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should I tell his girlfriend he cheated on her

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  • #240115
    beth1990
    Participant

    I had an affair with a man. He’s not married but he has a girlfriend.  I knew what I was getting into. It didn’t last long, because he ended it when things got messy: I started to have feelings for him, he never did. He wasn’t very nice to me when it was over.  Turned out he was looking for some fun, that’s all. His girlfriend doesn’t know. She suspects.. at least she did a while ago because she saw text messages, but she doesn’t know for sure. He lied to her that is was over between us, long before he met her. Recently I started to think maybe I should tell her. He told me he cares about her… but he cheated on her. She was really worried and hurt when she discovered those messages. It’s not like I want her to suffer, more like I want HIM to take responsibility for his actions. It’s really not fair that he hurt me, left me, then stayed with her, and she has no idea what he’s been doing. Should I  leave it that way? Should I let them be happy because it’s none of my business? I was involved with him so I think I have the right to decide if I should tell her or not. On the other hand I know it wouldn’t be very kind of me as I’m driven by anger, resentment, jealousy.. and all those emotions. I get the feeling I’m a bad person for doing this because I certainly would be doing this coz I want revenge. And I’m selfish. Am I? What do you think?

    #240119
    Michelle
    Participant

    I disagree with telling her.

    I feel that you are seeking revenge and approaching this from an unhealthy, selfish mindset. Leave this in the past and work on yourself instead. You were both willing participants in terms of having an affair, so making him the sole bad guy, and unnecessarily hurting her in the process, does not sit well with me.

    “It’s really not fair that he hurt me, left me, then stayed with her, and she has no idea what he’s been doing.”

    This is what an affair is. As mentioned, you both willingly participated in it.

    I apologize for being harsh.

    • This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Michelle.
    #240125
    Valora
    Participant

     It’s really not fair that he hurt me, left me, then stayed with her, and she has no idea what he’s been doing.

    I agree with Michelle, especially given the line above. It actually IS fair, because you said yourself you knew what you were getting into. This is what happens when you knowingly get involved with someone who is already with someone else.

    #240153
    beth1990
    Participant

    you’re both right, it’s just an impulse, a bad one.

    #248317
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear beth1990:

    There are contexts where it will be right to tell a girlfriend that her boyfriend cheated on her, for example if  a woman considers marrying a man not knowing that he cheated/ cheats on her repeatedly. It could save her a lot  of misery not marrying him, not bringing  children into a troubled marriage, most important.

    The problem you have is that you have made yourself a questionable source of information for the woman by being the one (claiming) to have had the affair with him. Because if she doesn’t  think it, he will quickly  suggest to her: oh, beth is someone infatuated with me, a troubled soul who will not take a no for an answer, etc.

    Let’s say you had photos of the two of you, he will say: yes, we accidently met there… and she  developed this intense infatuation with me, etc.

    You wrote: “I want HIM to take responsibility for his actions. It’s not fair that he hurt  me, left me, then stayed  with her… Should I let  them be happy…?”

    Take responsibility for your own actions today and  tomorrow, every day. Otherwise, it  will be hypocritical to demand that  others do  what you don’t. Another thing, it is not likely at all that once the affair ended, they will live happily ever after while you suffer alone. Who lives happily ever after anyway? Smiling  people  on Facebook do, on Facebook, because their photos are forever like, the smiles last  forever.  In reality the smiling was there  for a moment and then gone.

    He is not free now to be  happy, your lack of revelation to his girlfriend is not his ticket  to happiness. There  is plenty for him to suffer for still, as it is unfortunately true to us all.

    anita

     

     

    #248345
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi beth1990,

    Revenge will make this mess even bigger and will ultimately make you feel worse. Remove yourself from this situation. Just walk away.

    B

    #248355
    Tahlullah
    Participant

    No.

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