currently i can’t wait till christmas break, my brain just seems on vacation and i still got a chapter of notes for ap biology, study for an ap calc quiz tues. and a u.s history ii quiz monday. but i can’t make my brain focus and the inner bully is taking advantage and saying “see you really are lazy and an ignorant person. you can’t do anything right.” i reread my post debating about whether i should drop the class and some of the sentences are a bit vague to me. so i revised it, it still sounds similar, but i added extra detail and made more considerations. this is probably what i will discuss with the counselor:

School is a bit stressful this year since it’s my last year in high school. I took ap calc and ap biology and both classes take a lot of my time studying, taking notes. currently i am debating on dropping java (computer programming) or not.

Pros of dropping it:

Less distractions from loud classmates, since I can’t concentrate in the class

i can’t learn and the classmates are straining me, i don’t mind the class lessons b/c i think it is cool that you can program a computer to do different things, but my brain can’t input things well.

Eliminate the chance of falling behind (already behind on 2.5 projects and the teacher keeps assigning more)

Extra time to study for my ap classes in the library (midterms coming up in january and also sats)

Cons

May negatively affect my gpa since i’m dropping a class after being in it for so long.

there is only two months to go and also i have a 94 in that class mostly due to tests, not due to projects (although some of my projects are decent, but mostly after ch. 4 on, i’ve been having teacher help since i can’t think in the class and the current chapters have gotten a little more detailed)

i might not be qualified for honor roll since i only have three classes to contend with, last marking period i made honor roll

i don’t have a fourth block to go to (but the guidance counselor may allow me to study in the library)

I have mixed feelings about dropping the class. the other alternative is to talk to my counselor and ask her if i could take that class online at home so i don’t have to deal with the students or maybe i could flop my u.s history class (2nd block) with my java class. i’m not sure, what is your advice?

• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Janus.
• This reply was modified 7 years, 11 months ago by Janus.

so there are no online classes for java. i have been currently doing meditations and i find that my brain is more focused and i can tune out some of the irrelevant chatter. my guidance counselor said it would be unwise to drop the class since i have a 94 in it mostly due to tests. also since we only have only 2 months (counting december), i could probably make it through. there is christmas break after dec. 23. i will probably stay after with the teacher to catch up with the other projects i need to work on. ch. 6 on control statements in java makes more sense to me and i find that i can at least get a decent code written that works. my friend ray was also helping check my code as well. i think i received at least a 90 on my u.s history ii quiz and also i feel ready for the ap calc quiz on area under curve. i studied for it over the weekend and i should be okay if i meditate and keep calm. the chromosome mapping makes more sense to me for ap biology and andrew was also helping me with it. i still need to practice on figuring out what genes go where, but i’m understanding the concepts behind them so it won’t be long. also the meditation has helped me feel happier about myself and there are times when i sense the inner bully, i can uproot it with a few words from my inner angel. i imagine my inner angel radiating a fire and burning the inner bully to ashes and then i say “no inner bully i will not listen to your lies. for i am the one in control of my life. i am completely mind-boggled by science b/c there is a thing called Chrispr and it allows genes to be translated from another organism to a human. so we may have a chimpanzee give birth to a human since they are similar in genotypes. we could just change a few gene letters in the chimpanzee and implant an embryo in the chimpanzee and it may produce a human. i think the chimpanzee producing a human is a bit unethical. but that science is recent, so it needs more improvements, but i still think it’s cool. they recently have figured out how to isolate the genes of mosquitoes that carry diseases and possibly use that in a vaccination for people. also there are codes in your dna that code for specific traits in a mating partner. so if a guy passed on the interest of girls to a girl that girl could be gay. i respect people no matter whatever sexual orientation, but science is really cool in the way certain genes with ‘personality’ codes can be passed down. however ‘personality’ codes aren’t in the genome for good, you can change your attitude, but there is still a part of you that might act a certain way or prefer someone based on the genes you inherited. so i was thinking about the people that i’ve had crushes on in the past and what they have in common dave and i shared a platonic love (it wasn’t a crush, but he still fits with the list):

All came in at a time when I was struggling (robert helped me with my multiplication tables and also made my gym class more fun, brandon helped me when i was bullied in sixth grade, griffin (my special friend) helped me in seventh grade and andrew helped me in my classes in eleventh grade and still continues to)

All of them have a sense of humor and are laid back

All of them are athletic and modest (well brandon sometimes bragged, but it wasn’t too mean, griffin also does now and then, but it also isn’t being selfish)

All of them are helpful (andrew is often where anyone needs him, if someone needs help with something he’ll be there. griffin will defend me behind my back and help cheer me up)

All of them are smart in some way (brandon was good at tool working, griffin is good at coming up with ways to study and andrew is just of many talents)

All of them are optimistic (especially griffin and andrew, they are always laughing and enjoying life)

All of them enjoy nature (andrew likes camping, griffin enjoys going hiking)

All of them are still my friends today and i see andrew and griffin the most

All of them are competitive and independent (in mostly a good way, sometimes andrew can be competitive and it will be stressful)

All of them are understanding and compassionate (i can be a bit irritated or dramatic at times, but they still find me fun to be around)

All of them helped me be more confident (steve was a shy person and he’s currently in my ap calc class, but we used to help each other with our science hw in seventh grade and we often laughed at math jokes in eleventh grade lunch and now in class, andrew is a confident person himself, both griffin and brandon helped me when i couldn’t stand up for myself)

All of them like science and reading (brandon and andrew like nonfiction, while griffin and i enjoy all types, andrew is the most scientific)

All of them let me be myself:D

so even though i was nervous during my ap calc test, i managed to get a 100 on it, i got a 88 on my u.s. history ii quiz. i have completed ch. 6 (current chapter projects) for java and will stay during lunch tomorrow and thurs. to finish the chapter five projects and start two projects for chapter four. do you have any advice on how to be more confident when talking to a guy? i used to have a crush on my special friend and now it’s just platonic love, but it can be hard to talk to each other at times. we are often busy with schoolwork or sometimes we are shy around each other. what we can’t say in words, often we say with our actions like we’ll smile at each other or hug. there are times when we will have the courage to tell each other that we care about each other, but most of the time it is through our actions b/c there are some things that are hard to express in words. there are times when i feel guilty for brushing him off b/c i am stressed over a class like i did today when i came out of the library and my special friend smiled at me, but i was trying to get to a class so i rushed past him. at lunch, i acknowledged him briefly before helping a friend with hw. my special friend is good at sensing when i’m stressed, so he asked if i was okay.

my special friend and i have a bit of a complicated platonic love/ relationship love. in freshman through the middle of junior year, we were really close and there were times when we loved each other like we were boyfriend/girlfriend. but it got a bit complicated since we were both shy so we decided it was better to have platonic love instead. we are both loyal to each other, but i know he also cares about his girlfriend and respects her as well.

i realize that i what i think about the most tends to happen. so i was thinking about my friend ray in java and how he helps me with code and twice i saw a guy that looked like him outside the library (happened today and yesterday). when i asked ray if he was near the library at that time, he said no. the strange thing is that that guy that looked like ray also took ap calc and ray is in my ap calc class first block, the other guy said he has it 3rd block. so he helped me with ap calc. i wish i knew his name. on tuesday, my special friend saw me coming out of library and going down a hall. so for the following days i was thinking about my special friend and today during lunch i went to the library to study and a class came in. the teacher used to be my former personal fitness teacher from junior year and she was a great teacher, i liked her energetic spirit. anyway, the guy that sat next to me to complete his project was also doing a history project and saw that i was doing my u.s history ii terms. so we struck up a conversation and also helped each other with our history. he looked a bit like my special friend only his eyes were a darker shade of blue, his face thinner and pointier and also his hair isn’t left in long locks, but in a combed hairstyle. he was also taller and had a sharper voice than my special friend. but his walk and also his laugh sounded like my special friend. and when he smiled, it looked like my special friend that i jumped a little. he was a lot more confident and easygoing than my special friend so we began to talk about school in general. when it was time to leave he didn’t bother logging out of the library much like my special friend does. so he left ahead of me and i was just leaving behind when he stopped and lounged up near the adjacent wall just like my special friend would and we happened to glance at each other, say “see you” and continue on our way in opposite directions. i just wonder if the universe is sending me look-alikes of my special friend to help me be more confident around my special friend. sometimes we are shy around each other and don’t really talk. i know from being in the former class with ms. meyers (former gym teacher in junior year) that for the history project she assigns she allows for two days in the library. so there’s a chance i might come across him again, but if i don’t. this one encounter is probably saying that i should be more confident about myself and tell people that i care about them more.

i’m not really boy-crazy. although i would like a guy in my life to help me with school work and hang out with. i don’t really like the hands-shaking, heart-racing, head-spinning types of romantic relationships. i would much rather spend some time with a guy in a ‘friend-like’ atmosphere instead of a relationship romanticism. studying is my priority. i can’t believe how much i have to do this weekend:

study for ap biology test monday (another 2 hour exam)
study for ap calc test tuesday (still need to review some formulas)
study for u.s. history ii test vocab terms possibly monday or tuesday
study for java test on ch.6-7 on wednesday

study for midterms and sats

so there are times when i take breaks from studying and i research different topics and i find there are strange coincidences and things that make my hair stand on end after reading them:

Nursery rhymes aren’t as innocent as we think:

Top 10 Children’s Rhymes That Have Hidden Meanings

I knew the “Ring around the Rosy” was in reference to the bubonic plague that killed 1/3 of Europe b/c I remembered my history teacher in seventh grade talking about it:

they used to burn the bodies of those with the bubonic plague to avoid contamination and also make more room. The line “Ashes, Ashes we all fall down” is a reference to it.
Also the “Ring around the rosy” was probably about how quickly the disease spread and the red buboes or blisters that would pop up and fill with pus and blood. Now there is a cure for the bubonic plague with a pill which if you won’t take, you will pass away in seven days.

Mistress Mary rhyme is about Queen Mary of Scots. She was the daughter of Catherine of Aragon who was the first wife of Henry VIII (catherine: Spain and also catherine’s parents were ferdinand and isabella). Mary was imprisoned by Elizabeth I since she planned to assassinate Elizabeth and take over the throne. However, Mary was betrayed by her brother who told Elizabeth of the plot. Elizabeth I was Protestant (belief in J.C. can lead to salvation), while Mary was Catholic (faith alone isn’t enough). Elizabeth I (daughter of Anne Boleyn who was Henry VII’s second wife) was favored more by Henry VII than Mary. During her reign, Mary killed many Protestants and she had three Protestants who planned to assassinate her burned alive. Even though, Henry VII favored Edward I his third child from Jane Seymour the most, Edward didn’t survive long possibly due to pneumonia. Yet for those that treasoned against Elizabeth, she had them hung, drawn and quartered.

The lines:
“Mistress Mary, Quite contrary” are a reference to Queen Mary of Scots
“How does your garden grow?” talks about the people Mary sent to the grave
“With silver bells and cockle shells” silver bells were thumbscrews to crush the thumb and break the nails and also cockle shells were used on the genitals. Both were torture devices
“And pretty maids all in a row.” This is a reference to the rows of people who got executed under Mary’s reign and also the Iron Maiden (device) which would behead people.

Also why is seven so prevalent in our world?
Seven days of the week
Seven Diatomic Molecules (H2, N2, F2, O2, I2, C2, B2)
*the numbers are subscripts

Seven wonders of the world
Seven Main archangels( Michael, Raphael, Uriel, Gabriel, Chamuel, Haniel and Metatron)

The book “Futility or the Wreck of the Titan” by Morgan Robertson was published in 1898, 14 years before the RMS Titanic sank. The book was about the ship Titan who hit an iceberg in the Atlantic Ocean and sank.

Also the Tower of London is supposed to be haunted by Queen Anne Boleyn’s ghost. She has been seen carrying her head in her arms.

So weird quotes (I don’t understand the logic behind them):
A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.- Joseph Stalin
One murder made a villain; millions, a hero. Beilby Porteus

from witchtopia.com ”9/11” quoted from Sedna
Most of us know there is no such thing as coincidence. Some of us know that the matrix exists and that most of what we see and deal with is ilusion. Step into the matrix….
This has just weirded me out.
1) New York City has 11 letters

2) Afghanistan has 11 letters.

3) Ramsin Yuseb (The terrorist who threatened to destroy the Twin Towers in 1993) has 11 letters.

4) George W Bush has 11 letters.

This could be a mere coincidence, but this gets more interesting:

1) New York is the 11th state.

2) The first plane crashing against the Twin Towers was flight number 11.

3) Flight 11 was carrying 92 passengers. 9 + 2 = 11

4) Flight 77 which also hit Twin Towers, was carrying 65 passengers. 6+5= 11

5) The tragedy was on September 11, or 9/11 as it is now known. 9 +1 +1 = 11

6) The date is equal to the US emergency services telephone number 911. 9 + 1 + 1 = 11. Sheer coincidence..?!

Read on and make up your own mind:

1) The total number of victims inside all the hi-jacked planes was 254. 2 + 5 + 4 = 11.

2) September 11 is day number 254 of the calendar year. Again 2 + 5+ 4=11.

3) The Madrid bombing took place on 3/11/2004. 3 + 1 + 1 + 2 + 4 = 11

4) The tragedy of Madrid happened 911 days after the Twin Towers incident.

Now this is where things get totally eerie:

The most recognised symbol for the US, after the Stars & Stripes, is the Eagle. The following verse is taken from the Quran, the Islamic holy book:

”For it is written that a son of Arabia would awaken a fearsome Eagle. The wrath of the Eagle would be felt throughout the lands of Allah and lo, while some of the people trembled in despair still more rejoiced: for the wrath of the Eagle cleansed the lands of Allah and there was peace.”

That verse is number 9.11 of the Quran.

Still unconvinced about all of this..?! Try this and see how you feel afterwards, it made my hair stand on end:

Open Microsoft Word and do the following:

1. Type in capitals Q33 NY. This is the flight number of the first plane to hit one of the Twin Towers.

2. Highlight the Q33 NY

3. Change the font size to 48.

4. Change the actual font to WINGDINGS

so tomorrow i have my ap biology exam so i’ve been studying. i hope i don’t fall to nerves. currently my brain is being annoyed by the inner bully who keeps chanting “not good enough, not smart enough, worthless.” i want to chain the inner bully up and lock it in a chest and throw it into the sea. let the ocean drown this constant chattering that tries to beat me down. it would be great if i were around more laid-back people more often b/c it can be hard to be laid-back when my parents are impatient and my inner bully just fuels up more. so my career choices are:

Scientist
Peace Corps (2 yr govt. service to help poor people
Buddhist nun
Poet
Personal Trainer
Spiritual Counselor
Nutritionist