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Things were going great, all of a sudden she needs space and wants to break up?

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This topic contains 21 replies, has 6 voices, and was last updated by  Peggy 1 week, 5 days ago.

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  • #309859

    Alecsee
    Participant
    1. Hi all,

    First of all, I want to mention, that about a year ago, I got out of a four-year serious relationship. I try my best to get her back but it wasn’t enough. I put so much time into doing that. So much, that maybe I started to expect pppl to give me a lot of attention. I dont know

    But, I was able to move and meet my current girlfriend. That is after 2.5 months of fwb and 2 months of a relationship she says she needs space. Then wants to work it out. But finally she decided to break up after having an upcoming event that me and her and her friends were going to attend.  At the end of the day I went a little earlier to the event and she went the following day

    The best way I can describe her is that she is a mediator and an introvert. She has a job in customer service that she doesn’t like and drains her a lot since she doesn’t like to deal with ppl. Been 4 years at this place. She has a verbally abusive father that makes her feel like crap telling her she’s not good enough when he drinks. And she has a lot of self doubt, self esteem issues and just sometimes fragile emotionally.

    To her I’ve been needy I guess. Up until 2 weeks ago, everything was fine, until an argument that  could have been avoided on my end if I had not had a small emotional outburst and read more carefully what she was saying. She just said she wanted time to herself and her friends and felt like she wasn’t doing that. I was fine with that, we talked it out. She also mentioned that she felt like i just wanted to be with her for sex. And that sometimes she didnt want to have sex. I respected that. She felt like she needed sex therapy.

    Now the interesting thing about this is that maybe in the first 3 months, she always was down to make love. She would talk really dirty and that really enticed me because i had always wanted to try new things. We discussed that we would try them. And then theres the 360 thoughts. I just don’t get it

    I know i need to give her space. And i have but the

    But the thing is i am not used to be being ignored. And especially if she does something questionable, I always wanna discuss cuz I feel like communication is important. She tends to put things off. I think that’s from her ex and past  relationship, where like I would make her wait hours before he would actually meet up with her and sometimes even cancel on her. She would never cancel on me but she would make me wait some our sometimes she say I would come at 5 and she actually came at 8 or 9. I understood that  she needed to chill out after work I needed some time to herself so I was okay with it.

    Not for me and my past relationship I did so much for my ex-girlfriend and I got nothing out of it because eventually she moved on and I tried to win her back but I didn’t succeed.

    but maybe because of that I expect a lot from people including her. I don’t mean to do it but I feel like maybe we were moving at a fast pace. I really tried to help her out by offering her a 2 month rent free stay at my place while she figure it out her situation at home and so that she could get away from her dad.  I also helped the right resume so she can try to get another job and she just kept leaving it.  I don’t know if it’s a combination of all these things too stressed out it’s hard to tell but sometimes she does things that our little things but sometimes I consider them important things.

    I forgot sample I asked her to bring something over and she forgets. It can happen I know but sometimes it happens frequently

    I have communicated this to her

    I feel like the ghost of our past relationships are catching up with us. ANY THOUGHTS OR OPINIONS are greatly appreciated! Is there hope? She ended the relationship by saying that I was a nice guy and she thought that  she hoped that i would  find someone  that would meet my needs.

    Is she just saying that just to say that or maybe she has so much going on that I’m the easiest thing to let go.  I really want to work it out because I

    Feel like we could really help each other out at this point in our lives. She was working out before and now she isn’t working out with her guy friend and she asked me if she could work out with him still and I got a little upset over the fact that he let her drink too much the last time we all went out. I was busy playing in a band. I didn’t mean to sound controlling and I hate people who control other people. I feel like everyone should be free to do what they like in a relationship as long as it doesn’t hurt the other person. So  maybe she took that as a sign that I was trying to control her and keep her away from her friends I don’t know? Thank you guys and your thoughts would greatly be appreciated!

    • This topic was modified 3 weeks ago by  Alecsee.
    • This topic was modified 3 weeks ago by  Alecsee.
    #309865

    Mark
    Participant

    Alecsee,

    Interesting that you said that the ghosts of both your past relationships are haunting both of you.  That tells me that neither of you really processed, examined or learned from them.  What was your role in why the relationship did not work.  What makes you a different person now?  What do you still need to work on?

    I cannot analyze the “why” of her wanting to bail.  My take on any failed relationship is that if the relationship does not work then there is a good reason why it does not.

    I am sure she is sensitive about a controlling man since I assume that her father is.  When you said that you don’t like her guy friend because HE let her drink too much, then that sounds like you are taking responsibility off of her.  I would think that is possessive and controlling attitude on your part.

    From reading in between the lines, it seems you show love through the Acts Of Service love language.  You mentioned how much you did for your ex (I did so much for my ex-girlfriend and I got nothing out of it) and what you have offered to do for this girl, e.g. rent free housing, job hunting help.  That can seem like looking for Quid Pro Quo and that may have caused either/both girlfriends be leery of your offers.

    Plus you said that you are not use to being ignored.  It sounds like you need a lot of attention from your girlfriends.  That’s hard for an introvert who would need space and alone time.

    Regardless, who knows the real reason why she does not want to be with you anymore.  She has a troubled upbringing and as you said, ghost or a bad history.

    Mark

     

    #309875

    Valora
    Participant

    I agree with everything Mark said, but to add to that, do you think it’s possible you were being a little critical or perhaps sounding a little critical to her? It’s hard for me to know because of what you didn’t specify, but for example… you said you helped her write a resume. Did she say she wanted to leave her job or were you just thinking she should because it doesn’t seem right for her so you were trying to help make that happen?

    And for the apartment, I don’t blame her at all for not wanting to move in with someone she’d been dating officially for only 2 months, even with the situation with her dad. Did you get upset with her when she turned that down?

    Communication is good, but if you were getting upset with her for a lot of things and vocalizing that, that could have lead to her thinking that she and her life was not right for you and your wants/needs… that you two weren’t meshing very well and were better off apart.

    I also think that if you think you got nothing out of a 4-year relationship, you should reevaluate that relationship. There was probably something you very much needed to learn from that breakup that you might not have learned. All of those situations, at the very least, come with good, helpful lessons that make the relationship itself worth it.

    #309877

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Alecsee:

    You wrote yesterday regarding the current woman in your life: “Up until 2 weeks ago, everything was fine, until an argument that could have been avoided on my end if I had not had a small emotional outburst”.

    Five months ago you wrote regarding an ex girlfriend: “I started getting constantly mad at her a lot and taking it out on her…she sees me as this angry guy .. the emotional outbursts are when I can’t take it and I start being aggressive.. Just saying stuff that makes her put her defenses up and causes argument”-

    Reads to me that you need to pay attention to your anger and how you express your anger. If you learn to control your behavior so that you don’t explode and argue- you will have a better chance at having a healthy love relationship. There are books on managing anger, there are anger-management classes you can take, and you can attend psychotherapy for that purpose.

    anita

     

    #309889

    Peggy
    Participant

    Hi Alecsee,

    I am wondering at what point you thought things were going great.  You’ve hardly known this person at all yet it seems that she has to justify all her behavior to you.  Are you really communicating with her or are you just talking ‘at’ her.  She keeps you waiting for three or four hours but you are OK with that.  She wants some ‘space’ so you offer her a 24 hr. package.  You had an emotional outburst when she said she wanted time to spend with her friends and herself, then you’re OK with that because you’ve talked.

    She’s ended it by saying you’re a nice guy and she hopes you’ll find someone who meets your needs.  She feels that she does not meet your needs.  She’s gone beyond wanting space, she just wants out.

    Hear what she is saying – regardless of any problems/ghosts from the past, imagined or otherwise, this woman wants out of the relationship she had with you.  The decent thing to do would be to let her go without making a fuss.  How you deal with your own ghosts is another matter.  You probably need to let them go as well!

    Peggy

     

    #309933

    Alecsee
    Participant

    All,

    I am not really a guy who would go above and beyond for a girl. But i did on my 4 year relationship, because I thought she was marriage material. At the end of the day I was too late I decided to late and that’s my fault. I tried to become a better person so that she can see that it could work out. I think because I failed I felt entitled. I felt like people should do stuff for me. But why? Because I’ve put in a lot of time to a different person.

     

    In this relationship I tried to be all the things that my ex of 4 yrs said I wasn’t… more loving/affectionate and just show more care. It’s worth at the beginning, but obviously she’s an introvert and a mediator and need space. But my question is why 4 months of a good relationship and 2 weeks of a rocky relationship came to crash it all down. It doesnt make sense. Did she hold it all in? Then how is that my fault?

    When someone is told that they are doing wrong if I made a mistake correct me the day of or the moment of and then I will try to fix it as a partner. Now if somebody doesn’t try to do something about it then there’s a problem. But she was never super vocal about how some things made her felt so how could I know how she was really feeling? I’m usually really good at reading people that but like I said it’s hard for me to read introverts for some reason. The majority of people I can read, I pride myself with that opinion.

     

    I can see the guy situation. And why she would see it that way. Shes drinking. So she can control that.

    I kind of want to know what I did wrong so in the future if there’s some sort of introvert that I need I can deal with this situation better.

    THERE IS NO CLOSURE otherwise for me. And i need it. I think it can still work out otherwise

    Also what does quid pro quo mean? Best

     

    Thank you all!

     

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 6 days ago by  Alecsee.
    #309937

    Alecsee
    Participant

    I think i have been trying to be more understanding and I have a addressed those issues. Those waits arent common, and i am always at my house just doing stuff so she knows and has improved. Ive known her for awhile as friends (1 yr texting and seeing her at work and talking) she works in the food business.

    I just dont think shes a do-er. She said she really wanted to move in but ended up bailing out. It was kind of her idea. She was offered a family place but felt it would be her dad hunting her down. She brought it up a lot and talked about it. Then I did, and I said think about it and brung it up too. Then she felt pressured to do it. She said she wants a different job but has only kind of applied to places where friends can get her in.

     

    I think with her she needs a push. But maybe too much encouragement, push, makes her back away. Or shut down. I only called like twice but then she says she just starting to back away and need space.

     

    Maybe these were always issues but shes wasnt mature enough or courageous enough to let me know. Anyways this discussion is definitely helping! Thanks

     

    My anger part got deleted but ill recap it. Basically this was a small mini argument, and it arose from me missing two crucial texts. However, i think she was feeling down those days. But i told her i was going to be busy. And i wasnt going to come over cuZ i just wanted to watch those things. It was during her period so maybe she started thinking that we only hang out for sex. So she says she doesnt like how she looks and i tried to tell her nice things to cheer her up. But the sex thing i can get but she was always coming over for it so now she feels used? Its confusing to me. With my ex, I was angry and very frustrated with my job but my ex hung on. Thata when i realized that it was love, at my worst, she didnt look away. If I had not taken that job, the relationship would have prospered, also it was long distance so yeah. Thank u guys!

    #309951

    Valora
    Participant

    In this relationship I tried to be all the things that my ex of 4 yrs said I wasn’t… more loving/affectionate and just show more care. It’s worth at the beginning, but obviously she’s an introvert and a mediator and need space. But my question is why 4 months of a good relationship and 2 weeks of a rocky relationship came to crash it all down. It doesnt make sense. Did she hold it all in? Then how is that my fault?

    I think the problem here is that you were trying to be all of the things your ex wanted you to be but for someone other than your ex. Maybe your most recent ex didn’t need the same things from you that your previous girlfriend did.  It’s important to just be true to yourself and find someone who is a match with that in many ways rather than trying to be what the last girl wanted for the next girl. As you can see, that doesn’t work out so well.  If you are someone who shows love by doing things for your girl, your best relationship will be with someone who appreciates those things that you do.

    4-1/2 months really isn’t a long time and feelings can change quickly that early on, especially if she started to feel like you were getting upset about the things she did fairly often or tried to push her to do things she later decided she didn’t want to do (or was scared to do). It’s possible that started to turn her off after the initial “newness” of your relationship wore off and she decided it wasn’t what she wanted.

    I kind of want to know what I did wrong so in the future if there’s some sort of introvert that I need I can deal with this situation better.

    I think it’s possible you’re focusing on the “introvert” part of her personality too much. Some introverts like a lot of attention, too… some don’t. Some need a lot of alone time, some need just a bit. It’s not really a one-size-fits-all kind of thing, because it really does vary from person to person.

    I think with her she needs a push. But maybe too much encouragement, push, makes her back away. Or shut down. I only called like twice but then she says she just starting to back away and need space

    I think it’s totally possible that she could’ve been making it seem like she needed a push but she may have just been venting to you, and sometimes people like the push/encouragement at first, but when it comes time to actually make the change, they get scared of that change and that makes them back off. So if she got scared but you didn’t realize she was scared (and how could you when she’s been talking about wanting to make this change) and keep encouraging, it makes you come off as pushy even when, last you knew, it was a change she had really wanted to make.  That’s when it’s best to just back way off and let her come to you, if she decides to.

    #309953

    Mark
    Participant

    Quid Pro Quo – a favor for a favor.  You said you did so much for your ex but never getting anything back.  You offered housing and help in getting a job.  I assume she did not ask for either.

    What I am observing all those offers come with strings attached.  You wanted something in return.  Hence my quid pro quo mention.  Women know that when men offer something, especially something generous, they know that implicitly or explicitly that men want something for it.

    Mark

    #310027

    Alecsee
    Participant

    I agree and realized a lot of what you are saying Valora. But why not address the issue at that moment? Or at the end of the day when things cooled off a bit for her? I said this (to myself and possibly to her, dont remember) when she insisted that moving in wasnt a good idea (hers by the way); this relationship will not end cuz of a break up but rather from a lack of communication. And i was right. I perhaps need to be less pushy and helpful but if i really care about u i will try my best to help. I realize she is non confrotational but as a 26 yr old adult, you say something is wrong and not hold it in or else u explode! The consequences end up being worse if problems are held in. I understand ppl are different though and can see her perspective but in a relationship, you have to communicate. The reason i am pushy is that she stopped letting me know what she was up to. And to me, thats how u build trust. There is a certain point where u can reach it and be comfortable. That is why me and my ex lasted 4 years, it wasnt trust that was issue, it was my wavering and undecisivenesss to settle down that ultimately ended the relationship. I called it off 2 times, and broke up with her.

    I instantly realized what I was doing was what my ex wanted. But still those were things she was right that I had to work on. And while they were told by a previous partner, I still wanted to do them. But being pushy is subjective to ppl. Theres being encouraging to ppl, motivating someone, trying to help someone, beinh pushy, aggressive and just plain forcing someone etc. Different ppl can view things differently. She probably felt the right end of that spectrum.

    I have never been at convincing ppl to do things, but I do give good around advice.

     

    Mark, she had mentioned that she wanted to get away from her dad. So moving to my city, 35 min away, was her idea and she really liked moving in for free for 2 months in the beggining. Now i get saying u hate your job and actually detesting it are two different things but having a resume might be the push she needed. We worked on it on the phone together as well. I could see where i am being pushy but its not even to a great or dangerous state.

    • This reply was modified 2 weeks, 5 days ago by  Alecsee.
    #310031

    Valora
    Participant

    I agree and realized a lot of what you are saying Valora. But why not address the issue at that moment? Or at the end of the day when things cooled off a bit for her? I said this (to myself and possibly to her, dont remember) when she insisted that moving in wasnt a good idea (hers by the way); this relationship will not end cuz of a break up but rather from a lack of communication. And i was right. I perhaps need to be less pushy and helpful but if i really care about u i will try my best to help.

    Because sometimes people don’t realize for themselves that they are scared or WHY they are scared. She may have had those feelings of not wanting to do the things you were suggesting anymore but wasn’t sure what that feeling was or why she was feeling that way. It’s hard to clearly communicate feelings you don’t realize you have at the time.  I’ve learned it’s better to just not push people in the first place. Offer advice and guidance when they specifically ASK for it and otherwise just be there to listen and support.

    I instantly realized what I was doing was what my ex wanted. But still those were things she was right that I had to work on. And while they were told by a previous partner, I still wanted to do them. But being pushy is subjective to ppl. Theres being encouraging to ppl, motivating someone, trying to help someone, beinh pushy, aggressive and just plain forcing someone etc. Different ppl can view things differently. She probably felt the right end of that spectrum.

    Honestly, most things are subjective. Being pushy is subjective, but so is wanting attention and the amount of attention or space someone needs. For example, someone who likes to cuddle can be seen as cuddly and attentive or it can be seen as needy, depending on who you’re dating. It’s definitely good to work on the things you want to work on after someone points them out, because that shows growth, but that doesn’t mean that working on those things will make you compatible with everyone because not everyone values those things.  So you just have to kind of be the kind of boyfriend/man you feel the best being and find someone who matches with that while realizing that not everyone will… and if someone tells you they feel they aren’t your match, you just have to believe them.

    I think what it sounds like you were trying to do was to be HELPFUL, which she probably felt you were being at first, but if she then got scared of moving or changing jobs (because those really are big, scary life changes), and you kept encouraging her to do it (trying to be helpful), then that’s when it starts feeling pushy rather than helpful because she’s changed her mind (even if she didn’t communicate that).  So, in the future, if that kind of thing happens again, just be sure to help mainly just when asked when it comes to that stuff. If you create a resume and she leaves it on the table, maybe ask once if she forgot it or of she changed her mind about switching, and if she forgets it again, I’d just let it go at that point.

    #310033

    Alecsee
    Participant

    It was on her computer. The resume. But i know what u mean!

    When i am saying she didnt adress the issue i mean like, saying she doesnt want to have sex all the time, saying that having a lot of tatoos in the future bothered her ( she asked what would I think if a person has a lot of tattoos and or a big tattoos and I said that I’m not really attracted to a lot of tattoos, or at leasy i dont think so) why not address that the day I said that not two months later when she was holding everything in? Stuff like that. I listen but how can i know i am making mistakes if im not told? I like communicate things like this. It helps couples grow. But i think its a bit unfair being slammed with things that bothered her all at once. When they could be addressed at that moment or that day or even that week. Also i did say my ex was always willimng to make love she was too but those words bothered her. I don’t appreciate it and I don’t think it’s fair that two months later I am finding these things out. Its frustrating really. And like I said I think I have a good read on most people but with introvert in with people that are more quiet and don’t express your feelings as much I tend to struggle reading them

    #310039

    Valora
    Participant

    Yeah, it sounds like she wasn’t communicating her feelings very well either. It also sounds like she might have been trying to figure things out during that time and ultimately decided that you two weren’t right for each other, without your input and without giving you a chance to fix anything… which I know feels unfair, but people do that sometimes when they’re internalizing their feelings for whatever reason. There really isn’t anything you can do about it other than to let them go if that’s what they’re saying they want and use those words as your closure.

    If what happened feels unfair, it’s likely you had expectations that weren’t met here. You were expecting her to have a level of communication that she didn’t meet and that unmet expectation feels bad. I think that’s more of a sign that maybe she’s right that you two weren’t right for each other, at least not right now.

    #310065

    Aiyana Henderson
    Participant

    An introvert’s mind is like a vast ocean: What you see on top of the surface is a lot deeper than that.

    Alecsee, your past relationships seem to form as ghosts and you’re battling the turmoil. I’ve read everyone’s responses on this thread and it sounds like these relationships that you did your best in have ran their course. My understanding is that your introverted girlfriend wanted to please you in regards to moving the relationship forward. However, she was too afraid to be assertive for herself. Given the fact that her father has messed with her self-esteem, that could definitely be a factor as well. Give her the space to be her own person. Let her know that you love her and that you will do anything for her. Just be sure not to cross any personal boundaries.

    #310585

    Alecsee
    Participant

    How can I win her heart back? This is to everyone? I bought her her favorite foods and drink and she was happy after 4 days of not sending anything. Another 2-3 days pass and I sent her a message of my feelings and that im here to support and yesterday some pictures and no response. Maybe she needs more time?

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