Hi Anita,

These days I feel like my inner bully has taken 55% of me and the other 45% left is someone I don’t know anymore. I feel I have lost myself. The only things I know I am are scientific and spiritual(includes poetry, buddhist wiccan). Everything else doesn’t seem to fit anymore. I have such social anxiety around people and I think they are seeing me as weak, fat or dumb. I tend to be reclusive and when I’m not around people I am okay. There are some guys in my lunch that aren’t the very nicest and they make fun of me for being smart and for being a girl. I feel like i don’t want to be a girl if they see it as weak and only guys work out and play competitive sports, but I don’t want to be a guy either. I’ve lost my sense of gender. AP Calc makes sense to me, but I’m still working on the logic of the problems and AP Biology is fun. But underneath all of the perfection that is on the outside, there is an inner turmoil that keeps me thinking people are going to be mean and it makes me hide myself more.

Hi Anita,

There are many questions that I’m thinking about:

How do I work on being more confident and stop being at the whims of others judgments and the inner bully?

How do I find myself again since I feel lost in a gender void?

How do I stand up for myself when people aren’t the nicest without evoking retaliation?

How do I find reality of who I am when I feel I’ve lost myself and I have realized that I’m not the labels they put on me?

Also I like this guy in my AP Biology class, How do I act around him? We are good friends and share a lot of interests and his name is Andrew.

Hi Anita,

Thanks, Anita for your advice. So I heard the inner bully rattling and I noticed it and told it to stop. The inner bully has faded in some portions, but still sneaks back every now and then. Currently I just want to isolate myself from people to find myself. There are two sides of me warring with each other, one side that wants to follow the labels and another side that wants to break free and live as my soul. The side that wants to live with the labels is still afraid of people’s criticisms and also wants to stay in the lines. The other side that wants to be my soul is about living life being who I am. I want to merge both of them, but I’m not sure how. I like your advice for dealing with bullies, I followed it and the bully left me alone and I felt stronger. So here is the question, How do I find myself amongst people when it seems like my inner bully tries to sneak in? How do I isolate myself at times when I need to be alone without appearing aloof and cynical? My special friend has been a bit worried about me lately because I have become more withdrawn, but I’m trying to find myself.

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your advice Anita. I have been meditating and my inner bully is starting to fade away a bit. I have started to focus on the talents that I have and focusing my talents on the goals I have in life. The java class has gotten pretty fun lately and I am friends with some of the classmates, many of whom are laid-back. I think I am able to exempt the final for java and u.s. history ii because my grades are 94 and higher. For java, the final project and review brought my grade up. So I only have to study for ap calc midterms. Here are some questions:

How do I be more of myself and stop seeking approval from others?

How do I let people know that the characteristics they associate with me make the whole me, not just separate parts?
For example, some people see me as one way or another: either as a scientist or a spiritual person
Also, some others associate me with academics, others with athletics and tomboyishness

How do I react when someone says something about my flaws that I’m working on?
For example, I am getting better at math and enjoy it, but someone may say “You are a lazy person and you are terrible at math.”
I have a 91 average in math.

How do I comfort someone without being dragged down in their sorrow?

Also about the guy I like, Andrew is a great person. On Monday, my inner bully was raging a bit and he made me laugh, he even waited for me after class and cracked a few fun jokes to make me smile. Today, he sat next to me during ap biology and we helped each other on our math and science. During class, when we were put into separate groups, we happened to look up and smile at each other. Also Andrew was wearing my two favorite colors: green and blue. After ap biology, i wished him good luck on he midterms for ap calc. After school, I saw him and he invited me to go to an art club party with him and it was fun. While we were walking to the party, I was a bit nervous and I made a bit of small talk mostly about school work and life in general. When we both got to the party and stood together, I jumped a bit, but I smiled and he smiled back. There is a part of me that thinks I overreacted because he did see me jump and my voice get a bit higher when I’m nervous. Do you think I overreacted?

The question is How do I stay calm around him because there are times when I think he likes me and it makes me happy, but it also makes me a bit jumpy?

Hi Anita,

Thanks for your advice. So I told Andrew how I act when I’m nervous and we had a fun and interesting conversation of how to read people’s emotions. Also I have become more assertive and optimistic. Being around Andrew is great because he is like a happy Buddha and he always seeing the best in life. I remember when I said something to him that made his face light up and I would love to see that smile again because it also makes me smile like the sun.

Here are some other questions:

How do I politely decline from partaking or getting involved in any negative conflicts?
I have been practicing shielding and cleansing meditation that gets rid and protects against negativity. I found that I am more balanced lately. But there are some people who have sorrows when I’m trying to focus on my goals and they want me to listen. How do I tell them to be more mindful?

Currently AP Biology is a bit confusing for me with evolutionary trees and also radiometric/carbon dating, but I’m getting there with understanding them. I have to get over my nerves for AP Calc tests because I’m taking the midterm tomorrow and I think I know most of things, it’s nerves that usually get me. I will constantly check a problem or sometimes a problem seems complex and I will become nervous and think the whole test will be like that. I have a friend who is really shy around people and when the teacher asked him why he doesn’t ask questions in class, but does alone, I realize that’s a lot like me. I heard his response and it was this “I don’t ask questions because I’m afraid others will see me as dumb because they get it.” I also do that at times when I refrain from asking questions until there are little classmates left because I am afraid of being judged. I’m mostly quiet in my classes.

How do I get a shy guy to come out of his shell?

Hi Anita,

The shy guy is Steven, my former lunch buddy and current ap calc friend. My friend Francine has gotten him to open up a bit and even though he was nervous for midterms on thursday, we both tried our best to make him feel better. So after many months of battling the inner bully, this week has been the best week of my life, no inner bully, great supportive friends, grades are good (the school valedictorian even said that I was smart and off to a good future:D), healthy and in love with who I am and a guy. I had an idea that things would change for the better at the end of January, but I wasn’t sure why. I had it in my mind that it might be because after January was over, I would be done with midterms. Since my AP Biology midterms was finished before this week, it was pretty nice to relax and enjoy the moderate pace we are going. I don’t feel as rushed as I usually feel or maybe I’m just starting to find peace. AP Calc is also fun and I find myself understanding parts of the logic. The one thing I know is that I’ve definitely become stronger and more aware of my thoughts and understand who I am more.

I’m not sure how I ended up making my life turn around because for the past few weeks, i had been so self-conscious and almost falling apart. There is a part of me that wants to leave all that behind and work on building my new firm ground. There is another part of me that wants to still look at it and see if there is anything that is broken that will cut me. But I realize I cannot keep looking for the broken pieces, hoping to fix them every time because I will lose sight of who I truly am. I can only become stronger from the cuts as I let the light filter through the broken pieces making them whole again. My special friend and I haven’t talked much in the last few weeks because we were both busy, but he knew that I was lost and on wednesday when I seemed tired, he asked if I was okay. When I answered that I had found a part of myself, he smiled and we have started talking again. He told me he had been worried that he was losing me, but I now know a part of myself. It’s time to build the real me.

Thanks Anita for all of your help in making it happen:D

So here is a question: Do you think it would be a good idea to invite Steve to Garden Club with Andrew, me and Francine? Francine wants him to join more clubs. Also Andrew used to be a bit reserved until I got to know him and now he is so much fun to be around. I think Andrew might also help break Steve out of his shell a bit. Andrew has helped me be more optimistic and open in life. We often make our stresses into dramas, acting them out and laughing.

Also I have become a little more reserved within myself and some people think I’ve become shy and others think I’m being cynical, but I’m not. I’m just working on recreating myself to show the world and it’s like I don’t want people to know me yet until I find all the parts of me. How do I make it so it doesn’t seem I’m being aloof and cynical? My special friend knows I care about him even though I don’t talk much with him, but we always smile and wink.

Hi Anita,

So I have made myself more comfortable at school and I have been able to catch the inner bully at times and disengage from its chatter and look at myself and see what is true. I’m starting a thought journal to keep track of my thoughts. It has gotten easier and I realize that I have more clarity in my mind. I am still a bit withdrawn from people, but it’s because I’m going to find the person I am on the inside. I want to figure out who I am beneath the labels of what other people placed on me.

The question is How do I let people know that I’m in the process of finding myself?

People keep talking about different problems, but the only one I have now is to find myself. How do I disentangle myself from others and be in my own personal space?