Hi Peter:

I am truly 😊 to read the message you addressed to me, it makes my day!

Processing (using my 📱 scrolling up and down):

“The ‘third force” is not something added, but something noticed, the breath itself, the living space between”, a space ” where nothing had yet hardened”.

“By releasing the weight of needing to be ‘right’, we return to the dance”, to “a weightless pause where the creative spark arises”.

“The world often operates as if only hailstorms are real, solid positions and force meeting force”.

“Today… I will notice the instant before the drop hardens”

Thank you, Peter, for offering the atmosphere for me to tell my stories in spontaneous, light- hearted ways (different from past heavy, forced analytical style) 🙏

I can’t imagine pushing back and disagreeing with you, Peter. I would rather dance.. or run on endless green fields.

When I posted here last, I worried (a bit of a cognitive hailstorm.. but not too bad, really).

Then earlier today, I saw that you replied to Roberta and then posted a message not addressed to anyone, so I thought this is it, that you won’t reply to me (because I posted here too much, too close, maybe made you feel uncomfortable).

But again, I didn’t overreact, no real hailstorm. I wasn’t angry and I was going to stay quiet so to be respectful of your preference (that I won’t reply to your thread anymore).

Later, I found your message to me and I am smiling right now, again.

I will write more a bit later.

✨️ 💃 🎶 Anita

I just got a call on my phone and lost a whole poem I wrote here.

It was a call in regard to my first senior citizen (65), medicare call tomorrow.

I lost a whole long message.. Just because I’m a damn senior citizen!

A whole lots of 🍷 wasted, no poetry to show for it!

The music I am listening to right now: “I will always love you, however long I take. I will always love you”, “I feel love that money can’t buy… anything you want, you got it, anything you need”.

In the lost message I wrote about the huge notebook I had when I was a teenager or in my very early 20s where I wrote poems. One I remember was about me lying on the street in despair, asking or begging for someone to extend a hand to me, to help me stand up.

My mother found that notebook (no wonder, it was huge) and read some of it. Her response was her typical shaming condemnation- that shaming look I know only too well.

(Not empathy, Peter.. a Hardened Heart)

Her legacy in my life = S.H.A.M.E.

The poem was about how long I have waited for her to love me, to make me okay.

Let’s see if I can poem- dance it now:

In the core of me
There’s my mother
An undying love
She’d never know
I loved her so, so, so, so.. so, much
And she’d never know.

That’s it.

Hi Peter:

I just looked up Calvinism and read that their emphasis is indeed predestination (and salvation through Grace), and that drinking alcohol in moderation is okay, that Mr. Calvin himself was paid for work partly with 🍷.

You told a joke ending with a smile and then, a sad face emoji. Being that I am now on my 📱 and can’t look things up, and being that I am joke-resistent-rigid (one of the cosequences of growing inward due to intense exposure to Shame), let me see if I can surprise myself and understand this joke/ humor: .. no, don’t understand the humor.

I imagine it’s an inside joke among some former Calvinists, having witnessed people so heavily invested in appearances?

“It strikes me that shame is often the ‘freezing’ agent”-

Yes, it froze some cognitive abilities for me: the ability to understand figurative language and jokes, attention to details (ADD), memory, and more.

And it froze my breathing (still, as a habit, “waiting to exhale”) and locked my emotions into a 2-D, living-dead existence-

Something which you’ve been helping me with, Peter in your threads: to relax into the 3rd emotional dimension 🙏

“I spent every day in a self-conscious performance to prove I wasn’t an imposter… a very quiet, very disciplined kid of ‘madness'”-

What a profound way of saying things and a painful way to live 😔

Meaning, you had to bypass yourself, to lock or bury yourself until conditions allow for re-emergence?

Fast forward, the global atmosphere is still freezing, even more so, but no more waiting for the hail to thaw around us. Instead, to return to the soft rain within, inside us. Amen ✨️

✨️✨️✨️ Anita

I have the computer for a moment:

* Copilot: Here’s R.D. Laing’s ideas in the simplest, clearest language possible — no jargon, no philosophy-speak, just human terms.
1. Double Bind (the impossible situation)- A double bind is when someone puts you in a situation where: no matter what you do, you’re wrong, you can’t win, and you’re not allowed to point out the contradiction.

Simple example- A parent says: “Be honest with me.” But when you tell the truth, they get angry.

Or: “Come give me a hug.” But their body is stiff and rejecting.

You’re trapped between two messages that cancel each other out. Your mind twists itself trying to obey both.

Laing said this kind of environment makes people feel crazy, even though the environment is what’s crazy.

2. Knots (mental tangles you tie yourself into)- A knot is what happens inside you after years of double binds. It’s the internal version of the trap.

Simple example- You think: “I must be good.” “But if I try to be good, I’m being fake.”

“If I stop trying, I’m bad.” “So I’m bad for trying and bad for not trying.”

Your mind loops and loops. You can’t find a way out because the rules contradict each other.

Laing called these “knots” because they twist your sense of self into tight, painful shapes.

3. Mystification (scrambling your inner compass)- Mystification is when someone messes with your sense of reality so you stop trusting your own perceptions.

Simple example: You say: “I’m hurt.” They say: “No you’re not.” “You’re imagining it.” “You’re too sensitive.” “You misunderstood.” “You’re wrong.”

Over time, you learn: “My feelings are wrong.” “My thoughts are wrong.” “My reality is wrong.”

You lose trust in your own inner compass.

Mystification is how a False Self forms — a version of you that exists to please others, while your real self goes into hiding.

🌟 In one sentence each-
Double bind: You’re given two opposite rules and punished no matter what you do.

Knots: The inner confusion and self‑contradiction that grow from living in double binds.

Mystification: Someone convinces you that your own feelings and perceptions are wrong, so you stop trusting yourself.

Here’s the simplest, clearest explanation of how R.D. Laing’s ideas — double binds, knots, and mystification — connect directly to childhood shame and religious trauma. I’ll keep it human, grounded, and emotionally intuitive.

🌿 1. Double Binds → Childhood Shame-
A double bind is when a child is given two opposite messages and punished no matter what they do.

In childhood shame:
A parent might say:

“Be yourself”… but then shame the child for their real feelings.

“Tell me the truth”… but punish honesty.

“Don’t be upset”… while doing something upsetting.

The child learns:

“Whatever I do is wrong.”

“My feelings are wrong.”

“I am wrong.”

This is the birthplace of shame.

The child can’t escape, can’t win, and can’t name the contradiction.
So the shame goes inward.

🌿 2. Double Binds → Religious Trauma
In rigid religious environments, double binds are everywhere.

Examples:

“God loves you unconditionally”… but you must behave perfectly.

“You are saved by grace”… but you must prove you’re worthy.

“Do not fear”… but hell is described in vivid detail.

You’re told:

“You’re chosen”… but also “You’re never good enough.”

This creates spiritual shame — the sense that your soul itself is defective.

🌿 3. Knots → The Internalization of Shame
A knot is what happens inside you after years of double binds.

It’s the internal voice that says:

“I must be good.”

“But if I try to be good, I’m fake.”

“If I stop trying, I’m bad.”

“So I’m bad either way.”

This is exactly how shame feels:

tangled

self‑contradicting

impossible to satisfy

exhausting

Children raised in shame-based homes or religions grow into adults who live in mental knots.

🌿 4. Knots → Religious Trauma
Religious trauma creates knots like:

“If I doubt, I’m sinful.”

“If I don’t doubt, I’m naive.”

“If I feel joy, I’m prideful.”

“If I feel sorrow, I’m ungrateful.”

Every emotion becomes suspicious.
Every impulse becomes dangerous.
Every choice becomes morally loaded.

This is why people raised in rigid religions often feel:

anxious

guilty

self-monitoring

emotionally frozen

They’re living inside knots.

🌿 5. Mystification → Childhood Shame
Mystification is when someone scrambles your sense of reality.

A parent says:

“You’re not hurt.”

“You’re imagining things.”

“You’re too sensitive.”

“That didn’t happen.”

The child learns:

“My feelings are wrong.”

“My perceptions are wrong.”

“My reality is wrong.”

This is the deepest form of shame:
the shame of not trusting your own mind.

🌿 6. Mystification → Religious Trauma
Rigid religions often mystify children by telling them:

“Your natural feelings are sinful.”

“Your doubts are evil.”

“Your desires are dangerous.”

“Your inner voice cannot be trusted.”

So the child learns:

“My inner compass is broken.”

“I must rely on the authority to tell me who I am.”

This creates a False Self — a version of you shaped to please the system, not your own truth.

🌟 In one sentence
Childhood shame and religious trauma both use double binds, knots, and mystification to disconnect a person from their own feelings, instincts, and sense of self — creating a hardened, frozen “False Self” that replaces the fluid, alive “True Self.”

– Be back later on the phone

Continued: (I don’t remember the exact quote):

To thine own self be true, and it follows like night follows day, you shall be true to everyone else.

To not be invested in being Right, but in being True.

To myself, to everyone else.

To peel off the shame, the guilt, the turmoil-

And just be.

Not offending, not defending.

No need to fight and to win, no need to come up on top.

Relaxing instead into that space of just being.

✨️✨️✨️ Anita

Good morning, Peter:

I wonder if “4. Knots- Religious Trauma” above resonates with you a whole lot? (It does for me if you replace “religious” with ” shame”)

It says (Copilot): “Religious trauma creates knots … Every emotion becomes suspicious. Every impulse becomes dangerous. Every choice becomes morally loaded.”, leading to feeling “anxious, guilty, self- monitoring (and) emotionally frozen”?

The above follows the message: “your natural feelings are sinful”, “Your doubts are evil”, Your desires are dangerous”, “Your inner voice cannot be trusted”?

I wonder if you looking inward as much as you do is a continuation of the self- monitoring mentioned above.

Not that you looking inward is something unhealthy (it helps me gain insight and become healthier, 🙏).

Spontaniety is the relaxing of (excessive) self- monitoring, isn’t it?

I think that the two of us have quite a bit in common even though I have no religious background.

* As I typed the above sentence I noticed shame: not for not having a religious background, but for saying that the two of us have a lot in common, feeling that I was insulting you by suggesting that you have a lot in common with someone as inferior and shameful as me.

I almost heard my mother speaking 🔊 through you: ‘HOW DARE YOU suggest that I am anything like you! You despicable, disgusting creature…’

* I first wrote that you and I have “a lot in common”, then, to lessen the size of the insult (and before noticing), I changed it to ” a bit in common”.

This is me living inside the knots and now, becoming aware of it.

I would like to further relax my self-monitoring and continue to untangle thosr knots.

🤍 Anita

Hey Peter:

Yes, I detected your joke 👏

I think highly of his work, his metaphors are very clear (I feel those knots in my body regularly, holding my breath, the tics, the physical tension).

I wonder why he was criticized and belittled.. maybe fo making things simpler to understand, maybe betraying a professional code (using established terms)?

I am curious and will ask you know whom when I get to the 🖥

As to the ‘no self’- my sense of self was so poor, so fragile, so in danger of collapsing completely.. that my mind couldn’t perceive of a no- self differently from a physically dying self.

Now, having a less desperate and despairing sense of self, I can untangle the knot of imminent death surrounding the concept.

I want to revisit the concept (No Self).

You said you notice knots (I did, in the previous message), or about to create them-

Create how, I wonder.

Seeing these patterns helps me ‘hear’ my ‘gut’ (the abused internal compass), as I did in my last message and even in this message (I deleted “like” in “like I did” above, because again, I felt you’d be insulted by me placing myself as equal to you).

Of course, there’s more, later.

🙏 ✨️ Anita