Home→Forums→Relationships→Struggling to let go – even after 10 months.
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LL.
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October 29, 2014 at 10:44 am #66986
LLParticipantI met a man at work with whom I felt a connection immediately. We could spend hours talking about everything under the sun and talk to each other honestly about every little thing that bothered either of us. This was not a romantic connection, as he is married, but it felt like we had somehow found who we were looking for after all these years – someone who completes you and inspires you to do better. Inspired by him, I started some small business ventures (which I had been putting off for years) and travelled around the world with the confidence of having someone to protect me. It was a sense of stability I had not experienced in years. I was single at the time, recently divorced.
However, he stopped calling me abruptly in a few months (he always used to call first), and then also stopped responding to my messages. I let go, as I firmly believe “all good things have to come to an end”. The loneliness hit me hard when he left though, and I resorted to religion, spiritual guidance and therapy to keep my head above my severe loneliness and depression. I have also tried to keep myself busy – travelling, continuing with my business venture, writing, being active on social networks, trying to be part of groups, taking classes, etc.
It is now almost a year since this has happened. We have met a couple of times at work post that, and been very friendly – but no communication otherwise. I realise I still miss his presence in my life and the fact that he was a valuable part of my life. I think about him every waking moment (to the point of obsessing), wondering what he is upto and how he is doing. When the obsession got bad, I reached out to him but he refused to pick up my calls or reply to my emails. I am about to give up on the business I have put so much effort into, as I have no inspiration or hope to go on any more.
I feel terrible about this because (a) I do not know how someone who got along so well with me could abruptly pull away for no apparent reason and (b) I am tempted to keep on trying to reach out to him assuming he will get back to his normal self. It has now been 10 months, and my life has only moved backwards without his presence. I have put in all the lessons I have learnt in life to let go of his thoughts. If it is time to let go, why am I not able to? Is it fair that I have to let go of the only bright light in my life?
October 29, 2014 at 10:48 am #66987
anonymousParticipantTrust me I am also facing the same situation. Please help come out of it.
October 29, 2014 at 6:12 pm #67008
PeaceParticipantWow, where do I begin. I want to help so I’m going straight to your questions. You are obsessed with a married man. And yes, it is fair that you have to let go of the only bright light in your life because HE IS A MARRIED MAN.
Do you really think this guy wants your phone number showing up on his cell while he’s eating dinner with his wife?
There are a hundred single guys right this second that would love to spend time with you, but these guys see you drooling on a married guy. And women seem to have no earthly idea how big of a turn off that is to single men.
It is hard for you to let go because females are biologically wired to want other women’s men. You are just going to have to find a guy with a girlfriend instead of a wife.October 30, 2014 at 12:54 am #67018
VhanonParticipantLet me try to answer you questions.
“(a) I do not know how someone who got along so well with me could abruptly pull away for no apparent reason”
Actually there are plenty of reasons you can imagine. As Peace stated in the post above, he may have got problems with his wife. Now, he may actually talk with you about those problems. However, that will promote a complicity between you and him at the expense of the relationship with his wife. Hence, that man would risk to make the relationship with you stronger and weaken the relationship with his wife. No matter what logical argument he may propose, you are always going for a way to talk and meet him, and he may actually like the idea. He may have started having feelings for you, but he is trying to suppress them for the sake of the marriage. Of course these are not things he can discuss with you. If you care about your friendship, you can wait for the day the problems with his wife are solved or his feelings have abated.
“(b) I am tempted to keep on trying to reach out to him assuming he will get back to his normal self. ”
To become and to change, to morph in a new self should be his decision. He’s the owner of his soul. As stated above he may not be willing to discuss his reasons with you, he may not even be able to verbalize his reasons to you. When the feelings push you from one side to another depending on where you are, it’s quite hard to think straight. One needs time to remake oneself. Do you care for him, do you love him as friend? You have no ownership of him, no commitment with him, accept him even in his change. One day he may be able to discuss his reason with you.
“If it is time to let go, why am I not able to? Is it fair that I have to let go of the only bright light in my life?”
You do not have to let him go. The memories, the words, the support, the care he showed, the friendship, the inspiration you had are real and yours forever. He may be changing and dieing to your eyes, but the old man he was is still there in your heart and still lives somewhere inside him. Repeat to yourself what he had taught you, be proud of what you have done and do not disappoint him. Wouldn’t you like to show him your successes when he is out of what he is passing through and able to discuss once again with you? Even if he changed and died forever, wouldn’t you honor his memory with your achievement?
If these thoughts are not enough for you to stay at peace, it may be the case you are really in love with him. And that may actually be the reason why he does not talk with you. He may be waiting you are back to your old self. If that is the case, let him go as lover and he’ll be back as friend.October 31, 2014 at 2:17 am #67081LLParticipantThanks Peace and Vhannon for your feedback – you have no idea how better I feel after reading your responses.
Peace – I was not romantically involved with him. Even in our heydays, we never went overboard contacting each other – it was usually an email a day, one long call a week, or a drinking session where we would rip out all our co-workers. It was never a case of obsessive text/email/call. The obsession is only current (when I am unable to reach out to him) and it is 100% in the mind. I suspect it is a case of wanting what you do not have, as you rightly pointed out. If he were responding to my 1 email in a month, maybe I would not even be thinking about him actively right now.
Vhannon – very helpful insights.. I think both of you are right that he may be having problems with his wife (though we never discussed this). And now I realise it is also possible that due to the situation with his wife, he may have had feelings for me that he might be trying to suppress/avoid acknowledging. That would explain his pulling away. The controlling and attention-to-detail personality of mine (which works great at work, but not in personal life) wants to put more effort and make him see things the exact same way I am seeing them.. but I also see now that his change is not my responsibility. Maybe I just need to learn to take no action. I genuinely care about him, and want to know what is happening in his life. When he found a new job and moved to a different city, he never told me about it and it hurt like crazy. Either way, it is sad to have someone so special let go – it seems like a tragedy as I have very few friends I am regularly in touch with. Something to work on, I guess.
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