Hi, I hope you’re ok and I am aware this was posted years ago. But I’m really struggling with this rn. I have identified it as hocd. But I just want to share my whole story so you can hopefully put some sense into me. I’m a proper Overthinker about everything.

So last week I had this random thought that what if my bf isn’t the one for me. Which i remember at the time made me tummy DROP and I felt sick. I’m in a 5 year relationship with the literal love of my life. And before these thoughts started I knew he was the one, the thought of losing him was so so scary, we speak about the future, marriage, babies, growing old together. And I’m just absolutely obsessed with him.
sooo yeh this thought happened and then my mind started wondering, what could break us up and the thought what if I don’t like men and I secretly fancy women… and ever since then my mind has been crazy spiral!!! I remember having these thoughts when I was around 17/18 ( I’m 25 now ). But I then started dating men and the thought was erased and never thought about it again because I knew I always fantasised about men and never wanted to be with a girl. Never ever. I got through that time and I was so happy the intrusive thoughts had stopped. But now I’m getting all the same scary thoughts whilst being with my bf which is so so scary. Because I don’t want to lose my bf nor do I want these thoughts to happen.

Here’s where it get so stressful for me! Idk if it’s because it’s taboo but I’ve not anything like this online. So I saw a tiktok that said ‘I used to dress up as a boy on club penguin ( it’s an online game ) and days girls’ and it scared the living daylights out of me. Because I remember doing that and actually liking it ! In my head back then I knew it was because I just was thinking about the man and woman and I was envious because then I was so shy and hadn’t had a relationship yet. I never thought it was because I liked being with a girl!!! I don’t like girls and I feel sooooooo sick I did that as a child. I’m scared it means something about my sexuality. I know young children do all sorts when young but it’s really fixating on me. I hate it. I wish I never did it!!!! Also I’ve seen other stuff and I wanted to ask girls on here, again saw something on TikTok saying I used to make my two girl barbies kiss, and then my mind is now questioning whether I did that? I can’t remember?!!! It’s stressing me out!!! I think it’s part of OCD called false memory.

but now my life feels to be revolved around it and I’m getting awful intrusive thoughts and images of girls being naked and I now don’t feel comfortable around girls and i absolutely hate hate hate the thoughts. It’s really getting me down and I just wanted someone opinion.
before these thoughts I’ve never ONCE thought of a girl that way!!! This is why it’s stressing me out. I’ve always fantasised being in bed with a boy or kissing boys etc. help me please !!! I know how I feel about my boyfriend but I just feel numb rn and I’m so scared of ruining the relationship when it’s all I’ve wanted. I just feel like I need someone to tell me doing stupid stuff like that as a kid is normal and other girls did it!

Dear Lauren:

(I will be boldfacing some of your words): “So last week I had this random thought that what if my bf isn’t the one for me. Which I remember at the time made me tummy DROP and I felt sick”- a random thought scared you so much. This is what OCD, as I know it from my personal experience, is about: being scared of.. of thoughts.

“the thought of losing him was so so scary”- again, it’s a thought that scares you so very much. There is no danger in a thought, a thought does not present danger to a person.

“I have identified it as hocd… I’m a proper Overthinker about everything…I’m just absolutely obsessed with him”- this is the problem: Overthinking (with a capital O, as you chose to put it), about everything.

“sooo yeh this thought happened and then my mind started wondering, what could break us up and the thought what if I don’t like men and I secretly fancy women… and ever since then my mind has been crazy spiral!!!”-

– thoughts happen to everyone, and lots of them happen much of the time, because it’s easy to think, and thoughts happens fast. Thinking that you secretly fancy women doesn’t make you of any particular sexual orientation, it simply makes you a person who thinks, and can think anything.

The thought I secretly fancy women doesn’t make you of any particular sexual orientation any more than the thought I am an elephant makes you an elephant.

“I got through that time and I was so happy the intrusive thoughts had stopped. But now I’m getting all the same scary thoughts whilst being with my bf which is so so scary“- the thoughts feel dangerous (the danger in your mind is losing your boyfriend), but they are not dangerous, similarly to the non-danger in this thought: what if I am attracted to another man?

“I think it’s part of OCD called false memory”- were you diagnosed with OCD, Lauren? If you were or you will be diagnosed by a doctor, there are treatments for OCD that may be available to you.

“I’m getting awful intrusive thoughts and images of girls being naked and I now don’t feel comfortable around girls and I absolutely hate hate hate the thoughts… I’m so scared of ruining the relationship when it’s all I’ve wanted. I just feel like I need someone to tell me doing stupid stuff like that as a kid is normal and other girls did it!”- if I told you what you want someone (anyone) to tell you, it will at best calm you for just a moment.

What you need is a different relationship with your thoughts: not to hate them, not to love them, not to get scared by them, but to see them as they truly are: temporary, fast, effortless, invisible, tiny mental activity that keeps happening in every human brain that works.

You are scared to ruin your 5-year relationship, afraid to lose the relationship.. or are you afraid to not lose it, that is, as in, to be stuck in it forevermore? Maybe the HOCD thoughts are about resolving the fear of staying in the relationship.

Fear Not Your Thoughts, Lauren.

anita