Thank you for saying this, Arden!

anita

Dear Arden:

“About the things that can be done, I look at them as doable or not doable“- you are a very practical person. You categorize tasks into two distinct groups: tasks you think can be accomplished (doable) and tasks you think cannot be accomplished (not doable).

“If I can do something, I try to do it. Doesn’t matter how stuck I am, how busy I am or how tired. If it’s doable by me, why let that person suffer“- you are a selfless, helpful person. You prioritize helping others whenever you have the ability to do so, regardless of your own circumstances or challenges. You believe that if you have the capability to alleviate someone else’s suffering, you should take action, even if it requires personal effort and sacrifice.

“But they are not necessarily like that and I tend to realize that, and get bitter, in my mind. No reaction, I just feel bitter. But I keep doing it for some time“- you acknowledge that others do not share the same level of selflessness and willingness to help as you do, that others do not reciprocate your efforts or show consideration. This realization leads to feelings of bitterness and resentment.

Despite feeling bitter, you choose not to express these feelings outwardly or confront others about it. Instead, you internalize your emotions. And despite the bitterness and lack of reciprocation, you continue to help others. You are grappling with the emotional toll of consistently giving without receiving the same level of consideration in return (not even close to the same level of consideration in return).

It’s easy to point to solutions (open communication with husband and other people, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-care), but it’s very difficult for you to put these solutions into practice, isn’t it?

“In my husband’s case…”– reads like your husband is similar to you, only that he helps his siblings in self-sacrificial ways.. at his- and your expense.

“I had to support him because I could. But now, him helping out the family he got no help from? It really makes me upset… at least do not give lots of money to them when you don’t have your own flat or like your own bed“- reads like you and your husband are too similar: self sacrificial. Only you sacrifice for him while he sacrifices for his siblings.

“Everyone is just thinking about themselves and upgrading their life. I cannot get over the fact that his sibling that he helped out that much, is actually buying so much nice stuff for herself that I postpone buying“- you are expressing feelings of frustration and resentment about inequality in effort and reward, feeling that others, including your husband’s sibling, prioritize their own needs and improvements over those of others. You made personal sacrifices, such as postponing buying nice things, and then seeing the sibling indulge in nice things feels unfair and hurtful.

This situation puts an emotional strain on you, as you struggle to reconcile your own sacrifices with the actions of others who seem to be benefiting without similar sacrifices.

“But for one second, my perspective shifted from ‘victim’ to something else. I am looking at this issue from a victim’s perspective, feeling so much bitterness. I have to work on that victim perspective that occurs when something like this happens. I should never think like a victim“- here, you are expressing self-awareness where you see the situation from a different angle, realizing that your feelings of bitterness and resentment are stemming from viewing yourself as a victim in an unjust situation, a person with no power to change an unjust situation. You recognize the need to address and change this mindset, understanding that it is not helpful or constructive. You want to develop a more empowering and resilient mindset.

“I cannot unsee my feelings, unsee my effort. All this years of effort of mine deserves being prioritized by him. If his sister cannot manage all that money… She should know better, learn better. All my effort should never finance that sort of lazy behavior.“- you feel that your hard work and sacrifices should be recognized and valued by your husband. You want your contributions to be acknowledged and prioritized. You are frustrated that your husband’s sibling, who has received significant help, is not managing her finances responsibly. She believes the sister should be more financially savvy and responsible. You resent that your sacrifices might be enabling his sister’s irresponsible and lazy behavior.

Your feelings are valid, Arden. It’s okay to feel how you feel. Your emotions and efforts are valid and deserve recognition. It is important for you to feel supported and understood. I think that you need to have open and honest conversations with your husband. Express your feelings to him calmly and clearly, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel hurt and overlooked when my efforts are not acknowledged.”

Establish clear boundaries regarding financial support for extended family. It’s okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being. If necessary, and if possible, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor for strategies for effective communication and coping with these feelings.

Engage in activities that bring you some joy and relaxation. Taking care of yourself is crucial, especially during emotionally challenging times.

Reflect on your values and priorities. Understanding what you truly want and need can guide your decisions and actions moving forward.

I hope that your life improves and that peace of mind takes the place of distress and conflict!

anita

Dear Arden:

Thank you so much for your heartfelt message and kind words. I’m truly touched that my poem inspired you, and I would be honored to see it transformed into a piece of art. Your dedication to finding time for creativity amidst your busy life is admirable.

You had a really challenging year, and it’s clear that you’ve been carrying a heavy load, not just with work but with constant worrying and thinking about the future. It’s very important to prioritize your health and well-being, and I’m glad you’re seeking ways to strengthen yourself.

I appreciate your reflections on friendships and self-perception:

* “People are never 100% honest in their friendships… everyone hides many thoughts from one another”-

– It’s true and it’s quite common for people to hide their thoughts. I hope you don’t mind (?), Arden, that I develop this topic. I want to develop it because it would help me, and maybe it will help you too:

Reasons why people hide their thoughts: (1) Social Etiquette/ being polite and promoting harmony. For example, thinking about someone you are talking to: “how unattractive he/ she looks like”, but hiding that thought so to not offend the person and to not create unnecessary tension. Another example: during a family dinner, someone hides his/ her true feelings about a political topic to avoid creating tension or offending relatives,

(2) Emotional Protection: to avoid being judged or hurt. For example, a person has romantic thoughts about a friend but hides those thoughts so to avoid the risk of rejection, and to avoid the potential loss of the friendship. Another example: a person hides his struggles with mental health, so to avoid being judged or stigmatized.

(3) Avoiding Conflict. For example, someone does not voice her disagreement in a group setting to keep the peace. Another example: in a relationship, one partner does not voice their annoyance with the other, so to prevent an argument.

(4) Fear of Rejection. An example: an employee does not share his innovative idea in a meeting, fearing it will be dismissed or ridiculed by colleagues

(5) Privacy. Example: a person keeps his financial struggles, or medical struggles private, choosing to deal with them independently rather than sharing them with friends, family, and/ or coworkers.

(6) Professionalism. Examples: an employee avoids discussing personal political beliefs at work to maintain a professional atmosphere and prevent potential conflicts.

Overall, hiding thoughts to some extent is a universal human behavior. Everyone does it to navigate various social, personal, and professional situations more smoothly. Selective disclosure of thoughts is a necessary and healthy part of everyday human interactions.
Understanding this can help in developing empathy and recognizing that everyone has unspoken thoughts and feelings, just as we do.

Hiding Thoughts is Healthy when it serves to avoid unnecessary conflicts maintain polite interactions with others, fostering a peaceful and cooperative environment, especially in settings where oversharing could be inappropriate or harmful. Also, it allows people to process their thoughts & feelings internally before deciding how, or if, they want to share them with others. In professional settings, discretion is often necessary to maintain a productive and respectful workplace.

Hiding Thoughts is Unhealthy for a person when he/ she does it too much. Emotional suppression on a regular basis, in every context, result in stress, anxiety, or depression, and it leads to a lack of authenticity in personal relationships, creating feelings of isolation. It’s important to find healthy outlets for expressing emotions. When people hide their thoughts to avoid conflict, it can lead to unresolved issues and built-up resentment over time, which can eventually strain relationships and lead to bigger conflicts.

Also, hiding thoughts and avoiding difficult conversations can prevent personal growth and self-improvement. It’s often through open and honest communication that individuals learn and grow.

In summary: it’s important to strike a balance between discretion (hiding our thoughts) and openness (voicing our thoughts). Finding the right time and place to express thoughts, and doing so constructively, can help maintain both personal well-being and healthy relationships. Having trusted individuals or safe spaces where one you can share thoughts openly is crucial. This provides a healthy outlet for emotions and helps build supportive connections. In essence, while hiding thoughts is a normal and often necessary part of social interaction, it’s important to ensure it doesn’t lead to negative emotional consequences or hinder authentic relationships.

* Now, to the people pleasing topic: being a people pleaser, like you expressed, Arden, can stem from a mix of love and fear. Recognizing this is a powerful step toward understanding yourself better. Realizing that people-pleasing is a behavior driven by specific motivations can boost your confidence in your ability to change and grow. With better understanding, you can work toward being more authentic in your relationships. This leads to deeper and more genuine connections with others.

Recognizing the mix of love and fear behind your actions can encourage self-compassion and help you find a balance between helping others and taking care of yourself, developing a more balanced and fulfilling life.

* Your experience with your friend’s request for money illustrates the struggle between wanting to help and feeling used. It’s okay to set boundaries and prioritize your own needs, especially when you’re already dealing with so much. Your decision to protect your self-worth and not feel used is commendable. It’s okay to prioritize your needs and ensure that your relationships are balanced and respectful.

Points: (1) You can practice saying no in a firm but polite manner. Example: “I’m sorry, but I can’t help with that right now”, (2) Express your needs and boundaries directly. Use “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. Example: “I feel overwhelmed when I’m asked to take on extra tasks. I need some time for myself”, (3) Decide what you’re comfortable with and communicate these boundaries clearly. Boundaries help protect your time, energy, and resources. Example: “I can help you, but only for an hour”, (4) Enforce your boundaries consistently. If someone crosses a boundary, remind them of your limits. Example: “I mentioned that I can only assist for an hour. I need to stop now”, (5) Take time for yourself and engage in activities that recharge you. Self-care strengthens your ability to set boundaries and resist being used. Examples: Engaging in hobbies or exercise, (6) Distance yourself from individuals who consistently take advantage of your kindness and focus on relationships where there is mutual respect and support. Healthy relationships involve give and take from both sides. Surround yourself with people who respect and value you.

Wishing you, Arden, a Merry Christmas and an amazing new year filled with happy surprises, peaceful moments, and the company of loved ones. May you find the balance and peace you seek.

anita

Hi Arden,
It’s my observation that helpful people are often not appreciated for there efforts.
It’s a strange phenomenon, but it seems like those who do not offer to help are more respected, or sought after,
than those who go out of their way to do so. Perhaps the person who needs help appreciates it
more from some who does not offer it. It’s very odd.
….. john

Hi Anita,
Clarify it for me? Not really. My suspicion, and it’s only a suspicion, is that people don’t fully appreciate what is given to them readily. They appreciate it more if they have to work (or ask) to get it. This is conclusion from what I’ve seen.
…. john