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Stuck Everyday

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  • #361287
    NeedAChange
    Participant

    Everyday, I wake up with thoughts that I need to be single to live my best life. When I start to feel a glimmer of hope, I get intrusive thoughts that I need to break up with my boyfriend in order to live the life’s I’m meant to live. I fear that the constant stress that my body goes through is driving me crazy. On top of that, I’ve had tinnitus for the past three weeks. I honestly can’t handle it anymore. I’ve been dealing with this for too long and I just want to be free.

    #361296
    anita
    Participant

    Dear NeedAChange:

    I just re-read your posts and some of my posts to you on your previous thread. It seems like such a long time ago, our previous communication, as it all happened before the pandemic.

    In your previous thread you described a lot of anxiety as a child. It is possible that for you, emotional attachment is associated with anxiety because significant anxiety is what you experienced as a child, a time when you were very emotionally attached to your parents. And feeling emotionally attached to your boyfriend, is accompanied by that same anxiety of childhood.

    Being single, on the other hand, means freeing yourself from emotional attachment and from the anxiety that goes together with it.

    In October 24, 2019, you wrote: “I think the new relationship was threatening to me.. I honestly just dreamed of my freedom… this person is the first person where it was a real, stable relationship. And I guess I felt that (it) went against the person I saw myself as, which is independent. When I was single, I thought of all the possibilities. But when this person came around, it kinda stifled that.”

    – the new relationship that you described as stable and healthy, felt threatening because of the anxiety associated with emotional attachment, and breaking up from the emotional attachment means freedom from the anxiety that accompanies the emotional attachment.

    Does this feel true in part or in whole?

    anita

     

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks, 1 day ago by anita.
    #361298
    NeedAChange
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Yes, that does feel partially true. I also just feel like if I break up with this person, I would finally be free of the constant thoughts I have about breaking up with them, which would give me some mental peace.

     

    Now, I don’t know if this would actually be true unless I were to actually break up with them, but that is what I feel.

    #361303
    anita
    Participant

    Dear NeedAChange:

    I am guessing that you will feel a relief from that constant stress if you break up with him. You may regret it too, but I imagine you will feel relief, a relief that you’ve needed for many months. Why not break up then, so that you can get this much needed relief (and change, as in “Need A Change”!)?

    anita

    #361310
    NeedAChange
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I haven’t broken up with him because I can’t. I feel like it is physically impossible because I know deep down that that is not the solution. I have even talked about this extensively with my partner. I just want relief from these thoughts.

    #361312
    anita
    Participant

    Dear NeedAChange:

    I think you mentioned in your previous thread having taken SSRI anti depressants (do I remember correctly)? SSRI medications are often prescribed for obsessive thinking. Could that be the relief/change that you are looking for?

    anita

    #361313
    NeedAChange
    Participant

    Yes, I took them in the past and am currently starting a new medication but it’s too early to see how it is working yet. When I was on medication, it did help, but I still had the same beliefs in the background. I know I need to see a psychologist but even still, my thoughts stop me and tell me that it won’t work because I need to break up with my boyfriend.

    #361314
    anita
    Participant

    Dear NeedAChange:

    You wrote in your post before last: “I have even talked about this extensively with my partner”- then he knows how troubled you’ve been for so long.. what was his input, what did he say to you over time, regarding this matter?

    anita

     

    #361315
    NeedAChange
    Participant

    He agrees with me that although my brain tells me to break up with him, it’s probably not a real, long term solution. He also thinks that if he really was the problem in my life, that we would not be together as long as we have been. Which is almost 5 years at this point.

    #361322
    anita
    Participant

    Dear NeedAChange:

    If I was your boyfriend, knowing how much you suffered being in a relationship with me, and for so long, and knowing that at the least, it is a possibility that you will no longer suffer if not in a relationship with me- I would break up with you, so to afford you the chance of no longer suffering.

    He never suggested that to you?

    anita

     

     

    #361324
    NeedAChange
    Participant

    No, because we both don’t believe that would actually solve the core problem. Even if we were to break up, I think there would still be the underlying problem which would just infiltrate into any future relashinships that I would have, if any.

    #361329
    anita
    Participant

    Dear NeedAChange:

    What you and your boyfriend decided to do- to continue the relationship as is- is not working for you or for the relationship because, as a result, you are “Stuck Everyday”.

    Why not take a break from the relationship, not a final breakup, but a break. During the break from him, as a single woman for the time being, work “on the underlying problem”. After gaining sufficient insight into the underlying problem and beginning to address it, then get back with him (?)

    anita

    #361331
    NeedAChange
    Participant

    This is something I have thought about. I don’t know if I can bring myself to do it, yet, or ever. I don’t want to hurt him or cause unesseasry pain or damage. I guess I’m also afraid of what could happen. Like what if I am truly more peaceful single and won’t ever be able to be in a relashionship? Whatever happens, I hope it all works out on the end.

    #361335
    anita
    Participant

    Dear NeedAChange:

    “I guess I’m also afraid of what could happen. Like what if I am truly more peaceful single”-

    – but what is most important by far is that you will be “more peaceful”- that’s priority #1.

    In other words, you being in a relationship is a way, way lesser priority than you experiencing peace of mind.

    Yet in other words: more important than pleasing your boyfriend/ not hurting him by separation- is that you do what is right for your mental health.

    I suggest that you do take a break from the relationship, something that you already considered. Within the break work on the underlying problem.

    Clearly you can’t/ haven’t worked on the underlying problem while in the relationship with him. Again, place your mental health ahead of this relationship.

    anita

    #361532
    McCloud Antonov
    Participant

    Dear NeedAchange,

    As I goes through your constructive statement you had air out here. I would possibly suggest that leaving your boyfriend /husband is the not the solution to that problems. But it would be awesome enough to confront him and sit down with him telling him how much you value your relationship status and him particula. As your name stated that “needAchange” yes you can be a change to someone’s life but doesn’t mean u need to break up. There are no smooth house /relationships in this universe. Probably problems are there like thorn but we have to keep them under pillow. Don’t leave your husband boyfriend,,,,  don’t leave your amazing  relationship.

    May u give things times…..  Don’t rush. Time will heal everything.

    All the best

    Gregory.

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