Liam,

The thoughts about suicide are certainly negative, but your questions and feelings are not at all. It takes a lot of courage to open up about that, and thank you for reaching out. It might help to actually talk to someone, and there is a national hotline where you could speak to a compassionate soul. 1-800-273-8255. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

Sometimes it can be difficult to heal old wounds. Some tragedy strike us, such as the bullying, and our sensitive heart gets torn. If we don’t know how to heal, or don’t have loved ones that help us, over time it can fester. It sounds like what has happened, and the depression may be a result. Don’t despair, brother, there is always a path to joy.

To heal from an old wound (which has probably become more of a pattern) we have to have a couple of conditions. First and most important, we have to refuel our warmth. Much like when we tear a vein we lose blood, and the loss makes us feel weak, when we suffer, our love leaks out. Usually its in cyclical thoughts, or “racing mind”, but it can also come up as a tastelessness or self apathy and others. To refuel, we self nurture. We take the time to be kind to ourselves and do things that remind us that we want to be happy. One of the best methods I know of is metta meditation. Consider checking out the following:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W3uLqt69VyI

When we’ve spent a long time feeling cold, it can take a few days of practice before the warmth returns. Keep at it, if it interests you, for perhaps a week at least once per day, and most likely the inner warmth will return. Once it does, untangling the pattern is more like solving a puzzle than healing a crisis… it really makes a big difference. Namaste, brother, may you find peace and light.

With warmth,
Matt

Liam,

I totally understand where you are coming from. I had “passive” suicidal thoughts starting in middle school and lasted until upper 20s. Sometimes they got worse; sometimes they subsided. For a long time, I really believed that passive suicidal thoughts were totally normal. For me, things got worse before I got help (I was passively suicidal for about 15 years, and then actively suicidal for about 4 months… then I got on meds). These thoughts don’t just get better on their own. I thought they would eventually go away once I found a career I was happy in, once I found a city that I was happy in, once I improved my relationship with my family, etc. Nope. No matter how many cities I moved to trying to “find a place that I felt at home in,” it didn’t change. You need to be more proactive to get rid of the passive suicidal thoughts. So long as you are not actively suicidal though, I do truly believe it can be done without meds. And since you are asking for help here, you’re getting help way before I did which is good. So, some suggestions:

1) I know you’ll hate this suggestion, and you can ignore it, but find a therapist. It sounds like you went to one you didn’t click with. I’ve been there — and YES, a bad one makes it worse. (I’ve had several that I didn’t go back to after one session). BUT, there are LOTS of other therapists, with tons of different styles and personalities. You’ll probably need to meet with several to find one you like. But, once you find one you click with, it will be a big help. Also, the first session is always a little annoying because you are just getting the therapist caught up on what is going on with you.

2) I’m a fan of the book Feeling Good, by Dr. David Burns. It is THE book on cognitive therapy, which is designed to change your thought processes quickly, rather than rehashing childhood stuff. It’s a long book, but not difficult. It is essential to actually do the 3-column exercises, not just think about it. If you are adamantly against finding a therapist, at least try this book. My therapist recommended it to me, and I was so doubtful about some crap self-help book, that I checked it out at the library because I didn’t want to waste money buying it 🙂 I ended up buying it anyway because it’s pretty darn good.

3) Meditation has been really important to me. If you don’t know how to meditate (and even if you do), I think the books or lessons by Thich Nhat Hanh and Pema Chodron are great. Meditation teaches you who you are, by observing your thoughts, observing your mind, and creates an appreciation for the person you are in this world. I prefer silent meditation, but a lot of people like guided meditation (loving-kindness meditations like Matt suggested are a good place to start.)

Things really can get better. But you do need to be proactive in changing your thought patterns and your view of the world and your relationship with yourself. Right now, they are all skewed. Good luck!

Please, please, please reconsider going to a therapist. And absolutely rely on friends and family.

I’ve been in a place where I was so low that I believed suicide was the answer. I even tried, but fortunately it didn’t happen. I’ve learned a few things since then.

First– a good therapist is a must. I went through several before I found one that I had a rapport with. She has been one of the shining lights in my life and has helped (along with this site and other things) to turn me around. I’m not prfect, but I’m in a far better place and feel like I’m on the right path.

Second– talk to family and friends. You don’t have to go into all the details, but if they don’t know you’re struggling how can you expect any support. I admit that I’m a person who wears their emotions “out loud”. I’ve worked very hard the in the last 18 months to help erase the perception that depression is a “bad” thing. It isn’t. Depression is depression. It’s your mental mind telling you there are issues that need to be addressed so you can move forward down the path you were meant to take. Hiding it away serves no purpose. You feel worse because you have nobody to talk to and I promise you that family and friends will feel worse if you were to harm yourself and they were never given an opportunity to help and be by your side. Don’t underestimate how powerful friends and families can be in fighting depression.

Third– send me a message if you don’t think anyone else out there will listen. Use this site for inspiration. And look at some of the other sites out there that have forums for discussiing your depression. I promise you are not alone in your suffering and people want to help.

Please rethink what you might be considering. Find help. People will listen and help if you let them.

Ugh, Liam. You and I could share some bad therapist stories. She sounds AWFUL. One really bad one like that can make it REALLY hard to try going back. There are decent ones though. You kind of have to be willing to walk out the second something atrocious like that happens, which most people aren’t prepared for (who would be??). Online reviews are getting more and more common for doctors and therapists, so you might want to use that as a first step in screening.

I’m still navigating my way through meditation. And I plan to be for a long long time 🙂 and it’s actually okay for your mind to bounce around. Don’t get mad at yourself for it — your mind is doing EXACTLY what it has been trained to do! And doing a darn good job! Just recognize that you are thinking, and let the thought pass. I actually say to myself “thinking” and then let the thought float off like a balloon. Another surely pops up shortly after, but I do the same thing over and over again. You want to concentrate on your breath, but also just want to observe your mind. Even if your mind is running a million miles an hour. One of the best things I have learned is that there is no “bad sit.” You just keep learning about yourself.

I wish you well 🙂

Hello Liam,

How are you now? here’s a few reasons why you should stay alive-

-a walk in the rain
-the taste of chocolate
-your family
-your friends
-a kiss from the one you love
-hugs from your friends
-sitting under the sky in fill moon
lots and lots more.

Liam,

I’ve been suffering from severe depression for a long time, I’m beginning to emotionally shutdown, the good feelings and the bad feelings, all these thoughts of suicide came through my mind, I never had the courage to do it, I just stopped eating and drinking good amount of water and I ended up in hospital, suffering more, worrying everyone, made everyone around me sad, when I thought they will be happy for my sickness, now I don’t say that everyone loved me, but I’m certain that there are some people in this world who care, even if they were few. Taking your life won’t cause anyone damage but you, you don’t need more damage, you need to talk, be heard, be a person full of love and be loved, believe it or not, some people will listen to you, talk to you and try to take your pain away.

Just think about repairing yourself from within, you can’t change people but you can change yourself and your life to the better, better for you, not for anyone else, and that’s not selfish, because you need the care of yourself to yourself more than anyone else.

I hope this helps you, and we’re always here to listen.