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Cali Chica.
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March 11, 2019 at 8:12 am #284063
Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
How is your leg? I hope by this time it is almost entirely healed, however pain in tendons and ligaments can linger over months -small twinges when you move your leg a certain way, are you experiencing this?
I wanted to comment on the following:
we answer her and defend ourselves against her and try to protect and assert ourselves against her.
This appears to me that a lot of “being in my head” is in fact having a conversation with my mother, the devil on the left shoulder, trying to appease her or shoo her away. Trying to reason with her and say nope, your views are no longer my priority, nor are they congruent with reality. Saying, intuitively what you are saying doesn’t appear right to me, and I am working on not getting bogged down by you.
In fact I notice this even when I am not in my “own head.” There are certain individuals I am around, who love to hear their ownselves speak. Going on and on about their own lives, how stressed they are, how great this is, blah blah, on and on. No awareness how they come off to others. NYC is full of these types, the world is full of these types. They can be compelling, luring us into conversations we don’t have interest in, commenting on topics we are not interested in. Stroking their ego, or entertaining them.
I notice that just like the mother voice, it is natural when someone is “speaking” to me – that I have to be alert and give them my FULL UNDIVIDED ATTENTION. But this is false, Anita.
It is my CHOICE if I want to give them my attention in this way, it is not a must. It is not my role or duty. Often protecting my spirit involves not engaging. Actually, it usually does. Preserve my energy, not engage constantly. My full undivided attention can be reserved to myself.
March 11, 2019 at 8:14 am #284065
AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
Good noticing, good work!
anita
March 12, 2019 at 4:36 am #284231Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Good morning, how is your leg? I posted yesterday, twice, and perhaps the last one did not go through – and I wanted to add to that today.
The remedy for draining small talk is the following – for me – it is not a necessity to engage in conversation that is unnecessary or draining. It is not my role to entertain others or be their sounding board – always. No, there’s a therapist for that…
March 12, 2019 at 8:36 am #284265AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I didn’t see your second post of yesterday, double posting. How interesting, you wrote: “pain in tendons and ligaments can linger over months- small twinges when you move your leg a certain way”- I was wondering about it only yesterday, not understanding why I experience those little pains still, over two months following the injury, thinking I may be slower to heal than other people- thank you for your professional (a medical doctor) input, makes me feel better reading it. I am no longer limping and the only problem, not a significant one, is the little pains and discomforts when my foot moves this way or that way, or sometimes after a long walk.
Regarding the rest of your post and the recent one: when we are young children, mentally we are not separated from our mother, so she is In, naturally. When a mother is abusive, and the I-part of ourselves is shamed and is focused on the mother, the mother stays In. We do not separate the I from the Mother, mentally. What happens next is we spend a lifetime in a mental battle: the I part and the Mother part in our brain are battling. The I-part is fighting for independence, fighting to kick the Mother part out. This is what “being in my head” is about.
Well, not necessarily a lifetime.
anita
March 12, 2019 at 8:41 am #284269Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
No problem, always glad to offer my professional opinion, to the best of my ability from afar of course.
Thank you for explaining the next part in such great detail. I am going to allow it to sink and savor, and return to comment 🙂
The I-part is fighting for independence, fighting to kick the Mother part out.
March 12, 2019 at 8:56 am #284273AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
You are welcome. Let it sink and savor. By the way, I just remembered that I had a movie in mind to recommend that you watch, maybe watch again, New York Stories, a Woody Allen movie from 1989. One story is about NY lawyer, Sheldon Mills who attends psychotherapy, talking a lot about his mother, the Mother in his brain- fascinating, from what I remember when I watched it last decades ago, relevant to our most recent topic and to New York City!
anita
March 13, 2019 at 10:42 am #284425Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I must watch this movie! i can’t wait. Perhaps with a nice glass of red wine, taking notes about my favorite parts – so I can share with you. Sort of like a book club – instead an e-movie club!
I read this earlier: Don’t be distracted by the headlines. There is always some buzz going on that tries to pull your attention away from the serious business of building your life.
Nothing profound – but so true. Not necessarily the headlines in the news – but just in life. People talking about themselves, their problems, their achievements. People talking about others. Others.
It all can distract us from the serious business of building your life!
March 13, 2019 at 10:47 am #284429Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Also I would like to celebrate Cali Chica NC/NA today – one month!.
According to our conversations, I feel that this is a one month celebration of not acting aggressively towards my husband, thinking before I speak, seeing him as my partner, whom I love and trust – and don’t attack. No Attack. that is NA.
Attacks come in many forms, subtle aggressions, sometimes attacks come from not doing – but not doing. Not doing what matters, appreciating, loving, and taking efforts to remain calm.
March 13, 2019 at 12:07 pm #284445AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I was well aware of the date, waited for you to mention it, not knowing if you made it with the NA resolution, but you did! So glad you made it, congratulations!
-Regarding “Not doing what matters, appreciating, loving..”- remember the do-no-harm guideline, especially when you are distressed, it is then good enough to simply do no harm.
Regarding the movie, it includes a few stories, I remember none and don’t know if I liked any of the story except the one I mentioned, in which Woody Allen plays a part.
anita
March 13, 2019 at 12:09 pm #284449Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
“then good enough to simply do no harm”
Excellent advice. Do no harm, above all.
Above doing, helping, saying, talking, etc etc. Just do no harm – which often mean doing nothing at all!
March 13, 2019 at 12:20 pm #284461AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
“nothing at all” is good enough. Watch the movie with a glass of wine, doing nothing but watching, with your husband I hope, can’t wait to hear your impression of the mother-in-the-sky scene!
Only the mother in the movie is humorous somewhat, after all it is comedy and fiction, unlike our mother stories which is tragedy and non fiction.
anita
March 18, 2019 at 6:31 am #285079Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
Happy Monday. I thought of you and your leg. The concept of healing, that even after the “big heal” pain lingers. It reminds us that we are not “back to baseline” just yet. It urges to be attentive and have patience. There is something to be said of the human body reminding the mind, what it needs. Taking that “extra step” so to speak to be careful.
Yet, sometimes when we are too careful, it does not feel natural. It is frustrating, which can in fact lead to more error! The fine balance is key – and that is what we search for, or attempt to attain – time and again in life.
I thought about how this also applies to the path, the healing path.
Sometimes we have large doses of healing. This can be tangible objectively, someone finally cutting a toxic person out of their life. Someone finally making the decision to date again after heart ache. Making a new choice, or move, etc. Yet, it is the “small healing” that takes much longer, and can hold us back. It’s those small twinges of pain, those reminders that we aren’t “there just yet” that keep us humble.
March 18, 2019 at 12:23 pm #285149AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
I am more humble about the healing path than I was when I first started to communicate with you. It is slower than I thought it was, but not only that, I have a better understanding of the following: there is no healing of formed neuropathways, there is no undoing of pathways that were formed in those early years, pathways cemented with strong emotion.
Healing is about adding pathways to our brain aka learning, but not the dry, academic kind of learning, but new emotional experiences. For example: it is a wonderful thing that you practice do-no-harm to your husband, but unless you experience a new sense of deep appreciation of him, a deeper connection with him (new pathways), you will still be distracted and wanting to respond to people-of-no-consequence in your life, instead of attending to him (old pathways).
Do I make sense to you?
anita
March 19, 2019 at 8:17 am #285275Cali ChicaParticipantDear Anita,
I do understand what you mean, that healing is about adding pathways and that there is no undoing of the well formed former pathways. This makes sense. I do want to add that although those old pathways will not ‘unform” they will slowly become less habitual.
For example, when we walk or do certain activities, we tend to always do it with the same pattern. Right dominant people will tend to start their stride with their right foot. We often are stronger on that dominant side when it comes to exercise – weights yoga etc.
I have noticed in my own practice my right side is stronger and more stable. Of course, I have – “favored” this side, and also naturally inclined to use this side as it is my innate way. So not only do I “favor” it, by using it more I enhance it and make it stronger.
I am not going to “undo” my dominant side. But with practice – in this scenario – strengthening my left side more, my body will not just favor the right side for stability, it will begin to realize both are nearly equal.
I think neuropathways are similar. We will not undo the former pathways, the “innate” way. But my building new memories, our natural pattern will not continue to go to the old. It will also learn to travel down the new pathways, with practice and repetition.
March 19, 2019 at 9:36 am #285283AnonymousGuestDear Cali Chica:
“although those old pathways will not ‘unform’ they will slowly become less habitual.. with practice and repetition”-
I met a woman who told me that as a child she grew up in a farm and new no table manners, ate with her hands, she said. When I met her, she was in her thirties or early forties and lived in a fancy part of Southern California, owned a business. I watched her eat: she ate with perfect precision, cutting her food into small equal pieces with fork and knife held perfectly.
Problem is she looked like a robot eating, perfectly measured moves, not look at ease. Was she anxious as she ate, as she made sure her manners are perfect? Maybe. My point is, it takes way more time to be at ease with a new, learned behavior than it is to perform that new behavior.
anita
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