Home→Forums→Emotional Mastery→Too Criticizing of Myself
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May 13, 2016 at 6:50 am #104437JanusParticipant
thanks a lot anita;) 300 posts wow:D in ap world history today, kordell and i played chinese checkers and then he taught me how to play egyptian ratscrew with playing cards. jacks are one (joker counted as jack) queens are worth two, aces are worth four, and kings are worth three. so if someone puts down an ace you have to put down four cards and if the cards don’t end up being a one of the face cards mentioned above then the person who put down the ace gets all the cards. also if there is a ‘sandwich’ such as if it goes five, ace, ace, five then the first person who slaps the card pile gets the cards. kordell also invited zach into the game and zach was quite good, it was a stalemate for the first 20 minutes between the two of them until kordell started to win the cards. also zach brought his cool transparent duck tape and we made a duck tape ball and played basketball and soccer. i think i would be fun to take ap european or ap psychology next year b/c kordell will be in those classes, also izzy is taking ap euro. however, i don’t think i have room in my schedule b/c i really want to take ap biology, java and also business website and design. so if i do take those classes, i might have to drop ap calculus which i’m not interested in b/c andrew is taking it as well and i enjoy learning about math and science. also i’m becoming more like andrew and dave. there are times when i just act on my instincts and intuition which is what andrew and dave do at times. they both love nature and science as much as i do. sometimes when i plan my notes i realize i’m planning them exactly the way dave does it and whenever i have a science question and i think about it and experiment with it, i realize i’m acting like andrew. as much as i want to take ap euro with kordell and zack, i also have a great bond with math and science especially since meeting andrew and dave. i feel quite divided in what to choose, but andrew and dave said i should take not only the classes i enjoy, but also the classes that will help me in my career. i am thinking of going into medical engineering so i need to take much math and science classes, but i also like psychology as well, but i’m not going into behavioral health or neuroscience. i’m more interested in stem cells and genetic engineering and also using computers to help with medical images.
May 13, 2016 at 7:14 am #104440AnonymousGuestDear Shirley:
Well, maybe Zach, Kordell and Izzy can tell you what they are learning in AP Euro and in AP Psychology, what about the subject matter is very interested in to them, individually, and what is boring to them. For me the Statistics part in psychology would be the boring part. Of course, who is doing the teaching is very important. You can ask more about the nature of the classes and see if you really have much interest in the classes as-they-are-taught.
You are definitely a social person who likes to learn new things and enjoy meeting people and spending time with them. Hope you can fit in in some contexts new people (in moderation, of course, so you don’t spread yourself too thin). And it is almost weekend. I wonder if you will spend some time with your special friend.
anita
May 13, 2016 at 1:16 pm #104472JanusParticipantmy ap world history teacher teaches ap euro and general psychology and she is a good teacher. i discovered i received a 98 on my physics honors test and 100 on my pre-calc post test. i am going to review trig equations which it’s starting to have some clarity for tuesday’s test in ch.8. i am learning about electricity in physics honors right now and some of the properties are confusing, but i’m going to spend some time reviewing them. andrew helped me today during ap english with solving trig equations for pre-calc. anyway during physics honors, my leg kept cramping so i was always moving it around and dave asked if i was okay, he also helped me make sense of the physics lesson today. also andrew’s lesson on circuits, resistors, conductors and insulators also helped a lot. i am learning not to compare myself to others, but there is so much competition in ap and honors classes that sometimes when someone knows more than me, i find myself feeling dumb. sometimes when people know a lot about mechanics and electricity with their house and i’m still learning, i feel so left behind. also dakota from my pre-calc class is quite entertaining. at first in physics honors we were quite competitive against each other, but now we encourage each other and help each other do well. we often cheer each other on in physics honors or pre-calc. anyway steve (not my lunch buddy) in my ap world history class has a great sense of humor. he played tic-tac-toe and watched a game of clue. i think my special friend is mad at me b/c he jealous of andrew and dave. some of his friends are wondering why he always glares at me b/c most of the time he’s always telling them how smart i am. since he isn’t talking to them about me, they keep asking me, but i’m not sure what to do. also today, i showed dave all the comments i wrote about him on here and he smiled, i showed andrew and nothing really surprise andrew, he just smiled and nodded.
May 13, 2016 at 7:28 pm #104481AnonymousGuestDear Shirley:
Both Dave and Andrew smiled seeing the comments you wrote about them. I bet they feel appreciated. I know you already let them know before. I hope you and your special friend will have a good talk this weekend and that he can understand your social and loving nature and let you be who you are. You have enough love for him too and he is the only friend with “special” in front.
When the competition (AP and Honors) get to you, read some of the lines of your beautiful poems regarding competition, maybe Physics for Life, regarding the mirror. When you feel beaten by competition, feel less than when comparing yourself to others, it is like you watch a minimized image of yourself in the mirror. When you feel elated by comparison to others, it is like you are watching a magnified image of yourself in the mirror. Carry those lines with you?
Till your next post, take good care of yourself!
anita
May 14, 2016 at 2:20 pm #104533JanusParticipantthanks a lot anita;) i was out playing lacrosse, i have gotten quite good at it b/c andrew has taught me more techniques. some of my special friend’s friends came by and they invited me to play lacrosse with them. it was a lot of fun, but i noticed that my special friend was just standing on the sidelines watching us play and not joining in so i invited him to play, he was hesitant at first, but his friends and i all encouraged him to join in. in the end we all had lots of fun and my special friend was laughing. it was great watching a smile light up his face and watching the wind blow his hair. there was still some tension between us, but his friends (also my friends) helped a lot.
May 14, 2016 at 6:23 pm #104542AnonymousGuestDear Shirley:
Reads like a good experience, exercise, friends, fun. Your special friend has a tendency to withdraw into himself, doesn’t he? But then he laughed when he finally joined in the game. I hope you and him can have an honest, open conversation of the kinds you had many times before and things will become clear to him.
Having friends is very important to you. Your social/ people skills are developing and that is a good, good thing. Lots of people do well academically or within a certain field, but are handicapped in their profession as well as otherwise in life, for lack of social skills.
You are quite amazing, Shirley, to think how much you have grown on this very thread. You are an inspiration!
anita
May 15, 2016 at 5:57 pm #104615JanusParticipantI think my special friend needs to feel appreciated b/c he has been bullied and told he isn’t good enough to be an actor. he like me can be withdrawn at times and doubt ourselves when faced with competition. Thanks anita, even though I still hold back at times when I’m meeting new people. I think it’s just part of been a teenager, they always have some insecurities about the world around them. I think my friends have helped me a lot in making me the person I am today. I am thinking of creating a poetry book of inspirational poems to help those lost in life know that they are not alone, to give them hope and also encourage them to get back on their feet . I want to spread the love and positivity to those who are in the darkness, the love that my friends brought to me I want to continue to spread it to people even after I leave high school for college.High school has provided me with some of the best years of my life and has lead me to discover new sides of me that I never knew I had. I hope my poetry book will help inspire others to go for their dreams and spread love and build community. I have just finished three poems called “Breaking the Illusion”, “Good Enough” and also “In the End” and I will post them when I get a chance.
May 15, 2016 at 6:13 pm #104618AnonymousGuestDear Shirley:
You are your special friend’s special friend! Creating a poetry book of inspirational poems to help those lost in life, is such a good, kind, generous desire on your part. I like it very much! I can imagine it, with illustrations of angels flying through the clouds, pictures of nature, of rivers and trees and streams of water, waterfalls, lots of green and blue sky. And feathers of angels falling lightly to the ground. It will be a beautiful book!
Looking forward to your three poems. When you get a chance, maybe post one on each thread so I can enjoy them one at a time.
Monday tomorrow, a new week at school!
anita
May 16, 2016 at 6:55 am #104652JanusParticipantthanks a lot anita;) also the idea of the angels flying and the rivers flowing will make a great cover page for the book, thanks for he idea;) anyway, my special friend seems to have forgiven me, he helped me carry my books to class today and we talked about science and laughed together. i had 4 textbooks and 50 lbs on me and i was running up and down he stairs going to return them to their places.
May 16, 2016 at 9:08 am #104663AnonymousGuestDear Shirley:
Heavy weights indeed! Glad your special friend has been okay today. Like I wrote before, he does have a special friend in you and I bet he will be the first, or one of the first people to receive a copy of your book of inspirational poems. It will be a beautiful book!
anita
May 16, 2016 at 1:50 pm #104696JanusParticipantthanks a lot, anita;) after the two ap tests, there hasn’t been much work in the ap classes. i have a pre-calc test on ch. 8 tomorrow and after the teacher explained trig equations i understand it. i also have a physics honors test on electricity on wednesday and i understand it more now that the teacher explained it and dave and andrew helped. although, andrew seems mad at me b/c i am doing better than he is in science and also learning lots with computers, dave is still quite fun to be around. zack and steve (not my lunch buddy) played soccer and football in animated video games during ap world history and it was fun watching them play, zack was sweden and steve was portugal for soccer and zack won 1-0 and also for football, steve was panthers who won 8-0 and zack was seahawks. also during 2nd block english i went to the library and on my way back down the science rooms hall, i ran into my special friend, we both jumped back, quite surprised to see each other. anyway, he seemed to be upset over an essay grade, but upon seeing me he smiled and we both laughed. i also told him that it would be okay with his essay grade and that i would help him with his essays. anyway, at lunch my lunch buddy steve was quite entertaining. he was telling me his opinion on “Into the Wild” and he was acting out mccandless’s living in the bus at alaska and it was quite funny. steve and i both enjoyed the book even though we both feel mccandless made some mistakes. anyway, my special friend walked by and he smiled at me and he also helped me with some of my ap english questions on “The Color of Water.” then he went back to his friends and they were all cheering b/c they are really happy that we both are close friends again and my special friend laughed with them. these days i feel like i have a sense of confidence around myself and i appreciate myself more and my special friend is also learning to do the same. after the classes were over, my special friend and i before getting on the buses, he told me that he loved me for the better person i made him become and that no matter what happens, whether we turn out to be soul mates or not, we’ll both be okay. i told him that i was nothing special, that i had my flaws and he hugged me and said “your flaws only make you more beautiful and the person you are is and has always been perfect for me.” his friends were all smiling and cheering and i was crying b/c it was the sweetest moment ever. at that moment i realized that all the jealousies, hurts and fears in our friendship had been resolved and we both felt at peace. also, when i got home we both took a run and enjoyed nature and our friends were both cheering us on and he let me win, but i made it a tie. then we sat down and enjoyed the sun and we saw this beautiful white light surround us and angel wings and we knew that everything would be okay and at that moment all our doubts and worries seemed to fade away and we were surrounded by divine love. while i was cleaning out the yard, my special friend came by and he made me laugh when he said “why are you cleaning out the yard like a peasant?” i replied “i’m making the environment more friendly and cleaner.” he laughed and said “let me help.” we had lots of fun raking the leaves and jumping into them.
May 16, 2016 at 3:51 pm #104716AnonymousGuestDear Shirley:
What a delightful post about your first day of the week. From your friends Andrew and Dave (it is a social skill, on your part, to tolerate when Andrew, in this case, was upset and not let it drag you or the friendship down, but instead accept his feelings and allow them to pass and change with time). Zach and Steve (not your lunch buddy) playing computer football (I live in Seahawks land, WA) is nice.
I like what you wrote: “these days i feel like i have a sense of confidence around myself and i appreciate myself more and my special friend is also learning to do the same.” I like it very much!
What your special friend told you: “your flaws only make you more beautiful and the person you are is and has always been perfect for me.” is heart warming- how very loving. Running with him is always good, enjoying the sun.
anita
May 16, 2016 at 5:20 pm #104735JanusParticipantcool that you live in seahawks land, WA;) my special friend also has his first car and he often brags about it, i have my academics to focus on, but i’m working on learning to drive. i think my special friend wants to be in a relationship, but it would overcomplicate things and i just want him to be happy, to be free with his friends and his life and not be tied down by relationship values. i’m perfectly happy with the spiritual partnership we share now
May 16, 2016 at 8:30 pm #104748AnonymousGuestDear Shirley:
Yes, from what you shared, it does seem that he would like to be in a boyfriend/ girlfriend relationship with you and you wrote that this is what you believe he wants many posts ago. But you do sound happy with the way things are. You are blooming in the context of your existing friendships and as you stated above, you are “perfectly happy with the spiritual partnership” you share with your special friend.
It is therefore the right thing for you to do, for yourself (most important by far, as it is your responsibility to do right by you!) and for him that you keep this relationship spiritual, as it is now. If all you ever give your special friend is your honesty, your affection and appreciation, as you do now, he will continue to be the very fortunate young man that he is to have you in his life, as is.
Soon to be Tuesday. Pre calc test on chapter 8 tomorrow (maybe already done by the time you read this)/
Take good care of the special Shirley I grew to appreciate more and more over time-
anita
May 17, 2016 at 3:06 pm #104815JanusParticipantthanks a lot anita;) you are a great friend;) my ap english teacher is helping us with college applications and they are making me nervous. i am going to retake the sats in october and possibly november 2016 and apply for the jul-december one for my colleges. i got a 1490/2400 on this year’s sat taken feb.23 and i will be taking the one out of 1600 soon. i had i’m going to be learning to drive this summer, completing the summer work for my ap and honors classes next year and studying for sats. i’m also taking a financial literacy, reiki course and also a ap calculus class bc online (since school only offers ac) and i have to register for the ap calculus bc exam. my worst fear is that i won’t be accepted to any of the colleges or that i’ll run out of time for my applications. the scholarships and the financial aid is what makes me worried, but i think i have the letters of recommendation, personal essays and application common app organized somewhat. i wish my parents had more faith in me b/c they think i’m not going to have time to do well in school or for colleges b/c of this reason. also they don’t think I’m as self-sufficient as I feel about myself. their lack of confidence in me makes me annoyed b/c i have worked on building my confidence and self-esteem and these days i appreciate myself and life more. my summer work is usually relatively easy and i usually finish it within the last few weeks of june into the first few days of july. also i’m quite good at multi-tasking and dividing my attention between multiple things without losing my focus on one. i can often find ways to connect ten things at once and have fun doing them, while my parents think i’m just spontaneously all over the place. i do tend to look at all avenues of the path, but they all connect to a central theme that i can totally focus on with my one-track mind (whenever i get set on one thing, i go for it and usually lose sight of everything else).
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