Hello, I have a question and I need help…

[This is long and has some background, if you want to get to the issue go to paragraph 2, but the first one has some really good insight]

So I met my current boyfriend about 8 months ago and for the first 6 months it was amazing! We were long distance but made it through. HE came up to visit me (I live 11 hours away) twice in that time and I went down to him twice. I come from a very old fashioned culture (I’m Greek and Jewish) and he is also Greek. My mom at the beginning of the relationship was so excited that I found a Greek man who came from a well off family and everything was going amazing. We decided as our 6 month treat I would go and stay with him for 2 weeks in his home city. Naturally my parents where against this since I am only 20 and my boyfriend is 25. They where concerned we are intimate and even went as far as to interrogate and shame me if I am intimate with my boyfriend. Regardless, he came to pick me up from my home and my parents interrogated him for 3 hours asking him about his family, and intentions with me, and his personal life, and his sex life and he sat through all of it and was patient. Inevitably my parents let me go to NY with him.

Here’s where the problem arises. Once we got to NY everything was great. We where so excited to be with each other. But unfortunately my boyfriends boss, who had been sexually harassing him for months now became very aggressive towards him. Calling him and threatening him, stalking my social media, and continuing inappropriate behavior. My boyfriend through all this kept asking and making sure if I was okay, saying things like, “Maybe you should go back home… I don’t know how this is going to escalate” or “Are you sure your fine?”. And I kept assuring him I’m fine, and everything is okay, because I wanted to be a rock for him. I have a history of SEVERE anxiety. My doctors are shocked I don’t have a chronic substance abuse problem or have been hospitalize for it. I also suffer with Autism Spectrum Disorder and Depression brought on by anxiety. I also have PTSD from being a victim of Sexual Assault and Abuse. By boyfriend is aware of all these things which is why he was suggested for me to go home because he was concerned but I kept assuring him I was fine. Finally things escalated to the point where my boyfriend was concerned about home security and I suggested… I SUGGESTED AND ENCOURAGED HIM to buy a gun for home safety. Him and I wanted to go to a shooting range for fun anyways while I was in NYC (we both come from Military families so its a recreation for us).

So one of the nights he had to go to work and report his boss to HR. I was very stressed because I had to be home alone for 6 hours in addition to being in a city with a high crime rate that I was unfamiliar with. I contacted my parents and chatted with them but did not tell them about the security issues because I did not want to be forced to go home. I was BEYOND stressed the entire afternoon. I didn’t eat, I didn’t drink, no cigarettes, no caffeine, I was on high alert. After I got the text from my boyfriend everything was okay and I was safe I finally relaxed and started cooking dinner for us. Since I finally felt like I could unwind I had a beer. I am not a drinker, in fact I almost never drink at all. It always makes me sleepy and I don’t like the taste… except beer. My boyfriend who is over 21 has alcohol in his house but him and I never drink together because I don’t drink often and for religious reasons. But I decided to have a beer. And then I had another. And I eventually lost track of what I was drinking. From what I remember I had drinker 5- 16oz PBR’s and had taken 5 shots for hard liquor. I’m an inexperienced drinker and have not had a lot of experience with it.

Fast forward my boyfriend comes home and finds me passed out. I was black out drunk, but he didn’t know that. He called 911 and then immediately called my parents since he didn’t know what was wrong with me or my medical history. All in all the hospital concluded I was heavily intoxicated  with no other complications. Immediately my first question was, “Did you call my parents?!” and his response was, “Of Course…” and I was devastated. Sobbing and had a panic attack because I did not want to confront my mother. My parents flew into NY and picked me up at the hospital. My boyfriend the entire time was exhausted but tried to be kind. Adamantly he was irritable but still tried to be kind and hospitable. My family and I stayed in a hotel and decided (because they where worried about my mental state) to let Nick and I go on one more date while I was in NY and we went to a museum. They invited him to breakfast and he was 30 minutes late due to a being exhausted after only having 5 hours of sleep after being awake for 72 hours strait. My mom was furious at this point but still tolerated him.

Finally we left NY and my boyfriend quit his job and moved back home to finish college. My mother now refuses to let him come to the home. Refuses to see him. Thinks HE’S the reason I ended up in the hospital (for simple intoxication). And refuses to even allow him to come to the home and pick me up so we can spend a day together. She has nothing but nasty things to say about him and his family and quote-on-quote, “Doesn’t give a shit she’s affecting me and making me ill. I care about MY feelings and he is hurting me. IF your hurt because of me leave. I don’t care what you do. But he’s not welcome here and I will not speak to him. Until he has a ring on your finger.” My dad thinks he’s a nice guy but my mom has so such dominating “I don’t give a shit” attitude control, everyone can leave me alone attitude that no one can have anything to say. She always complains about her anxiety but doesn’t even consider how she effects other. I’ve been to 2 psychologists, a psychiatrist and my religious leader (not just about this but her treatment of me in general in the past) and all of them had try to explain to her that what she is doing is wrong and she is being inconsiderate and abusive to me and her attitude is, ‘I don’t care about what they have to say I’m worrying about me from now on and MY health’. And continues this behavior. And I just don’t know what to do.

I love my boyfriend so much, him and I both want to get married. We actually planned on eloping while I was in NY. But I can’t keep dealing with these head games and abuse. And I love my mother. She’s my mommy. She’s been the most important person in my life up to this point. But I don’t know what to do. Should I just break up with him and appease her. Should I keep him and her separate and try and manage that lifestyle. I don’t know what to do. She bad mouths him to everyone in my family and I just don’t know how to handle this and I don’t want to destroy my relationship to badly to the point where I destroy my relationship with my dad as well. This all happened over 2 months ago and from the anxiety I have lost about 12lbs in weight, I have crying spells, insomnia, vomiting, migraines, dizziness for extended periods of time (like the ground is shaking and everything is blurry and I can’t make it stop). I’ve expressed how her behavior has effected me and her reaction is, “Sorry, but there’s nothing I can do. I can’t change the way I FEEL.” I just don’t know what to do.

My boyfriend and his family have been nothing but loving and supportive even to the point where his mother, father and grand parents have invited me to family events, offering to have lunches with me, inviting me to stay at their vacation home and go on trips with them. His grandfather stopped in my town on his way back from a business trip and took me to lunch and introduced me to some Greeks he knew in my area (since my mom has isolated herself and only talks to her sister, mother, and my godparents). His uncle is an actor and offered broadway tickets to my boyfriend and to stay at his condo in Manhattan for us to have a weekend get away. They feel very badly for me and are trying to be supportive to him and I. My Godparents have even reached out and offered him a home away from home with them if he comes up to visit me. And maybe I’m being immature and selfish but she is my mother and I just don’t know what to do. Should I break up with him and appease her and stop her from treating me this way or though it out and r and keep dating him. I’ve never been in a relationship before and I just don’t know what to do…

Thank you to anyone who reads this

God Bless