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The phenomenon of “helping someone excessively can make them turn against you”

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  • December 25, 2024 at 5:00 pm #441022
    anita
    Participant

    Dear John: I appreciate it that you answered me. I would like to answer tomorrow morning.

    anita

    December 26, 2024 at 8:12 am #441038
    anita
    Participant

    Dear John:

    “My suspicion, and it’s only a suspicion, is that people don’t fully appreciate what is given to them readily. They appreciate it more if they have to work (or ask) to get it. This is conclusion from what I’ve seen.”-

    – This phenomenon can be related to the concept of scarcity in social psychology. When something is scarce, it often becomes more valuable and desirable; when people have to ask for help or put in effort to receive it, they perceive it as more valuable due to its scarcity.

    This principle of scarcity is used in various fields, including economics (example: Limited edition products are often perceived as more valuable), marketing (example: sales and promotions with time limits or limited stock can create a sense of urgency, making customers more eager to purchase), and in social interactions where attention or affection from someone who is not easily available or constantly present often feels more valuable because it’s perceived as scarce (example: women who are dating are often more attracted to emotionally unavailable or emotionally reserved men than to men who are very attentive and eager).

    When help is readily available and consistently given, it can be perceived as abundant (not at all scarce) and thus, less valuable. People tend to take it for granted, assuming that it will always be there. Conversely, if help is not easily accessible or requires effort to obtain (e.g., asking for it), it often feels more valuable because it is perceived as scarce.

    For those who are consistently helpful, the lack of appreciation can be disheartening. Understanding the principle of scarcity can help realize that the undervaluation of their help is not a reflection of its true worth, but rather a psychological response to its availability.

    Your observation, John, adds an important dimension to understanding why helpfulness sometimes go unappreciated: it’s not just about the frequency of help (leading to the habituation concept I mentioned yesterday), but also about the scarcity concept. Thank you for sharing this perspective.

    anita

    December 26, 2024 at 8:48 am #441039
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Arden:

    I am now more equipped, thanks to John’s insight, to respond to your original post of Sept 15, 2023:

    “I have seen from experience that when you help someone excessively, like helping them in a way that you’re putting more effort than them, this can make them turn against you… I’ve been getting help (actually I haven’t asked for this help)”-

    – You acknowledged that receiving help, especially when it is excessive and unasked for, can create discomfort and even resentment. The scarcity principle suggests that help and support are often more appreciated and valued when they are less accessible or when the receiver has to put in effort to obtain them. In your case, your friend’s constant help felt less valuable because it was so readily available.

    Also, you felt that your friend’s excessive help was disproportionate to your own efforts, creating a sense of imbalance. This imbalance made you feel uncomfortable and possibly resentful. This connects to the “Norm of Reciprocity” concept I mentioned yesterday, referring to the social expectation that people will respond to each other with similar levels of help and kindness.

    Also, in your original post, you expressed a need for personal space and time to process your thoughts and feelings. The constant presence of your friend, despite being helpful, disturbed your sense of independence and autonomy. Personal space and time are valuable because they are often scarce commodities in busy lives. When someone else’s help invades this scarce personal space, it leads to feelings of discomfort and a desire to re-establish boundaries.

    * As I was re-reading the first page of this thread, I felt very appreciative of your words (it was at a time when I returned to tiny buddha after six months of absence). You wrote, Sept 17, 2023: “Hey Anita, are you ‘Anita” Anita?… I never thought you would be back!… I am so surprised! I now felt like a little kid who’s caught eaten lots of chocolates since you’re back!… I still cannot comprehend how you can provide such insights to lots of people, the things you do, and how you do it, it’s like you’re studying the posts and then providing your perspective, which are so brilliant and helpful each time… it’s such a delight seeing/having a conversation with you again. All in all, I feel grateful to have met and contacted you here”- Wow! You were talking about me! Your words are still exciting for me to read 15 months later. Thank you, Arden for your heartwarming words and the big smile you brought to my face- again- this 2024 After-Christmas morning!

    anita

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