Shut Me Out Without Communication

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This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 1 month ago by MGrant.

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October 26, 2014 at 1:54 pm #66835

LaLaTra
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Hello Tiny Buddha Community!

I’ve been struggling. I met someone in a program I started recently. We hit it off instantaneously and jumped into it intensely, spending every day and almost every night together for a month consecutively. Things were wonderful, and it felt like we were on the same page and really appreciating a powerful soul-to-soul connection. However, after a month, he started acting distant. He told me he was stressed about school and an upcoming exam, so I gave him space that week, and at the end of the week after the exam when he continued to act distant, confronted him to ask what was happening with the relationship. Upon questioning, he accused me of putting him into a corner and pressuring him, and that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship. It was over. He didn’t even give me the opportunity to talk to him in person, and stood me up the couple times I tried to make that happen and was generally very cold and did not treat me kindly or with empathy, which was hard to swallow after the time we had shared.

A couple of weeks later, we finally met to exchange belongings and after acting cold and distant for a while, he broke down and told me he felt really bad about the way he acted, and that his feelings were really strong and too much to manage. We decided to try to be friends. We hung out that day with mutual friends and had a wonderful time, and I was hopeful that we would be friends. But since then he has reverted to being distant and completely shutting me out. We have classes together and are in the same group of students which makes things hard for me because I see him every day, and he acts like we were never close and like he doesn’t know me at all. It makes it even more difficult that he hangs out with our mutual friend, and they exclude me from activities that used to involve the three of us.

I don’t understand how he could just shut me out like that, especially after how much closeness and intensity we shared. I don’t know if he really told me the truth about what happened, or if he wanted to spare my feelings, because I can’t help but feel like if he has shut me out so easily, he must not care– and on the other hand, I don’t feel like it’s my responsibility to figure out how he’s feeling because he clearly is not volunteering to communicate with me in any way. And I feel like I’m being punished somehow, even though I don’t feel that I did anything wrong. I’m struggling to understand the situation, trying to let go of it, and having to deal with it entirely on my own because of the seeming impossibility of real communication between us.

Any advice?
Thank you!

October 27, 2014 at 1:50 pm #66884

jeena
Participant

Count your blessings that he ended now and not later when you were in deeper. Like you said, maybe he doesn’t know how to deal with his emotions for you especially if the relationship was intense and moving too fast. Or maybe he has feelings for someone else and was using you for sex. In either case, do you really want a guy like that? I’m sorry for your pain.

October 28, 2014 at 3:48 pm #66959
Tir
Participant
The hardest lesson to learn in life is letting go. There is no logic to others actions sometimes so in order to cope well in life, we have to just accept what people tell us. He said he doesn’t want you so accept that and move on to someone who does. Don’t settle for binding your emotions in someone who won’t fight for you or even wants you. Find the person who will do anything to be with you. That is who will be a true friend and lover.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Tir.
October 28, 2014 at 5:20 pm #66966

claire
Participant

I agree with Jeena. There is a reason why your relationship with that someone did not pushed through. At this time, love yourself even more. I know there is someone better for you. All is well!

October 29, 2014 at 7:16 am #66982
Vhanon
Participant
Sometimes people, especially young one, do not know what they want or have an hard time putting it in words or may deny to themselves that they want it or simply have unconscious rules that forbids to look for what they want if some conditions are not met.

He may actually be in love you and nourish great feelings for you. However, he’d like to learn how to manage them and make them coherent with the picture he has of himself or the man he would like to be for himself or the others around him. Maybe he thinks that the best way to handle them is to ignore them, and act cold with you so that they may eventually pass. Maybe he does not want to be a slave of passion, or maybe someone or even you said something that change how much he enjoys the relationship. What is his parents or friends told him he looked so lousy when he spent time with you, what if his friends were beating him easily at some competition because he was daydreaming about you, what if you put great expectations on him by mentioning a relationship that could last forever? There are things he may not be willing to discuss, because he is ashamed of them in front of you, they make little sense in front of you, yet they are important in other context. He is at crossroad, he is putting other needs in front of the need to stay with you. One can barely discuss them, they are not real reasons, because you can always find a way to move past them, it is just his decision to not put effort into changing his ways for you.

He mentioned he had an exam and needed space. What if during that week he just could not concentrate on the study and was daydreaming all the time about you? He may have noticed his weakness. He also admitted it somehow by telling you that his feelings were quite strong. What do you do if you cannot do both things at once? You have to choose. Maybe he is secretly angry with you because he sees you as the cause of his “sickness”, a love that makes him feel pain and does not allow him to do anything else. You did nothing wrong of course, such “fatalities” just happens, and he knows that, that’s why he act cold and he is not showing anger. You know his choice: he’d like to sort his feelings out.

So there is a choice for you to make as well: you may wait for him, think about him, tell him that you are actually waiting for him to sort his feelings out, that you are patient, that once he knows what to do and feels better you’d like to be friends or maybe lover again if he so desires, tell him that with time he will manage to handle his passion. Mind you tough, if you follow this path, be alert that the thing that keeps him away from you may actually be another girl (like many posts above said), hence know your risk. You may mention to him you’d like to know whether there is another girl so that you may step back. If it is no problem for you that he may be spending time with another girl, tell him that it is not a problem he is undecided. Maybe you can look for someone he trusts and may talk to for an advice. (sorry you may not be good enough to give him advices, because he’d like to keep a peer to peer relationship with you, and he is proud)
The second option is not wait for him, forget about him and look for someone else who may fill the emptiness he left. It is easier said than done tough. But you may actually find someone who does not have these problems and be happy with him in the present, rather than waiting for a future that may never come. Actually, if you find someone else, and you share this experience with him, he may learn from that person.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Vhanon.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Vhanon.
- This reply was modified 10 years, 1 month ago by Vhanon.
October 29, 2014 at 2:03 pm #67000

MGrant
Participant

I know its hard right now, but in due time you’ll heal and eventually get over this. Word of advice, you’re still young and the next time you get involved with someone, take it slow.
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