B,

From the Business Insider website:
…the common psychological theory that we are attracted to people who remind us of our parents. If their relationship was abusive, or you were always seeking approval as a child, you may look for a partner with those same traits because you’re trying to heal wounds from the past, she says.

Narcissistic behavior may seem “normal” in these cases because you might be accustomed to being treated badly by those you love. Anything familiar, whether good or bad, feels comfortable, Ward says. The problem is that a comfortable relationship isn’t the same as a healthy one, and narcissists are unlikely to give you what you need on a long-term basis.

According to Ward, narcissists often seek out sensitive, kind people, because they can use their empathy to take advantage of them.
Mark

Dear B,

I agree with all Valora’s comments above.

He’s never going to change, you know that. But I know you want to hope and believe that you can change him, or that, with your help, he will change himself. Hoping that things are going to change is futile with a person like that. It doesn’t stop you from hoping that things will change though and that’s your weakness. He knows you have this weakness, and this is the thing he is relying on to get back into your life again.

He might try to change, he might look as though he is changing… for a while. Soon things will be right back to where you started.  Because these people are incapable of change.

Jay x

Hi B,

He could be a narcissist, OR he could be merely a player. When we label someone as a “narc”, that’s all there is, that explains (somehow) everything. But if he’s just some guy, that’s even more insulting.

Choose to be insulted. Out of literally anyone else on the planet, he runs to your arms for you to comfort him? Seriously? Where is your friggin’ trip to Dubai? As a matter of fact, where is my trip to Dubai?? Inky says everyone deserves a trip to Dubai!!

In fact, tell him, “I know I’m not new or anything, but I could really help you if we’re someplace alone, without your mother. Like Dubai.”

True story: One of my step-brothers has somehow kept the same three women as rotating girlfriends for the past thirty years. He’s not a narc, either. He’s just (insert name here).

I think you know by now to gently laugh at him and move on with a nice new boyfriend. Key word new.

Best,

Inky

• This reply was modified 5 years, 7 months ago by Inky.

Hi B,

Maybe you need to focus on why you would allow someone to treat you as an option. Instead of focusing on trying to understand him you should take the time to understand yourself. Why would you let someone who cheats and lies return back to your life? What is it about you that makes you crave the attention from someone who discards you. You will learn a lot more and hopefully find some wisdom by focusing on yourself, rather than trying to understand the actions of your ex.

Good luck

Dear B:

You are welcome. If “just writing on here can make everything seems so much better”, please keep posting.

You wrote: “I am not a stupid person”. Your sentence reminds me a line I heard in the movie Forrest Gump, “stupid is as stupid does”

– lots and lots of very intelligent people with very high IQs are stupid people much of the time.

What matters at the end of the day really is not what grade we would get on an IQ test; what matters is if what we choose to do benefit us, or harms us?

I hope we all un-stupefy ourselves.

anita

Hi B,

There’s a feeling of wanting to move on and grow from your last post. You wrote “I hope one day I will just be free mind body and soul of anything to do with him.” The good news is that you can, however, there’s effort and training required to slowly free yourself from any mental defilements that you are experiencing, which will help you navigate the troubles of life.

You hear many people on here say that you need to let go and you’re attached. But I feel many don’t understand what exactly that means. I’d like to invite you to take a step and listen to a talk on YT from a monk, Ajahn Brahm titled “How to deal with abusive relationships.” Keep an open mind when you hear this. Also I hope you take the steps to learn about yourself, because the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. If you cannot have one with yourself, how will you with someone else.

good luck