hello

It can totally be something else that she is upset about, may be she is mourning over the relationship. she said it was hard for her to let go also, but she doesnt have feelings for me. and even if anything that is possible between us, we have to break up first

it is hard for me to hear things like these( she does not want to let go and we may have a chance later?) it is confusing for me when i heard them. she is the person who decided on the break, its been a couple of years so i get where these feelings came from. but i think she really did not think through the whole process, from her word, she said the last week of her break she scratched her head to think for an answer. i feel like she herself did not take the time to think through, which i think I am the person who needs to bear with her not so well thought process. ( the idea of asking me to leave the house after breakup is pretty inconsiderate to me)

now i need to deal with the grief and also needed to help her think how to arrange stuffs etc. i am a bit frustrated by her but sad that she had to leave. but at the same time i cared a lot for her so i tried not to make this too tough on her by givinh her time to move things

this is so tough really

Dear Anita

Thanks for your prompt reply.

Honestly I am unsure of what is it exactly that she can’t let go. may be the house as you said.  it’s filled with memories of us and we kind of built this together. Or simply the comfort of it. I got this house partly because this is very close to my mom’s place, very close to her work place, I hoped to give her some stability as she is constantly moving every one or two years since she is just renting a place outside.

I doubt if she can tell me what she can’t let go of, and there is probably no need to figure out unless I am terribly bothered by it to a point I can’t move on.

Last night when I went home and my first sight was the sofa, and that I see images of her sitting there watching TV, which is my usual sight for the past couple of years. I cried so hard. But I felt today, I am more able to face that image again, like I have cried over the idea that she would ever sit in that sofa.

I will probably change that sofa anyways, and some of the things at home as much as possible. so that I have a fresh start.

I already booked a therapy session, to review this.

This past month I have digged out a lot of the my past issues, during my trip, I was thinking i should have something to remind myself, It happens my friend’s friend, who is a tattooist is coming to Hong kong for guest tattooing. I decided to talk to her to see if I can come up with a small pattern that helped me. The conversation was very nice and I trust that I am in good hands. I am 41 this year, and I feel nervous yet quite excited, to finally do this. It will be a small pattern on my arm. I think I have learned a lot this month.

Another thing that I thought of, is to adopt a cat/dog. I have been wanting to do this for a while, but then she doesn’t really like animals. Now that she is gone, I might proceed with e cat/ dog. I want to give these otherwise abandoned animals a proper home.

Thanks all, I know I will have ups and downs but I also know I will get better at the end.

Dear Anita

Thank you

I am trying, I think it takes time, I don’t know how long. But I am accepting the new reality gradually.

When I reviewed the relationship, I think our relationship goals are different, she is focusing on how she feels about the relationship as of now ,but she didn’t plan for what she wanted to achieve in the longer run. For her, as long as it’s happy here and now, that’s ok for her, there is no need to plan for the future so much

As for me, I do plan for having a companion/ partner in the long run. I would plan financially/ do other things(such as the flat) to achieve this. This may be unconscious, but I think this is very different for the two of us. And may be that’s why, when the feelings are gone for her, she chose not to continue rather than continue to work on it, even though she said I have the quality of a long term partner, but long term isn’t for her at the moment. She wants her freedom back.

For the tattoo, I have already reserved a spot, but I am having doubts at the moment. Am I being too impulsive? This is something permanent and I feel I shouldn’t take it lightly. As the day gets closer I am beginning to question as well. Feels like I am not in the place where I have clear thoughts.

I am saying this because as compared with cat/ dog, I do have a stronger feelings for it. I do not have as much reservation to adopt, than to do a tattoo. Although realistically, the responsible of having a pet is a lot bigger than having a tattoo(i basically just need to be responsible for myself for that)

Thanks for all the input, really appreciate all of your input

Thanks Helcat

Yes It’s a shame, may be I didn’t really think clearly about this.

She probably has always been like this, but has convinced herself that she wants a long term relationship.

I didn’t notice this as well. It is also possible that we just let the love feelings slip away, either I am overreacting, she is being oblivious, we didn’t manage these properly and our feelings just gone like that.

You may be right about the tattoo, I feel like I am having second thoughts today, because this seems like a pretty rush decision. It is as if I am trying very had to be another person, get a new tattoo, haircut, throw things away. I may have that inside of me, rather than I genuinely want a tattoo. I take this seriously as this is permanent, and I guess I always have a second chance. I did share my hesitation with the tattooist, and she is nothing but empathetic and understanding. She asked me to decide and do so unapologetically.

As for the pet, yes, I think I am happy with the adoption a lot more, and I like to change other’s life to the better, pets included

Talk soon

Thanks

Hi all

Thanks.

I have postponed the tattoo indeed. I think I should give it more time and also, under my current state, I think anything that is so permanent, will make me recall the current status I am in. I think this may not be the right time.

Yesterday she texted me on the logistics of moving away. She said she heard me and would try to make the timeline work, which is to move all her stuffs away by this weekend. She has already rented a place. I feel she is trying very hard to leave indeed. On one hand, I appreciate her taking what I said, on the other hand, I feel like I don’t want to let her go, seeing her stuff not around empty would be an indication of that.

My heart hurts, knowing that she doesn’t have feelings or love me anymore.

Thanks Anita

Now that everyone is finalized, I feel a sense of lost indeed. Previously there were still things that I could think of. Now that this is all so clear, I have a sense of lost, on top of the sad over the lost love/ anger towards her inconsiderate request when we broke up/ etc etc

I would still imagine after the break up, we could still have a chance that we would be better in the future, especially after the thoughts that we have put into it. It think it’s normal, as much as i want to let her go asap, I still know a part of me is with her.

I hope what you say comes true, soon. thank you