Dear NeedAChange:

I just re-read your posts and some of my posts to you on your previous thread. It seems like such a long time ago, our previous communication, as it all happened before the pandemic.

In your previous thread you described a lot of anxiety as a child. It is possible that for you, emotional attachment is associated with anxiety because significant anxiety is what you experienced as a child, a time when you were very emotionally attached to your parents. And feeling emotionally attached to your boyfriend, is accompanied by that same anxiety of childhood.

Being single, on the other hand, means freeing yourself from emotional attachment and from the anxiety that goes together with it.

In October 24, 2019, you wrote: “I think the new relationship was threatening to me.. I honestly just dreamed of my freedom… this person is the first person where it was a real, stable relationship. And I guess I felt that (it) went against the person I saw myself as, which is independent. When I was single, I thought of all the possibilities. But when this person came around, it kinda stifled that.”

– the new relationship that you described as stable and healthy, felt threatening because of the anxiety associated with emotional attachment, and breaking up from the emotional attachment means freedom from the anxiety that accompanies the emotional attachment.

Does this feel true in part or in whole?

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 5 months ago by .

Dear NeedAChange:

I am guessing that you will feel a relief from that constant stress if you break up with him. You may regret it too, but I imagine you will feel relief, a relief that you’ve needed for many months. Why not break up then, so that you can get this much needed relief (and change, as in “Need A Change”!)?

anita

Dear NeedAChange:

I think you mentioned in your previous thread having taken SSRI anti depressants (do I remember correctly)? SSRI medications are often prescribed for obsessive thinking. Could that be the relief/change that you are looking for?

anita

Dear NeedAChange:

You wrote in your post before last: “I have even talked about this extensively with my partner”- then he knows how troubled you’ve been for so long.. what was his input, what did he say to you over time, regarding this matter?

anita

Dear NeedAChange:

If I was your boyfriend, knowing how much you suffered being in a relationship with me, and for so long, and knowing that at the least, it is a possibility that you will no longer suffer if not in a relationship with me- I would break up with you, so to afford you the chance of no longer suffering.

He never suggested that to you?

anita

Dear NeedAChange:

What you and your boyfriend decided to do- to continue the relationship as is- is not working for you or for the relationship because, as a result, you are “Stuck Everyday”.

Why not take a break from the relationship, not a final breakup, but a break. During the break from him, as a single woman for the time being, work “on the underlying problem”. After gaining sufficient insight into the underlying problem and beginning to address it, then get back with him (?)

anita

Dear NeedAChange:

“I guess I’m also afraid of what could happen. Like what if I am truly more peaceful single”-

– but what is most important by far is that you will be “more peaceful”- that’s priority #1.

In other words, you being in a relationship is a way, way lesser priority than you experiencing peace of mind.

Yet in other words: more important than pleasing your boyfriend/ not hurting him by separation- is that you do what is right for your mental health.

I suggest that you do take a break from the relationship, something that you already considered. Within the break work on the underlying problem.

Clearly you can’t/ haven’t worked on the underlying problem while in the relationship with him. Again, place your mental health ahead of this relationship.

anita