Dear Anita,

When you say take her in your arms and calm her down and tell her it is going to be OK. this makes perfect sense to me, but it feels so foreign I have no idea how to do this. Where to begin. How to start. But I will brainstorm some ways to begin…

Dear Anita,

I hope you had a good long weekend.  I took my time to reply to you.  For many reasons, that I would like to outline, for you and myself – for myself because it taught me the idea of letting a concept (that may not be easy to grasp or innate) sink in.  To play with the concept in the morning and night, on this day and that day. With people around, and in solitude.  What comes up? It takes time for this, often more than a few days of course.

I thought about the exercise we have been doing, and how it has been profound.  How it has created a shift in my thinking from: “what is wrong right now always” to “what based on my history and childhood makes me interpret right now as wrong.”

It isn’t perfect, but the fact that this change even happened at ALL – is profound – to me.

I talk to you a lot about present.  This person and that. This thought and that.  Good days and bad days.  Some times of the month.  Of course I do – we all do.  We live now, so of course we talk about now.  We hurt now, so of course we talk about now.  We go to the doctor because our stomach hurts now, not because what hurt 5 years ago!

But mental health is funny, our brains are funny.  What is occurring now can often trick us – can convince us that now is everything – an alarm to say – look at this right now it is everything!!!

But our exercise and recent talks has taught me more, and made me slightly wiser.  Of course because of the wisdom imparted by you.  I notice how in our last conversation, last week, I spoke to you about my husband and what he stated, I spoke to you about how I view friendships — and the last piece of our conversation was about embracing that young Cali Chica.  Loving her, letting her know all will be okay.

It all goes back to her, the young Cali chica. the child.  The child under the mother.

The child.

I thought about her a lot this weekend. I thought about her when my friends came over with their own child, a 5 month old infant.  I thought about her when I watched my friend with this child.  I thought about her when I enjoyed myself at a picnic as my friend fussed over this child.  I thought about her when I made sure my friends were relaxed at dinner although with a small child.  I thought about her when they left, and I cleaned the apartment the next day.  I thought about her when I went to the fridge for a snack, and sat in peace.

I thought about her yesterday, at a hair salon – of all places.  It was about to close, and I was one of the last clients there.  Getting a last minute slot for a haircut before the summer.  I sat for a moment while the hairdresser went to grab something. Seemingly alone in a huge NYC salon, the different smells, chemicals, some staff on the other side scurrying around trying to clean up before close.  Bright lights, so many different fixtures.

I am closing my eyes while I write the next part, without editing:

I thought aoubt how I am small.  No I am not just small in stature and petite.  I am small. Small and sweet and kind.  I am as mall child.  I do not feel bad about being a small child. Somehow I know I am a small child.  It is an understanding, children know they are children. I don’t wish to be big like my mommy. No I know I am smll and I am in a way okay with it.

But Anita.

The world did not allow me to remain small.  Even though I am small.  my mother forced me to be big.  So even when innately I am small and perfectly okay with being small, I had to reach out my arms and come out ofthat cozy shell and jump and be big..  Big and jump. Jump Jump Jump.  Like a small turtle coming out of its warm cozy shell. Out in the world okay I am here.  So am I big all of a sudden? I don’t know.  Be big she said.  It is foolish to be small!!! Be big! you are too good to be small.  Only foolish people are small.  Only people without your amazing qualities are small! but you!! You can be big, so you should be big..  You mustnt be small. Being small is quitting.

But Anita…I am not big…I am small.

For I was okay being small – I was not trying to be big at all.

I just perhaps want to be small.

Dear Anita,

Yes it came to me, in that hair salon chair.  Sitting still in psuedo-quiet.  Feeling small in this big salon, in this big place, in a foreign place. Feeling small, not too significant in this big world – nope not at all -but not feeling bad about this, no feeling okay with it, sitting with it – literally.

Sitting with it – feeling small, a small girl dangling her legs in a big chair – perhaps looking for a lollipop – perhaps just sitting.  Not rushing to go anywhere, not feeling the need to really go anywhere. Dare I say feeling “safe”

Feeling fine.  Anita, feeling fine.

Dear Anita,

shoulders are small and soft.

no weight on the shoulders, nothing pushing down I’ll say- —  feeling soft and small – and light. not heavy.

not feeling bad, feeling bad, just having fun. playing outside and having fun.

its fun to play outside. i have a big backyard, so much grass, one part is like a hill so i roll down. i love that smell of the fresh grass, and sometimes it is kind of wet and cold.  i also have a little playground and that is fun, i love going on the swing – swinging so high up and down!

sometimes when my friend comes over we play outside on the driveway, we play chalk – we draw stuff on the driveway with chalk and it isfun – one time i got an extra nice chalk, glitter colors! that was even more fun.  my sister does chalk sometimes too.

i love to play outside.

my mom says it is good to play outside.