Dear Anita

Hello.

Thank you for keeping me in your mind.

She is packing things today and I felt very sad about this. I pulled a bit of stuff out for her, she is supposed to go home today and will pack everything by day end. I already feel that I have been repeating what I said to my friends, there is nothing much that I can still talk about, but the feelings are still around. I am thinking if I should do some journaling, instead of finding someone to talk it out.

I don’t know, I need to process this. sometime it feels like something aching in the heart, sometime there is a void. With all the logistic discussion with her(she getting what electric appliances/ furniture etc), this makes me feel very complicated

Thanks Anita

Have a good rest

hi, she is having a busy day and i think she is not done now( its 11pm here)

i am staying at my parents’ as i ocassionally do, i told her she can take her time and if needed, just stay for the night. i offered to help her pack but she had a friend who was helping her.

the movers will not come until sun, so for tomorrow, i either stay at my parents’, or i go home with boxes and boxes of stuffs

her schedule is really crazy, i feel sorry for her having to do this. But i also appreacite her react to how upset i was last week, when i saw her stuff

complicated as in, there are times when i get angry,times when i feel ok, times when i was very upset and needed to cry, times when i do not even have feelings for her when i look at the photos of us together. its a lots of different things

hi

i was a bit down earlier in the afternoon. eventually. i decided to go for the gym, had some cardio and some strength training as well to get some happt hormones before i came back

i was a bit scared before i came back. i was afraid to see her stuffs around. but somehow when i came back, i felt ok. she left a paper cup in here and instead of thinking i needed to help her do chores( like laundry last time) while i m not her partner anymore, i just chuckled and was thinking how silly this person was. even she tried hard to throw away stuffs because she wanted me to feel better sooner, she left something here and there for me to settle. i guess that applied to both emotionally and physically. she was oblivious of my need after she proposed breakup, and of course there were many other similar ocassions when we dates. i think i have finally accepted that she really is this careless/ carefree person, and honestly, it probably because it doesnt matter to me that much anymore so i feel ok

last time when i knew her friend was helping her, i texted that friend and said thank you. i knew her via my ex. she was very worried about me and was asking how i was. she said my ex, her and another friend cared about me and hoped i would be ok soon. she also said she genuinely believed my ex grew up so much these few years, ane she said it was because of me. she was her friend for more than a decade so i believed it was true. she also said, while my ex fell out of love with me, i deserved someone who genuinely loved me and cared for me

i think another think that contributed to me feeling better, was i saw a video ok grief. essentially it means grief and love are tied together as a pact. so, since i loved, i cannot just disregard grief, even if we continue to be together and she dies earlier than i do. it is the same thinh that i need to deal with

and so i learned: we can grief and leave a space in the heart for this. she is still going to be everywhere: the supermarket we went, the place we travelled the restaurants we dined. i just need to give that emotions a space and allow it be there. since it will always be there

i think within one week, i think i have progressed well. i didnt beg or didny ask for reconsideration, nothing too dramatic except for day 1 or 2.

i just need to get used being alone now

re adoption, i am considering to foster care these animlas first, i think instead of committing to an animal while i didnt rasie any before, this will be an inerium way for me to know. who knows if i wont officially adopt it if we get along?

hi anita

and honestly, it probably because it doesn’t matter to me that much anymore so I feel ok“- a bit of anger, a bit of resignation..?

i think it is more like a bit of letting go, it does not matter anymore

yea you are right, it is griefing the lost love, and i need time for this

Thanks Anita,

Yesterday she arranged movers to come to my house, I said I would like to see her and the stuffs leave. I have images of her around the house, but none of it is her leaving. Last time when she packed i left midway, so i said i kinda wana see things go, to let her go.

She said it was rough for her, but she said it’s ok if that’s what i chose. I did stay, but the movers came earlier, and that she was slightly late, by the time she came, there were only a few boxes of stuffs left. I was thinking of saying a proper goodbye, but it ended up with some awkward exchanges before she left. i saw her face, it seemed she had a hard time facing me indeed.

After they left I was feeling a bit frustrated  and angry, and texted her, saying ‘ you are an absolute idiot ah~~~~”she was apologetic and saying she intended for the workers to come later but they came early, she said things were out of her control last week. and I was saying ‘ may be you should expect things to be a bit messy since you decided to break up, and don’t meet up with friends to travel on the weekend?” She came late because she just came back from a one night trip with her friends, that irritated me even more, she could either not travel, or just come back slightly earlier.

She said it was really tough for her as she has never been in a situation where she needed to move out from a place, where she shared with someone so dearly. I was very frustrated because this is what she has chosen, she has chosen to break up. But she did not think of any consequences, it is as if she did not understand what she has chosen. Break up, means exactly to break away from this place and me?

I tried to ask if we could talk for a few min, I didn’t want her to misunderstand and I don’t want her to think I was in a furious state or whatever. She was having dinner and so I asked her to continue first.

Later at night I texted her and asked if she could talk or hear what I said, or if she didn’t prefer. She said it was a very difficult day for her, and she was not sure if she could take in more. She said we could talk 2 weeks later, after her business trip

and I just said, we can talk or not talk, both are ok for me. I felt it didn’t really matter too  much, I just didn’t want her to get it the wrong way, but i guess it didn’t matter at the end.

I wished her happy birthday and asked her to take good care of herself, despite everything i care about her and wished her nothing but well.

Sigh, i don’t know, I felt frustrated by how she was handling the whole situation

that ahhh was kinda of like sighing.

i tried not to make it toooo accusational( but probablg i did sigh) by using that.

I guess I was just very frustrated, by how this is unfolding