Dear Anita,

Thank you for creating the space for me to describe my current relationship with her.

Over the summer she was at home with my parents, I did not hear about her distress everyday, as she knew that it was not something I wanted to hear about.  But as it goes, it does not matter if someone TELLS you what is going on in their life, their dysfunction is the result.  Thus, over the summer one day while she was living with my parents, she had a terrible breaking point.  I drove from my in laws (where I was staying before vacation like I mentioned) and met her, and helped her “get back on track.” It was a mixture of tough love, hope, and pep talk. Along the lines of “you can do it” but you have to “toughen up” and believe in yourself.  The acute issue was her passing an exam (that she failed the first time as she was unable to focus being around my parents) and getting a job so she could move out, and the overall was her feeling extremely depressed and hopeless.  This is not the first time I have had to do something like this.  It is natural for me.  But you know what, I have felt the same as well.  Us growing up in this toxic household we all felt like that often.  But, I have now chosen a “different” life – she is still stuck.

Anyway, when I am driving back from this “intervention” – I feel only what someone on the path would be able to understand.  I feel my entire body and brain scream out – as though it has been poisoned.  Here I was enjoying a week at my in laws in peace, and this felt like a HUGE set back.  Why? One would say – why is it a set back, you were helping your sister, she has the problem not you.  But no, as you understand, it became my problem, it became my being.  I felt so tense I felt I could snap, and was shaking.  I immediately noticed I was feverishly biting my nails (a nervous and anxious habit I left a long time ago, and is a huge indication of unease for me).  I arrived home, and from that moment forward I transferred all this negative and tense energy onto my husband.  of course – it is subconscious, and especially with what we have been through with my mother he is quite keen and aware of my energy.  So its 2 am, and I am tossing and turning and so is he.  It is about 4 days before our epic month trip, and instead we should be relaxing and thinking about that.  Well, should isn’t really exactly the right term.  Anyway, he also snaps at that moment – and we are both laying there feeling like – wow it never ends does it.  We have 2 months off as doctors at the same exact time – so hard to coordinate! we are about to depart on our belayed honeymoon, and finally enjoy time to ourselves (as you know how tainted everything from the proposal to wedding was – no need to explain) and here I am, but moreover, HE is sitting there feeling terrible.

So of course, then I feel angry. I feel angry at my sister, feel angry at my parents for harassing and torturing her to no end and contributing to her breakdown, feel angry at myself for pushing all these feelings onto my husband, and then feel angry at my husband for no reason at all.  I feel so angry and frustrated that I literally could snap and explode.  over the next few days my sister felt better and motivated, and i left for my trip knowing she would pass her exam and find a way – as I had guided her and she does have the capability deep down inside.  I am also sitting there and thinking “wow, I am not judging her – but if getting out of that house is not motivating what is? if i had failed the exam that first time, I would do ANYTHING in my power to pass that second time and find an independent path for myself.  Yet, she needs me to remind her that and put her on track. it is hard for her to focus I know, but somehow I feel that the courage to find a way out of that demon place should make her excel and rise above We are different, but she is battered and troubled and dealing with severe anxiety.  The effects my mother had on her are in many ways worse than me, so I can not blame her per se, but she needs major help.  At least for now I hopefully got her back on track.”

I fast forward to the trip, it was truly enjoyable and I was not in communication with anyone outside a few random emails here and there.  We were able to enjoy the trip without outside problems, and it was a platform for me to practice what we talk about is most important – focus on myself and future family.

So we return around thanksgiving.  My sister is pleased to say she passed her exam, and now is looking for jobs.  she had a terrible time at home, and was using all sorts of escapes to get away from my parents as much as she could.  hanging out with anyone possible (even if she didn’t love the company), trying to find hobbies, all sorts of things.  she finds a job in nyc finally.  I am happy for her, but nervous about her being so close as well.  We are as close as could be and have lots of fun together, yet she triggers me in a way that I can not describe.  That you have described so well in the past – that even if she doesn’t do something it is triggering, as it is the pattern of our history and interaction.

So now we are in the present, I had another intervention with her last week.  More of a sit down and lets talk things out type of thing.  I mentioned to her that we do not have a strong foundation of love and stability given our parents.  She has been going to therapy and has a lot of insight on this too.  So we talk about how seeking distractions and escapism will not lead to any change or growth..  And instead, she has to face her fears head on, and focus on wholesome people and activities.  — to be continued below

Also, I have a wonderful family now, my husband and his family.  And they have always been very welcomming to my family (parents always but thats the past) and sister current.  In fact, my mother in law knows a lot of what went on at my parents house over the summer and stated that if my sister  ever needed support or a place to stay she is always welcome.  The holidays are a time where my family was always invited to theirs..  My sister joined my husband and I for their big family party this past Saturday, it was loads of fun, and she knows all the cousins very well.

So in short, it I guess feels that I am “sharing” my wholesome stable family with her, since she does not have her own.  I am making her apart of it, I am spreading that support and love – not just of myself but of my husband and his parents.  I guess I believe since it has helped me and is a positive influence, it will be for her.

So after this intervention above, that you read, and this holiday part on Saturday.  the plan was to go to my in laws for xmas eve/day.  I assumed she would come with us, as who else would she spend time with? not my crazy parents? and she lives in nyc where she is new.

She informs me that coming to my in laws will be triggering for her and she does not want to come.  I say I understand, but tell her it will be a positive environment and its just us, not a party.  She mentions that her whole life it has always been about me.  She only sees the world through my eyes (background ever since she was a little girl, I would always take her out with my friends, and bring her, and have her experience things) – she says she wants to also start building her own life, and learn to experience nyc on her own.  I totally understaand this, and in fact during the intervention I had stressed to her the importance of building her own identity and life..

but..I say – this is Christmas, you have all the time in the world to do that, but on a holiday like this it should be spent with loved ones, and you have us (my husband is like an older brother to her in many ways).  She then says how she will be spending time with a friend (random person she just met) and this new guy shes kind of dating.  she states that she didn’t want to tell me about him as she doesn’t know where it is going to go.

I accept it.

We are at Xmas, and my in laws ask where she is.  I make up an excuse.  They even have a gift ready for her, and I say I’ll have her open it when I get back.  They are not annoyed at all, just slightly confused as to why she is not there – also knowing how much she is in need of “support and familly.” On the drive back, my husband was visibly frustrated.  It was Christmas Day, and I had a feeling why.  So we begin to talk about it.  He states (not in these exact terms) that he is disappointed and annoyed with my sister.  That all we do is constantly go out on a limb for her, find her support and resources and all, but she does whatever she wants..  That it was silly and stupid to go hang out with random people on Xmas especially after all she has been through recently, and thinking she understood the value of true support.  not to mention how he felt it was disrespectful to his parents (not because they were at all affected) but because he is sick and tired of himself and his parents constantly helping my family.  of course he was angry, but he is right Anita.  He is Absolutely right.

I spend the rest of the day yesterday feeling awful, almost as bad as I did those weeks before I went no contact with my mom.  I felt angry at my sister for being such an immature flake, but also understanding that she is lost and wants to find her way.  I felt angry at myself for allowing yet another aspect of my family ruin a nice relaxing day.  I felt angry at myself for getting consumed by others.  i have a friend S, her sister is in a terrible marriage with no end in sight, yet S – lives her OWN life.  She doesn’t suffer for her sister day in and day out.  She lives her own life.

But I don’t.  I don’t even know how to.  I know where it stems from.  My mother did not teach us love, shes taught us enmeshment.  She equated boundaries and personal space as selfishness.  She taught me it was my job to make her happy and save her,and make her life better.  Well the same goes with my sister..  From a young age she made it known that my sister  was unhappy and didn’t have a good life, so I, being the functional, likable, popular one, should guide my sister.  I should uplift her.  This was no fault of my sister, as it started before she even knew.  Of course as she got older, she built a life of her own – but in many ways not entirely – look at the example of the intervention before my vacation.  this has happened countless times, having to call her directors to speak with them about allowing her some personal days off.  feeling like I should fly to the other side of the country because she states she felt suicidal.  helping her find a psychiatrist, list goes on – all things a sister “should” do.  but it is all encompassing. perhaps i am disappointed that after all that, the sit down with her last week and everything, she still decides to be hasty and didn’t learn a thing.  it is not about Christmas, it is about priorities.  which she does not have.  she has no foundation or priorities.

I know why, it is this toxic upbringing..  She has made so much progress, and we both have awareness about our mother we never had.  But perhaps thats not enough..  She is not me.  I perhaps assume she has the courage, capability, and awareness of myself – but she does not.  I must accept that.

and perhaps it is becoming clearer and clearer – I can not make her better or teach her.  Perhaps I have to let her go.  Perhaps – I can not help her.  Perhaps she is not “helpable” – yes maybe not at all.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 11 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dear Anita,

I know exactly what you mean.  And have even thought about this..  Here’s the thing.  Sometimes I think about how she is harmed “more” and sometimes I don’t. In reality, she is not harmed more.  To be quite honest I think about it more like this, my mother is the victimizer and my sister and I are BOTH the victims. (in reality it is not a concept that she or I or anyone had it “worse” because the true reality is that we suffered from a mother who did not provide us true love, foundation, and support)

The way I see it is like this, and sorry if it is graphic.  There are 2 girls who are raped by the same man.  One is older, and has some more things going on in her life.  The other is younger.  They both suffered trauma and abuse from this man.

Now, the older one, has made progress to work through her trauma, and she is extending a hand to the younger one.  But – as you can see, it is impossible for this rape victim to help the other one process her trauma.  Not only is it not possible, it also makes the older one regress back into traumatic patterns and ways.

Dear Anita,

you wrote “your sister believes that you sometimes abuse her”

I see.  In a way I understand as well.  I have often been such a strong domineering personality.  I have put her down many times in my life, making it known I resented her, or that she burdened me with her problems or inadequacies.  I know this has not been easy for her.  This combined with my mother she felt like the black sheep.  That cali chica could do no harm, yet she was incapable and never good enough.  I of course never instilled that in her (my mother did) but I can’t say I did not contribute to it, when I was always “hard on her”

Dear Anita,

I am also thinking about one of your first comments today, the fact that you wrote that when you were unwell you thought that you could help your sister. And that perhaps I believe that I can help my sister. I wonder if that is still relevant given our conversation thus far. Perhaps it is true, I need to  stray away from how much I try to “help” my sister and simply try to “protect her from abuse”.  I wonder what that means, I am sure we can elaborate more tomorrow as I know you will be heading away from the computer

Dear Anita

so very well put. Thank you.  I do agree, and can see why she feels abused by me. In fact, I did not actively physically abuse her, and during her formative years, I wasn’t always present. However, I will say that my role in her life because of my mother was often very abusive. To elaborate, if I came home from college it became all about me, my mother would use me as a way to put her down further. Perhaps I also added to that without even knowing.  Perhaps I added to that actively as well. Or, I would go along with my mother. It was her and I against my younger sister. Given that my mother saw her and I as one, and felt like I was her chummy other half, I can look back and see how many times I just went along with my mother.   I recall a dance recital during which my sister was unable to perform as expected, and my mother was devastated. I recall feeling quite torn, I was there for my sister and feel angry at my mother for putting so much pressure on a young girl, however I did not take my sister in my arms and say it is OK and that my mother was wrong.    Of course not, only now do I have such insight, and so much more.

I do agree that an order for my sister to heal, she does have to spend time away. I also see that this is what she is trying to do without saying the word.  I do not believe that my sister and I have to be a no contact. I do believe that this will be more harmful for both of us then beneficial. But, understanding that my sister is not my mother, and vice versa, there is a lot of good to the relationship.    Given that she does have more insight and capability that my mother, and so do I, I do believe that our relationship can strengthen over time in respect, as we can both heal independently.

Yesterday I thought a lot about what we spoke about. I went for a jog, something I have not done in a long time. I was able to jog more than normal, caught up in my thoughts about all of this. When I finish my job, I realized, like many things in my life I do try to control my sister. I have been so caught up and what has allowed me to heal, that I push it on her. Without any understanding that I too was an abuser of her.    Addition, my tone and manner can be very domineering at times, and although I do believe it comes from a good place, that is hardly the point right now. What this person needs is protection from abuse. That is simply it.

Dear Anita,

That is wonderful and succinct advice. I agree wholeheartedly. I am impressed by your ability to map out complex concepts and put them into –  simply the truth.

After all, all of the progress that I have made in understanding what the truth is, and being able to progress in my life has come down to simple phrases hasn’t it? Oh so long ago it seems you said to me, get off the crazy train. You explained me that the only way I had a chance at a saying a normal life is to not have my mother in it. Oh how complex it all seemed back then, and Surely it is, entries and entries, stories upon stories. But what did it all come down to? That I should not have contact with my mother. Simply this. Time and again no matter what the story. It came back to this. Because – after all this is the truth, I am living the truth every day. Just like above, I must leave my sister alone, I am not helping her.  The help she needs cannot possibly come from me.

It makes sense to me why I would get so distraught when I was “helping” her. Because Did not see the light: I was not really helping her at all.  so that got me even more frustrated given that I was putting out immense effort. But this is not the way. This is not the path. Not for myself. Not for her – not for anyone.

It makes perfect sense Anita, my job is to protect her from abuse, it is not to “help“ her.

I will let this sink and savor, I would like to write to you more later on today

Dear Anita,

my sister came over for dinner today as my husband was going to give us our Xmas presents (it was a group surprise so he wanted us to receive it together). All in all – long story short. After he left he was at a tipping point. It is hard to explain but over a year ago when things got really bad with my mother it began to really affect him. This is because of how it affected me. It’s that being around my mother / her energy would change me into a different person. Of course that was on me, but her presence would turn me into this person who non stop entertains talks, makes people laugh, on on on, a manic energy. And also an angry resentful person for the despair  and desperation the person brings

I do the same with my sister. And after our conversations I tried to be more aware of it, but inevitably it is still there and would take a ton of conscious effort to be aware of and even change. That is a conversation in itself

Anyway – so one small example for today about my sister is that she decided not to come to his parents party for Xmas and so we brought the gift home from his parents. (This example is not about a gift or material thing, but a concept). She opens it and says thank you and all. Then a short while later begins saying how it’s not something she would use, or a brand she likes as it isn’t what people wear anymore. I quickly jump in and say oh don’t worry we can exchange it – or find something else at the store. Feeling quite bad she is saying this in front of my husband. Like hello what NOT to say when his mother kindly got you a sweet gift and invited you to their home

Once again only a small example this entry of mine today is not about that – it’s about a breaking point

So ar the end of the night after my sister leaves, my husband who never complains or brings things up unless he is at his WITS END – said. Wow after all that your sister is sitting there acting like she is too good for a gift from my parents. She literally has no self awareness or respect. He is angry  he is fuming. He is beyond frustrated

He spoke about a few more things, and the way I act like a manic frenzied person when she is around (absolutely true, and feels uncontrollable and automatic). I saw in him what I’ve only seen once before. A man who literally has nothing left.  I saw this months before I went no contact with my mother.  He is so frustrated tears are almost coming out of his eyes. Like someone who has given his all (he has and you’ve read this in the past)

He said – now that he has the insight of my family – that he is sick and tired of the same thing over and over. And that my sister being around is starting to feel just like that. (Background he is amazingly supportive of her in all ways ) – but the combination of her energy, the way she acts, and MOST importantly the way I act and who I turn into around her – is just too much.

I see it exactly clearly. If someone on the outside heard this they would think of this as simply a husband annoyed with his wife’s family. But this is not that. It is the feeling of toxicity and anxiety creeping in. It is above all when someone has had enough they have nothing left. This is after years of torture and trauma from my mother.

We made SOO much progress over the past 2 months while at his parents house and away. And it feels like it is all undone, a huge step back. He said it himself – and he usually would be positive and optimistic. But he spoke the truth. We are back where we started. It feels terrible- it is terrible  – and foolish it feels too

It has gotten so bad over the last 2 weeks. Over the last 2 weeks I am agitated and anxious at almost every moment. I have had horrendous insomnia, and my anxious energy of course transfers to him. I’ve been negative and ruminating – and nothing like the progress I have made.

Bow ofncourse this is multifactorial and I do know some biological triggers for anxiety in me that I am working on. But I do also know that as soon as my sister decided to move here it has been overwhelmed by her. Her coming over. Asking us which apartment. Not even having furniture or a second to breathe but immediately sitting down and helping her find an apartment.  It being present for even a second about this new chapter we are starting because now it’s abour helping her sell her car and how she will do this and that. Going to the bank to get her money. Bam our vacation and week to ease into nyc life is over. Where did it go? These are all small and simple things. These are normal. This is perfectly fine. But it’s the emotional aspect of it. I do feel I have been entirely enveloped in her, and as a result it has become all about her for my husband too. I don’t just blame myself though. The example today about the purse gift she received is just one – she does not have awareness of how she comes off to others – and I make excuses for it – but at a certain point others will have low tolerance especially when they are putting so much energy into assisting you.

I dunno Anita. It leaves me in a tough spot. It’s not a choose my husband or her situation.  No it’s not. But I know first of all I need to change my behavior around her. I turn into an immature lunatic with frenzied energy that doesn’t relax. It is on me to change that. I also no that some distance is key. My husband just started a very tough new job and I should have respect for this and not constantly dig him deeper into family drama. It is inevitable sure. But I can have boundaries and spend time with my sister elsewhere and less often. That would be better for all. She came over with a sense of loneliness and feeling lost. But I know that I can not help her. We talked about this earlier and I let that sink and savor.

What i know is that my sister has to find her path. If along the way this destroys my marriage because the effect it has on me (and as a result my husband) that is not okay. She is not the one destroying it- I would be letting the situation create harm. So in reality it is the situation. A tough one and how to do damage control.

I know Anita something must change – I feel as horrible as I did right before no contact – and it’s hard to explain What the situation is exactly. It’s about energy and interaction and not what my sister and I truly said or did. It’s her dog peeing all over the floor and her slowly getting up, and  or having a reflex sorry,while I run there and clean it all up. It’s not about cleaning – it’s about the difference in reaction and personality. And if I or anyone else was in that situation would quickly get up and apologize. It’s aboit getting a gift from someone who really is being nice as they aren’t your own family. And after opening it saying to my husband oh it’s not a brand People really use I feel bad. It’s not about the purse it’s aboit respect. It’s about feeling like my husband and I are parents to her. And no,  not because I am being domineering. Because she truly needs us. Who else will pay for her first 2 months rent? Who else will help her navigate adulthood like selling her car. Who else would help her find this job. All that though Anita is the easy part. I do it gladly. So does my husband. It’s not about those thugs. It’s that my husband is at a breaking point. Perhaps I just need to do a better job at acting mature around her and not regressing back into a CHILD. Or perhaps I need to see she is a trigger and create space. Perhaps I am expecting too much of my own self  during this time of HEALING for me. How easily I forgot that I am still healing aren’t I. No wonder I feel like utter garbage – I’m still healing – how could I take on this…?

• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.
• This reply was modified 5 years, 10 months ago by Cali Chica.