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Things were going great, all of a sudden she needs space and wants to break up?

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This topic contains 21 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Peggy 1 week, 6 days ago.

Viewing 7 posts - 16 through 22 (of 22 total)
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  • #310601

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Alecsee,

    I have read all the posts as well.  Sorry to disappoint you but I don’t have a magic wand to wave that will make it all better.  This is a very short term relationship and you have really been expecting your ex girlfriend to fit into a box that you approve of.  She might very well have been giving you mixed messages but we only have one side of the story.

    She should address issues the day they arise!!  How many people can you honestly say do that?  Unrealistic.  If only she’d have told you she was getting upset, you’d have made it all better.  Communication happens on the level of body language, silence, facial expressions, closed doors and so on.

    If you meet another introvert you will know exactly how to deal with it!  You will love her unconditionally knowing that you cannot fix all the quirks that she might contain.  You will recognize that she is a unique individual who has chosen to be with you.  You will accept her exactly as she is knowing that in your eyes she is still perfect.

    Perhaps what you should really do is take a good long hard look at yourself and ask yourself why you can’t accept people as they are, because you sure as hailstones can’t accept what this woman has said to you with no mixed messages involved.  If she thinks that she cannot meet your needs then you’ve made her feel inferior in some way.  Work on that!

    As for winning her heart back, did she really have yours?

    I hope I’m wrong and one day you’ll rekindle your lost passions and live happily ever after together.  Perhaps by then you’ll be able to be more honest with yourself and stop dumping all the blame on to this poor woman.

    Peggy

     

    #310927

    Alecsee
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: left;”>I appreciate your answers Peggy. And for taking the time to write a response. I dont think people have 4 year relationships without being able to communicate and pick up on their partner’s habits. I do feel like I can pick up on a person’s vibes and can read their body language… but the two times I have attempted to interact with introverts on a more intimate level, I have encountered much difficulty in reading them. I should rephrase. They were introverts who don’t display their emotions visually or through facial or body expressions. They seem nonchalant and indifferent on most things. You can’t tell what they are thinking cuz they might be spacing out or not 100 in this world? They have identical reactions to different things and that makes them difficult to read. I am an ex extrovert gone 75% introverted because I like my own company and when presented with being social, I have no problem. My tone might sound smug or cocky but this is the reality. And it’s because of their poor social skills. I was very understanding. But Making people wait hrs while not alerting them and holding a grudge comment over the course of 3 months and letting issues that bothered roll over and never address them shows poor communication skills. And relationships don’t work out if theres no communication. So I know why things failed</p>
    Because problems become bigger because they aren’t addressed. She held everything in. How do i know that my comment bothered her when her reaction was pretty much no reaction. So my question is why not address issues even within a week of happening. No communication, no worky. Ofc i had my faults but I was pretty patient. If this was someone i didnt care about i would not tolerate waiting 3 hrs for an arrival. If i didn’t have as much free time (i was part time at the time) then i wouldn’t hace3 tolerated it either. I did care for her, she gained my heart i grew close to her family pets and helped her try to get a better job because she always claimed she wished she had a better job. We both had our ghosts of our pasts. I was treating her with the affection and attention that my ex gf of 4yrs desired and criticized me for and my recent gf (now ex) projected her ex’s asshole behavior to me without realizing it. Maybe she felt guilt. She said that her ex would call her to the city 40 min away AND make her wait hours and then send her HOME and cancel plans. This happened several times to her. With me she never cancelled plans but she did make me wait. I was understanding of her and accepted it. Addressed it a few times. She might have seen it as me telling her what to do. The point is the analysis was there. It could have been easily solved and worked together. This is what I think. I was trying to find reason as to why things didn’t work out and the answer is in the above statements and in the lack of communication. Plain and simple. It’s just hard when something takes a 180. And very little explanation is given. It’s hard to adjust so quickly IMO so i just blame myself harshly but I can see now that we were just living in our past and were clicking fine until our ghosts were annoying the other.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks ago by  Alecsee.
    #310931

    Alecsee
    Participant

    I am trying to keep cordial and civil by still wanting to be friends by not burning bridges but it might be too early. I suggest that because If i have a shot later i would like to work it out.

     

    And i know my analysis might seem rough but it’s cuz it’s the truth

    #310969

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Alecsee,

    I get what you are saying, I really do!

    Why didn’t she address the issues she had with you?  Fear.

    For you, the problems in the relationship could be easily solved if you had worked together and communicated more effectively.  They might have been but your ex girlfriend wasn’t ready for this.

    Problems don’t become bigger if they are not addressed, they become bigger when they are focused upon.

    It sounds to me as if you would be better off forming a relationship with someone who isn’t introverted.

    I hope you can come to terms with what has happened and find peace within yourself.

    Peggy

    #311035

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alecsee:

    You complained that this woman is “holding everything in”, that “relationships don’t work out if there’s no communication”. You asked: “how can I know I am making mistakes if I’m not told?… why not address issues even within a week of  happening. No communication, no worky”.

    It is difficult for any person to confront an angry person; we all fear angry people and want to avoid their angry outbursts.

    I don’t think that she didn’t communicate with you honestly because she is introverted, but because you are an angry man. Here are your own words indicating your anger from your  previous March thread regarding your former long distance relationship (the angry indications are in bold letters):

    “I have just read a guide that told  me how to win my ex back. On the guide it said not to  call your ex so many times, be aggressive or pushy..I have already completed the mistakes.. i started getting constantly mad at her a lot and taking it out on her …she sees me as this angry guy.. I got jealous and started calling a lot… i also pushed her by saying if she slept with him, i will see her as a slut…I have had little outbursts of being emotional just as things start to patch up. Im ready to stop…Recently i have had weekly emotional outbursts but thankfully she still talks ti me.. There was also the time where i stood her up when i visited…the emotional outbursts are when i can’t take it and i start being aggressive..Just saying stuff that makes her put her defenses up and causes argument. But it works”.

    And indications of  your anger in your second thread and new relationship:

    “Up until 2 weeks ago, everything was fine, until an argument that  could have been avoided on my end if I had not had a small emotional outburst .. I didn’t mean to sound controlling .. this was a small mini argument, and it arose from me missing two crucial texts.. I perhaps need to be less<b> pushy”</b>.

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 week, 6 days ago by  anita.
    #311063

    Alecsee
    Participant

    In the first half of 2018, I was an angry individual because of my job. In 2019 i tried to please my ex and mold myself into her needs because I wanted to show her that I was someone with whom she could have spend with her life with. Things didnt work out but my ex of 4 yrs word’s stuck with me. “You never gave me attention or were that affectionate”. So I carried that to the next relationship without realizing it… and this gf needed space. She was an introvert and needed to recharge. After 2/3 months of not being official, once we became official things started to change in my mind, I wanted to give her more love and attention, while before I wasnt but to my introverted ex, not really prioritizing her was the perfect balance for her socially and work and self care wise. She mentioned that growing up, her parents didnt really raise her, they were too busy doing other stuff. They gave her some toys and practically just fed her. So i guess attention and affection is something she wasnt used to. She seeemed fine with it until the late stage. So it makes sense. But she took everything fine, it was that final month of being in a relationship and me not working that much that led to this path.

    I am not angry, we had one normal argument as a couple and mentally she couldnt handle it along with everything she held inside herself. Shes emotionally fragile (which is not a bad thing) im not going to beat myself up for something that was going to happen, we were both under a lot of stress.

    She is probably afraid of getting someone upset because her dad mentally abused her when he drank so tries her best to avoid confrotation and avoid any sort of response. My ex gf stuck with me during one of the lowest points in my life. I was angry at the world during the 1st 6 monts of 2018. After that i learned to be more calm and patient and I did a lot of medidation. So i dont think I was angry. I had a simple discussion with her, a simple argument and she was unable to cope with that. Thats normal in a relationship . In 2018, i was mad that i was being bothered. Now, I just addressed an issue. So no parties can be blamed

     

     

    I appreciate everyones help and input. Ive learned a lot but sometimes when you care you tend to perhaps go a little above and beyond and I was too intense

     

    It just sucks because we promised each other we would do all these wild sexual things ive never experienced (unprotected sex, a threesome, and halloween roleplay) and it sucks not being to carry those out. Thats probably why I am sad and why i am regretting and why i cannot let go cuz it was so sudden and my brain couldnt process. We both have ghosts of the pasts that didnt mesh with this relationship. It’s just kind of curious that the relationship work best when my 100% wasn’t in it. That is what worked for her since she wasn’t so used to the attention and affection. But also my ex’s wishes should have stayed with my ex not with the relationship I establish with the introverted gf. The sexual part is maybe 40% of it but I grew to care about this person a lot in a matter of 4 months. She pick me up from a tough spot in my life and I was more vulnerable at that time because I had given it my all with my ex of 4 years. So I was susceptible and maybe more selfish and didn’t appreciate what I had, but it was when I did want to be more affectionate and give more attention when everything went downhill. It was circumstantial I also wasn’t working much of the time and I was just focusing I’m hanging out with her so I can understand. Whatever happens, I know the reason why things happened. I hope we can be friends with her or something more in these coming months. She has helped me a lot. And that’s why I want to help her. Whatever way I can. Thank you guys, I really appreciate it

    #311095

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Alecsee,

    One word of advice – throw away the rule book.  Everyone is different.  Every relationship you ever enter into will be different.  The ending of this short term relationship, four months, has really got you steamed up, hot under the collar, angry.  No-one likes rejection.  This woman has let you down by not having unprotected sex and a threesome!  Why would that feel to her like you were motivated by love – she thinks you just want her for sex, remember.  I don’t know where she got it from, do you?

    She doesn’t want your help – you are out of her life!  There’s no way you can help her.  You can help yourself by putting your failed relationships behind you and finding other activities to fill your time instead of dwelling on the past.  The only time you have is now so start living in the present.

    Peggy

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