Dear Clara:

*Note added late into typing this post: this is another post that may be distressing for you to read. Remember: you always have the option to not read, or to read and stop reading whenever you choose. My purpose is not to distress, but to help you *

You are welcome. I wouldn’t send her an email (aka contacting her) for the rest of the time you agreed to not contact her.

“What do you suggest me to write in the journal? I have drafted an email  for her“- you mentioned journaling, a solitary activity,  and then your mind quickly shifted to her, wanting to connect with her.

I spent more than 3.5 hour reviewing your past posts in this thread and in previous threads, and what became clear to me, more than before, is that you carry unresolved anger and suspicion with you (from childhood) and you bring this combo into your romantic relationships, with detrimental results.

May 31, 2016, your very first post (I am adding the boldface feature): “I was in a relationship for more than a year… occasionally, I treated her with tantrum or sometime she thought I mistreated her or dismissed her, or possibly disrespected her. I was in fact, a very blunt person…  I did have quite intense temper tantrums…  In the end, my emotions were proven too much for her, and she decided to leave… She seemed to be very frightened of me…  I did slap her… I realize for the cheating itself, it seems that I shouldn’t bear with the guilt. However, as I review my previous interaction with her, I began to feel that I hit a few of the emotionally abusive pattern, for example, I did accuse her for being too sensitive, I did disregard her opinion, I did blame her for things that she seemed to be not doing right, and she did have a feeling that everything that I said was right, and she has lost a part of herself trying to follow my path. I did feel dominating... And from the way she said she needed to leave me, she said she was very scared of me, it just fit the symptoms of someone being abused… I have always thought I was a compassionate and kind person, and I guess that’s where the guilt came from… She seemed to be too scared… emotionally she was very scared already, seeing me in such intense emotions… I know her friends didn’t like me either, apparently because she said I was very harsh on her... she blamed me hurting her through all the accusation, shouting and yelling“.

I want to look at the history of your current (now on a break) relationship. To keep it simple, I’ll refer to her as A. The first time you mentioned A was on Oct 7, 2018: “I recently got quite close with a person, we have been talking mainly on texts for a few months, and we have gone out a few times until she disclosed at some point (I would say with ambiguity at first) that she had girlfriend… Basically when she met me she was on a break/broke up with her partner, and later on , her partner came back to her and they got together…. She, accordingly to her, was in a pretty distanced relationship with her partner… I have a very strong sense of resentment when I suspected that she was going out with her gf… and I don’t feel like this is even legitimate, I am simply not her girlfriend… We are still talking like normal, but I am thinking my resentment might be building up… I think part of her really didn’t want to talk about her partner, just because it also consists of lots of negative emotions, involving betrayal, distanced and hurt…  She did say sorry… I feel I was led on… I feel used, and hurt and angry…  I do like talking to her. But part of me feels angry and upset“.

Oct 8, 2018: “She does respond to me, and she does initiate conversation. Now thinking, it’s not easy for her to know at the back of her mind that I might just cut her off anytime, she could have just said we should cut off. But she did say she felt apologetic and so she would let me decide on it, instead of the other way round. In a way, I appreciate how she is mending this… I attribute a lot of the negative feelings to her having a partner, but I have to say it seems disproportionally strong, given that my friend and I have done nothing that crossed the line“.

Oct 18, 2018:  “I have this anger and sad emotions that gradually flow out, which isn’t good for any kind of relationship, friendship included“.

June 25, 2024: “All sorts of insecurity, sadness, a bit  of anger, lost, helplessness, a bit irritated by the fact that I need to ‘wait’ for one month, a bit lonely as I can’t reach out to her and connect with her as much as I want to/used to. Doubting the intent of the break, she mentioned she needed time to clear her mind and ‘restart’, but  sometime I also double if she just wan to use this time to break up“.

June 26: “Yes, indeed I am suspicious of her… Two days ago, I ran into her,.. from (her) facial expression, I knew very clearly she was suffering. Weirdly that night I felt better, knowing that she is just suffering and may really need some time to think over things”.

June 27: “It’s such a roller coaster ride to have fear anger sad etc., etc.,  and the feeling the love for someone and missing that person dearly… Other than that, I sometime have some overreacting and made her scared, she takes my emotions as her responsibilities and it seems those are too heavy for her. But in fact, my emotions should be mainly my responsibilities, and I will take that as my duty instead“.

July 2: “she might be afraid of making me overreact, and that may be she did not want to trigger me. May be throughout the years, my reaction makes her feel she was at fault all the time, she did mention she didn’t know how to deal with my reaction sometimes… Maybe she has been suffering for a while and honestly I do not want her to be scared and suffer anymore”.

(I can’t find the date): “she mentioned… she had to be on tip toe all the time“, July 5: “I can still sense she is very cautious of what I say and tip toes“.

July 6: “Just now I had an angry feeling. Primarily because after I told her about my mom, she didn’t reach out to check on me. I feel like any ordinary friend would check on me. I thought of breaking up with her just to end things”.

– This July 11 morning, I realize that it’s been difficult for me to think of you, Clara (such a nice, gracious person, here in your treads, a person with so much hurt and fear inside), as an abusive person in a different context, so I rejected that idea. But now, I think that you were indeed abusive in the two relationships you shared about. You were indeed empathetic and kind with both partners.. until you got angry. When angry, suspicion took over, you saw your partner as the guilty one, the one responsible for your suspicion and distrust, and you proceeded to blame, intimidate, dominate and punish the two, as well as repeatedly threatening to end the relationship.

“I am naturally very empathic and sentimental and wants to get close to some ppl, but yet I think somehow I know people can be a source of danger” (July 1, 2024)- seems to me that the two partners you shared about were not really a source of danger to you, but when fearful, you perceived them as a source of danger, and when fear turned to anger, you proceeded to defend yourself (so it felt to you) against the perceived danger, which in reality, translated to abusing your partners.

Seeing that still, during the break, you’ve kept blaming A, getting angry at her, and disrespecting her need for a break from you (a break that you initiated), I think that a reunion between the two of you is a bad idea, and that serious psychotherapy for you is a must before you re-enter a romantic relationship with A, or enter one with a new partner.

July 1-, 2024: “as a child, there was no personal space for myself…  my parents have no sense of privacy, my mom would walk in (the door often has no lock) while I was showering… He (your father)  would force me to go eat breakfast with him but there are times when I didn’t want to, to a point I cried really hard thinking why was he forcing me to do something I didn’t want to… he called me useless and loser… So from young I have learned to hide my emotions“- I imagine that you got very angry when your mother was invading your personal space, and when your father was forcing you to do something you didn’t want to do, and calling you names. You hid/suppressed your valid anger, anger that has been exploding to the surface in the context of romantic relationships.

Back to your recent question: “What do you suggest me to write in the journal?“- you can journal about your anger when your privacy was invaded and when you were abused otherwise, growing up. It will help to resolve that hidden anger (and suspicion and distrust).. that’s not really hidden.

anita

Hi Clara

It is good to hear that you weren’t hurt and feel supported. I say the following with love and for your desire to work on yourself. I’m not trying to criticise, but illuminate issues that you may not be aware of.

I would recommend reading online to learn more about verbal and emotional abuse. It is not just the basic things. Swearing, threats, gaslighting. There are a lot of different behaviours that are considered unhealthy. It is pretty complex. It would be helpful for you to learn about these things.

It may take working with a therapist or a couples counsellor, to work through and figure out all of the more subtle issues in the relationship.

Out of what you have just said. It is both unhealthy for your partner to refuse to talk about issues (for a prolonged period, it is perfectly healthy to delay the discussion for a short time to when it is more suitable) and also for you to ignore her feelings and to discuss them anyway.

The thing about insecurity is, it is not something that your partner can make better long term, they can only provide short term reassurance which doesn’t resolve the problem. The insecurity persists inside you. For example, what triggered this whole situation between you two? Asking your partner if she still had feelings for you. Insecurity. Feelings of insecurity are very difficult for partners to deal with. It may not have been as intense or constant, but these feelings have persisted throughout the relationship to varying degrees.

And of course, your feelings of insecurity are likely a trigger now for your partner because of the difficult first year. Every time you express insecurity, she may be reminded of those issues that occurred between you.

Overreacting when your partner comes home late from work. Insecurity and unhealthy. Working late is pretty common.

It is not a partner’s job to make you feel better about insecurity. It is your job to heal and learn to overcome these feelings.

I went through a situation where my partner was in contact with two long past exes while we started dating. I was in contact with my recent ex when we started dating. Neither of us have problems with insecurity, so neither of us made a fuss about it. We just gave each other the time to work through things. This is the difference between insecurity vs no insecurity. It is not the situation that is bad.

The intense emotions, the insecurity a problem to work on.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Clara: I read your most recent post, not focused enough to reply further, being it’s late here, and I had some red wine. But for now, I want to say: you are a good person, Clara. It’s just that you carry on hurt from long ago, and anger (the thing that follows hurt) takes over, overwhelming. Anger took over me too. I know how it feels. More tomorrow.

anita

Hi Clara

Yes, you are spot on there. It is common for unhealthy behaviours to come out when people are arguing.

It really is complicated and a lot to learn when you were not brought up in a healthy way. It is not your fault that it isn’t intuitive. Parents have to teach children healthy ways to communicate and manage emotions. You were simply not taught these things because your father did not know how to do them for himself.

I was abused as a child and had to learn all of this too. It is hard work, but 100% worth it.

I think that honestly reflecting and learning and growing is a pretty amazing achievement and that is 100% on you as a person. You should be proud of that. I have faith that you will continue to do this and you will reap so many benefits. As Anita said, you are a good person.

Your fears were understandable, but they aren’t entirely logical. They forgot about the situation that you were in, which was sometimes people date someone when they are ready to move on, and they will not return to a partner. For all of your pain and fears, she was never planning on leaving you and going back to her partner. She was just processing the end of the relationship. So in the end, your fears were just fears.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏

Dear Clara

Now that you see that there is a pattern & a root cause for your anger and you appear to be willing to start to actively address the difficulty with emotional regulation.

Whether your current relationship continues or not I hope you will continue with self exploration so that you will have a happier future.

Kind regards

Roberta