Hey Shelby … I’ve joined tiny Buddha today itself and ur post threads were the first thing I came across .. I can really feel every single emotion and pain ur going thru as I’ve been a lot thru similar experience in my past .. I will write more but as of now all I can think of is that u need someone to be there to talk to u so u can express u pain and slowly move on and heal … if u don’t mind we can talk wnever u want to and I will help u overcome this as much as I can .. lemme know and I’ll pass on my contact .. Lots of love .. Sal xxx

Dear Shelbyville

I have not posted on these forums in some time, but after logging back in and reading your story I felt I must.

You say everyone tells you that this is his lost but you can’t see that, why is this?

I’ve learnt now that we continually blame ourselves for the things that go wrong to us. How could it not be something we did?

The truth is, people are strange creatures. We act in the strangest ways and there isn’t necessarily a cookie cutter shape for us.

For me, Self Esteem is something that you have to continually work on. Having more self esteem is something that we all regularly talk about, but what does it actually mean?

I would advise you to think about taking care of and respecting yourself. What do you like to do? What makes you happy?

For example, in a similar low point I learnt how to love myself again. I started reading, cooking, spending quality time with friends and doing things for others.

These were things that brought me happiness and made me realise that I could do great things. They increased my self esteem.

We will never be continually happy, but can we spend the majority of our time just being content?

My best.

Michael.

Hi Shelbyville,

I will reply you here so as not to disrupt your conversation with Kkasxo. With regards to your question..

Can I ask…..when you went away by yourself, were you lonely, did you miss him or were you able to stop thinking about him and enjoy being by yourself?

Yes, on my first trip alone (which was less than a month after the breakup; booked the trip on impulse to get away from the familiarity of the place which reminds me so much of him).. i thought of him A LOT. there were even moments that I would plug in my music of our songs.. and just cried and cried while listening to the songs. I kept thinking and wondering if we would get back together.

On subsequent trips.. months down the road.. the thoughts of him got lesser and there were times of being lonely.. not just because of him but just the sheer fact of being alone. but it also made me realise who i am on my own without family.. friends.. him.. and that is when i found myself (as cliche as it sounds though). and i slowly regained my smile and happiness. i think it just adds up day by day.. you start smiling at things unrelated to him.. then there will be more and more things and the significance of him contributing to your happiness lessens.

though.. i do still think of him and our good times together but i know those belong in the past.

and my personal belief is that you do not have to forget someone completely to move on. you can still hold a piece of the memory with you.. as long as u dont look at it so much that you are stuck there.

what really helped was not having contact with him in the intial month, we actually agreed to not talk to each other and let our own healing happen. but of cos after a while i was tempted to have contact with him.. and i did. i wanted to know how he was doing(is he as miserable? does he regret?) but each time i contacted him my mind goes into overdrive and i overthink. but i do think those moments of contacting him were helpful too as it helped me to gain clarity that he is not in the same place as i am.

i agree with you saying that if you were to mourn over the relationship, you should do it. it seems like he has already let go of the relationship, so what are you holding on to? for me at that time, i thought if i didnt mourn, the relationship still has hope. but i realised that regardless of whether i mourn for the relationship, regardless ofwhether i am stuck there.. he is gone and nothing i do now makes a difference to that relationship that has passed.

what i can work on is the relationship with myself and with people who are willing to put in similar effort. anyway kudos to you for living each day as it is, be in the present and fighting the urge to be in touch with him! wishing you lots of courage and love and kindness to yourself 🙂

Hi Shelbyville,

Wow, uncanny how similar our experiences can be. The power of forums eh? To be able to connect with other people with similar experiences and that in itself tells us that we are not alone if whatever we are facing 🙂 I guess our exes are pretty sweet people but they are just not the person for us at this moment.

Hmm, yes before I went away I also thought whether I am just running away and will i feel worse if i am alone in a foreign place. it was scary and i wondered if i would be able to handle all that time alone. there were moments where it felt so terrible but it was also in those moments that i allowed myself to feel and that was when healing started too. i think the beauty of travels is that you would meet new people who may give you a different perspective. I remember on one of my trips, i met this lady who inspired me with her own heart break story. She moved to a new country for her then boyfriend.. and she did not even know the language in that country. ended up he decided to move away from that country and left her alone there. she was broken but eventually she found her own footing and she learnt the language in that new country, made new friends and there she was standing on her own! When I spoke to her.. i was so inspired by her story of resilience and these are the moments along the way that helped me build myself together again. i always feel no matter how the travel may go.. there will be moments that gives u a different perspective n renewed insights. just being in a different place works. but of cos maybe you can wait till you feel a bit more mentally prepared or when you feel that impulse one day and just book something!

maybe the sadness comes with each day that you are accepting the end of the relationship. prior to this your sharing seemed to be still more on looking at that door of the relationship and hoping it would open again. probably now you seem to be accepting more that it is closed for now and that is when the sadness would creep in. allow yourself to feel the pain and sadness at bearable doses.. somehow that helps.

ahh i think i get what u mean! in the initial months of the breakup.. i felt that way too. .i was just floating.. sometimes i would wonder how did i make it from point a to point b.. i was just going on auto pilot mode and just keeping myself alive. i had to tell myself to eat to do my daily things.. but i know i was not fully alive in that sense. anyway, your breakup is still very fresh so be gentle with yourself!

i saw on the other thread that books help you too. there was this book i read that was helpful to me. it is called “Second Firsts” by Christina Rasmussen. you can check it out and see if the book speaks to you. it is about recovering from grief and loss and creating your second firsts.