Persistent tenacious amazing. Thank you. That sure means a lot- especially from you.

But I do worry Anita, worry that I will squander this new found trust. It is exactly right. It is a wounded and traumatized individual inching towards me with trust. Trying it out, building the strength to trust me again

yet I do not know/think if I am grounded enough just yet to harbor and protect this delicate and fragile trust. I do not know if I will respect it and cultivate it. I fear I will not and I will just throw and spill it in a frenzy. Back to my mental chatter and rush of life. I do sense I will do that…i don’t just worry / I feel I will.

Dear Anita,

I will think of it like this:

What could be more important than move and respect for my husband?

For my marriage?

For the person who led me and guided me up the mountain of this journey?

What could be more important?

Life will throw me many distractions, but it is up to ME to carve out time and focus, compartmentalize time away from work and others for him – and only him..

Dear Anita,

Explain to me, if you don’t mind, how the neglect from the parent, the person who didn’t love them before – is a powerful motivator.

Motivating millions of adult children to make their aging parents love them while neglecting and mistreating their spouses and their own children

Dear Anita,

I loved her so much that I hated everyone. I wouldn’t love anyone because they all hurt her. I  was loyal to her that way. I went as far as mistreating people, I wronged others so to make it right for her. ‘

Anita – I am responding so quicly without waiting for a response – but this is what I visualize.

A young Cali Chica, going out with a bat, batting out the bad guys, catching them on their legs, watching them fall down.  “That’s right – that’s what you get for being mean to my mom.”

And then an older one, calling my friend and saying – “well if you are jealous of me then we can’t be friends…” feeling triumphant – screw her!!! but also torn and unsettled at the same time

And then the adult Cali Chica, making fun of my mother in law with my mother, laughing in unison – a unity! relating  Yes mom, I’m with you – don’t worry – I don’t like her!

When it comes to my husband this visual is a little less clear — maybe it goes something like this, “I know you aren’t really that great after all, I mean after all who is! Let me figure out the real you! Let me push you and push you and push you until you crack! See look you cracked! LOOK look at you!! look how bad you are! See I told you so!!!”

meanwhile pushing this person over the edge, dangling on a cliff, of course he – or anyone, will show frustration and a “different side”

Dear Anita,

I think so too. The deep rooted loyalty I have to my mother makes it “impossible” to love someone else. Others may love their parents but also soon grow to love a spouse with equal or more respect and loyalty.

Yet in my world the mother voice was omnipresent. I was out there as warrior queen fighting battles to right all the wrong that was done to my mother (similar to you) – this also includes mistreating others. It includes mistreating others who have never harmed me, and have only loved me  (that part I am wrapping my head around)

Dear Anita,

Good Morning. Once again, after reading your last post about the lion and the lamb – the same visual came to mind. young CC out there with a bat and a roar – ROAR you’re not gonna bring us down! my mom will win! I’ll show you! Who do you think you are.

Yes, my loyalty over-arches any of my “innate” behaviors. In fact – what is my innate way?

I am only developing it now, right? The mother voice became my voice, and the mother need became my “need”

So I, warrior Cali Chica (WCC) went out into the world to fight the battle my mother could not.

Go she said: Go young daughter and make it right for me, go fight! go make it right for your poor momma – i trained you well, go out there, you are young and bright! go got em! make me proud

so like a young cub, I would run back and say – look mom! look who I attacked today, I got em! I put that person down! set her in her place.  arent you proud.  look the truth will prevail!

WCC is a role I took – to achieve – if only fleeting – that feeling of unity. To seek this love of my mother (that doesn’t exist). I see this is innate. I understand that more daily.

>To go back to the post prior, the concept that those who lacked this love from their mother (like you and I) will often go and mistreat others.

Thank you for putting your personal example, of going out there to “make the wrong right for your mother.”

This is based on loyalty. And yes my loyalty still exists.

Of course it does, as you say there is nothing as strong as the love a child has for its mother. I observe and I see many examples of this around me. Adults, fully functional, living their adult life with “bias” “loyalty” or “predilection” based on how they were raised. Of course. This is the evolvement of a human, taking that what you were taught and incorporating your own flavor.

Trouble is this loyalty of mine – I only see superficially. I see it as appeasing my mother and being a good daughter in the way my mom wanted. I don’t see that this loyalty also includes abusive behavior. I felt that my abusive behavior was my projecting my own distress. But I see now that it is more than that. It is that plus the idea that others have done my mother wrong. Everyone has. So I can’t take someone’s kindness and niceness and appreciate it.  my drive to fight as WCC takes precedence. I am unable to love another person because that space – the space that would exist. Is filled with the warrior drive. Seeking for that lost love.

• This reply was modified 5 years ago by Cali Chica.