Good morning Anita,

I have let the words that we spoke about sink in for the last week. As you know, there are ebbs and flows. The last few days have been particularly more centered and positive, I have woken up with more of a feeling of understanding of why I am feeling certain ways. Versus confusion and frustration as above. I am now starting to get what a long lifetime journey this will be and of course that will only seep in overtime.

I did read some of my sisters post about treating others abusively or negatively when you are hurting in your own self or struggling within.  My sister is right in that I did not treat my current husband very positively many times over the last four years. I can’t say that the timing is like clockwork in that as soon as my parents met him everything was negative and before they were involved everything was perfect. Because as you alluded to, my mother‘s voice is in my head and ruling my life so with or without their physical presence I have been affected, tortured, and have had self suffering. Even when I didn’t know.    Looking back I see many patterns of me having internal distress and projecting onto him. It could be something such as feeling that everyone else is happy and why am I feeling not so happy and so targeting it out at the first person in front of me which was him. Then there are many examples of things that are more specific, my parents telling me that there are many men out there that have certain qualities and those are great qualities, and then looking at the person in front of me and convincing myself that since he may not have one or two or some of these qualities that he is not as good. In reality, my first example is the more harmful one because it came out of nowhere for both him and me. It was as though there were these ebbs and flows of terrible emotions in me and I would lash out for no rhyme or reason. Things could be great for a month or so and then I would be sinking into a terrible feeling and then just act like a monster.Back then I had no understanding at all of everything that we have spoken about. I truly was applying to any abuse that my parents did, I thought that just like any parents there was going to be good and bad. I really had no idea how much self suffering was brought on by the mother voice

The thing is, when I look back at some of those things now I am astonished.  However, it doesn’t truly hit me. I am not sure how to explain it but I almost want to feel that i superficially  think wow how could I treat someone so bad like this in the past I feel like I should be so sad and upset with myself over this. I want to feel like this but instead of that there is empty space almost like a numbness.  Not because I don’t feel like what I did or all of the above is not true or valid it’s just that I can’t actually feel any remorse or sadness or kind of anything over it.

There was a time a few months ago that my husband had mentioned this, and said that it he found it strange. He said that if he was in the same shoes he would be so beyond himself for doing this to someone that it would really show. And with me it doesn’t show. This was after a lot of the terrible things that had happened so we were talking about this not into fighting way but more in a discovery -why doesn’t it show for me -what is going on in me that I can’t actually feel the above mentioned.

This feeling is also there when I think of certain things that my mother has done over the last year, the time period in which you know a lot about over the wedding planning year. In fact I was reading an old text message this week that was truly and utterly abusive–copy and paste it here you would say that this hits all the marks of emotional abuse, narcissism, etc. it doesn’t matter the terms.   When I read it once again I felt pretty astonished that this was real life, but similarly instead of feeling the sadness, tears, or even any sort of anger from at it was almost like nothing.

I have an intuitive sense that I am feeling this nothing sort of thing because a lot of this is still repressed. I don’t think I am actively repressing it out of embarrassment or ego, it is almost like it is stuck and fossilized deep In me under dust and rocks / it will take time to uncover. I also have this feeling that once I start truly feeling the feelings that would be associated with this, such as wow I can’t believe I could treat someone so terrible how could I do this I never want to do that again I feel so awful and terriblE.  Or with example of thinking about some of the truly terrible an atrocious things my parents have done/truly feel The strong emotion of whatever it may be/sad, mad, angry, anything  , I think that once I start actually feeling these things I will be able to release so much of the inner Repression. This is an intuitive feeling. I know I can’t force it I know it’s not one of those things where if I read an old angry letter long enough I’ll start crying and then release all of the emotions associated with it. I understand that this is just the beginning of my journey and for so long I truly did believe everything that they said, and I truly did feel that I was doing nothing wrong such as when I would act toxically towards my now husband because I felt like these were warranted thing since I was struggling so much inside.

I know that the ability to even write this out is starting to brush the surface because it is me starting to realize that a lot of the way I acted was wrong, and above all the root of that behavior. What is most important to me above all and everything is now finally after all these years understanding the route. Talking with people like yourself and realizing that almost everything goes back to that mother voice even if it at the time feels like it is just me feeling something.    . What are your thoughts on the above? Of course there is no guidebook and step-by-step on how to slowly start releasing all the above and seeing clearly and actually feeling things instead of feeling a sort of lapse.

Do you think or feel that your current interactions with your mother are hindering your desired progress, your aim to feel your repressed feelings?

to be honest, even if she was away from this world (dead, gone who knows lets take that aside) this feeling of repressed feelings would be extremely difficult, that combined with old waves of guilt etc.

And do you think it is possible for you to heal while in contact with her?

good question, as above, i think the answer is this. considering that like you said no contact is likely not the route things will go – then the answer has a lot to do with: within me, how much do i let her get to me now, how much do i believe the things she says, how much do i communicate with her. how much do i focus on her versus my own life/husband.  these days over the last 4 months i have been able to shift gears towards my own life and husband – and seen reality.  but for sure there is a long long road ahead.

if the contact continues the way that it is – will i someday slowly feel the repressed feelings in the way i want to? truly FEEL them, and not just have them as a passing thought or something.  will i be able to focus on them, and not have my mind go to the peripheral person (such as above) so that i don’t tend to focus on the heavy issue at hand.  i do hope so, with distance, practice, time, and the guidance of supportive individuals.

Dear anita,

I commend you for taking such a noble step, and finally allowing yourself after decades to be relieved of that guilt.  I could not even imagine how difficult that may have been for years on end.

yes, you’re right – I will likely not go down this path.  and yes, this will consist of a life of “survival” and some respite during breaks – and then rescinding during times of contact.  I know this, and I see it in front of me – but I still can not conceive no contact, and will not kid myself or others, including you – to say yes  this is a possibility.  when it is not – not at this time at least.

interestingly, my husband and I are thinking of moving this summer.  we are now 1.5 hours away from both parents and most of our family – and we are thinking of a move cross country.  for many reasons including climate,, jobs, etc.  of course I realize more geographical distance may be good in some ways, but the same in others.  I know no matter where I go the mother voice is within me – miles don’t change that.  I do worry about future milestones such as children, and like you said the full force ad control and guilt that will come with that.  if we live miles away they will want to visit and stay for a week – during those times

I told you I saw them twice since the wedding.  the time I ssaw them a month or so ago – it was a pleasant weekend and very focused on my puppy.  once I returned back home – they called to see if I made it back, and then both began to cry, and say how much they missed me, and how they really enjoyed the quality time together.

the old me would have felt something, but all I thought was – you’re a lunatic – one second abusing us, now crying and emotional how much you missed us.  insane.

anyway – you know this, I know this, my sister who is 6.5 years younger and 2,000 miles away knows this.  yet – the cycle will continue.  sadly I don’t even know what life without guilt even means.  like you said I think of the breaks as breathing space and allowance to “get back on track” but that doesn’t mean I am at mental peace or immersed in the process of healing and un-numbing.

Hello anita,

I am wondering, if you imagine right now ending all contact with your mother -what kinds of thoughts go through your mind?

I haven’t formally formulated this thinking so I will give you my “fragmented thoughts”

1) immense and deep sadneses

-the first thought that comes to mind, is sad – very sad. something like this: ” my poor mother suffered a terrible life since she came to America, she dealt with abuse from family and others, and her focus then was me – yes it is toxic and has continued to be in adulthood – but she relies on that so much to the point she cried a month ago when I left.” how could I hurt her like this.

then my mind goes here: yes shes abusive, but shes damaged – so cutting off contact from her leads to more damage to her. yes but it’s not my job to endure abuse for her sake…

she lives for this – she has her own life now yes, she travels, and is not a dependent disabled person – but the idea of losing her daughter is crippling to her…to the point that when she felt she was “losing me” even over the last year bc of her delusions related to my in laws – she was besides herself.

I do not expect her to understand at all what she has done to me and her sister.  she does not have the capacity and she is ill and insane.  so trying to explain it and hoping she will change is not an option. in fact, as she gets older she has gotten worse – and I’m sure will continue into elderly age as both the brain and body deteriorate.  so no contact would be for me – no explanation would justify it to her. 

she would likely get our whole extended family involved, maybe even end up hospitalized due to deep despair, hysteria, and psychosis related to the idea of “losing me”

so where does that leave me…?