Dear Anita,

Sorry for my rage and venting tone – I wanted to add one more thing. It is hard to explain but perhaps you’ll be able to see what I mean when we speak next.

Its that in a way I act immature and childish as a way to make my mother (and sister) happy. It was always a default to entertain them and make them laugh and feel less alone. It was a default role I was given years ago without asking for it, it became innate – not the personal fault of anyone. It’s that oh when Cali Chica comes home she “lights up the house.” I would have friends over and stories and bring my sister here and there. I helped create a life for her. Entertainment. And as for my mom – well there was so much of that to help make her happy. Of course it never worked. So his is the root of this immature scatter brained silly clownish behavior. That at this age and stage is useless, immature, and clearly something I nor my husband want around. With that – and this is huge. I NEVER learned respect for marriage from my mother. As you know. It’s all about what was over there. Not here. Moreover, and this is difficult to explain – I think I deep down inside feel guilty – so I will quickly push aside respect for my husband and instead “clown around” with my sister. Not because she asks me to – but it is a way I relate to her and also not make her feel like she doesn’t have “me.”  This is silly because clearly she and anyone knows that I am a married woman and I have other priorities too. But it’s not them it’s me. I instantly do this and almost downplay my maturity responsibility and my husband/marriage as a priority.

Here’s a small example. Before she left today she’s like do you want to sleepover. She was half joking. But in reality if I didn’t downplay it so much,  a younger sister wouldn’t ask her older married sister (whose house she’s at) to come sleepover at hers. She didn’t mean harm by this.

My example is that it’s My behavior. I act foolish. I act childish. I don’t act like a mature married woman. Instead I “stoop down” to a fun kid that I assume would be relatable for her. I disregard that my husband should be my priority and act silly – so that she feels happy and included. I do this all subconsciously. Because see when it’s the three of us hanging out it was always fine. Just like family. But when I act like this it doesn’t help anyone. My sister isn’t asking me to. And she’s younger and influenced by me – so it’s an act she follows. If I act all silly and foolish- and the next day say gosh you being here makes me all frenzied and makes my husband annoyed. Well that’s on me.

Juat wanted to add that. The first post and the example about how she reacted to the gift are still relavent. And those are on her. But in this world I must focus on what I can change. And perhaps that’s my behavior – and allow my husband some space away from the ups and downs.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for taking the time for reading my very verbose posts. This is very interesting. And your statement about there are only two options, either no contact or having psychotherapy together over a long period of time of hard work. I understand this. I truly do. I must process it I would like to come back to this after this post. And I will. Because I do need to get more out. If that makes sense.

What I am struggling with this at this exact moment this morning is the following, I abused her.  Never in a direct Sense. More as a result of the interaction with my mother which created toxicity All around. Or more because of the role that I’ve had to have in her life which led me to feel depleted, something I see now more below. But it is true I never actively directly abused my sister out of hate for her. It was that she felt so singled out by my mother, and my mother seeing me as the golden child made it that much worse for her. It is true, and I will be the first to admit my fault. I never truly abused my sister directly. Physically or emotionally. This is the truth. And if you know me well enough by now, I am no enemy of the truth. I would like to admit all of my faults to learn about what can change to increase the better mental health for all of us. Example I actively admit that I have abused my husband psychologically, and continue to do so to this day, as you saw from my previous post. was more about lashing out at her with resentment after feeling overwhelmed by her.  That’s it, feeling so angered by the things that I have to do for her and then becoming quite nasty about it after-the-fact.  That is very wrong, and In it’s OWN way it is abuse. I agree. But I just want to point that out that there may not be a difference in terminology or effect. Sure. But between active indifference lack of love, meanness and abuse – and something like being angry at my sister for making the same mistakes over and over and me cleaning up her messes – there is a difference to me. Maybe you’ll understand once you read more. Maybe it doesn’t even matter. its not the point of what I want to say. As the point is in the real life examples. The real feelings. The repercussions of what happens

I will try my best to explain and would like to see your feedback. Pardon me for it being a stream of conscious nest, as you can tell I am in a distressed state, this is not me two months ago that was able to write to you eloquently from a state of calm. And that is OK, the path ebbs and flows.  This is a time of distress.

So here’s an example, I am a mother of a 16-year-old daughter. The daughter gets pregnant, by accident of course. She tells me. I am just stressed beyond believe, losing sleep, losing my appetite. Feeling so much emotion. Feeling angry at my daughter for her getting onto the situation. Feeling sorry for my daughter for now having the situation on her hand, and wishing that she didn’t have to go through it. Feeling angry again that finally when I had some peace and quiet that of course another bomb dropped into my life. So many things. But most of all feeling so upset for her and worried about her. It is unexplainable, it is the stress  A parent feels when their child goes through something difficult or has been given a difficult piece of information.

Now you can say, well the daughter didn’t ask me to feel like this. But that is entirely irrelevant. Because by the nature of the relationship, the mother will feel this. Well a mother that cares of course. This is an something that people dissect that often, because it seems pretty obvious. The mother of course is not complaining about how she feels, because you’re focuses on her daughter at this time. The way she feels is just of course a part of nature of events and her being the mother.

Well, this exact thing happened to me a week ago. Now I by no means am telling you that I am a mother. I am not overstepping my boundaries and calling myself a high and holy mother. But in reality Anita I have had to take on this role for my sister. Not because she asked for it, and not because I forced it. It just is. So for listening/writing sake let’s keep it at that.

My sister last week started having these very strange symptoms, I told her to go to the urgent care of course. But she was home with my parents, who are beyond controlling. She explained some of this to my father, and he told her to come to the urgent care where he works at. Clearly an appropriate, as the symptoms she was experiencing were private and feminine in nature.    He said that one of his female colleagues could see her, but once again inappropriate, as he would have access to the chart and read all of it and then of course be right her about anything.   So my sister continues to tell me her symptoms and how she is scared and suffering, and lets me know that she is now deciding to go out to dinner with a friend that she met randomly. She is using this as an escape to get away from my crazy parents. Understandable.  But here I am Anita stressed out about what she is going through. Once again not because she told me to be, but because I am a caring older sister. In that moment I have no idea what I was doing, I could’ve been climbing a mountain, or cleaning my bathroom, all of my attention and energy was focused on that. I guide her and tell her that she should ask her friend to take her to an urgent care on the way to dinner so at least that she can be checked out and get a diagnosis, and that I will pay for any expenses. Anyway it turns out that she has a pretty horrific diagnosis. No it is not cancer or that she is dying. It is not pregnancy. But it is something that is quite appalling without giving too much detail. I am besides myself for the rest of the day and night I could hardly sleep. I was so distraught over this. I felt like how could this happen to my sister, and why. I also felt sorry for her for dealing with the repercussions of this. Now just like the example above with the mother, the daughter did not ask her mother to do this. But it was the natural way for me.  Of course my distress and anxiety over all this rubbed off onto my husband. Like you said it affected his health. It was his first day back to work as a surgeon Now in nyc.

Ironic isn’t it Because rewind back to two years ago when we first started our jobs elsewhere, the same exact thing happened, but it was because of my mother.  I am not comparing as it is not my fault that this happened to my sister. But it’s just an example. It really doesn’t even matter this example because as you know with these things is the pattern of everything overall. Here is more.

Two years ago my sister got a training position in Phoenix. It was July a few months before wedding. A background about what was happening at that time, is that my mother was terrorizing us every day. She would call my now in-laws and send them nasty messages, call their community and try to let them know that they are evil people and that my mother is really concerned that I have to marry into this family, calling us at midnight pretending my dad is having chest pain. So much, terrible stuff, this was at a point where I literally felt like I was dying every day. You know this we talked about this all the time it is what led me to my own breaking point Anyway, it was Fourth of July weekend, my husband had that weekend off for the first time in years, he and I never get these sorts of weekends off together. Forget the holiday, what we truly needed was 24 to 48 hours and just other piece. Well my mother and sister call me the week prior and say OK well she is moving to Phoenix so when should we book your ticket? Of course as reflex I immediately start planning, I don’t even think about how my husband and I need one to two days to her self. Of course not, of course I have to jump in and help my sister.  So I book a ticket and I’m ready to go. At this time my husband was not as outward as he is now. But he did mention, that he was hoping that we would have at least one or two days of peace given that we have been through such a hell storm. And that literally he and I are not sleeping or able to even function (it’s a miracle how we perform in our jobs). I say to him I totally understand, but I have to be there for my sister. Later on in the day I am telling another friend about how I am going. She said something that was very interesting to me. She says, wow that is so nice of you it is only a few months before your wedding and you have been through so much, yet you are jumping on a flight to go across the country to help your sister. Don’t you think that she would be able to manage on her own, because it’s not like she’s really moving anything physically. I said to her yeah, but she’s my baby sister so I always support her.  It’s her first time moving out of state.

And then it occurred to me, there was no question about me going. It was just assumed, it was assumed by my sister and mother, but equally it was assumed by me. Not once did I question whether I had a choice. A CHOICE. Doesn’t this sound familiar Anita, just like with my mother, I never thought to myself that I had a choice to engage in a conversation with her even if I was in the middle of something important with my husband. Never did I think I had a choice to perhaps not pick up the phone if I was in the middle of a work emergency. Nope, my mother was always a priority, it was instant yes. Similarly I jumped on this plane and went to Phoenix. The entire time I thought extremely guilty about my decision knowing that I really didn’t need to be there at all, all it was was my mother and I hanging out with my sister while she put some things in her apartment away. But of course I was there for support. But what did Cali Chica need that weekend? did she need to take a six hour flight to Arizona for 24 hours and rush back. And have perhaps six hours with her husband before they go back on their crazy call schedules as doctors. Know what she needed was some mental peace for at least 12 hours. But she never preserves that, she didn’t know she had the choice. No choice at all. Family above all. No thought.  Of course this was not even in the question. I ended up mentioning something slightly before I left for my flight. My mom made a snide remark about how I was only staying for 24 hours. And I said to her, or TRIED there’s only so much I can do, the fact that I came across the country just for a day, that’s all I can because I am trying to get back to spend some time with my fiancé. I FEEL SO SO GUILTY saying this is hardly comes out without me brushing it off. My sister remarks, well of course you would come, I’m moving across the country. Of course you would.

And that’s JUST it. Of course I would come Anita. Of course!!!! Of course! Without a question. Assumed. And why not, whh wouldn’t it be. It was never a pattern to be otherwise. why didn’t I say to them, sorry I can’t make it I know that you are moving across the country but you have mom, and I can’t make it for just 24 hours, my fiancé and I really need this time for my mental health. Why didn’t I say that? Of course I didn’t say that. Do you want to know why Anita? Because this is what my mother would say, and my sister would believe it too. My mother would say oh, now that you have a man in your life you forgot about your own family, look how quickly your priorities change, look how you are helping him and not us. See if it was him you would jump to do anything (not true at all as I threw him on the back burner and did nothing for him and everything for Mom and sis) but look she would say you forgot about your poor sister and helping her. What kind of sister does this, what should we expect of you when you get married, figured You will just throw out your family and your sister. I not only felt guilty by this I truly believed this, so of course without a thought I ran over. Always. Of course. This is a key paragraph.

So what about this?

The Phoenix story, and my being there for her strange diagnosis two weeks ago. These are just two, these things happen almost every month. While in Phoenix she was dating some guy, it didn’t work out, and she was so distraught that she thought that she would have to leave her training program. I had to Set her down, over the phone of course, and talk to her and tell her that she would be OK, that it was going to be fine, I then got on the phone with her director, and was able to explain to her that she was having some mental health troubles and that she would need some personal days. I got her in touch with a psychiatrist of course continue to follow up.

And I was glad I was there for her, but it continues to go in circles, not in a straight line. Two months later or something similar, another boy, not that that’s the case. But feeling like she can’t pass the exam that she has because she can’t stop thinking about all this crazy stuff. Then again later a breaking point over the summer, when she was at my parents house and they were driving up up the wall and she hit another breaking point. I know what you may say perhaps, or perhaps what anyone would say. That I’m not supposed to be her therapist, and that she needs professional help. Of course, and she does have other resources. But that is not the entire point. Just like my example above, the mother of this newly teen pregnant girl is still going to be affected. She can seek therapy and so kind a daughter. But it is hard to not be affected and consumed by such. And the funny thing is Anita, I’m not even a parent yet

My mother and sister have hardly any respect for my relationship for my husband. And let’s take my mother aside, the thought of my sister. I have never made it a priority. I didn’t act like a 32-year-old before the Phoenix example and say. I know sister that you are moving across the country but I know that you are going to handle on your own just fine. And that we have set everything up (I found her apartment and all for her and other logistics) This is an important time for me to have some mental health and sanity or else I will be at my breaking point. So I will not be able to come for 24 hours to Phoenix. I hope you can understand.

Nope I never did say that. There was ZERO space for it, because as above, and I don’t want to reiterate, this would be the response of my mother, and quite possibly my sister

I don’t want credit, but my health and my husband‘s health is depleted and on the line. We made so much progress and instantly and the two weeks that she has been around we feel entirely different. It is because of me. Is is not her fault. It is because of the way I act around her, it is because I become consumed by her and what she’s going through. Yes I know.  Because of the ingrained patterns that we have, over the years that are so deeply entrenched in us.

I know I am not really the mother of this teen parent. But in that scenario it was nothing different. She was the teen girl with this new horrific diagnosis. And I was her supporter. That’s it. The teen girl goes off and lives her life and accepts it and is relatively fine, but the mother was affected too. And for examples sake, the mother’s new boyfriend is affected because this mother has been so distraught and disheveled over the last three days it has affected him too creating angst for him.

I know all of this might not be that coherent, as it is a stream of consciousness. But what I would tell someone like me is this, you need to focus on your own health and your husband’s health first right now. Yes your sister might see you as an abuser in the past. Yes she has passive aggressive anger. Yes. All that.

But what about me? (For analogy sake) What about the fact that being this mother to those teen pregnant child has now made me lose my “boyfriend”  Has now made me have to go on antidepressants. Has now made me have trouble coping. See the teenage girl is dealing it with her own way but she is out with her friends living her life today. But what is Mom doing?

She comes home and says mom, I’m fine, why are you so upset? And then the mother may lash out. (Which is not the right way) but She feels angry and frustrated. But all in all, she doesn’t know how to not feel like this because she is a mother after all.

What about coming back from Phoenix depleted, and that not having any energy or reserve for my husband so feeling like I want to lash out at him, but also feeling resentful that my sister had no understanding of such. What a lose lose situation.

She may be angry Anita, she may see me as abusive in the past Anita but what about all this.

• This reply was modified 5 years, 12 months ago by Cali Chica.

Dearest Anita,

this is IT!!!

Many mother taught me to be loyal to my sister. Essentially be a good sister and bad wife.

Yes yes yes. You put it into words. Oh what an epiphany. This is like the last one I hold onto daily :

the good is not here it is over there  by this delusion I seek over there

Now this: to be a GOOD girl I must be a BAD wife

oh so brilliant  – I have a slight release/joy right now for coming to this epiphany via route of your wisdom

You feel sure of and confident of Number 3 no help at all. I feel 100 percent sure of this in my bones.

But of course able to be done by understanding first. Respecting and savoring it. And With practice. Yes with practice

But anita – do you believe that by doing so I can get back on track and to my priorities. Which I was working so hard to do To my inner self and husband? Its like this. All this stuff with my sister doesn’t have me just frenzied in regards to her. It’s ocerall. It’s forgetting if I turned the stove off because my mind is a mess. It’s not asking my husband how his day was bc my mind is in circles. You get the idea and you know this pattern. It’s not living because it’s being consumed with anxiety and toxicity. I feel so off track today off the path that I quesion it. So I am asking you to explain to me the link – how will removing myself from helping her – allow me to go back to say , Cali Chica “en route of good progress” 2 months ago. I am almost there and do believe it somewhere deep down. I just need a reminder. That it is possible. And by doing number 3 I will be able to facilitate the process back on path better

Dear Anita,

the first biggest hurdle was accomplished yes. And by daily practice continues to be.

Now onto the second. Yes there are plenty hurdles in life But in this case there is 1 and 2. The main one which is above and beyond, my parents. And the second one. My sister. It is easy to get overwhelmed and feel like there was one, and two, and what will there be three for five more?  Sure life will always throw me hurdles. But it is important for me to separate what one and two are. Because they are primary. And when I don’t tackle them they become jumbled, and all of life is a jumbled. I no longer no myself in this jumble. So yes. Number 1 and number 2.  I know in my heart these are the two main ones. I know it, and you reminded me thank you. I am in the process of resolving number two. I was able to resolve number one, and continue to do so every day. And will continue to do so. I am so confident and capable of resolving number one.

so number 2—

I have the courage and capability. I am not superhuman. No I am relinquishing that hat slowly. But I am me. And that is unique and able to do anything after conquering number 1.  I am not superhuman, I am only human, but I have the insight, awareness, and intelligence to Conquer number one. And therefore now I am on number two. And I can do it. I can do it. My life in this moment (overall) my progress thus far. My interaction with you. Is all proof. It is living proof. I am me. I conquered number one. So I have the tools. Now to number 2, my life isn’t on hold. It is not backwards. It is not regressed. It is a pause the path is waiting for me. Patiently. But do I want to get back on? Yes I do. In fact I am already on the path! A stumble to the right is not falling off!  But to get back on the straight line – I just have to attend to number 2.

Dear Anita, I am having a beautiful cup of tea. I hope that you are having your own version of such, or whatever makes you happy. Speak tomorrow, happy new year. Happiest of New Year’s to you