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The return of a narcissit

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This topic contains 12 replies, has 7 voices, and was last updated by  B 7 hours, 48 minutes ago.

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  • #284313

    B
    Participant

    Why is it Narcissists actually never leave? They always seem to be around…

    What is it with narcissist people? why do they always feel the need to cheat & lie continuously and drag everyone into there mayhem, instead of being honest?

    How did they become like this?

    I honestly can not figure it out…

    The narcissist in my life returned once again this weekend along with his mother whom I guess may also be a narc.

    He turned up late Friday night claiming his new supply has mental health issues etc he can’t cope, he needs her to change when in actual fact I know its him who needs to change. Yet once again I let him in with open arms, advising him, encouraging him to amend to make things better for himself etc.

    Then the mother calls randomly asking me for my help on how to get her son my ex the narc to leave his new supply as she is “no good” even thou I know her son is no better.

    He meet his new supply not long after me, i suspect he meet her while he was with me to be honest. Showered her will love affection gifts trips to Dubai etc. Moved on pretty quick like they usual do, got his own place with her, she does not work. He doesn’t either he makes a living being a scum bag! but the mom doesn’t seem to acknowledge that side.

    Whilst when he was with me, I payed for the apartments, bills etc now his took responsibility of spending his own money.

    How can he do all this for her? yet treated me like sh%t

    Its literally a story I can’t even figure out to be able to tell everyone.

    what can I do? Now I feel rejected once again, as I know he’ll be straight back to her once she learns her lesson. i’ll be discarded till next time…

    I know I should not feel anything for the narc, nor should I be even having contact with him.

    I HATE GETTING SUCKERED IN BY HIM!!

    B

     

    #284317

    Mark
    Participant

    B,

    From the Business Insider website:
    …the common psychological theory that we are attracted to people who remind us of our parents. If their relationship was abusive, or you were always seeking approval as a child, you may look for a partner with those same traits because you’re trying to heal wounds from the past, she says.

    Narcissistic behavior may seem “normal” in these cases because you might be accustomed to being treated badly by those you love. Anything familiar, whether good or bad, feels comfortable, Ward says. The problem is that a comfortable relationship isn’t the same as a healthy one, and narcissists are unlikely to give you what you need on a long-term basis.

    According to Ward, narcissists often seek out sensitive, kind people, because they can use their empathy to take advantage of them.
    Mark

    #284341

    Valora
    Participant

    Really, there’s no point in trying to understand why narcissists are the way they are. It’s a legitimate personality disorder that is unlikely to change… and lots of times, I’m noticing that they have at least one parent that is very enabling. Sounds like his mom is his enabler. That’s also unlikely to change because neither one sees anything wrong with his behavior.

    You just need to stop letting yourself get sucked in. You know better at this point, right?  No matter what you feel for him, you know your life is better off without him in it, so that is a boundary you must set for yourself and stick to it. Push HIM out before he pushes you out.

    #284391

    JayJay
    Participant

    Dear B,

    I agree with all Valora’s comments above.

    He’s never going to change, you know that. But I know you want to hope and believe that you can change him, or that, with your help, he will change himself. Hoping that things are going to change is futile with a person like that. It doesn’t stop you from hoping that things will change though and that’s your weakness. He knows you have this weakness, and this is the thing he is relying on to get back into your life again.

    He might try to change, he might look as though he is changing… for a while. Soon things will be right back to where you started.  Because these people are incapable of change.

    Jay x

     

    #284393

    anita
    Participant

    Dear B:

    I will summarize your story from your two threads and then ask you if I summarized it accurately. Following your response, I would like to reply further.

    Your story: your father left your childhood home when you were one but visited you and your mother there regularly on weekends. You have a vivid memory of him intoxicated and becoming violent and aggressive with your mother when you were six or seven.

    Sometime later your mother married another man, “this horrible guy (who) actually hated me… He would often leave my mum for periods at a time, leaving my mom devastated. Me and my mum’s husband would often clash as I would stick up for mum”.

    When you turned 18 you met a 21 year old man and figured “it was the perfect excuse to leave”, and you left and moved in to the home of your 21 year old boyfriend’s parents. You lived there for a year, during which time he was violent and controlling (you didn’t specify in what ways). You didn’t tell your mother about it because she was divorcing her husband and you didn’t want to burden her with your troubles, “I didn’t want to put anymore pressure, hurt or shame onto her. I kept it to myself. I could see she was already broken”.

    At some point you saw a therapist who did not meet your boyfriend, did not interview him, asking him questions and so forth, but she diagnosed him nonetheless as a Narcissist. You looked online and figured he is a Narcissist, and therefore you refer to him as “a narc”.

    When you were about 19, you left the home of your boyfriend’s parents and moved to your own apartment in the city center. Next you allowed your boyfriend to move in with you, paying the bills yourself. Some time later he was no longer living with you and he got a new girlfriend but the two of you kept seeing each other intimately from time to time.

    Most recently (you are now 24), he and his mother approached you, he (unemployed and making money as “a scum bag”), told you that his girlfriend has mental health issues and his mother asked you to cause her son to leave his girlfriend. Your response, five days ago, was to “let him in with open arms, advising him, encouraging him to amend to make things better for himself etc.”

    Is my summary accurate?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  anita.
    #284451

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi B,

    He could be a narcissist, OR he could be merely a player. When we label someone as a “narc”, that’s all there is, that explains (somehow) everything. But if he’s just some guy, that’s even more insulting.

    Choose to be insulted. Out of literally anyone else on the planet, he runs to your arms for you to comfort him? Seriously? Where is your friggin’ trip to Dubai? As a matter of fact, where is my trip to Dubai?? Inky says everyone deserves a trip to Dubai!!

    In fact, tell him, “I know I’m not new or anything, but I could really help you if we’re someplace alone, without your mother. Like Dubai.”

    True story: One of my step-brothers has somehow kept the same three women as rotating girlfriends for the past thirty years. He’s not a narc, either. He’s just (insert name here).

    I think you know by now to gently laugh at him and move on with a nice new boyfriend. Key word new.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Inky.
    #284639

    Mark
    Participant

    I wonder why my response has been flagged to be reviewed before it shows up?

    I have responded on March 12 and still has not been moderated or posted yet.

    • This reply was modified 6 days, 8 hours ago by  Mark.
    #284667

    Danny
    Participant

    Hi B,

    Maybe you need to focus on why you would allow someone to treat you as an option. Instead of focusing on trying to understand him you should take the time to understand yourself. Why would you let someone who cheats and lies return back to your life? What is it about you that makes you crave the attention from someone who discards you. You will learn a lot more and hopefully find some wisdom by focusing on yourself, rather than trying to understand the actions of your ex.

    Good luck

     

    #285187

    B
    Participant

    Hi Guys,

    I have avoided coming on here for a few days, well not just on here the net in general, so that I dont stalk him or her.

    Everything everyone says is so right, I just find it hard to believe. My mind gets so consumed by the thought of him whether it is good or bad. I have been totally thrown of the map by him. I know I shouldn’t expect anything else, this is what he is.

    Still hurts never the less.

    I am totally sick in trying to figure him out after so long. I am so sick of the situation but still find it hard to move on and forget something that no longer matters. I think I want answers, or some kind of satisfaction in knowing eventually he will get what he deserves. Maybe he never will. I cannot quite understand how one person can inflict some much pain, so much hurt and misery and stroll though life without a care in the world.

    I am not a stupid person, I have continuously read online about people like him yet, it still has not sunk in.

    I hope one day I will just be free mind body and soul of anything to do with him.

    I hope you are all well and thank you for your support, sometimes just writing on here can make everything seem so much better.

    Hope you all receive this well.

     

    B

    #285193

    anita
    Participant

    Dear B:

    You are welcome. If “just writing on here can make everything seems so much better”, please keep posting.

    You wrote: “I am not a stupid person”. Your sentence reminds me a line I heard in the movie Forrest Gump, “stupid is as stupid does”

    – lots and lots of very intelligent people with very high IQs are stupid people much of the time.

    What matters at the end of the day really is not what grade we would get on an IQ test; what matters is if what we choose to do benefit us, or harms us?

    I hope we all un-stupefy ourselves.

    anita

    #285273

    Valora
    Participant

    Hi, B.

    I agree with what Anita said.

    Also, even though you’re finding it hard to move on, just remind yourself that it takes time. You have an attachment to him that you need to break, and not having anything at all will help you to break it, but it will take time. So be gentle with yourself, keep your distance, and give yourself time. Keep yourself free and open to meet someone who will treat you right.

    #285339

    Danny
    Participant

    Hi B,

    There’s a feeling of wanting to move on and grow from your last post. You wrote “I hope one day I will just be free mind body and soul of anything to do with him.” The good news is that you can, however, there’s effort and training required to slowly free yourself from any mental defilements that you are experiencing, which will help you navigate the troubles of life.

    You hear many people on here say that you need to let go and you’re attached. But I feel many don’t understand what exactly that means. I’d like to invite you to take a step and listen to a talk on YT from a monk, Ajahn Brahm titled “How to deal with abusive relationships.” Keep an open mind when you hear this. Also I hope you take the steps to learn about yourself, because the most important relationship you’ll ever have is the one you have with yourself. If you cannot have one with yourself, how will you with someone else.

     

    good luck

    #285489

    B
    Participant

    Hi Everyone,

    Thank you for all taking the time to respond to my post, the narc has avoided contact for two weeks, BUT the mother returned today with the sister.

    Having no contact with the narc gives me some sort of peace but I know he will return eventually. God knows when or what for? They are never far behind and that is why you are always waiting?

    I don’t understand why the mom or the sister are contacting me, are they being genuine? or are the using to me for the purpose?

    Its horrible never knowing what someone else’s attentions are?

    I honestly try and try to keep going being positive, I have even listened to the recommendation “YT from a monk, Ajahn Brahm titled “How to deal with abusive relationships.”

    What a beautiful peaceful thing to listen to while your mind runs wiled.  Its so nice for the mind to stop speaking to its self and listen to something useful. I drifted off to sleep last night.

    When I wake he returns, or the family have.

    I hope you are all well, I hope your live is treating you with kindness and love I am so grateful from the bottom of my heart to be able to write on here even when I can not find the words to make sense to myself

    Loving you always B

     

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