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This topic has 21 replies, 1 voice, and was last updated 4 years, 4 months ago by Thondit.

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May 1, 2020 at 7:07 pm #352560

Stacey
Participant

Hello,

My last relationship did not really end. We stopped talking and I thought he was mad at me. I reached out a few times and did not get a response. I foolishly thought he was not receiving my messages. Long story short, I found out he was with someone else through social media. I finally had contact with him and he was not kind.

He met his new love within weeks of ghosting me. They got married after meeting once and according to social media it is working out perfectly. It has been almost 3 years and they are still going strong. Meanwhile, I have been in complete emotional devastation and nothing I have tried to heal has worked. I am not on social media much but I have my moments of weakness. I checked their social media and it is all love and happiness.

I don’t understand how he could be so cruel and then be rewarded with a perfect happy life. I’m not perfect but I tried to reach out and I apologized for every wrong that I could think 0f – multiple times. In our last conversation he personally attacked me. I said nothing. I’m really struggling. People tell me I can’t believe what I see on social media but from knowing him, I don’t think he would post if he were unhappy. I don’t know about her. It’s hard that he hurt me and then within weeks he got rewarded with a perfect, happy, loving marriage. I don’t know how to cope or “move on” – whatever that means.

May 1, 2020 at 7:13 pm #352562

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Stacey:

I will be away from the computer for the next 11 hours or so. I read your post, you wrote that he was “so cruel” to you- but you didn’t share in what ways he was cruel to you? I hope to read from you when I am back to the computer.

anita

May 1, 2020 at 7:24 pm #352564

Stacey
Participant

I feel he was cruel by ghosting me. I tried to reach out multiple times expressing love, apologies etc. I mailed him a card expressing my love. No response. I foolishly thought he did not receive it or any of my messages. He did. He just ignored me. I don’t want to say exactly what he said to me in our last conversation but it was a personal attack. There was no need for him to say it.

May 1, 2020 at 7:46 pm #352566

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Stacey:

Still here, back and forth: It is cruel to ghost a person, especially ghosting a person who apologies multiples times.. but what is it that you apologized for; what is it that you did wrong to him??

anita

May 1, 2020 at 8:45 pm #352570

Ravi
Participant

Hi Stacey,

Oh yes, definitely pictures or posts on social media should not be believed. What happens with their life just after or just before posting those pictures is what we cannot see on social media. And they may even be true in this person’s case. Those moments of happiness may be short lived or even long term. But it shouldn’t matter to you now. You can “move on” by first not checking his posts/pictures and then by doing the Ho’oponopono forgiveness exercise to “heal” your inside. Look that up and everything will be fine and back on track for you.

May 1, 2020 at 9:27 pm #352578
Stacey
Participant
Thank you for replying Anita. I was supposed to go see him and didn’t end up going. We don’t live near each other. The trip was planned but after he stopped communicating I was afraid to reach out so I ended up not going. I know it bothered him – or at least I thought it did at the time. I felt he was mad at me. That’s why I reached out to apologize and reconnect. That was the main thing I apologized for. Other than that, I wasn’t perfect in the relationship. There was no cheating or abuse. I’m not perfect. I had moments where I was sad, angry, or confused. He saw my best side and my not so best side so I guess I apologized for that too. Looking back I apologized because I didn’t want him to be mad at me. I wanted to reconnect. I don’t know if I am making sense.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Stacey.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Stacey.
May 1, 2020 at 9:29 pm #352580

Stacey
Participant

Thank you Ravi. I know it’s best not look at social media. Normally, I am strong and resist but I have my moments. I am aware of Ho’oponopono and have tried it but it didn’t help. Thank you for replying and the suggestion.

May 1, 2020 at 9:34 pm #352584

Ravi
Participant

Okay good that you are strong enough (and maybe that is why Ho’oponopono didn’t appear to have worked 🙂 ) . I’m aware of many more healing techniques and happy to help should you have any issues, but it doesn’t look like. So good luck and take care.

May 2, 2020 at 6:28 am #352634
Anonymous
Guest
Dear Stacey:

It is important to know the order of things happening. First thing that happened was that he stopped talking to you; second thing that happened was that you didn’t go on the trip to visit him (“after he stopped communicating.. I ended up not going”). And after not going you apologized for not going. But it is understandable that you didn’t go on a trip to visit a man who wouldn’t talk to you- it was not a wrongdoing that you didn’t go on that trip, and therefore, no reason to apologize for it.

You also apologized to him for having been sometimes sad, angry, and confused (“I apologized for.. I wasn’t perfect.. I had moments where I was sad, angry, or confused.. He saw my best side and my not so best side so I guess I apologized for that too”)- there was no reason to apologize for feeling sad, angry or confused: feelings are not wrongdoings. There is no such thing as a person who always feels content, happy, calm, etc. So allow yourself to be human and feel what every human feels at this time or the other time: sad, confused, angry, frustrated, disappointed, etc. Don’t apologize for being human.

“Looking back I apologized because I didn’t want him to be mad at me. I wanted to reconnect. I don’t know if I am making sense”- you apologized not because you did anything wrong but because you were afraid that he was angry at you and you apologized for whatever may have been the reason for his anger (you didn’t know his reason), so that he will forgive you.

Here is what I suggest to you:

1. What you feel (what anyone feels) is not a wrongdoing. Apologize only for something wrong that you do, and not for anything that you feel.

2. When you think that someone is angry at you, but that person didn’t tell you if he/she is angry at you or why, then ask that person: are you angry at me? And if he says that he/ she is angry (or doesn’t say but behaves angrily), then tell the person that you would like to know why he is angry at you because if you did something wrong, you would want to fix that something that you did.

Get the information by asking questions, instead of giving a blanket apology not knowing what you are apologizing for, and not even knowing if you did anything wrong to that person.

3. Just like you are not imperfect for feeling sad, angry and confused, your ex boyfriend, and his wife are not perfect either and their relationship is not perfect (“it is working out perfectly… I checked their social media and it is all love and happiness… a perfect happy life”). Sometimes each one of them is sad, angry and/or confused too, and their lives together are not perfectly happy. No one is happy all the time or even most of the time.

If you want to answer the following (for the purpose of better understanding), please do:

– “he personally attacked me”- how did he attack you/ what did he say to you?

– Do you have the experience of growing up with an angry parent or older sibling?

anita
- This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by .
May 2, 2020 at 10:44 am #352666

Stacey
Participant

He told me I am emotionally unstable. It hurt me deeply.

May 2, 2020 at 10:49 am #352668

Inky
Participant

Hi Stacey,

His marriage is not perfect. It just isn’t. First of all, WHEN, not if, WHEN something goes wrong (it will! it has!) guess what? He cannot simply ghost his wife! Sorry not sorry! That would be called karma.

Second of all, guys don’t “do” social media. They just don’t. Not the guy’s guys. Well, now that you know he’s in touch with his social media feminine side, of course you know what those love and happiness Instagram-esque worthy posts are about, right? He’s trying to convince other people (and himself!) and YOU that he didn’t make a mistake by marrying someone immediately after his perfectly good past relationship.

Thirdly, he was mean to you because you forced him to answer up to what he did. Instead of letting him take the easy coward’s way out and ghost into the sunset you were all, “Sorry for any past transgressions, but where’ve you been, little buddy?” You went off HIS script. He never wrote the part in the script where you track him down.

Fourth of all, Instanta Marriages don’t end well. He married an instant cup of cocoa and he’s trying (too hard) to convince everyone that this is THE BEST.

Lastly, when, not if, when you find the person WORTHY of you (you know, the type who would never ghost people) you may get a phone call one day from your ex. He will be genuinely surprised that you are happily married, have three kids and a dog. He will have called to see how you “are” but will end up stammering an apology. Trust me on this one, it happened to me.

Best,

Inky

May 2, 2020 at 12:14 pm #352696

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Stacey:

“He told me I am emotionally unstable. It hurt me deeply”- I can tell how hurt you were, and still are because of what he said. There is a lot of pain in these two short sentences.

I think I know that kind of pain because I was told the same thing, that I was emotionally unstable. It enraged me. Unfortunately, in my case, it was true. Not because I chose that, or that there was something inherently wrong with me, but because of very disturbing experiences in my childhood.

But back to you, you can tell me, if you want to, about what hurts you so much in that sentence that he said, and why you think he said it (it could have been that he wanted to hurt you and said it for the purpose of hurting you)?

I will soon be away from the computer for a few hours.

anita

May 2, 2020 at 2:47 pm #352712

Stacey
Participant

Hi Inky,

Thank you for your reply. I hear what you’re saying. Other people have told me the same but there are no signs of any disharmony in his marriage. What you said about insta-marriages makes sense. It does not make sense that he would just ride off into the sunset after meeting someone once and everything works out perfectly. Like I said though, they are still going strong. It sure seems that everything is perfect. I don’t think I will hear from him. I wish the day would come that the tables would turn so to speak but I don’t think it will happen. If it does, I will let you know. Thank you again for responding. I really appreciate it.

May 2, 2020 at 2:55 pm #352714
Stacey
Participant
Hi Anita,

Thank you for your reply. It hurts me because I’m afraid what he said is true. I struggle with depression. My mother was an alcoholic and my childhood was rough. My mother died in her sleep and I found her. I’ve been struggling to make it on my own. My ex saw the depression. I wasn’t angry when he said it. I was – and still am – deeply hurt. I didn’t retaliate. I said nothing but his words will haunt me for a very long time. After he said it I said, “You find your mom dead with ants crawling on her and tell me how you turn out.” He did not respond.

Part of what bothers me is he has a drinking problem. I did not retaliate by calling him a raging alcoholic. I didn’t want to hurt him and if I had said that, believe me, my conscience would get to me. It bothers me that he said it and has shown absolutely zero remorse. Instead he found love and marriage within weeks and everything fell into place. I believe that the way we treat others comes back to us. It seems that there have been no repercussions or consequences to him hurting me.

As far as why he said it, I really don’t know. I don’t think he said it purposely to hurt me. I just feel he doesn’t care. He has zero ability empathize or have compassion. I think he was happy he found someone else and just didn’t care what he said or how it might have affected me.
- This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by Stacey.
May 2, 2020 at 6:12 pm #352732
Anonymous
Guest
Dear Stacey:

Even though he hurt you deeply, you didn’t retaliate. You could have retaliated, you knew the words to say to hurt him, but you chose not to. This is admirable, Stacey. I admire you for that. You are a good person.

The question you raised is two fold:

1. “how he could be so cruel and then be rewarded”, why does he, with “zero ability to empathize or have compassion” suffer “no repercussions or consequents to him hurting me”?

2. And why are you suffering even though you chose to not hurt him, even though you do empathize and have compassion and conscience?

What you are bringing up is an age old dilemma. The bible brought it up repeatedly: “For I was envious of the arrogant, As I saw the prosperity of the wicked” (Psalms), “Indeed I would discuss matters of justice with You: why has the way of the wicked prospered? Why are those who deal in treachery at ease” (Jeremiah). I am not religious; my point is that this dilemma is very old.

Here is what I learned that is relevant: it is possible and it often happens that bad people (people who repeatedly and knowingly hurt others) prosper: get rich and famous, have power over many people, etc., but happy people don’t do bad acts. And people who do bad acts are not happy.

I will be away from the computer for the next 12 hours or so. I will probably return to your thread to write more about what I started to express here. If you reply to what I wrote so far, I will read before I post to you again.

anita
- This reply was modified 4 years, 6 months ago by .
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