Dear Anita,

come to think of it, i notice how when I watch tv – i see if the actress is not that good, sometimes i even think maybe i should be on it instead, because i am smarter and better.  when i watch tv with my mom, indian shows -she says how someone like me would be a better actress on it, but in order to be, you have to go to India and have a lot of connections.

Dear Anita,

It feels bad! It feels unfair.  There is no reason others should have luck. The people who do less, and have less good, have more luck!

it makes me annoyed, but then sometimes, my dad says no matter what, we have to work hard, because we have to work hard to our potential and talent.  so i do work hard, and I make sure to always.

No way! This is not something that can be caught. Some people have luck and some people don’t. That’s just how it is.

Dear Anita,

my mom says we are not jealous of other people we are happy for them – but they aren’t happy for other people, because they are bad

sometimes I get annoyed because why do those people have good luck and get to be lucky and we don’t. Maybe just the way we are born. What a shame. Sometimes I get sad about it too

Dear Anita,

great question. I wasn’t jealous. As I don’t actually want the outcome they have. It isn’t something spectacular to me – but I am happy for them as it is their choice.  but here’s the thing, I am so used to sensationalizing the good outcomes of others – and making it more than it truly is. Like when my mother would go on and on about how some lucky kid will end up on TV zone day and not me.

It is a habit. And it happens even when I don’t truly want what that person has. If that makes sense.

Dear Anita,

his habit you mentioned, your mother going “on and on about how some lucky kid will end up on TV zone day and not me”- when you  have the time, will you type away what she said, not verbatim if you don’t remember word by word, of course, but let your fingers type what she said. And then, when you are done, will you type what you said to that couple going to Florida?

Part one:

my mother would say, oh look at our neighbor she’s pretty. she’s white and her mom brings her to auditions. you know that? every saturday she goes to nyc for auditions, how amazing, she’s going to be on tv one day.

it is hard for me to explain it with words, but I want to explain it by creating the ambience/painting the picture:

my mother is sitting there with me, I am wide eyes and intensely listening.  she is painting this picture, this caucasian neighbor, young girl my age, sitting at home in the lap of privilege – so lucky she is, getting whisked away to nyc auditions, how glamorous how lucky.  making it on tv one day – how simple and easy! it just works for her doesn’t it! look at that

and conversely me, sitting at home in despair, looking out the window – hoping and dreaming and wishing – oh if only! if only i could be so lucky like my neighbor. but alas, I can not, I do not have this luck.  it is not my fate.

part 2:

i said wow, that’s amazing you got these great jobs! i’m so happy for you -florida will be great, it is such a better place to practice medicine, and you will be so relaxed.

now, more importantly to my husband: wow look how lucky they are. nyc medicine sucks! the treatment of doctors here.  florida theyre going to have such a better life.  how good for them!!