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This topic contains 1,200 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  anita 10 hours, 57 minutes ago.

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  • #279709

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    No benefit in accommodating her delusions, her distorted thinking

    Better stick to correct thinking, that which fits reality

     Have your loyalty be to reality, keep your focus on it.

    That AZ experience was no benefit to anyone, well except that my mother could gloat “oh my daughters look how supportive they are, look how much they care for one another and their mother.” but quickly – oh you’re leaving so soon.  NO benefit to anyone, just distress upon distress.  Distress breeding more distress.  Dysfunction breeding more dysfunction.

    All because of a delusional definition of what SUPPORT and help is.  The mother’s distorted definitions.

    No use of it.  Needing help for rent, but then signing up for now  two dogs to roam freely.  Where does that time, money, and energy come from? The air? No, sister, it does not.

     

    Best to prepare.  How shall I do so. I would like to brainstorm here…

    • This reply was modified 2 months, 1 week ago by  Cali Chica.
    #279719

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You can prepare a couple of scenarios, worst ones perhaps and plan your reactions: 1, 2, 3. Come up with milder scenarios and plan, alone and with your husband, have these plans in Word or on paper, review.

    anita

    #279721

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Excellent advice.

    I will brainstorm.

    As an additional note, I want to re-write.

    No benefit in accommodating her delusions, her distorted thinking

    Better stick to correct thinking, that which fits reality

     Have your loyalty be to reality, keep your focus on it.

     

    This goes with her especially, but anything in life.  Yes, there is absolutely no benefit in accommodating delusional distorted people/thinking.  All it brings is suffering.  Best to stay away (when possible) best to protect my sphere, best to protect my energy so that I can focus on reality. Stick to reality.

    I notice I was having very little trouble doing this recently – seeing reality.  Seeing people for who they are, N, the bossy lady at work – not internalizing as my fault or something I can do or change.

    I will continue at this.

    There is no help in enabling dysfunction.

    #279733

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Correct: “there is no  help in enabling dysfunction”, not others and .. not your own. Because when one enables dysfunction, one is being dysfunctional.

    anita

    #279735

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Because when one enables dysfunction, one is being dysfunctional.

    To me the new aspect of this quote is not the objective truth of it, but more so the power, confidence, and clarity to choose.

    To choose function over dysfunction, and leaving guilt, patterns, and habits behind.

    #279763

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    To choose thoughtfully instead of to automatically or habitually react. To choose, moment by moment, all day and tomorrow. It is exhausting sometimes. I suppose that is the price of mindful living, it is exhausting. But at the end of the day, we save ourselves.

    anita

    #280725

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Hello, how are you Anita? It has been one week since we last spoke, and I have thought about what we have spoken about in the last month – daily.

    You wrote:

    To choose thoughtfully instead of to automatically or habitually react. To choose, moment by moment, all day and tomorrow. It is exhausting sometimes.

    Yes, quite exhausting.  In fact, I was thinking about how it takes daily effort.

    I think of it like this, a person who has difficulty with weight management, each and every day they have to be mindful about what they eat, if they go too much one way, they feel off balance.  If they find themselves in a scenario where this may be difficult (i.e a party or a buffet) they have to have great self control/mindfulness.  At times when they don’t it may be okay, but adding up – it leads them back down a vicious cycle.

    I feel quite similar.  If I make consistent right choices daily (go to yoga instead of engaging in something else, etc) I am able to stay balanced. Yet, life isn’t so straightforward.  So now if I am in a scenario where all of this is tested, it is fine, and I may not always choose the option that keeps me centered (such as speak less, listen more – perhaps I go back to my old ways of talking before thinking) – and that is fine too – to a point.  And that is it, after a certain point you become off balance (whether it is mentally or weight management or whatever it is) and then you feel you have to re-ground and re-start so to speak.

    This can feel exhausting, to feel that a fine balance must be maintained to feel healthy, sane, good in your own skin.

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by  Cali Chica.
    #280733

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Good morning! It is exhausting but it gets less exhausting over time and practice, over a long, long … long time f practice. And it takes less time and less effort when we relax into the process, relax every time we feel distressed, calm that anxiety again and again on an ongoing basis.

    Less time, less effort, less exertion if we relax into it. The person at the buffet, wanting to eat all those things that look so good, if she is anxious, heart beating, excited and scared of losing control, she is in trouble. But if she managed to relax as she stands there, to breathe slower, calm herself, she will do oh, so much better.

    You referred to it many times as baseline anxiety, that is the term you used, isn’t it? That baseline anxiety can be calmed repeatedly throughout the day, a difficult task but it can be done.

    anita

    #280747

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    Good morning to you too!

    Less time, less effort, less exertion if we relax into it

    To me this also sounds like, accepting the situation as is – seeing what is in front of you with clarity.  The person at the buffet looks around and sees all the entrees clearly, and looks inward at her desires and cravings clearly – she KNOWS where she stands

    Yes, I think I have used the term baseline anxiety, and recently I think of it more like this: anxiety that is there in the background, but sometimes it comes to the forefront, and sometimes it stays in the back.

    This can be due to a variety of factors including, hormones, diet, weather, they way I slept, or simply just because.  I am doing a better job about not always trying to pinpoint – WHY.

    I find myself when I am having a particularly bad day, looking back at what did I DO – oh I shouldn’t have had that second glass of wine. Oh I shouldn’t have stayed up to watch that TV show, I shouldn’t have answered that text so late – I shouldn’t have this or that.

    All of it is true – good habits, keeping tabs on what works and doesn’t work (clearly more sleep, and relaxation are the way to go).  BUT, constantly keeping tabs on this does take away on living in the now, it is negative self talk focused on what I did wrong, yesterday, or a few hours ago – but I can not undo it.  So what can I do now? I find that this critical nature did work over the last year for big movements, cutting people out, making large changes – but perhaps I can be a little less critical of myself now – now that I am on the path I can teeter totter some..

    I have my own barometer for what works and doesn’t.  Perhaps it is important to listen to it, without analyzing why I became imbalanced, accept it, and get back on track

    #280749

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I wanted to let you know – it is now 1 year since I have spoken to my parents.

    one year.

    wow – one year.

    so long, but so short.

    See, it’s been a year of tremendous change, and healing (the beginning of healing) so the fact that it is a year or 9 months or 5 years does not matter.  But – it is worth mentioning. It is worth reflecting.

    Anita, over one year ago, we sat (in our respective coasts) and talked – and talked – and talked about a solution.  You knew the solution almost the moment you “met” me.  I was not ready to accept it.  But situation after situation came and went, and the solution remained the same – cut these people out of your life.  It is the only chance at a normal life.

    And you were right of course, and you are right of course.  Were and are…

    So a year,

    A year is interesting, it is the time a newborn takes to learn to walk usually

    It is a time measure of education, going from one grade to the next, or from one chapter to the next, say high school to college

    It is a time people, like to use in arbitrary ways, “oh we will wait a year to decide, or oh give it a year…”

    A year.

    Feels like something, feels like nothing.

    I will say Anita, I know this is just the beginning of the healing journey.  There were times a few months ago that I felt I had taken many steps on that path, climbed up a good amount, significant progress.  Perhaps, but recently I know, this is the very beginning of a long and windy path.  The goal is not to measure how long the path is, but just do your best to remain on it, every single day.

    #280763

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    Congratulations, one year! In appreciation of this one year I went back in your thread to your post Feb 17, 2018 (you didn’t post Feb 18 or 19), you wrote then about the trip to Peru, you, your sister and your mother:

    “we were on a trip to Peru… We are having a great time exploring… she has a breakdown. She hears everyone around us warning us about altitude sickness- and gets freaked out… She starts crying, calling my father, unable to be consolable. When I put my foot down and say we need to think of this practically- she calls my father and states: ‘my daughter is harassing me, tell me what to do.’ We go get lunch to try to calm her down… right then and there at the restaurant she has a histrionic episode.

    She says she feels like gagging.. I try to reason with her again… she defends herself.. how dare you (I) put her down when she is already weak (threatening that I am kicking the dog when he is down). Long story short, we ended up cutting the trip short and returning back to NY the next day…. Her response to us on our way back was… ‘make sure when you go back you don’t tell anyone this happened… tell them great… don’t talk to your friends for the week.. My enabling father picks us up at the airport, and states how we should be supportive that my mother was so upset… Like a maniac on the car ride home my mother begins to talk about how it’s going to be NEXT time we go to PERU… No sense of her absurdity, no shame- just pure entitlement…. and any time after that Peru was ever brought up, it is like she doesn’t even remember what happened- just acts like it was a great trip…

    Many times during terrible fights, I have said to her, mom I think you need to get treatment… how  it would be beneficial if she maybe saw a therapist… She would say: well you think I’m crazy? seems like the depressed one around here is you! I see you don’t sleep well, and you’re always stressed… Maybe  you’re the one who has depression. Look at me, I am so  strong… In fact, I am the strongest person I know, to rise up from all that I did. You wouldn’t even stand a chance… you’re the one who needs psychiatric help”-

    I can’t quote anymore, it makes me feel sick to  quote so far. My goodness!

    A couple of thoughts:

    1. when you were present in her life, she wasn’t happy: your presence didn’t make her happy. As a matter of fact she expressed displeasure having you around, so it must be better for her now.

    2. When you tried to help her before the restaurant, at the restaurant and at  other times,  she viciously attacked you, trying to crush her own daughter!

    Again, congratulations!

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 2 months ago by  anita.
    #280769

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    THANK YOU for taking the time to look back and post this, how kind, thoughtful, caring and dedicated you are to the progress of others.  You truly are a gem – and the best part about this is that you know your ability/progress/wisdom but remain humble.  Thank you for being you.

    To your thoughts:

    1) No, she was not happy when I was in her life.  I understood a delusion: having me in her life made her MORE happy, so of course I must remain.  Truth: she is unhappy if I am in it or not, she is unhappy whether this or that, she is unhappy PERIOD.

    2) Yes, so much vicious attacking, always under the premise of “oh your poor mother” look how much she’s been through how could you be so cruel and mean.  Cradle her like a baby or puppy and caress her back to good happiness (yeah right!)

    #280781

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    You are welcome and thank you for your kind words!

    I had to take a short break from the computer after my last post to you because of the similarities between your mother and mine, on the two points I brought up, one and two. I felt distressed over my own mother’s viciously attacking me. Then I remembered what I wrote to  you, about calming oneself repeatedly, again and again and did just that. And so, I was able to return to the computer soon enough.

    anita

    #280783

    Cali Chica
    Participant

    Dear Anita,

    I apologize that you felt distressed – at the similarities.

    I am impressed at your ability to cope by taking your own advice.

    Also know this, your insight from your own mother helped change someone else’s life – mine.

    Take that in…

    #280787

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Cali Chica:

    No grounds for an apology, none at all. I am no stranger to distress and you have no responsibility for my distress. I appreciate your concern nonetheless and will be taking it in, thank you.

    anita

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