“They would only accept you if you were white”...he said.

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This topic has 5 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

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September 3, 2018 at 7:10 am #224145

Yogalover
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Thank you in advance to anyone who will take time to read this and maybe even reply.
Av been in a relationship with my indian boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We are both going to be doctors and i love him very much. We compliment each other so well and we have helped each other grow and become better people in so many ways. My parents know about him but he is unable to tell his family about me. Reason being I am black. ( am 100% African)…recently he told me that his family can never accept me and they will only accept this relationship if I was white..they look down on black people and he even stated that in their eyes I am not beautiful enough Because of my skin…this has troubled me ever since I heard it…I am beginning to think that maybe I should just break up with this guy…although then said those are only his parents views and he loves me and wants to be with me…when I asked him about our future he said we can live together in a country away from his parents but he doesn’t think he will ever be strong enough to tell them the truth…am so torn… because I don’t want to end up hating the person that I am or developing self esteem issues because of this. I have always been comfortable with myself and I actually really love the way that I look but after hearing those words I keep finding myself looking at girls who are white and thinking if I looked like them then maybe things will be easier.. (which are thoughts that never crossed my mind before)…

what should I do?…..

September 3, 2018 at 8:41 am #224195

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Yogalover:

“what should I do?”

My answer: break up with him.

My reason: when he told you that “those are only his parents views and he loves (you) and wants to be with (you)”- these are not really “only his parents views”. Part of him views you in his way, but part of him views you their way. Our parents have mental representative in our brains, and their mental representative sees you as inferior to white women.

There is nothing you can do about this reality. He loves you and thinks you are beautiful, but he also loves his parents and it is his parents that were present during the formative years of his life, therefore they keep .. speaking to him no matter how far he lives away from them.

If he already told them about you and stated to them: this is my woman regardless of what you think or want for me, my answer would be different. But he told you instead that he will keep you as a secret.

What do you think/feel?

anita

September 3, 2018 at 6:09 pm #224225

Mark
Participant

Yogalover,

If he cannot fully accept you despite his parents’ attitudes then you two are not compatible.

Love him from a distance and as a friend but he has told you, in so many words, that he will not be the strong partner that you need. For me, I require my life long, romantic partner to be a true partner, i.e. someone that has my back, that advocates for me, that totally accepts me and is proud of me. This is not him.

Mark

September 4, 2018 at 11:18 am #224309

Michelle
Participant

I’m going to be blunt — he would STILL keep you a secret if you were white. This relationship will not go anywhere and you may end up spending years of your life in a situation in which you will feel nothing but heartbreak in the end.

As someone (white) who was involved with an Indian man for two years, and listened to his constant proclamations of love and asking me to marry him, when the time came, he told me it would never happen because his parents want him to marry a virgin Hindu girl from the same caste. There was no negotiation. My feelings and what we shared meant nothing in the end. He got married two months after this conversation to someone that was more palatable to his parents and their society.

Please do yourself a favour and read more on dating Indian men in an interracial relationship. There are patterns to this. No story is unique but they all have a similar thread running through them. Here is a good starting page:

http://madh-mama.blogspot.com/2015/07/when-your-indian-boyfriend-leaves-you_31.html

Indian culture is nothing like ours and needs to be studied a bit before deciding to get involved in it. Trust me, I wish I had done this.

September 5, 2018 at 2:28 am #224375

Prash
Participant

Dear yogalover,

It appears as if he thinks his parents are shallow in their mentality.

If he has made you feel low and not done anything concrete to make you feel better, moving away from him is your best option. You wrote about helping each others’ growth. If his growth has not helped him to stand up to his parents for you, then again he is not good news for you.

Never let anyone affect your self esteem.

Take care

September 5, 2018 at 5:54 am #224385

Anonymous
Inactive

Hi,

I understand your situation. To me, it sounds like anita was right, there is a part of him that also believes this, otherwise he would have stood up to his parents and would fight for his love, he would be mentally independent to make his own choices about his life partner. If he is willing to keep you a secret and by doing so, make his parents happy, who is he putting first here? Coming in first with a man like that will be a tough battle to win.

Don’t let this opinion affect your self-image or self-esteem. I know it is hard to not take personally, but trust me when I say that I have seen this common sweeping judgement across many elder generations from an Indian background (where I also come from). And furthermore, this is before his parents have actually met you? Sounds like his own opinion again… If so, you don’t need a man who knocks your esteem this way.

Love your unique beauty and find someone who truly loves every part of you.

Best wishes,

Afrin
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