, but in a wiser way..?
No doubt that no possibility is problem free, there will always be negatives. But if you evaluate the positives and negatives with a calm, resourceful mental attitude, you will do better than otherwise.
anita
September 8, 2023 at 11:55 am #421934CarolineParticipantAnita, thank you for rereading my post. I know it can be exhausting here on the forum (I read some of the posts) and I assume you must be very attentive to do it. I appreciate that and you taking the time to do it, the fact that you care.
I know you may not be aware of this (or maybe you are) that some of posts here, mine at least, are really desperate and emotional.. and your simple yet wise explanations provide.. calmness. It may be temporary and problems obviously don’t disappear but… aren’t the problems sometimes just our state of mind, our reaction to situations? it’s bigger than the problem itself sometimes. So for that I thank you. It’s like killing the panic, the inflammation. Doesn’t cure anything, does not have that power but provides calmness, allows to stop, rest and give power to handle things.
I will take some time to think it over, what you just wrote and will respond in the evening or tomorrow during the day.
September 8, 2023 at 12:14 pm #421935anitaParticipantDear Caroline:
This is the most beautiful message, I am so grateful to you for this message, not just because of how well it’s written, and because of what you wrote about me, but because of what it tells me about you, about the beauty within you. I am having my first smile of the day this very moment. (I will be back to the computer Sat morning).
anita
September 8, 2023 at 12:35 pm #421936CarolineParticipantI’m very glad to make you feel that way!
September 9, 2023 at 4:03 am #421939CarolineParticipantAnita, thank you for recommending a book. I like reading, not so much selft help books but I’ll look for this one and start reading perhaps.
When you have a core belief that you are not capable enough to deal with life, everything is more difficult, including looking for a job and accepting a job.. unless the job is absolutely perfect, with no negatives, which is never the case, is it?
Yes, that is very true. I find everything more difficult because I think I am less capable in life than other people. I know my mother used to/still is this way, she does not believe in herself, thinks simple tasks are too much for her, whereas other people can do it with no problem because they are…more capable. Seems like I learned that from her. She always worries how I handle things, maybe part of her really cares and is worried but part of her probably think I cannot deal with some things because I am like her.
I would like to change that. I already accomplished more than she ever did and I did it without help of family or other people.
And yes I focus on negatives a lot. There are a lot of good sides in this job offer: more money, learning new things, being part of the team, doing something that I would be rewarded for just by being in this team as they are already successful. And Theres this bad side which is late hours and all I can think about it this one. Its a huge disadvantage, yes. But I catastrophize it.
if you evaluate the positives and negatives with a calm, resourceful mental attitude, you will do better than otherwise.
I am doing this, trying to be peaceful about it. I feel better today that two days ago. I will give myself another day to get familiar with this idea.
September 9, 2023 at 8:41 am #421940anitaParticipantDear Caroline:
You are welcome. (I didn’t recommend any particular book on overcoming learned helplessness because I didn’t read any. I was thinking out loud that maybe reading such will help you).
“I find everything more difficult because I think I am less capable in life than other people. I know my mother used to/still is this way, she does not believe in herself, thinks simple tasks are too much for her, whereas other people can do it with no problem because they are.. more capable. Seems like I learned that from her. She always worries how I handle things, maybe part of her really cares and is worried but part of her probably thinks I cannot deal with some things because I am like her“-
– (1) seems like from the beginning of your life, your mother projected herself into you, seeing herself in you, and giving you the message that you are.. her, in this regard. (2) A mother is like a mirror to the young child, and what she reflects to the child, is what the child believes she is. Therefore, you believed early on that you are less capable in life than other people. (3) I wonder if part of you, a part that is the very young girl in you, feels that if you become more capable, like other people, you will be betraying your mother, moving to the other people side of the world, leaving your mother all alone in the incapable side of the world, so to speak, and/ or that you will lose her love, and therefore, you will be all alone. (To a young child, Mother is Everything/ Everyone, and without her, the child is.. all alone).
“I would like to change that. I already accomplished more than she ever did and I did it without help of family or other people“- congratulations!
* I wonder about your reaction to what I wrote above (3), and I hope that you will contemplate it over time, because maybe such early thinking stands in your way of changing this core belief (of being less capable in life than other people).
“And yes I focus on negatives a lot. There are a lot of good sides in this job offer: more money, learning new things, being part of the team, doing something that I would be rewarded for just by being in this team as they are already successful. And There’s this bad side which is late hours and all I can think about it this one. Its a huge disadvantage, yes. But I catastrophize it“-
– if you refuse this job, I will not be surprised if you find yourself in the afternoons focusing on negatives (the lot of good sides in this job that you missed), overthinking it and feeling badly. This will fit the pattern of focusing on and overthinking the negatives, won’t it?
I think that before you refuse this job, if you choose to refuse it, you should plan on how to deal with the expected regret…?
I suggested that you evaluate the positives and negatives with a calm, resourceful mental attitude, and you wrote: “I am doing this, trying to be peaceful about it. I feel better today that two days ago. I will give myself another day to get familiar with this idea.“- good. We do our best thinking when calm.. and our worst when distressed, panicking and catastrophizing.
anita
September 9, 2023 at 11:50 am #421946CarolineParticipantAnita, I will respond more tomorrow but this one:
if you refuse this job, I will not be surprised if you find yourself in the afternoons focusing on negatives (the lot of good sides in this job that you missed), overthinking it and feeling badly.
that’s a very good point.
September 9, 2023 at 11:53 am #421947anitaParticipantDear Caroline:
I too thought it was a very good point… (smile). I’ll be back to the computer Sun morning (in about 9 hours from now)
anita
September 12, 2023 at 12:17 pm #422033CarolineParticipantAnita,
I googled today, by the way, overcoming learned helplessness: there are books on the topic, one of which is “Understanding and Overcoming Learned Helplessness“. Maybe such will help you.
(I didn’t recommend any particular book on overcoming learned helplessness because I didn’t read any. I was thinking out loud that maybe reading such will help you).
I have found a book titled “Understanding and Overcoming Learned Helplessness“. So I assume this is just a coincidence and you did not recommend this particular one?
I wonder if part of you, a part that is the very young girl in you, feels that if you become more capable, like other people, you will be betraying your mother, moving to the other people side of the world, leaving your mother all alone in the incapable side of the world, so to speak, and/ or that you will lose her love, and therefore, you will be all alone.
I am not convinced this is my case but there are I have to “pretend” to be incapable because otherwise my mother would feel..inferior to me, so to speak. I have a feeling sometimes that she is fragile and I cannot be powerful in her presence.
We do our best thinking when calm.. and our worst when distressed, panicking and catastrophizing.
I think I did a lot of calm thinking over past days. It showed me that I always need more time to make a decision, that’s what I learned for the future.
September 12, 2023 at 1:52 pm #422034anitaParticipantDear Caroline:
“I have found a book titled ‘Understanding and Overcoming Learned Helplessness’. So I assume this is just a coincidence and you did not recommend this particular one?“- yes, I googled and came across one by Dennis Kerry, and another by Lexie Hay (again, I didn’t read these books, and I am not familiar with the authors). There is also a pdf & worksheets available online on the topic (journey to recovery. com)
“I have to ‘pretend’ to be incapable because otherwise my mother would feel.. inferior to me, so to speak. I have a feeling sometimes that she is fragile and I cannot be powerful in her presence“- meaning that if you behaved as a capable woman with power to shape circumstances, she would .. break? How..???
“I think I did a lot of calm thinking over past days. It showed me that I always need more time to make a decision, that’s what I learned for the future“- good learning! to apply!
anita
September 13, 2023 at 9:28 am #422049CarolineParticipantmeaning that if you behaved as a capable woman with power to shape circumstances, she would .. break? How..???
as I wrote, she would feel inferior to someone who is powerful.
good learning! to apply!
thank you
September 13, 2023 at 10:09 am #422054anitaParticipantDear Caroline:
You are welcome. * Note: I just finished this short post and I feel quite overwhelmed by my current understanding. The following may be distressing to you, so please read it when you are prepared. You can choose to not read it at all.
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“I know my mother used to/still is this way, she does not believe in herself, thinks simple tasks are too much for her, whereas other people can do it with no problem because they are…more capable… I have to ‘pretend’ to be incapable because otherwise my mother would feel.. inferior to me, so to speak. I have a feeling sometimes that she is fragile and I cannot be powerful in her presence… she would feel inferior to someone who is powerful“-
– seems like your mother does not wish for you to be capable and powerful/ resourceful because that would make her feel inferior to you, and envious of you. So to please her, to make her better, you.. pretend to be incapable, powerless and inferior, like her.
Back in Oct 8, 2022, you wrote: “my mom started being ashamed of me…she naturally thought her child was inferior“- or she wanted her daughter to be inferior, like her. As a child, you knew what she wanted from you and you accommodated her (is what I am now thinking).
In Oct 18, 2022, you wrote: “We have this colleague… I do not act inferior with her, I noticed. Sometimes I feel … guilty? That I am ‘superior“- here it is, the projection of your mother into this colleague, as I understand it: to please your mother, to get her approval, as a child, you took on the role of incapable, inferior. You knew and still, you know that this is what she wants from you and you feel too guilty to take (that role) away from her…?
anita
September 14, 2023 at 12:08 pm #422092CarolineParticipantseems like your mother does not wish for you to be capable and powerful/ resourceful because that would make her feel inferior to you, and envious of you. So to please her, to make her better, you.. pretend to be incapable, powerless and inferior, like her.
Yes, probably that is correct.
You knew and still, you know that this is what she wants from you and you feel too guilty to take (that role) away from her…?
I think so.
Last week she asked me whether I work for american managers. I said yes, those are my managers. I saw something weird in her eyes.. admire perhaps, but different, mixed with.. envy, I think. Immediately she changed subject like she got scared of her own thoughts or..getting deeper into the subject.
But I don’t understand. She would like to brag about my success, money etc in front of other people. But she’s afraid of it somehow.
September 14, 2023 at 12:47 pm #422093CarolineParticipantThe following may be distressing to you, so please read it when you are prepared. You can choose to not read it at all.
Anita, it is okay, really. I am not afraid of communication here. Moreover, I know, that by writing here I cannot include everything and it depends on the reader to perceive things as this or that. This one time someone read my post and replied I need to get rid of a person in my life. Whereas it might be a good decision, there is no way someone would get the full picture based on my posts here and no way I will break up with someone over a reply post of someone who did not even bother to answer my request to elaborate. (not this post but the other one I started)
I am a grown up and I am responsible for my own decisions so no need to be worried. -
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