My ex (25f) and I (30m) were going out for 5 years. There was so much great about our relationship, that when she left the note saying she was staying at her parents for 6 weeks, it blindsided me, but of course hindsight is 20-20, and the clues now are obvious. But we were the absolute best of friends, we’d bicker, but NEVER fought. Our families adored us, and I think everyone was wondering when I’d pop the question, which was soon because I was ring shopping right before the breakup.  Her father was more of a father than mine had been since I was 6; I really looked up to him, and even began picking up some of his hobbies, and looked at his posotion in life as a place I wanted to be at that age. Her extended family considered me one of their own, and were ALWAYS doing things. Something my family has never done. She was good to me and took care of me, as I did her. I love(d) her and her entire family so much.

She left a note in the mailbox on her way to work a week before my 30th birthday in November. In the note, she described being unhappy, that she felt our spark had burned out, and that she felt more like roommate than a couple, and that she was going to stay at her parents for the next 6 weeks. I immediately contacted her once I found the note, and she had the idea of going on dates for awhile to kind of “start over”. I agreed. The day after my birthday, we went on the first date. She texted me the next day while i was at work telling me she just felt awkward, and she was getting the rest of her things from the house we shared. I begged/pleaded, and she said she’d be willing to try again. I cooked for us at our house, and went to her parents for supper later in the week. After that, she messaged me again, telling me she still just didn’t feel the same with me, and that we were done.

Since the relationship has ended, I pour time into reading self- help and relationship material.  It started out as “get your ex back” crap from Brad Browning and others, but slowly transitioned to Corey Wayne and things that help me truly understand where the relationship went wrong. As good as our relationship was, it also had serious issues. I stopped “dating” her as much, and I got so very complacent. I guess I just kind of “assumed” she’d never leave me, and that she happy since she was with me. The absolute killer of our relationship though was our lack of physical affection. There were weeks we’d go without a romantic kiss, and sex slowed down dramatically to the point of stopping. She wanted it, but I had no interest. I have found out since she’s left me that it was a result of low testosterone that killed my sex drive. It was that way for awhile though, so while the affection and romance between us wained, our fire slowly burned out. I tear up thinking about the slow death of what was such a beautiful relationship in a 3rd person perspective.

I was left utterly devastated. The first few days, were probably the easiest. I was numb, and hadn’t processed a single bit of it, in the back of my mind though, I was bracing for it thinking “ohhh man… this is about to hurt”. Sure enough, after about 3 days, it hit me like a sucker punch with a machete. I cried, couldn’t eat, stayed drunk so i could sleep, then couldn’t cry anymore because I was too hungry. This lasted about a week. The next few weeks I spent crying when I’d get home, but trying to “bounce back” by whitening my teeth, getting a new wardrobe, a new hair cut, boxing up her reminders, and rearranging my house. None of it helped. EVERYthing was hard, and my time at home was spent crying in nostalgia. 

This has been the stagnant position I’ve been in since. The only escape I have is the 10 hours I spend 4 days a week at work, but believe it or not, work has been the hardest part of the breakup. I wake up at 3:30 every morning without her next to me. The alarm clock has been a bitter enemy, as the sound itself serves as a reminder that I’m waking up without her. I have a  very labor intensive job. It’s been so unbearably hard to do all this when I’m not doing it for my “family” any longer. I didn’t realise how much she was on my mind when i was swinging a sledgehammer while i was knee deep in mud, but now that I’m not doing it all for her anymore, the desire to do any of it is gone.

I can’t begin to describe how much i want her back. It’s not possible. She’s replaced the bulldog we shared that we spent the first few weeks afterwards sharing custody of, and she recently made her new relationship with a pill snorting dishwasher that takes her car everyday “facebook official”. I was numb when i had heard. I have a hard time understanding how i could still be so attached and can’t even imagine being with another woman, and she’s In another serious relationship. It creates a lump between my throat and my chest that won’t go away. Her family is devastated, and want me back in her life as badly as i want her. This means nothing though obviously.

I’m getting a new roommate soon to help me cope with the loneliness, but there’s still not 30 seconds in a day that i don’t think about this woman. She made me such a better man. Turning me into the man i had always wanted to be, and now her and everything is just… gone. I don’t WANT a life without her. I know that’s meaningless, as the choice was made for me, but to think I’m going back to where i was without her terrifies me. I feel like as I’ve begun to get rid of hope, it’s being replaced with a lack of purpose, drive, and direction. I’m confused, lost, and hopeless. I’ve hated since the breakup, and i honestly feel like this will never change, and that the most I could hope for is to become numb. Not happy. Not sad. Just present.