I agree that in social situations it is important to control anger and other emotions especially since sometimes anger leads to bad confrontations. if someone makes you angry, look away from them and lower your voice, deal you business listening to both sides then walk away an put your anger to good use such as working out. i also agree that not everyone is nice, but it is our attitude that is important. we can’t live without fear since fear also helps us in the way that it keeps us safe such as most people wouldn’t want to go rock climbing without a safety harness, but it’s the attitude that we have with fear that counts. we can let our fear and anger limit us from our dreams or when can try to overcome our obstacles. there are people who are successful who are miserable, but their are people who do simple jobs who are happy. you wouldn’t be said to be having a life if you did something that made you miserable, even if you made a living. i have wanted to be athletic since seventh grade when i was bullied for athleticism, but once i achieved it, i still didn’t think i was perfect b/c i wanted to be smarter. we can’t keep changing ourselves for the better when we feel insecure on the inside. my inner bully often makes situations worse than they really are and often makes me irritated at myself, but what the inner bully thinks often isn’t what the world sees me as. i want to find a way to live happily on the inside, then when i feel happy on the inside i can reflect it on the outside.

i agree that there is no such thing as perfection, but there is a sense of peace when you begin to accept yourself as you are. i like to be alone out in nature and when i get a job as a molecular biologist, i’m going to get a house near some woods. fear is good in that it keeps people from doing dangerous things, but it’s bad when it keeps you from your dreams. my parents’ judgmental views get on my nerves a lot of the time.

i have a few friends who are bisexual, gay and transgender. Here are the reasons I don’t get along with my family:
Both of my parents and brother don’t like LGBT people.
I am a Buddhist wiccan and my parents think most spirits are evil so sometimes when I talk to spirits they think I’m weird. My brother and my dad are atheists and my mom is a taoist. my parents are going for christianity which clashes with my buddhist wiccan belief.
My dad likes toolworking too much, while my mom is too wrapped up in her bills.
My mom complains about being unhealthy, but she won’t change her habits such as getting some exercise or eating the right amount of food portions, no matter how hard I get her to.
They are very patriarchal and think that girls can’t be scientists or shouldn’t bench press or do pull-ups.
I am the polar opposite of my mom who likes shopping for clothes, fashion, jewelry and flowers. I rather wear shorts and a t-shirt as opposed to a skirt and I enjoy keeping my hair short b/c when I do science labs long hair is a hazard and also so it doesn’t blow in my face when I’m working out. I like to work with scientific tools, workout and shop for healthy food.
They tell me to “deal with it” when I try to confide in them or they tell me to “mind my own self” when I tell them about my friends.
They tend to spy on me on a lot on things even when I want to be alone.
My mom overdramatizes ever situation that makes her mad and she lets her anger leave her staggering.
They need to ask me about everything when it is in english b/c they can’t speak it well even when i’m busy with school work.
They criticize me and say I have no life skills and I’m nothing compared to my brother. Just b/c I’m not good at finances, tool work. they say i only have book knowledge and nothing else.

thanks a lot anita, you are the most understanding and compassionate friend i’ve met:D i took a break for a while b/c my inner bully was making my brain hurt and i was fighting it for four days and it was relentless. it kept telling “you are ugly. you are nothing. you are fat.” i am glad to say that it has faded for a while. i feel glad that i made a victory again even though it was hard this time, but i feel much better and stronger to have triumphed. also your kind words on this site always uplift me;) thank you for having faith in me. school starts tomorrow, can’t wait:)

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Janus.

I’m working on getting the hang of the Ti-89 calculator for ap calc and it’s quite advanced. The thing I need to remember is to put parentheses for most of my data when typing it in b/c my old calculator didn’t require parentheses. I also find that after checking with my calculator for the results to the problems, it gives a different answer than what I came up when when I solved it on my own, so I’m still working on finding out my mistake (since I double checked and the calculator is still giving the same result). There are so little people in my class this year, but it’s good b/c it’s quiet and peaceful, here are the classes in order that I take them in this semester (ap classes are full year). There are only 13 students in my ap calc class, 10 in my business/web develop., around 15 in my ap bio class and around 18 in my java class. my former lunch buddy steve feng is in my ap calc class. I have A lunch which is crowded this year with around 60 students there and Andrew, zach (from former ap world history) and javi (former track mate, also he was in my cooking/sewing class in freshman year). Andrew is competitive as ever in ap biology with me especially since we have group competitions with our ap bio studybook. i had a feeling before school started in july that i wouldn’t see dave in my classes and i was right. while in school, i went to visit my former ap english teacher to return her books, i thought i saw dave, but it wasn’t him. I also had a feeling a week before school started that there would be a guy named sal in one of my classes and i was right. sal is very ambitious and wants to be more independent with his own company or work and likes nature like me. i admire his confidence in himself b/c he doesn’t look up to anyone, but himself. he is quite high-achieving and really believes in his abilities and that is who i want to be. someone without an inner bully, but an inner critic that keeps me motivated to work my best. i have a feeling that i will see kordell (former ap world history, swimmer, entertaining) again, i don’t know why, it’s just a strong feeling. i know that kordell is taking psychology with mrs. whelan (former ap world history teacher) probably in spring semester so when i visit my former teacher, i may see him. no surprises here that my special friend is in A lunch with me, I had a feeling that he would be b/c he has been in lunches the whole high school years (C,B,C,A goes the lunch order. however this year the school downsized and there is no more B lunch so A is crowded). anyway, my special friend is quite happy with his gf and occupied with his classes and college applications so we haven’t talked for 2.5 months (includes the last three weeks of july and august along with now). We still look out for each other though and I am happy that he is happy with her right now. We are more comfortable around each other b/c formerly we had romantic interests in each other, but that has faded a bit. I think a relationship with him would have complicated things anyway so I’m happy that he has found someone and I’m glad we are still friends which is just right for us. It’s strange that my inner bully seems less in school, it’s probably b/c i’m with people similar to me and also enjoy learning. during the summer being with my family at the restaurant with people i feel don’t know me well, i feel insecure. so i think my inner bully is an environmental thing. i can be quite happy in the library, but in the gym where i’m a decent athlete (not great), i feel insecure. my inner bully seems to often use situations that i’m already shy in to rear its head and say “look all those people think you’re ugly. you have big thighs.your stomach is too big. your chest is too big and saggy.” i find that when i’m in my environment, i am quite confident and there is no inner bully.
i’m nervous about doing well in ap calc b/c apparently andrew is competing with me in that class (we don’t share the same class, he has it 2nd block, while I have it 1st), but we still compete. some of the problems are a bit complex and like i said above my calculator doesn’t agree with me so i need to work on it since the test is on thurs and the teacher is collecting the packet tomorrow.

surprisingly andrew was in a great mood today and we had lots of laughs during ap biology (3A). he even helped me with some of science questions. while in 2nd block business/web class, i thought i would have time to type this, but the teacher assigned a current event so i did that. sal saw what i wrote about him (he sits next to me in class) and he smiled. anyway, the current event took me the whole block (80 minutes) since i was researching the economy of germany and how britain debated on dropping out of the EU. anyway, i managed to finish with 5 minutes left in the block and sal and this girl (also sits on my right, i think her name is amanda, alyssa?) were helping me finish. i like the classmates in my business/web class, they are really good at working as a team and quite fun to be around, the teacher is great also since he helps make sure his students are caught up. also surprisingly today, dave is in my 3A lunch:) i had an appointment with the guidance counselor on college questions and she said that i should start applying in dec. to occ, so i was too early before and a few other questions, she cleared some of my anxiety and i was a bit late to lunch but that’s okay. i looked around for a while for a table to sit and i sat with a couple friends i knew such as storm (he has a great sense of humor a.k.a quote ‘marijuana is the devil’s grass.’ he is really against smoking. anyway, he took ap calc last year and is glad that i’m taking it this year b/c he can help me with some of the stuff i need help with just b/c he wants to feel smart;) and i don’t mind. i didn’t know dave was friends with storm as well, but i saw him circle around our table, leave and then sit at our table.
i’m glad the middle table was filled today b/c yesterday i sat there by myself, so today when the table was full, i found somewhere else to sit and surprisingly met dave. anyway, dave is taking ap calc 2nd block with andrew so there is still part of the trio from former ap english (dave, andrew and me). anyway, dave responded to my email about bible codes that i sent to him 3 weeks ago in person. my ap calc teacher is great at explaining things, but i’m still a bit vague on some areas of the calculator. he explains things well with class concepts, but the calculator is a bit confusing. i hope you do well with your new cellphone, anita. so my ap calc teacher didn’t collect the summer packets today b/c he allowed us to use them to study for tomorrow’s test. the great thing about my ap calc class is that everyone is very attentive to the teacher and they enjoy learning and it’s easy to concentrate in there. in java today, 3 guys had the best paper airplanes (anthony and jeff tied, steve neff from former ap world history) and i tied in fourth with someone else. we then renovated our paper airplanes (except the ones that did well, they kept their same steps which we wrote on a paper) and switched papers. we had to use the paper we got and follow their instructions on making a paper airplane some of the instructions were quite creative such as “fold a 30 degree angle near the corners to make a sharper nose.” some of the classmates are better at vocally teaching then writing the steps including anthony. i find that when in ap biology, i try to explain things to people, i make it a bit complex so i wouldn’t be a good teacher, in fact i do that with a lot of my subjects except math and computers. most of the airplanes that others made did not turn out like the ones the original owner made. some were better, worse or not even airplanes. vincent (entertaining and smart) in the class got my instructions and made my airplane look like a bird. i got alex’s instructions and made his look like a boat. anyway, java is the process of telling a computer a set of directions to make it run, so that is why we have the airplane analogy. in java we also got introduced to coding with a game where we dragged commands to help the bird get to the pig (angry birds). i made it to level 3 and i was a bit stuck. java and business/web use the same websites to learn so it’s easy to navigate and they both use google classroom. the thing i like about my classes this year are the teachers and the classmates which work well together. we are competitive, but in a more laidback manner and we help each other. we make each other laugh and enjoy ourselves. remember when i said i had a feeling that i would see kordell? also in ap biology today i had a friend who needed to see mrs.whelan for a psychology question so i went with her after class and i saw kordell there;) there is a girl named liz in my ap biology class and she has a great sense of humor and i also wish i had her hair color which is russet, but changes from brown with golden highlights. i like my ap biology class group. all of them aren’t good test takers esp. emma, but they are quite smart and fun to be around. i like emma b/c she is mature and has confidence about herself. i realize that i’m not ‘stupid’ b/c i’m not the best test taker b/c there are others like that. i am good at picking up new concepts and experimenting more than memorizing formulas and definitions.