Dear Anita,

Thank you for opening up this conversation with me, as it is important.  I will try to explain both broad and specific.

I want to start with my mother.  She was incapable of regulating her emotions, her distress, so it would blurt out at any time, inopportune times, any time.  With no regard for what was going on in the other person’s life.  Then she would be over-ridden with guilt for causing the other person distress, and then feel like a victim even more because she “can’t help herself.”

A generic example would be something like I am in my room studying for an exam, stressed, she comes in slowly with a worried look on her face.  And I say what’s going on.  She says oh its nothing.  So I say no come on mom, I know something is wrong.  So she begins to tell me about something ridiculous such as whether we need to wait to reply to an invitation because it may make us look desperate, anything.  She then senses my annoyance, and I may even say this is not the right time for the conversation.  So she then becomes sullen, and a woe is me, well I don’t know how to control it – because I felt worried and sad.  Gosh I can’t help it.

I have this quality.  I don’t have it with the average person.  I have it with people who are closest to me.  I have had this pattern in every long relationship (romantic) of mine (2 previous boyfriends).

I continue to have an issue with not thinking before speaking.  Since all that has happened, I have told you that my husband has changed a lot.  He has gone from quiet, supporter – to more of a traumatized angry person himself.  Given that he has lived through all that has happened over the last few years and beyond, he is no longer blind to it.

He often says that I speak with nervous energy, talk just to talk. I never understood what he meant by that – but I see it now.  I see that I often do this around others just to fill space.  Perhaps I am feeling uneasy in my own self at that moment for whatever reason (well I always feel uneasy baseline because my body is full of repressed emotions) so this could be why.

Now my husband has an exam next week, and last week I did exactly what my mother does in above explanation.  I would start talking about something triggering, stressful, or a topic I “know” would cause him active stress.  It is as though while I am saying it, I don’t even realize, and have no control.  And as soon as it is out I see – it is a habit, like a tic.

So what is in my way of implementing the practice of thinking first?

I think it has to do with my ability to process what I am going through inside me, on my own.  I notice that my mother was never able to, it was blurted out to the universe every other second.  Where did this lead? healing? no, all it did is make her more crazy and make those around her (us) more crazy.  I am at risk of doing this to my husband.  I already have.  But my point here is that what is in the way is that I don’t have the appropriate coping mechanisms to deal with distress.  Just like her.

A side example is this, while we were thinking about where to live a month or so ago, we went to visit a house.  It was on the rural border of the town we were looking at, not by the city center, but the more isolated corner.  I knew this, but it was something worth seeing just to see – why not. This was MY choice mind you.  I went, with the real estate agent, was pleasantly surprised by the inside of the house, but had a strange sense of unease with the outside.  I called my husband to stop by on his way home from work.  he did.

So when we went home, I projected out.  I started saying things like, I don’t want to live in an isolated big house, and there’s no one around there – and it may seem okay now but it will be so lonely in the winter.  (ALL THINGS my mom used to say). and yes, those are objectively true in my case as the location was not the right fit. But see Anita, it was MY idea to check this house out, and even invite my husband to come see it, which he did happily.  Just to go home and pretty much be angry at HIM for this home being a bad location, and almost blaming him and saying I don’t want to live in this sort of place!

To me this sounds like, someone who doesn’t have a good idea about what they are feeling, how to process it, and how to cope – it is projected out onto the first available supportive listener..

Dear Anita,

yes parenting my infantile mother. Always.

Yes I do agree that she did not possess guilt. I do.  That’s the thing, she is devoid of appropriate emotion, by nature this is her pathology. She did know how to throw a good tantrum though. All tactics to get attention and pity. Power.

I believe that what I do is entirely different, it is more like it is a nervous energy that is expelled out of me.  I know this because when I am calm and have slept well, and I am in a good place, I am a great listener, I am able to talk without interrupting others, my energy is much more different. But when I am under stress, when the week has been hectic, there has been poor sleep I sound very frantic and frenzied, and this is how I feel inside.

In regards to my husband in particular, I have learned the concept of blurting out from my mother. It is not that I am doing exactly as she did, but I do find myself feeling infantile in this way. Of course it is nothing like her motives and her level of pathology. But similar to a child, speaking without regarding what is the opportune or appropriate scenario. Once again this is not always, but when I am full of distress or uneasy energy it is exhibited outwardly like this.

Perhaps related or unrelated, the concept of patience is very difficult for me. I never was raised with a good understanding of what patience is. I did not understand that patience is a virtue, nor was I taught that. On the contrary many people are, and as adults they do exhibit patience. Because I don’t have a great concept of patience, I often feel that it is OK to respond immediately, react immediately. I do not always sink and savor given that I don’t trust this ability in myself.  I often find that basic human characteristics such as these are lost on me, and my sister because of our observance of our parents. Our infantile pathologic parents that made it seem that reacting with angry outburst to the world, with negativity was an OK first response.   The fact that I have empathy, and I am a good friend is entirely different than anything that I have been taught. I do commend myself for that.

I would like to work on patience, I would like to better sink and say were. I took a nap after I last spoke to you and when I woke up the first thought that went into my mind is this:

Nothing bad happens when you stop and pause.

I often have a fear that if I am not doing, thinking, talking etc. that I am lacking. I am missing something. In order to fully live I must do, in order to fully be involved in something, I must overdue, overthink, over talk.   A day like today, which is a day off, alone, to able to go in and out of sleep, think, read, right. What did I miss? What was lost on me by doing – nothing

To do nothing is to be patient often. This is what I would like to work on

Dear Anita,

Yes mindful speech- which is more possible when I practice mindful living. A life that creates space for slowing down,  not the habitual seeking frenzy that I do (constant running)

I was re-reading your earlier post, I have read it many times over this weekend. I would like you to elaborate further on this if you could: many  women never adequately separate from their mother. To separate mentally, a woman has to see who her mother is. It is only then that she is able to see who she herself is. Most women (and men) see their unloving mothers as loving. The price to pay for such wrong seeing/believing is  seeing oneself as not worthy of love and living a life according to such core belief

Dear Anita,

interesting you explain it this way – yesterday when I was home feeling unwell, I spent the day just being my baseline. I didn’t drink coffee I didn’t look for any tasks to do. I was just there.

I found myself thinking. When I don’t try, and I just be – my baseline is quite weak, and numb. The frenzied energy and constant doing is actually a mask for what my TRUE baseline is.

Perhaps it is horrifying to feel that numb and hollow and thus it is my natural state to over engage.  This and the fact that my job requires a lot of energy and mental focus.

You’re right those feelings are mine. Not hers. And yes they are repressed. Do you feel that if I spend more time just being. Like I did yesterday they can manifest more. I am no longer scared of feeling low energy and down. I now accept it as the reality and I would rather feel this way than a false source of adrenaline and running on fumes so to speak. Yes, I can not spend every day at home not doing much. But if I allow my baseline just to be – not over compensate, not over socialize, not overly drink coffee to be extra productive. If I stop all of that maybe my true essence will manifest more. And slowly release.

Given that I am always on – at work – at home  always. Never feeling I can turn off. Perhaps I’m scared If I turn off I am pretty “dead” feeling inside. But I want to embrace what I am. I don’t want to mask it.

What do you think?

• This reply was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Worth a try. I will start here:

Simple terms from a child:

I feel tired, like I want to lay in bed all day and be cuddled.

I want a warm blanket.

I want quiet. I am getting irritable (as a child) by all this loud noise around me.

I want to shut off and rest. Like at the dinner rable my mom takes me and puts me to sleep upatairs where its quiet. Adults can continue but I want rest.

Dear Anita,

I will. Interestingly, I’ve always felt my whole life – why just succumb to what you’re feeling when you’re down. If I was 25 I would drink some coffee put some makeup on and be out with a friend in an hour. And much more like that.

To a point this ability was resilience. It was ability to rise above. But now – this ability no longer serves me. It’s run its course and now we are at depletion. And thus to succumb is to accept is to live.

Now I don’t know medically if “giving in” leads to improvement. As in there are medications out there for people to improve when they are feeling EXACTLY like this. But it is my innate feeling that for me, If I let myself truly feel for once. For not just a day or a week. If I really do it. It will teach me something. It will be real growth.

Dear Anita,

enduring = healing

I thought about this since your last post.  I observed how it felt.  I am currently recovering from a flu-like illness, and interesting how illness can really affect the mind, the feeling of doom and dread.  Especially for someone prone to emotional instability, a period of sickness can definitely take me to a lower mental state.

So I would think, enduring = healing.  Yes, I am glad to feel. and finally make some progress

Then later in the day I would think, but will I really feel? I have trapped the feelings In so long, who is to stay they will “come out.” Will I just be sitting, suffering,waiting for them to?

Perhaps I don’t truly believe my feelings can “release.” The suppressed emotions can come out.  The trauma can surface.  Any of the terms.  I don’t think I truly believe it can happen.