Poor service so i Think it posted multiple times!

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

You felt yesterday that stamp of approval you used to chase by pleasing your mother, doing A, B, C .. X, Y. No more chasing her. No more chasing anyone or anything.

Yes! you are right. NO more chasing anyone or anything.  wow, life CAN be this way.  In fact, what was all this chasing doing? I did not realize I was not truly chasing things (achievements, objects, milestones) or people – I was ONLY truly chasing my mother’s approval.  Even without her presence, I was chasing the mother voice’s approval.  Like running through the world with a tape of her monologue on repeat.  It doesn’t matter where I am, what I am, or who I am with – this monologue does not stop. It is endlessly running.  Now that this tape is thrown out the window, the voice still remains, as there are old neuropathways as you said.  But  without the tape on repeat – I can also hear my OWN voice.  My voice has been speaking all along? But did I listen, no..My mother’s voice was all too powerful and overpowering mine became small.  Now I will listen.

Dear Anita,

i am going to discuss some things today and feel free to converse when you’re free.

I have talked about how my mother is a narcissist. You and I don’t get too caught up in terms and diagnosis. As what is more important is the reality and pattern and spotting it.  But for conversation sake we will call her a narcissist. An N.

Often children raised by an N develop some of these qualities. Now they aren’t qualities as a result of anger. No these are personality traits and tendencies. I have mentioned some of these to you before. Especially in regards to my husband. We have always discussed and brought it back to the roots. Such as TDW the Disney world example. It makes sense.

We also have talked about emotional numbness. And how sometimes anger is the only accessible emotion. I have learned a lot of suppressed emotions as well as unconscious suffering. Things that’s are difficult to think about in a tangible sense.

But – what if I have more than just N qualities or emotional numbness?

This weekend many events happened, and I do feel I am like my mother. Now I’ll get into those details once we talk more but I want to outline my thoughts. I am no different than my mother. In the ways she abused me mentally and emotionally battered me down. I did the same to my husband Anita. And this is objective not me feeling bad or sensitive today. I objectively did quite similar.

I know now my mother is not capable of true love for me. I don’t know if I am capable of true love either. I am a great friend. Supporter, talker, empath, all these things. But true selfless love for another. It feels quite foreign. In fact with that first boyfriend it was the same. It wa very much at the end he could not have enough love for 2 individuals. At a certain point I had to show authentic love too.

When it comes to my husband now I do not have authentic love and respect. Do I see it in other couples and recognize it- yes. And even understand it in theory. But it feels foreign in a way. And no this is not because of him, and not because he is the wrong guy. I know this is ME. I have always done or been this way in every relationship and I know I always would be with any future guy.

Pwrhaps Anita, I too, am not capable of true authentic love

Dear Anita,

No I do not anymore. I am conscious now and have clarity. The more clarity I gained about my mother and her abuse the more I gained about my own self and traits. Hence all of our posts for 2 years now. But that doesn’t mean I am bounced back now of course. I am not by any means remorseful for what I did or even aware of it. I just float through life and focus on my thoughts and healing – like what I do with you.

My definition – wow that’s tough. I see it as loving someone more than even your own self. Putting their needs first. Feeling for them and not getting your own hang ups in the way.

Perhaps I do not know as I can not access much emotion as it is mostly repressed. As you said the most or even only accessible emotion is anger. But all else is beaten down or out of me.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 6 years, 3 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

Yes you did. And I can “feel” for smaller things such as a sad movie or even hearing a story. I can for my dog. But say something big happened, a death in the family let’s say. I would feel numb and dissociated – blank.

Like I feel love that is natural for my dog. But not the same for almost anything else in life. Sounds strange I know.

The softness you’re right is turned into hardness a shield

Dear Anita,

thank you for reminding me I can re-associate. I see it in you and I know it is possible for me.

I want to share with you that today is the beginning of a new chapter for us. We have officially quit our jobs here and have 2 months off to rest heal and sink and savor. After which we will be moving to NYC. I am grateful for this time and grateful for you. I will re read all we wrote about in the last 2 days and let it sink in. Thanks for having faith in me even when I lose it.

Dear Anita,

It’s been only one week since we have ended our jobs, moved and have had time off. But it feels much longer given that it has allowed for much time for observation. Ever since we moved out, I have been living with my in-laws. My father-in-law had a surgery, nothing major, and we have been here to help him and support him in every way. It has been quite special to be here during this time. I’m typical Indian tradition style, during this last week they’re also has been an outpouring of family members who come visit to show support.  It has been nice to be here to have that role, the daughter-in-law a roll, voluntarily, to help greet, cook, clean, and host these guests. Like I’ve said before, my mother never really taught me what it is like to be a wife, or even a mature woman. So to engage in this role is quite satisfying. And it is fun.

However, going back to your statement, the importance of the relationship between my husband and I, the importance of it for support, healing, and for my reassociating.  I think about this multiple times a day. I noticed that my husband and I have not had any emotional respite.

Ending our jobs, probably moving, and coming here and being engaged with family has been good- but not restful. And last night we spoke about how what we really need is some emotional respite, the time to whine down, and let go. It is nice to be able to have these conversations with them because it shows me that we are on the same page. It is quite a good feeling to feel on the same page with someone intuitively, for your needs. In addition, I haven’t been feeling more relaxed at all, in fact perhaps more round up, going from the above, to being involved with family 24 hours a day has not let me really unwind given that I am such a extroverted and “do all” person. I have observed this about myself, and even over the last seven days notice that there’s a difference between what I enjoy doing out what I should do, and what is based out of my mental patterns of right and wrong. For example if the entire family is engaging in a conversation, I don’t necessarily have to always pitch in to the level I do. I know I got this from my mother, it was always constant talking with her, 24 hours a day seven days a week. So I assume that this pattern as normal, and necessary. But there have been a few times where I’ve sat back and just relaxed and observed the conversation and it has been that much more peaceful. Slow learning this is, and observation.  At the end of the day, what my husband and I really need is a true vacation, some rest, and mental space. We are planning a trip like that coming up soon. I’ll tell you more about that later.

Sorry for any typos, I am observing a beautiful sunrise, and voice texting and typing on my phone.

• This reply was modified 6 years, 2 months ago by Cali Chica.