Thank you for saying this, Arden!

anita

Dear Arden:

“About the things that can be done, I look at them as doable or not doable“- you are a very practical person. You categorize tasks into two distinct groups: tasks you think can be accomplished (doable) and tasks you think cannot be accomplished (not doable).

“If I can do something, I try to do it. Doesn’t matter how stuck I am, how busy I am or how tired. If it’s doable by me, why let that person suffer“- you are a selfless, helpful person. You prioritize helping others whenever you have the ability to do so, regardless of your own circumstances or challenges. You believe that if you have the capability to alleviate someone else’s suffering, you should take action, even if it requires personal effort and sacrifice.

“But they are not necessarily like that and I tend to realize that, and get bitter, in my mind. No reaction, I just feel bitter. But I keep doing it for some time“- you acknowledge that others do not share the same level of selflessness and willingness to help as you do, that others do not reciprocate your efforts or show consideration. This realization leads to feelings of bitterness and resentment.

Despite feeling bitter, you choose not to express these feelings outwardly or confront others about it. Instead, you internalize your emotions. And despite the bitterness and lack of reciprocation, you continue to help others. You are grappling with the emotional toll of consistently giving without receiving the same level of consideration in return (not even close to the same level of consideration in return).

It’s easy to point to solutions (open communication with husband and other people, setting healthy boundaries, and practicing self-care), but it’s very difficult for you to put these solutions into practice, isn’t it?

“In my husband’s case…”– reads like your husband is similar to you, only that he helps his siblings in self-sacrificial ways.. at his- and your expense.

“I had to support him because I could. But now, him helping out the family he got no help from? It really makes me upset… at least do not give lots of money to them when you don’t have your own flat or like your own bed“- reads like you and your husband are too similar: self sacrificial. Only you sacrifice for him while he sacrifices for his siblings.

“Everyone is just thinking about themselves and upgrading their life. I cannot get over the fact that his sibling that he helped out that much, is actually buying so much nice stuff for herself that I postpone buying“- you are expressing feelings of frustration and resentment about inequality in effort and reward, feeling that others, including your husband’s sibling, prioritize their own needs and improvements over those of others. You made personal sacrifices, such as postponing buying nice things, and then seeing the sibling indulge in nice things feels unfair and hurtful.

This situation puts an emotional strain on you, as you struggle to reconcile your own sacrifices with the actions of others who seem to be benefiting without similar sacrifices.

“But for one second, my perspective shifted from ‘victim’ to something else. I am looking at this issue from a victim’s perspective, feeling so much bitterness. I have to work on that victim perspective that occurs when something like this happens. I should never think like a victim“- here, you are expressing self-awareness where you see the situation from a different angle, realizing that your feelings of bitterness and resentment are stemming from viewing yourself as a victim in an unjust situation, a person with no power to change an unjust situation. You recognize the need to address and change this mindset, understanding that it is not helpful or constructive. You want to develop a more empowering and resilient mindset.

“I cannot unsee my feelings, unsee my effort. All this years of effort of mine deserves being prioritized by him. If his sister cannot manage all that money… She should know better, learn better. All my effort should never finance that sort of lazy behavior.“- you feel that your hard work and sacrifices should be recognized and valued by your husband. You want your contributions to be acknowledged and prioritized. You are frustrated that your husband’s sibling, who has received significant help, is not managing her finances responsibly. She believes the sister should be more financially savvy and responsible. You resent that your sacrifices might be enabling his sister’s irresponsible and lazy behavior.

Your feelings are valid, Arden. It’s okay to feel how you feel. Your emotions and efforts are valid and deserve recognition. It is important for you to feel supported and understood. I think that you need to have open and honest conversations with your husband. Express your feelings to him calmly and clearly, using “I” statements to avoid sounding accusatory. For example, “I feel hurt and overlooked when my efforts are not acknowledged.”

Establish clear boundaries regarding financial support for extended family. It’s okay to prioritize your own needs and well-being. If necessary, and if possible, consider seeking the help of a therapist or counselor for strategies for effective communication and coping with these feelings.

Engage in activities that bring you some joy and relaxation. Taking care of yourself is crucial, especially during emotionally challenging times.

Reflect on your values and priorities. Understanding what you truly want and need can guide your decisions and actions moving forward.

I hope that your life improves and that peace of mind takes the place of distress and conflict!

anita