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Son left unexpectedly

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  • #432249
    SadSoul
    Participant

    Oh no. I did this long reply and somehow closed the window instead of sending it.

    😢

    I appreciate you and everything you said. I can’t condense the rest of it so I’ll try again later.

    Have a beautiful day and know I’ve been thinking of you while I’ve been digesting some big emotions.

    #432252
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    That happens.. Thank you for your kind words. I wish you a beautiful day too (it’s sunny here, this Thurs morning), and a thorough digestion of some big emotions!

    anita

    #432279
    SadSoul
    Participant

    It’s raining here. Lovely. Not! It hardly ever stops.

    Finally I’m looking down the barrel of the end of the week. Got a cash bonus at work which is rather wonderful. Worked so much extra lately as they’ve had deadlines, etc. I never get overtime because I work in different places. So this is a nice blessing. And I’m saving for a couple of things.

    How has your week gone? I think I’m just about on my feet again emotionally. Got a little message from my son which hurt very much. It wasn’t horrible, just reminded me how much I love him and miss him. And of course all the unanswered questions.

    Thinking of you 🌻

    #432288
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    Thank you for your comment on the other thread. I hope that my body can relax more often and more thoroughly. Right now will be nice. Taking a moment to relax..

    It’s raining here. Lovely. Not! It hardly ever stops“- stopped raining here for 3 days, expected to rain this weekend. It beats drought though!

    Got a cash bonus at work which is rather wonderful“- ConGratUlations!

    How has your week gone?“- not as busy as yours. No cash bonus either.

    Got a little message from my son which hurt very much. It wasn’t horrible, just reminded me how much I love him and miss him. And of course all the unanswered questions“- this though just occurred to me in regard to unanswered questions is: what if you are asking (yourself) the wrong questions.. and that’s why they aren’t being answered..?

    In regard to loving him and hurting so much, the thought that occurred to me was: love is not supposed to hurt. A third occurring thought (I am counting): it’s not love that hurts.

    I think I’m just about on my feet again emotionally“- good, I want you on your feet, emotionally and otherwise!

    Thinking of you (sun flower emoji)“- thinking of you too. I used to eat lots and lots of roasted sun flower seeds in my youth.

    anita

    #432359
    SadSoul
    Participant

    I used to make sunflowers and pumpkin seeds toasted in tamari. Very yummy on salads but even yummier on a spoon 😂

    this though just occurred to me in regard to unanswered questions is: what if you are asking (yourself) the wrong questions.. and that’s why they aren’t being answered..?

    I’m intrigued. What questions do you think I should be asking?

    In regard to loving him and hurting so much, the thought that occurred to me was: love is not supposed to hurt. A third occurring thought (I am counting): it’s not love that hurts.

    In this case it’s the loss that hurts. But yes, in my life love usually amounted to hurt. I have to occasionally stop myself when I look at someone I love and separate the two emotions and get my head straight on them, but mainly I don’t think I love many people anymore, I don’t trust them enough.

    I found my children inspired nothing but the deepest love and no hurt. I do see that as they get older, and become adults they also hurt me, by the fact that they choose things that are selfish and hurtful. I think my love for my children is the one love that is fairly healthy though, it’s separate from hurt rather than dependant on it. But I do sometimes feel overly hurt – not confused with my love for them though. Isn’t that odd?

    I had the loveliest most amazing couple of hours doing my favourite thing. I’m also learning maintenance on the running of my ‘equipment‘ so had a successful effort at that too. I have a couple of acquaintances I occasionally do my sport with and I joined one of them. The sun’s golden fingers stretched its light ahead of us as we returned. I’m going to work on refining my technique the next little while so it becomes a safer activity!

    Oh how easily the soul finds a little happiness when the body is cared for. I’m having trouble sleeping, in a lot of Iain lately, but I’m turning the light out earlier and trying. I’m eating better than I had gotten into the habit of too. When I’m rested and fed well I can manage the other things so much better.

    How are you, dear Anita? I have a lovely golden sunlight moment on my porch, a pot of whatever your heart desires, no biscuits I’m afraid, but a bit of company to see the day in or out.

    Oh! I had a dream about my one friend who held onto me so tightly and then dumped me after 20 years. She was forcing me to do something, like she did in our friendship, and I felt just like I did for much of the times in our friendship. Weird and vivid. I’ve had a couple of vivid dreams about people I loved deeply, but my leading emotions in these dreams were hurt, and being trapped, and devastating disappointment. I think there’s something going on there…

    Onwards and upwards though.

    #432366
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    I am not focused, red wine in hand, long rainy day, a dog attacked me on my walk today, sprayed the dog with bear spray, not dangerous for the dog, just alarming enough for the dog to turn away. Had too much wine, talked too much, or did I.

    I wasn’t born in the U.S., you know, English is my 3rd language. I have a yearning to tell more, to.. tell you more, to know more about you. I’ll read your post and reply further in Mon morning.

    anita

    #432374
    SadSoul
    Participant

    Oh no! I’m glad you had bear spray. Dogs should not roam and owners who let them should be attacked.

    Same same. Re know more, not languages 😂 as my repotoire is very one language. I envy people with more than one. Oh to have a mind that can hold so much wonderful knowledge, to be that clever and intelligent!

    Sleep well and I look forward to the morning!

    #432402
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    I’m intrigued. What questions do you think I should be asking?“- intrigued by your question (quoted here), I thought and came up with this question: is it okay for me (SadSoul) to be okay with the way things are, with hardly any communication with my son?

    Re-asked: is it okay for me, SadSoul, to give myself permission to feel okay about things as they are, permission to no longer suffer?

    “In my life, love usually amounted to hurt… as they get older, and become adults they also hurt me, by the fact that they choose things that are selfish and hurtful… I do sometimes feel overly hurt – not confused with my love for them though. Isn’t that odd?“- meaning that feeling hurt by your children is not followed by feeling anger at them?

    I had the loveliest most amazing couple of hours doing my favourite thing… my sport“- still wondering what it is, curious, curious me.

    I’m turning the light out earlier and trying. I’m eating better…“- good thing, taking care of your body. Take care of your soul too, SadSoul.

    a pot of whatever your heart desires, no biscuits I’m afraid, but a bit of company to see the day in or out”– I’ll take the offer, gratefully!

    My leading emotions in these dreams were hurt, and being trapped, and devastating disappointment. I think there’s something going on there..“- trapped in..?

    Oh no! I’m glad you had bear spray. Dogs should not roam and owners who let them should be attacked“- I sprayed the dog, not the owner (who was there, yelling at his dog). This reminds me of the lyrics to a song I like: I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy.

    Sleep well and I look forward to the morning!“- I slept better but still exhausted, then had to travel to the city. Back now and soon to go for a walk in the rain (my regular route, not yesterday’s, so will not see the same dog).

    anita

    #432403
    SadSoul
    Participant

    Re-asked: is it okay for me, SadSoul, to give myself permission to feel okay about things as they are, permission to no longer suffer?

    I love this. I think I might be the tiniest bit headed in this direction

    meaning that feeling hurt by your children is not followed by feeling anger at them?

    On the odd occasion I felt a flash of anger at them. I think I’m having the smallest seeds of, not exactly anger, but I think my son is very selfish and spoilt to have done this. Maybe gutless because he wanted to do things that he knows aren’t good choices so he chose the road he’d get to be able to do them. But he’s a child, well, not a child but not an adult, so his choices are normal. Just that usually progeny have responsible parents to ensure they can’t act out their impulsive desires. Also place some blame on his father for being so useless he has no idea. But at this moment my heart is not weighed down with any of them

    still wondering what it is, curious, curious me.

    One day 😂 it’s not all that exciting but it’s my passion and according to someone I spoke to yesterday is the most dangerous sport answer when you play trivia. No idea because I don’t play trivia but I’ve been broken a few times so it certainly isn’t totally safe

    trapped in..?

    Trapped in the friendship. I loved her but I didn’t need her in the way she needed me. I had counselling when my marriage broke up and the counsellor gave me literature on narcissistic disorder to help me understand me and her, and hopefully find ways to reclaim that part of my life. This was before the term became a popular throw away description for every nasty person in your life. I read it, and it made me sad that my friend suffered with so many insecurities, and relied on attention to feel valuable enough to be able to cope. I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, just it would be very hard to be trapped with yourself suffering that personality disorder. Especially when you believe any kind of counselling is abhorrent. I was the perfect yin to her yang, unable to say no, no matter how ludicrous her needs were. So there you have it, doormat SadSoul was the perfect match for her needy, demanding friend who couldn’t find a way to fill her soul up, so she filled it up with me. A no was life threatening for her, so she’d go into survival mode, desperately creating situations and devastation, so that I had to say yes, and I always did

    I sprayed the dog, not the owner (who was there, yelling at his dog). This reminds me of the lyrics to a song I like: I shot the sheriff, but I didn’t shoot the deputy.

    I love that song! I’m glad the owner was yelling at his dog. Still, there are ways of making sure your dog doesn’t attack someone, like having it on a leash maybe? I’m being judgy, the owner might not encounter people in his travels so never had this situation arise, so many things that don’t need judgement

    I wish I could say I went to the city but I’m in it 😔 not an enormous city but it’s on the way to being enormous. I wish I had the courage to move, but finding work, moving, re-establishing, and all the stress that goes with it is terrifying. I barely have my feet on the ground now, moving would probably push me back to that deep place of misery
    <p style=”text-align: left;”>It’s raining. So surprising. I’m going to have to take my washing in and wash it again, I think</p>
    See you soon! In this land of cyber just in case that made you feel stalked and you were worrying about me knocking on your door 😂 😂 😂 😂

    #432405
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    I returned from an uneventful, light rain walk (my usual route, route 1), saw a couple of deer, and a couple of vehicles passing me by.

    the owner might not encounter people in his travels so never had this situation arise“- well, no one walks there (route 2) but me. I am the only one (a walking legend, if I may say so), so, there’s no reason to keep the dog on leash other than when I walk.

    More tomorrow!

    anita

    #432423
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    permission to no longer suffer?”–  I love this. I think I might be the tiniest bit headed in this direction“- I want you to not suffer, SadSoul. There is no advantage to you suffering. No benefit in it, not for anyone!

    On the odd occasion I felt a flash of anger at them. I think I’m having the smallest seeds of, not exactly anger, but I think my son is very selfish….  Also place some blame on his father for being so useless he has no idea. But at this moment my heart is not weighed down with any of them“- you being okay, feeling okay, is not less important than your son feeling okay. You matter just as much. Take care of your Soul. Sad Soul Matters!

    Trapped in the friendship. I loved her but I didn’t need her in the way she needed me… I was the perfect yin to her yang, unable to say no, no matter how ludicrous her needs were. So there you have it, doormat SadSoul was the perfect match for her needy, demanding friend who couldn’t find a way to fill her soul up, so she filled it up with me“- she helped herself to you (see my thread).

    I love that song!“- “I shot the sheriff/ But I didn’t shoot no deputy/ Oh, no, oh/ I shot the sheriff/ But I didn’t shoot no deputy/ Ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah…. I shot the sheriff (the sheriff)/ But I swear it was in self-defense (oh, no)/ Ooh, ooh, ooh (yeah)…”- singing with me?

    It’s raining. So surprising. I’m going to have to take my washing in and wash it again, I think.  See you soon! In this land of cyber just in case that made you feel stalked and you were worrying about me knocking on your door“-  – it stopped raining here, 8:20 pm here, Monday night, I hear Sad Soul knocking on the door: Sadsoul, I say, You are here!  You are welcome here, Sad Soul! Here, you can sleep in this spare bedroom, see you in the morning, special breakfast for you, I promise!

    anita

    #432426
    anita
    Participant

    Re-submitted:

    Dear SadSoul:

    permission to no longer suffer?”–  I love this. I think I might be the tiniest bit headed in this direction“- I want you to not suffer, SadSoul. There is no advantage to you suffering. No benefit in it, not for anyone!

    On the odd occasion I felt a flash of anger at them. I think I’m having the smallest seeds of, not exactly anger, but I think my son is very selfish….  Also place some blame on his father for being so useless he has no idea. But at this moment my heart is not weighed down with any of them“- you being okay, feeling okay, is not less important than your son feeling okay. You matter just as much. Take care of your Soul. Sad Soul Matters!

    Trapped in the friendship. I loved her but I didn’t need her in the way she needed me… I was the perfect yin to her yang, unable to say no, no matter how ludicrous her needs were. So there you have it, doormat SadSoul was the perfect match for her needy, demanding friend who couldn’t find a way to fill her soul up, so she filled it up with me“- she helped herself to you (see my thread).

    I love that song!“- “I shot the sheriff/ But I didn’t shoot no deputy/ Oh, no, oh/ I shot the sheriff/ But I didn’t shoot no deputy/ Ooh, ooh, ooh, yeah…. I shot the sheriff (the sheriff)/ But I swear it was in self-defense (oh, no)/ Ooh, ooh, ooh (yeah)…”- singing with me?

    It’s raining. So surprising. I’m going to have to take my washing in and wash it again, I think.  See you soon! In this land of cyber just in case that made you feel stalked and you were worrying about me knocking on your door“-  – it stopped raining here, 8:20 pm here, Monday night, I hear Sad Soul knocking on the door: Sadsoul, I say, You are here!  You are welcome here, Sad Soul! Here, you can sleep in this spare bedroom, see you in the morning, special breakfast for you. I promise!

    anita

    #432437
    SadSoul
    Participant

    Sad Soul Matters!

    So do you 🌻

    she helped herself to you (see my thread).

    There’s a fine line between supporting and drowning. I don’t think she has the vaguest idea what she was doing and even the tiniest bit of mentioning how she affected me would result in a huge emotional breakdown. I didn’t have the slightest idea what she was doing either, just felt stretched, stressed, not good enough, selfish, incompetent, and frustrated. It’s a blessing I don’t have it to deal with now. Another situation where I miss the idea not the reality!

    I’m hearing sittin’ on the dock of a bay, watching the tide roll away. I love old music. I have the best of radio station on in my car that has little old people as it’s announcers. They pick the best music.

    Monday night, I hear Sad Soul knocking on the door: Sadsoul, I say, You are here!  You are welcome here, Sad Soul! Here, you can sleep in this spare bedroom, see you in the morning, special breakfast for you. I promise!

    So good you don’t have the base ball bat out in case the knock on the door is your online stalker 😂

    I have a spare room at up in anticipation also. I look forward to special breakfast. I had coffee, so health 😂 but there was also lovely salad from my favourite salad bar for lunch. I’d take you there for a delicious lunch so I could enjoy your company because my whole life I’ve been in the kitchen making beautiful meals missing out on the people. I’m changing that and offloading chores so I can enjoy beautiful people 🌹

    #432451
    anita
    Participant

    Dear SadSoul:

    Thank you for your comment on my thread, and

    “Sad Soul Matters!”- “So do you“- thank you for this too!

    Even the tiniest bit of mentioning how she affected me would result in a huge emotional breakdown“- only she existed, in her own mind; narcissistic, as your therapist said about her.

    So, good you don’t have the base ball bat out in case the knock on the door is your online stalker“-  people in this area do not dare showing up and knocking on doors unannounced. Most people have multiple firearms. It is not unusual for me to hear gun shots on my walk (route 1). I know one neighbor who has a gun in every room, including in the bathroom.

    There are a couple of handguns in the drawer to my left, as I am typing to you. This is how things are around here. I carried one of them on my walk after the coyote incident in 2021 (I think it was), but felt clumsy with it, uncomfortable, and had pepper spray ordered.

    I have a spare room at up in anticipation also… I’d take you there for a delicious lunch so I could enjoy your company…“- Salad with SadSoul (SWS) will be fine and dandy. Do you use dressings on yours? (blue cheese dressing is my current favorite).

    anita

     

    #432573
    SadSoul
    Participant

    I have been mia because my week has been huge, not anything whatever to do with you, so I’m explaining that before I say anything so you know. I hope you haven’t been anxious about that.

    My hours went up at work so now I’m working a stupid amount, but I have a big expense coming up, so it will help. I only locked in till October too, so it’s not forever.

    In addition, I got a very long and newsy message from my son. I have been processing how it made me feel, so I’ve been hiding under a rock when I get home, and avoiding everything. Not that there’s been much time to avoid with, as when I get home it’s not that far off bed, and I barely have time to do the chores. Today is the first day my brain is starting to clear since I got the message. I felt confused, cautious, and a bit numb. I felt unsettled that I didn’t feel excited or any of the emotions I thought I should feel. Now I feel at peace and grateful he gave me an update of his life. I hope it’s the start of something better between us.

    Other than that it hasn’t stopped raining. Except when I’m at work and can’t be out there enjoying the better weather. But even then, it’s rained a lot while I’m at work. Might have to invest in a boat to get around soon as it’s so wet and awful everywhere.

    There are a couple of handguns in the drawer to my left, as I am typing to you. 

    You live in the wild, wild west!

    Do you use dressings on yours? (blue cheese dressing is my current favorite).

    I must certainly do use dressing. Salad without dressing is only suitable for rabbits to eat. In fact, a little bit of salad with your dressing is about the right way to serve it. I’m not a fan of blue cheese, although I had a home made cauliflower in blue cheese sauce pie recently that surprised me with its deliciousness.

    How are you going? I hope it’s been a tolerable week for you. You’ve been in my thoughts from time to time.

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