Should I fight for my ex?

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This topic has 23 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 5 years, 9 months ago by Tony.

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March 17, 2019 at 7:17 am #284941

Veronica
Participant

Hello,

i need some input. Mainly because I’m trying to shake this guilty feeling. I was with my ex boyfriend for 2 years. It was a rollercoaster. However, I still love him. The night we broke up we got into a fight and his mom actually got involved. He was speaking so disrespectfully and sarcastic, I got so mad and said that he treats me like shit and he got mad and drove off and told his mom to tell me that it’s over. Apparently, he broke up with me cause I said that in front of his mom and in his eyes he’s never treated me that way. To give him the benefit of the doubt, he was very sweet. I’m trying to make sense out of how can someone be so sweet, caring, talk about planning a future with me, travel with me but then turn around and be cold, disrspeful, and ignore me. I don’t get it. A few days ago I texted him saying sorry cause I was speaking to him rudely too and he said he still loves me and that he meant forever. I said love you back and he hasn’t responded. I feel stupid for even being sad about this but I don’t know what to do. I have this feeling to fight for him but maybe cause that’s what I’ve always done .

March 17, 2019 at 7:52 am #284947

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Veronica:

I need to understand better, therefore I ask:

1. “The night we broke up we got into a fight.. He was speaking so disrespectfully and sarcastic”- what did he say to you that was disrespectful and sarcastic?

2. “I texted him saying sorry cause I was speaking to him rudely too”- what did you say to him that was rude?

3. The fight on the night of the break up, what was it about, who started it (please describe it simply and clearly)?

anita

March 17, 2019 at 10:25 am #284995

Phil
Participant

It was a rollercoaster.

Don’t – ever – go – back – Don’t – ever – go – back – Don’t – ever – go – back !

This will be how you two work together, always. A rollercoaster is not a good relationship (even if it is quite common). A relationship must be based on stability, trust and mutual care.

You can love him, like him, respect him, wishing him happiness, etc. pp. AND never ever reboot that relationship!

Thank him for the lessons learned and move on.

March 17, 2019 at 11:22 am #285001

Veronica
Participant

Disrespectful as in mocking me and he said he doesn’t care. The fight started because I saw something on his social media that lead me to believe he was talking to his ex in the beginning of our relationship and lied to me about it. About a year ago he cheated on me and since then I’ve been pretty paranoid. i was rude because I told him that he was becoming the person he said he wasn’t. Ignoring me, yelling at me, manipulating. I went to his house to confront him about me thinking that he was talking to his ex and it was a calm conversation until I said that I’m worried because whatever battle he’s fighting within himself, he’s projecting onto me and he can’t just sit around and wait for time to make everything clear for him, he has to put in effort to be the person he wants to. And he said I always think I’m perfect and gets super defensive, and he knows he does cause he always said “ I’m trying to defend myself”. When he gets defensive, he gets rude and then turns around and says he’s just being honest when he said I think I’m perfect. From there it escalated, cause the conversation turned into a conversation about him and I found myself trying to comfort him and I got mad because it always ends up like that. I try and talk about my feelings and the tables turn and then once he’s calm, I can’t bring up my concerns cause then I’m dragging it out and he’ll say something like “why can’t we just be happy”.

March 17, 2019 at 11:42 am #285005

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Veronica:

“I was rude because I told him that he was becoming the person he said he wasn’t”- that is not rude, if you believed what you said and was able and willing to tell him what specific behavior on his part was undesirable to you and to him, then what you said was informative, not rude.

“he said he doesn’t care”- if he said it while you were arguing with him, pressuring him, it is understandable why he was angry and frustrated and said he didn’t care.

“yelling at me”- that was rude, aggressive, yelling is aggressive and does not belong in a relationship that is supposed to be loving. Did you yell at him too, I wonder.

So you started the most recent fight because you recently found out that two years ago (in the beginning of your relationship), he was talking to his ex girlfriend-

– how did you found out recently that two years ago he talked to his ex?

anita

March 17, 2019 at 12:31 pm #285015

Veronica
Participant

In May of 2017 we broke up for the first time and he admitted to me that about a week before, his ex called him to vent to him about some family issues. This was the same ex that he hung out with, with the intent to have sex one day before we went on a date and on that same date he said he loved me. She was his first serious relationship. Honestly, that baffles me because I would never try to hook up with an ex I dated years ago. So on Facebook I saw a message with her asking for his number cause she didn’t have ita month before she called him, so my question to him was if she didn’t have your number, then how did she call you a month later. And I thought back to how I saw her number in his phone a few months before that. Keep in mind I lived in New York and he lived in Florida, so I don’t know if he deleted it or not when I asked him to. And I got mad because apparently he knew what message I was talking about when I brought it up to him. So he made a big deal about me being on social media, and would constantly ask me to delete it and try to convince me that I was the same as everyone else if I had social media. Eventually I gave in and deleted all of it, but come to find out he was still using it and still had his ex on social media which normally I wouldn t make a big deal about but he made a big deal about me having ex’s on mine and assumed I still had feelings for them.

March 17, 2019 at 3:22 pm #285031

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Veronica:

I will be able to read and reply to your recent thread (and anything you may add to it, feel free to do so) when I am back to the computer in about 14 hours from now. I hope other members will reply to you before I am back.

anita

March 18, 2019 at 6:58 am #285085

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Veronica:

First, a summary of what you shared: you had a relationship with a man for two years. In the very beginning of the relationship, one day before you and him had a date, he spent some time with an ex girlfriend, in person or online (I don’t know), “with the intent to have sex”. A month or so later, May 2017, “he admitted to me that about a week before, his ex called him.. the same ex” and the two of you broke up for the first time. You found out about him being in contact with his ex by looking at Facebook, questioning him (“if she didn’t have your number, then how did she call you…”).

The relationship was “a rollercoaster” and the most recent breakup followed a fight in which you told him in front of his mother: “you treat me like sh*&”. Angry that you said it in front of his mother, and it being that “in his eyes he’s never treated me that way”, he drove off and told his mother to tell you that it is over.

My input: reads to me that you viewed him and treated him right from the beginning as a suspect, presumed guilty unless he proves himself innocent of all charges. You even use criminal law language: “To give him the benefit of the doubt, he was very sweet… he admitted…he always said ‘I’m trying to defend myself‘.. the same ex that he hung out with, with the intent to have sex”.

So I figure he got very tired of being questioned and confronted (“I went to his house to confront him”), interrogated and accused.

What do you think?

anita

March 18, 2019 at 7:55 am #285089

Veronica
Participant

In the beginning, I didn’t veiw him as a suspect. I actually looked up to him. I wanted to be more like him cause I thought he was this amazing person who lived his life right. Then he started judging me for things I did and I come to find out later that he did the same thing. So as time went on, I became paranoid and bitter because I couldn’t tell the difference between him being genuine or projecting his insecurities on me. After he cheated I chose to stay and sometimes forgiving him was easy and other times it was really hard. So I do agree and I can see how he probably did get tired of being accused, which I totally understand. There’s moments where I think that this is what I needed because it wasn’t fair to him to be accused all the time and it wasn’t fair to me to be stressed because I couldn’t trust him. I’m just so sad that it didn’t work out. And I still love him and want to be with him but I don’t know if it’s even worth it to try because when I’m calm I start to think about how much I want him to happy and we’re so young. I want him to channel his energy into doing things that he loves and I want to do the same. I just wish we could share it.

March 18, 2019 at 8:10 am #285095

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Veronica:

Can you share more about that cheating: did he get together in-person (not online) with another woman and had a date/ sex with her?

Was it his ex and did it happen during one of your breakups, while you were at the time not in a relationship?

anita

March 18, 2019 at 9:02 am #285103

Veronica
Participant

It happened while we were together. A week after our year anniversary, I spent the night at his house and I got this weird gut feeling to go through his phone and I found messages with him and other girls sending nudes to each other and sexting.

March 18, 2019 at 10:33 am #285119

Mark
Participant

Veronica,

I am curious if you made any decisions or shifted your thinking after reading the input of those of us here at this Forum?

Mark

March 18, 2019 at 11:39 am #285131

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Veronica:

You wrote: “I wanted to be more like him cause I thought he was this amazing person who lived his life right”-

– you value living one’s life right.

I understand you feeling sad that it didn’t work out with him, yet I suggest that you stay faithful to your value of living one’s life right. One way to live one’s life right is to be worthy of trust in an exclusive love relationship. Your ex boyfriend sent nudes photos of himself to other women, received theirs a year into your relationship, a supposedly exclusive relationship . This means he is not trustworthy. He is not living his life right.

My answer to your question “Should I fight for my ex?” is therefore- no. I hope you soon feel peace of mind regarding the ending of this rollercoaster relationship.

anita

March 18, 2019 at 4:21 pm #285197

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Veronica:

One more thing regarding what you (and I) value, to live life right- if a person does something that you can’t and shouldn’t forgive, don’t forgive-

-but don’t keep a person you didn’t forgive in hour life and then proceed to prosecute and persecute the person, treating him/her like a criminal, guilty-until-proven-innocent, questioned and interrogated, pressured to admit this or that, his phone records and social media invaded, confronted, accused him, and so on.

Forgive and don’t mention the wrong doing again, or do not forgive, but do not prosecute and persecute, unless you are a courtroom prosecutor and then you prosecute according to the law and only in the courtroom.

anita

March 18, 2019 at 7:23 pm #285217

Veronica
Participant

I completely agree with you. And I think that’s where my guilt comes from. I would forgive and I want to forgive him but then we would argue again and he would ignore me for a few days and then my mind would go to worst case scenario and become paranoid all over again. I knew I should’ve just forgave him and moved on and I beat myself up for it. I had no idea that it would be so hard. I appreciate your input.
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