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  • October 29, 2018 at 8:40 am #234291
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    i did repeat it to myself many times today.

    I wanted to share something else I thought about today. Prior to now, anxiety was a blur, it wasn’t that it was me or wasn’t me – it was just there. It wasn’t easy to pick out as it was embedded within me, perhaps I felt it was me.

    I see now, today, and hopefully continue to with practice – that like any other illness, anxiety is a disease state. There is a difference between acute and chronic in medicine, which I am sure you understand – as I do. The issue with chronic disease states is that it is difficult to decipher where they end and where they begin. It is difficult to say what is the disease, and what is you. Which brings me to the point. Who am I? If I am not chronically anxious, then I am the person who lives and breathes outside of the anxiety. Sure I am all of it. But most importantly I am not my fears.

    I say this because I had a few very scared anxious days recently, some of which I shared. Now they have gone. I’m sure they will return again in time. As is the case with anxiety or disease.

    Yet, when you wake up under the weather- you tell yourself that. You tell others that. You know it isn’t your baseline state. You know you are unwell. You also know it won’t last forever.

    But with anxious days it is hard to know the same. In that moment it is so compelling that the fears are true, that it is reality, that it is you. That it is now and perhaps forever.

    I see now that anxiety may not be that different than feeling under the weather for a few days, if the anxiety does pass – like mine does now.

    The more I live, the more I experience, the more I observe- the more I can see this anxiety for what it is —and the more I can see myself for who I am. They are not one and the same.

    October 29, 2018 at 9:14 am #234305
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I believe anxiety is the human condition. I don’t think it is possible for a human to not be anxious. It is enough that we know (being the only animal that knows this) that we will die, when and how, we don’t know and that everyone we know will die, how and when… we don’t know. No amount of money or fame, or education… no practice, nothing can change this fact, this knowing. How can anyone not be anxious?

    How often, how anxious, when are we most anxious (when encountering a spider, for some, when the sun hides behind a cloud for others, so many different triggers for different people), this is different from person to person. And then everyone who is anxious has wonderful calm breaks. So when you watch people who seem to be so very healthy, that is only their break!

    What is you and what is the anxiety? Here is my answer: as humans we don’t only know the regretful thing that we know, mentioned above. We have an ability that other animals don’t have, and that is to create, specifically here, to create those new neuropathways, to learn and remap our brain. No other animal can remap its brain!

    Anxiety is the human condition and creativity is the human potential. All are anxious, few are creators!

    You, Cali Chica, you are a creator.

    anita

    October 29, 2018 at 11:12 pm #234439
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    the old pathways easily get activated, and we have to gently and patiently re-introduce the new pathways, the new understanding, into the old”-

    Good morning. This is worth repeating again. As is what you mentioned before I left for my trip, how it is important to have someone you trust – as this journey is difficult to do alone.

    How has your husband been a role in your path?

    for me, as you know my relationship was affected by my mother directly. And now that’s she’s not there physically – it has left wounds. Yet, now that I have shifted gears to focus on him and I above all – it is life changing. I gave myself permission to do so – and I learned from your wisdom when you told me early on to focus on my husband and nurture that relationship.

    We realized the concept of here and there. That happiness was over there not here. And how profound. I also realized that all the years I was chasing things/people to find happiness I was attempting to satiate the bottomless mother voice. A coach Who changed colors daily like a chameleon.

    Lastly fear has been a large part of it all.

    In the last post you wrote anxiety is the human condition, and when we see people as healthy and happy it is their break. I understand this. And especially in today’s world where image is everything.

    Yet, I know some of us have been abused and traumatized more – and thus suffer more. Individuals like you and I have the task of rewriting our pathways – and staying on the path. But, it is not better or worse – just different.

    I know for me fear was (and still is at times) everywhere. I remember my mothers face looking desperate and full of fear – do this she would exclaim or you’ll have this ____ bad outcome.

    I now recall myself emulating this hysteria and desperation as a young adult one day, and my mothers response – oh god I can’t handle you, you are uncontrollable, who acts like this? Or perhaps what’s worse, oh look at us – what happens to us, what terrible luck

    so all I knew is to not cope but “Mis-cope” to cope ineffectiveness. It was learned. Yet when I coped this way I was ridiculed or given the woe is me, look at your situation. How sad for us. How sad for my daughter.

    Never ever once realizing I had a choice in how to act, cope, or deal. Nope life just happened to us. We had no role.

    Yet when it came to EVERYTHING else I had a role – a super role – a super human role. My role was to be the best friend student daughter sister etc etc. and I did it. I did and did and did  Yet, I never coped any better. In fact the coping got worse and worse. And in fact, life got worse. The mother voice got worse. The mother herself got worse.

    So now – when I relinquish the role of over- doing.  Coping doesn’t come automatic. I must understand that. I do believe I am doing a great job given the timeline, yet I am only human.

    Fear was apart of my life in every way. Fear, misery, and lack of control in how to deal with life.

    So now that I have given up the superhuman role, hopefully I can adopt the role that was always missing. The role of taking control of my own self and life.

    October 30, 2018 at 6:58 am #234489
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You came up with the term Mis-cope. It is because you are on this path that you are able to come up with terms like this. You see better, understand better, able to be more accurate in your choice of words, and when a term doesn’t exist yet, you create it.

    Your mother has a mental representative in your brain in the form of many neuropathways. So does mine. Basically, our mothers rained on our parades when we were children and then made sure to continue to do so by remote control. From afar. And forevermore. Until and unless we take on the slow,  slow… very slow process of creating and remapping.

    That superhuman role, I think it provides some of the fuel to your walk on your path. This very process you took on, few do and persist. When I repeat to you that you are amazing, I mean it, few take on the path and persist. You do and so, you are indeed amazing.

    I had big dreams when I was a child, unrealistic as can be, being an internationally famous dancer while in reality I was physically clumsy. But those dreams were the fuel that when given the opportunity (2011 when attending my first quality psychotherapy) kept me going and going.

    Are you still in South Africa?

    anita

     

     

     

    October 30, 2018 at 7:43 am #234503
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    yes, that superhuman energy, that zest, that unique ability to dream (like yourself in 2011) that gives us the fuel to first seek the path, and second remain on it. What a great concept, thank you for pointing that out.

    On the topic of coping, I decided it is not about eradicating anxiety, but in developing coping mechanisms.  As you said, anxiety is the human condition. But mis-coping does not have to be. I have the ability to learn to cope, slowly but surely.

    Yes, I am currently in Capetown. So far away! It is an amazing place, breezy and beach like California, relaxed and scenic like Australia, and cosmopolitan and trendy like Paris. It has so much – but without a touch of pretentiousness. Which is my favorite part. You can have the best sandwich you’ve ever had, but it’s served casually with a smile and no hype or pretense.

    It makes for a relaxing experience as this ambience and energy is such. We are of course a product of our surroundings to a point, no matter how great we are at being “inward” focused. I am having a wonderful time. A mixture of adventurous activities, and down time. My husband and I finally have the much needed time to enjoy, explore, and sink and savor.

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Cali Chica.
    October 30, 2018 at 8:51 am #234527
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Then spend the rest of your time sinking and savoring this beautiful surrounding you expressed so well (like a seasoned tourist guide/ author would). And post to me when you are back to New York?

    I want you to focus on the here-and-now, which is Capetown, with your partner in life.

    anita

    October 30, 2018 at 9:35 pm #234615
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    we are now proceeding to the second leg of our trip – adventure and excitement. I will write to you when I am in NY. Yes Anita I will enjoy with my partner In life. And keep your words with me everyday.

    Hope you are well – all the best for the next few weeks. 🙂

    October 31, 2018 at 4:13 am #234633
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Enjoy. I will patiently wait to read from you again in a few weeks when you are back to NY. Best wishes for you and for your husband as you proceed to the second leg of your trip.

    anita

    November 11, 2018 at 9:20 am #236371
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I thought of you today as I read about the northern California fires. I am across the world – but hope you are okay.

    Be well- talk more soon

    November 11, 2018 at 9:42 am #236373
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    I am fine,  I appreciate you thinking about me. I no longer live in CA though, so away from the current fires. I hope you are doing well, will wait to  read from you when you return home.

    anita

    December 26, 2018 at 6:24 am #270943
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Merry Christmas. Or happy holidays, whatever you may celebrate, during this time of year. Over the last month and a half since we have last spoke, there have been many times where I sat down to write to you, but nothing came out. Or something came out, but I didn’t feel like what I really wanted to say.
     I had a wonderful trip, however it does feel so far away now, it has only been one month since it passes. real life has gone back to such a high pace that it is often hard to savor those memories.  I would like to tell you more about my trip, but perhaps in a later conversation, as it is not in the forefront of my mind.
    We moved to New York City about two weeks ago, it was the best decision for us, and I feel truly glad for moving here and not to the other side of the country. Prior to moving here, I spent some time living with my in-laws. I think I have mentioned that before, they are truly kind and supportive people. They do give me an example of what true supportive, unconditionally loving parents are like. I know that everyone is not lucky enough to experience this, and I do feel grateful that I can at least experience this through my husband, as having them as in law’s now.   I would also like to add more about that later as well – as the experience taught me a lot
     My sister has moved to New York City as well for a job 2 weeks ago. I have spent a lot of time going over many of the things that we have spoken about in regards to my sister Today and yesterday.  It has been quite overwhelming, and this is why when I say I will talk about the other things at some other time, it is because my entire brain revolves around my sister at this time.  This is not because of anything that she is doing personally TO me, but it is because of how I have been programmed. It is like I become obsessed with her progress and path, and I lose myself. It is not unlike my mother, feeling like I have to be her Savior. But like you said all this does is enable her behavior, it doesn’t lead to her or anyone’s progress. I do have to let her go and find her own journey, It cannot be my burden and responsibility.  I am learning how to have this boundary. Once again I can not blame her for any of this, as I am doing this to myself – it is me who has to take a step back and allow her to find her path

     

    My husband and I had a wonderful time living with his parents, and our one month trip was delightful. It was exactly what we needed, there were no distractions from other people, problems, or anything of that sort. It couldn’t have been at a better time. We also feel very happy about our decision to move here to New York City like I said. As you know we were considering Southern California, but for a variety of reasons decided against it. We are now stil close to all of our friends and family, (meaning his family.) This is very important.
     Over the last week however, I see him and I going back into some of our old patterns, and this is because of the way I become around my sister, I feel quite engrossed in her, and feel like I cannot focus on anything else. I take on her story  to be my own – and suffer. This is quite reminiscent of how I was with my mother. Given that I was ingrained in these patterns I know the root of them, but I do know that I have to do a lot of work to change them. The answer with my mother was going to contact, which was the best way. After which They terrorized my sister to NO end -leading to a lot of suffering for her as a result.  The way they treated her when she was living at home for the last few months was horrendous, because their entire goal was to get information about me. It was a very difficult time for her. Thus, in many ways I tried my best to be there for her too – supported her to find her own path. However, I know that there is only so much I can do. She no longer is living with them, and is starting her own chapter in NYC as well.    I remember a long time ago you mentioned that it wouldn’t be the best idea for us to live in the same city. I think about this every day. But I also think about, in a way it almost doesn’t matter. Because if she lived outside of this area or on the other side of the country, I too involved myself with her day in and day out as well.  This happened a year ago when she was living 2000 miles away, I found myself absorbed by her stuff constantly, and she did feel the same about me when I was having a tough time with my mother.
    I also think about how there is a difference between supporting someone and enabling them, and I was guilty of enabling her in the last.
    If I don’t preserve myself and create boundaries -once again it will be like what we spoke about 1 year ago –  It will be the same patterns. I always come back to. you always say, my first and foremost priority should be my husband and future family. No matter what. I finally know what this means Anita, and I was able to put this in action over the last two months when we were living with his parents and while we were on vacation. It was wonderful to finally see what that felt like. It felt like a great combination of comfort, and inward self focus.
    However over the last two weeks I have lost that in many ways, because I have been so engulfed with my sister my focus on my husband and my own self has gone out the window. It is like the way I used to live when my mother was in the picture, I was not living intentionally, or being present. My mind is always racing with 1 million other things that I wasn’t fully living at all.
    I woke up today and thought about how one of the worst shames in this world is having a great life, but not being able to enjoy it, appreciate it, or be present. in some way  it’s almost worse than having a bad life because you aren’t able to appreciate the good fruits that have been offered to you – which creates even more frustration and despair.
     I have felt like this many times in my life, and over the last few days I have felt like this again, I know it is vital that I get my self back on track like I was two months ago, focused on myself and my husband.
     I Have done so much hard work to get there, I have even done the courageous act of cutting my parents out of my life, if I can do that I can do anything. I just need to get back on track
    December 26, 2018 at 8:30 am #270971
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I am not sure if you read my prior post already.  If you did, that is okay.  I want to write this anyway.

    It was wrong of me to write this way, after not speaking over a month.  Our interaction has been WIN WIN as you say.  It has surely been a win for me, and quite life changing, and I do think it has been a win for you.  I want to keep it this way, for now, and for however long we wish.  I respect our interaction, and am grateful for it.

    Thus, there is plenty more going on in my life than just the above.  Most importantly, I did not even ask how you are.  I assume you are well, and I do wonder about you everyday.  I do hope in the near future I can learn more about your life and your husband – I admire your journey – and the path.  I too am on the path now – so I can have a deeper understanding of those that are on their own.

    Life is good Anita, and I have made a heck of a lot of progress.  I credit this to seeing the light myself, with the assistance of my husband, and you.

    Yes, there are steps forward and back, pebbles flowing off and on the unpaved road that is the path – but I (we) should never discredit our net positive forward movement on the path.  This morning, I was doing such – and there is no need for it.  Because beating yourself for stumbling off leads to no results.

    I am glad to be honest with you, now and always.  As without honesty with yourself, and closest confidantes, there is no authentic growth or change.  Yet, sometimes honesty can be mistaken for allowing one aspect of your life to overwhelm the entire thing.  It may feel candid, but it is up to us to CONTAIN and damage control – it is only up to us.

    Anyway, I do hope to hear from you soon – when you feel up to it.  I am glad to be back in touch, I know that this new chapter for me is starting with a lot more maturity and awareness than when I first spoke to you 2 years ago.  For this I am wiser and grateful.

    December 26, 2018 at 9:22 am #270987
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Happy holiday season/ New Years, I remember New Year in NYC years ago, amazing.

    Good to read from you, glad you are back. Your relationship with your sister makes me think of my relationship with my sister. I hardly talk with her because there is  nothing I can do for her and there is nothing  she can do for me. I used  to be very invested  in her, but all of my efforts brought no positive results, none whatsoever. The  more  healing  I experience, the more I see that really, there is nothing I can help her with.

    See, when I was  unwell I believed that I had  the ability to help her. Experiencing more well being currently than I ever did, I now believe that I don’t have such an ability, not at all, none.

    I suppose you believe that you do have such an ability.. I have the advantage of having  communicated with your sister at length, no longer do, not for the  longest time, but I have communicated with  her.

    I wonder if there is  anything I can help you with, in regard to your disturbing-to-you relationship with her…?

    anita

     

    December 26, 2018 at 9:30 am #270995
    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I wonder if you have read my second post – if not, read please before this reply. As I want to speak to you overall, and not just about my sister.

    And YES, you have had the opportunity to communicate with her.  This rings in my ears daily for the last 2 weeks.  I even said it out loud to my husband many times, and most recently last night – something along the lines of,” even Anita (who has not met her) believes that I can not help her, and perhaps she is not “helpable” and that she does have many qualities like my mother – that she too, may never truly get better.”

    I don’t mean to misquote you, or to assume that is exactly what you meant – but I do know it was along that wavelength and a HUGE epiphany for me.  Also that my efforts are in vain – you mentioned my consistent investment and efforts enable her, they do not help her.  Just like my mother, it is all in vain.  It is simply useless perhaps! It leaves me exhausted and depleted – and leads her to perhaps some understanding (transient) but no the fruits do NOT outweigh the labor for anyone.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
    • This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.
    December 26, 2018 at 9:36 am #271001
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Cali  Chica:

    Yes,  I read your second post before posting to you today, but it  is clear to me that  your main challenge at this time  is your relationship with your sister, this is why I attended to it. Regarding the win-win you mentioned  in your second post, when I talk about your relationship with your sister and mine with my sister, that is a  win-win. It  is  a win for  me because I understand better through communication with you.

    Your relationship with your sister can take you down, it has that  power. I think it is important to look  at it more. Do you want to tell me more about the current relationship with  her?

    anita

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