I am happy that you re-read them and felt good, I still agree with those words to full extend. You make such connections that only a very good therapist can make and those result in many enlightenments. Also here, the summary of how scare personal space is in busy lives and most times, it’s more valuable than any form of help.. Sometimes we know stuff, but we cannot put that into words, and that affects us regarding seeing that information in our lives or implement them. I had this information in my head somewhere but it was so vague, so raw that it affected how I feel but could not affect how i think about that feeling or take action. Now that I can see why, I understand and can prioritize my personal space better or respect it better. This is one of the most important things in life, I value intellectual dances a lot. I think world would not have any joy in it without the lessons we take from what we see in life, what we feel and what we go through. It would be just tasteless agony then. But understanding it in such a level actually enlightens that agony, gives it a meaning, makes us grow. You help people grow. I think that’s invaluable.

I felt resentment towards that friend, yes. She had her own way of doing things and when she tried to help me, she did things her own way. I don’t like that, i’m a grown person and I like my own stuff and my own ways. When she tried to help me out, she didn’t care that much about how I wanted things, she focused on what she believed was correct. And that’s a limitation in mind that I sometimes cannot tolerate. It can even be about the type of the cheese to buy. It’s hard to communicate, hard to bond with such people. Maybe I am like that in some ways without realizing.

I am trying to understand ego for such a long time I guess, only sporadically. Now I feel like I should understand it more. A little bit better, for my own sake. I need to work with that friend at the moment, as a coincidence. I have been working with her brother for quite a while and I’ve worked my a** off, so proud of that. Worked day and night in order to make it right for a year, now she needs help and me and her brother, trying to have her work also. So we’ve been trying to get her invested into working with us for the last 6 months, motivating her, cause there are no opportunities for her to be employed or work elsewhere. I’m also trying to teach her what I’m able, etc. It was only yesterday that after many months and weeks of trying, she was able to do some work.

I also thought she believed she could be employed in bigger places making her feel better and she kind of looked down on what we did, what we worked on. But now, she has no other solutions and no time to wait and has to work with us. And even with what we do, she has to learn.

I mediated between them when they fought, found the common ground at times. Although she lashed out to me also when she was angry with her brother thinking I was advocating for her brother. And there were no reasons to be angry at him, bcz brother was trying to get her to work, that was the reason. It’s like, she didn’t like being told what to do and doesn’t matter who is doing that, either me or her brother, she got angry and tried to limit us. She cried when things got real, left the room or the house, instead of saying “yes i will commit and we’ll work together”, she found ways to postpone that sentence and also haven’t said no because that would’ve meant losing the support from her brother. She needs her brother to survive abroad, to earn money somehow. To be realistic, she got no skills to work at the moment at a different place. Until she does, she needs him.

Too many weird details, sorry for that. I am at the moment fighting with her ego on working together, trying to have her help me out on some tasks, and hopefully that would enable us to complete more projects and work for more projects resulting in earning just enough income for us.

She is one year older than me, but we don’t feel that in our dynamic. She has completed her bachelors 3 yrs or sth later than me I suppose, so these are the first job experiences she is having which is with her brother. I am guessing this dynamic has destroyed our friendship at last, maybe temporarily but I will not forget this time. Because every time she has created that limit, it resulted in US getting lashed out from the brother at the same time. I have always been stressed out because of her not doing the bare minimum while I have been doing the maximum. She got angry with me a month ago and has not spoken to me as friends since. Only compulsory communication that involves work in some ways. I’ve tried to broke that off, get into her skin and make her a bit softer for a day and then I felt like im done. In the past, she used to do silent treatment to me saying “don’t speak to me again” and then disappearing for weeks, days, months and then I always found a way to break her stance. Maybe not this time. We’re adults now and I am tired.

And now, she has started doing the bare minimum, which should be a “yaay” moment for me. But still it’s not, I am hoping that I wouldn’t be used in this dynamic. Because she still prioritizes her gym, her socializing, just not with me bcz i am too busy (and she has been resented me for that over the last year) and I am trying to check on her always and she does not even give me her daily schedule. Lies when she can, about the free language course she’s taking. So I am at the same time resenting her a little bit, but there is no space for me to express my emotions when all those drama is there between her and her brother. Her brother also resents her for prioritizing socializing and gym things. So it’s not a secret.

It’s like I am fighting with her ego, and that’s why I want to understand ego better. It’s creating issues for me, i can understand why a person would not like to get told what to do from someone her own age, but we’re at this stage because she hasn’t listened to her brother before.

And I don’t want to tricked by my own ego games. Like when she interrupts, I am different now. Before, I used to let her interrupt regardless of what we talked about, our problems or work. But now, I don’t let her interrupt easily, I continue my words with a slightly increased volume when she interrupts. I don’t intend to let her disrespect me anymore, I guess I am out of my tolerance for this specific dynamic. I deserve respect, and if she’s not giving me that, then idk.

But these thoughts might stem from my ego at the same time. So it’s like, when she is replying to me in a egoistic way, it can be like, I am asking her to do something,

She does it, but does not quite do it in the folder I shared instead opening up a new folder or a document, something. Or she does a part of it and then tells me “you can now complete by adding…” like ordering me a part of the task. It’s almost like, her ego finds a way, a small area to feel that satisfaction. I’ve been observing this pattern in her and I tend to reply in the way I find pragmatic. Like, “I have no time to check, can you make sure you add that? I leave responsibility to you, please lead this task” etc. etc…

I feel like I don’t want to be a hallway for her ego to exist, I wouldn’t want to get even more tired and also have my own ego to feel bruised there? Over something that I feel right about.

Weird dramas, weird situations but I am trying to believe that all my efforts will have results but in the same time I am losing my friends one by one.