About the things that can be done, I look at them as doable or not doable, at least for my fave people or closest people. If I can do something, I try to do it. Doesn’t matter how stuck I am, how busy I am or how tired. If it’s doable by me, why let that person suffer or, ask that from somebody else and pay for it? I can do it for free, right? Applies to professional help I give to my relatives, things I did for their jobs to work out.

It’s like, common sense?

But they are not necessarily like that and I tend to realize that, and get bitter, in my mind. No reaction, I just feel bitter. But I keep doing it for some time.

In my husband’s case, I might have evaluated my boundaries wrong also. I can see that being able to evaluate your resources, and how to help family friends, it’s his own responsibility to balance that. If he doesn’t get any help from the family, and the other two siblings are getting LOTS of help from the family and living comfortably with that help offering nothing to my husband, only the basic stuff, like we stayed there for a night, and such. That’s something my husband needs to see and act towards.

I mean I don’t get it really, I paid the rent, two rents at the same time when he didn’t work. I paid all the electricity bills when he was not getting any help from the family, at all. Nobody knew from his family that his own flat was in a bad condition, nobody knew the hardships we endured together.

I had to support him because I could. But now, him helping out the family he got no help from? It really makes me upset. I am questioning everything. Don’t ask for anything, they might be unjust, but at least do not give lots of money to them when you don’t have your own flat or like your own bed, but they do. I feel toxic about thinking all these details, really. I shouldn’t have thought about these. But like, I do. I am trying hard to make my own living, lessen my stress and buy some stuff for our house -finally- after all those times where I couldn’t get any thing. In those times, his siblings were decorating their own houses that my partner couldn’t stay and had to stay on my problematic own house risking me to be sued again.

From looking at this angle, I feel like I shouldn’t have endured all those things.

One thing you made me thought about, telling me that maybe some bad thing have happened to her and he had to help out, I asked especially if something happened. He told me that he just saw the things in the refrigerator in her house and felt bad so sent all those money for her to buy good stuff. This made me think also. I stayed hungry because i had no time to cook for so many evenings. The reason why she had those “bad” stuff, was all about the closest market having those “bad” stuff we also ate since our childhood. It might not be the best quality food around, but that’s what I ate for 15 years. The reason why she got those things was not about money, it’s the closest one and she probably doesn’t want to walk for an extra 5 mins that’s all.

This week his other sibling is selling the family car and upgrading to a new one for his own family. My partner didn’t even have a saying on this issue. Everyone is just thinking about themselves and upgrading their life. I cannot get over the fact that his sibling that he helped out that much, is actually buying so much nice stuff for herself that I postpone buying.

Let alone those nice things, the worst thing that gets me thinking and feel bad, feel resentment, is that she has all those free time after work. I literally have zero free time, it has been like this for 2 years, excessively for the last year.

It’s just hurting me.

I feel bad about keeping you busy about something this toxic. Bad thoughts. Really bad ones, and this is what I’ve been thinking.

Fighting with myself in my mind, i feel that.

Sorry to keep you busy with this toxic mentality.