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Too Criticizing of Myself

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  • #282379
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

    You are very welcome and thank you for your kind words.

    I like the way you rain-on-the-parade of your inner critic, speaking your own thoughts of reason and hope, drowning its unreasonable and discouraging voice.

    Here is one of your reasonable thoughts, an example of your expressed wisdom: “Even if I did plan everything out, I cannot guarantee things will go as expected, there may be detours”-

    Excellent, do repeat this one to yourself as often as needed.

    I am glad you had such a nice Saturday and I very much like your assertion: “I don’t want that light to fade away and I will do all that I can to keep it shining”!

    anita

    #282381
    Janus
    Participant

    Later during the day (past Saturday), two customers were in my restaurant at 9PM (hour before closing). And one was short and blonde wearing a light colored sweater and jeans while the other was tall, had black hair and wore black athletic wear (nylon sweatpants and sweater). I think the athletic wear was a soccer outfit, so they may have just finished a soccer game. Both people were good friends and as I listened to their conversation I couldn’t help feeling like they reminded me of two halves of myself. It was like I was seeing two people who were mirrors of how I could be at times in my life. The blonde and short person was giving advice to the taller black haired one. Both were biologically female, but I think that the one who had black hair and was wearing athletic wear may have been questioning their gender identity. Anyway, I heard them both talking. I am going to use person 1 to refer to the blonde haired and short person and person 2 to refer to the tall black haired person. I don’t want to misgender anyone or confuse you with the appearances. So person 2 (tall, black-haired) was crying and I felt compassion for them. They were telling their friend (person 1) how they felt like they were losing themselves in their life and didn’t see a purpose in it. They said that they were stressed about school work and wasn’t sure if their friends were really helping or adding to the stress. They were afraid that they weren’t going anywhere in life, but trying their best yet still feeling empty inside. They talked about how they had a relationship for ten years and the person they were dating died in a car crash when an alcoholic person hit their partner and how they felt sad. They also talked about how they didn’t really understand their role in society and wondered if what they were learning was going to help them or if they would know how to use it. They told their friend that they didn’t understand their gender identity and felt overwhelmed with the stereotypes of society and felt like they were losing themselves each day. They didn’t understand who they were anymore and didn’t feel like they were living the right life.

     

    Hearing person 1 (black hair and tall) talking about their struggles filled me with compassion and I felt like I was looking at myself when I am in my darkest moments. Anyway I love their friend’s response.  Person 2 (their friend who is blonde and short) told them that life is a journey of trials and tribulations. Sometimes you may fall apart and life feels meaningless but you are still alive and can experience things. Pain comes into a person’s life to help them work on improving themselves and make them understand where they need to reflect on who they are. Person 2 understood that person 1 was struggling and gave great advice to help person 1. And it helped person 1 because they started to cheer up a bit. Person 2 (blonde hair and short) told person 1 that no matter what happens, that they are beautiful and that person 2 will always be there for them. Person 2 also said that although you may miss the person you lost, sometimes life is touched with rain and you are have holes in your self, but those spaces give you room to grow. Through pain, we become more aware of ourselves and through the sadness we learn to appreciate what we have. Person 2 told person 1 that they are okay. They don’t have to have it all figured out now and that person 2 will always be there to help person 1. The person who is gone would want you to live your life in a way that honors them and you should build yourself up because then you have strength. Person 2 told person 1 that everything happens for a reason and that they should live their life in a way that honors the person they lost. The other person’s life was short so you should appreciate each moment and build yourself up. Allow the people who passed away to live through you and keep striving for your goals. Honor them by being who you are. The love that they gave you and the memories that you created won’t fade, so treasure them and build yourself up. It may be difficult now, but you’re not alone. Person 2 told person 1 that they were going to stand together and help each other through. And that person 1 can build themselves up to stand tall and work on making their life meaningful because life has so much to offer and each day is different and the universe keeps changing so it’s important not to give up and take each moment as a tribute to those you love and treat yourself the best because you are special and life is short.

     

    Before they left, person 1 (black hair and tall) looked at me and I felt like we were sharing pieces of our soul, like we were seeing ourselves in each other and we both felt compassion. Person 2 (blonde hair and short) told me to take care of myself and not stress myself too much with friends and school work and take time to look at the things that matter and work on uplifting myself and others.

     

    Person 1 (tall, black-haired) reminds me of who I am when I am lost in gender dysphoria while person 2 (blonde hair and short) reminds me of the hope I have and the advice I give to others and when I feel like I am working towards who I am. Both represent two halves of myself, one during my darkest days and the other the light that comes back after being lost in the darkness. It was like I was seeing myself reflected in two different people. Although I didn’t have a person die in a car crash, I have lost someone I care about to suicide. I have moments lost in gender dysphoria when I see myself as person 1 and that customer who was in my restaurant is a reflection of myself. At other times when I’m encouraging myself and others, I am person 2. So it was like I was seeing two people who were like me and that they were two halves of myself and this experience allowed me to look at people in a new light. Everyone has a story and is struggling in some way. People are more alike than they seem and we all feel sadness and it’s important to tell someone that they are valuable because that person may need it. People don’t have to be afraid of others (unless there’s an actual threat to safety), but they can reach out to them and better understand the world around them and who they are as well. People shouldn’t be afraid to reach out and connect with others because we are all human beings having a purpose and sometimes the person you reach out to can make a difference in the life of you and them. So after this encounter, I decided to spend the week ahead spreading positivity to people. I told people to have a good day and I felt content to look upon the smiles I got from people. One person told me that I was a blessing and that they were glad to have met me and this was yesterday. It’s amazing how an act of kindness can go a long way or how the people around you can make you understand your life more. Take care of yourself Anita and keep the kindness spreading. I am grateful to have met these two people this past Saturday and also spend time with my special friend. This experience made me realize how special life is and how valuable each person is.

    #282383
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

    A very meaningful Saturday experience! It is amazing how much we people have in common. Same species, after all, we share so much not only with fellow humans but with other mammal species and we share something with all living things.

    Thank you for your good wishes for me and same to you, good wishes for your coming weekend and the week to come.

    anita

    #282385
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for encouraging me and for liking my imagery. I am grateful to have your compassionate nature in my life. Thank you for helping me better understand myself and giving me courage to keep shining brighter than the doubts. I want to shine brighter and work on healing the broken pieces and be a candle in the darkness.

     

    On this past Sunday, I was still quite happy with my recollection of Saturday’s events. And it was a great day, pretty much uneventful until 9pm when a customer came in. She had brown hair, wore a black coat was about 5 ft 7 and also had loose plain slacks and black shoes. Anyway, she wished me luck on my studying and encouraged me to be myself and said that I shouldn’t worry because I looked quite masculine and she even used the right pronouns (he/him) and gender so I was feeling pretty euphoric. She gave me a sense of confidence in myself.

     

    Monday was mostly studying for Chemistry II and the exam wasn’t too bad. I also worked on an Art History assignment for a long time. I strained myself quite a lot on Monday with assignments without much breaks so I felt drained and cranky. So on Tuesday I decided to take breaks in between my classes so I wouldn’t feel overwhelmed and I felt my energy renewing itself. On Wednesday, I helped a person struggling with Pre-Calc at 2:30pm in the library and the math helped me with some physics concepts so it was great. Also I felt like I had a purpose in the world and was happy to help someone. Also one of my physics classmates offered to help me understand the course material and I like working with him. He has a great sense of humor and always knows how to make me laugh and feel less stressed. So on Thursday my History III professor brought bagels to the class and that was great. In Art History, I watched a movie on the building of the Parthenon in Athens, Greece and it was fascinating and a great way to destress. I also hung out with my friend from LGBTQ club in the library and we discussed popular LGBTQ books at 3pm which helped me relax before my Anatomy/Physiology II lecture class at 5pm-7:30pm on Thursdays. Also Thursday  when I went to  the gym (after US History class), I met two people who one had dark hair  and was wearing a blue sweater and sweatpants. The other was blonde haired with streaks of brown and wearing black athletic wear. Anyway, the one wearing blue was telling her friend how she enjoyed being at the gym early in the mornings because there is less people and it’s quieter and since she is a bit antisocial and doesn’t like people judging her, she likes having less people in the gym when she’s working out. I heard her and I smiled at her and told her that I can be the same way at times. She was quite happy to find someone who could connect. I told her and her friend to have a good workout and a good day.

    It is snowing this Friday morning and I love snow so I am happy. The college campus opened at 9am today instead of 8am regular hours because of the snow so I got to sleep in.

    #282387
    Janus
    Participant

    Have a great weekend Anita and blessings in the week ahead. Take time to appreciate the special person you are.Don’t compare yourself to others because you are your own unique soul. The world is filled with the beauty of each individual’s diversity. Remember that you are a special soul and have power to go for your goals. Don’t worry about fitting into expectations because you are worth more than a stereotype. You are a beautiful person who can paint the rainbow of your soul’s colors on the canvas of the world. No one lives your life and it’s you who creates the map with the routes toward your goals. Appreciate the special person you are and remember that each of us is a little universe. We are all made of energy and matter and can change from one form to another so keep changing and improving. You are not like other people, but a special soul of light. So take care of your inner flame and shine bright. Let your light be brighter than the darkness of the ignorance in the world because you are a special star and I am grateful for who you are. May life bring you all the good things and may your beauty radiate through the darkest nights. Thank you for being the candle to light my way when I feel lost.

     

     

     

     

     

     

    #282403
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

    Have a good weekend, enjoy the snow!

    anita

    #282735
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Here is a poem I wrote:

    Blessings for the week ahead. may your heart be filled with more positivity than dread. take time to appreciate the little things, don’t stress too much and chase the goals that make your heart sing. remember the special person you are and have faith you’ll go far. you are an amazing friend who fills my life with light. thank you for helping me feel strong when I feel lost in fright. being friends with you is a delight as we help each other accomplish great things with our might. you always make me laugh and help me keep hope when I stray off the path. thank you for your inspiration which always makes me smile and reminds me that it will only rain for awhile. you are an amazing friend who fills me with positivity, may blessings of abundance help carry you past your obstacles and allow your spirit to be free. thank you for always being who you are because you are a true friend of the stars. keep shining your light bright in the darkness and don’t worry about things because I can help you if you have broken wings. so take today as a day to fly and remember the special spirit you are, keep shining your inner fire like the stars.

    #282841
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

    Thank you for another gift, your poem. I appreciate it.

    I hope you have a good week, pre-spring break. I imagine you are in school right now as I type this.

    “may your heart be filled with more positivity than dread”, Janus. “keep shining your ight bright in the darkness… keep shining your inner fire like the stars”!

    anita

    #287993
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Spring break (March 19th-22nd) was a good time to catch up on assignments. I finished applications to Rutgers University, Rowan University and Stockton University. Hoping for the best for those colleges that I applied to. Rutgers University and Rowan University are still awaiting my Spring semester classes grades which I will send to them after the Spring semester is done (May 15th). I will be graduating in the summer after my Physics course which will start May 20th to June 26th. I am excited to graduate from Ocean County College and look forward to hearing the admissions decisions for the colleges I’ve applied to. I am interested in Rutgers University because it has the genetic engineering program I am interested in and I admire the cancer research institute that’s nearby the campus. In addition, Rutgers University in New Brunswick, NJ is near Highland Park an area that is LGBTQ friendly. Rowan University also has the degree program I am interested in, but the research institutes nearby the campus are not as diverse as Rutgers University. As for Stockton University, I like the campus nature landscape and the trails that have trees and a lake nearby. Also, Stockton University is very LGBTQ friendly. They have a transgender community at Stockton University and I’ve met some people there because I was there once for an LGBTQ community event. I hope that my high school transcripts will arrive at Stockton University and Rowan University soon because I have ordered them and it takes around two weeks for the colleges to receive them. So after April 11th, if the colleges haven’t received the high school transcripts, then I may have to resend them. The admissions decisions for all three colleges is April 15th, but some colleges that are awaiting my Ocean County College Spring semester grades and high school transcripts are still thinking about the admissions decisions. In the meantime, I am working on my school assignments for the Spring semester. My Art History class has book questions due each week which I always submit on time. My US History III class has two more quizzes this month, an essay and a final exam which I am preparing for. I have a good outline for my Art History class assignment essay that is due April 25th and the presentation that is due May 14th. My Anatomy/Physiology II class will have an exam this Thursday April 11th so I will be studying for it, but I feel confident that I will do well in that class as well. I want to work on a schedule so I can plan my Chemistry II assignments so I don’t fall behind because although I have been doing well on the exams, I haven’t been doing well on the assignments so I am working on improving my scores. The science classes have lab components that are separate courses that help with the lecture. I am doing well in both Anatomy/Physiology II lab and lecture. For Chemistry II, the lecture is going well, but I need to work on doing better on my assignments. As for Chemistry II lab, the professor is tough grader and even if my answers make sense she still grades them harshly if they are wrong. The Chemistry II lab professor takes points off if one of your trials in the lab went wrong (even if she sees what happened like the lab equipment failed) and she’ll only give students half credit for their lab report. I like how my Chemistry II lab professor explains things and makes the concepts easier to understand, but I wish she wouldn’t grade so harshly because I currently have a 65 in lab right now. I am still passing the lab class because students need a 60 or higher to pass courses, but I want to have a better grade. My Chemistry II lecture grade is an 85 though. So my average grade for Chemistry II (lecture plus lab) is a C. Hopefully I’ll be able to work on building up my lab grade.

    My Ocean Pride LGBTQ friends at Ocean County College are amazing and they help me when I feel stressed. They linked me to Ocean Crest mental health services that has resources to help me with my anxiety and gender dysphoria. It is helpful talking with friends and the people of Ocean Crest because the more I talk about my feelings the more I understand myself and feel better about myself. I hope that the colleges that I applied to for transferring will have good news for admissions decisions and I will be able to live on campus away from my parents. I am hoping to find internships at the four year universities so I can start saving money and working on getting therapy and medically transitioning. Since I am under 26 (still 20 years old), I am under my parents’ insurance and they don’t accept my gender identity so I will have to save money to buy my own insurance or have enough to pay out-of-pocket. My friends from Ocean Pride LGBTQ are helpful at giving me resources where I can work on the transitioning process which is exciting but it’s still difficult because I still live in my parents’ home and am using their insurance so when the resources that they help me find ask me for insurance, I often feel conflicted because I don’t want to go through my parents insurance but I know that it’s expensive to pay out-of-pocket. I know that Stockton University is quite close to the Mazzoni Center in Pennsylvania and the Mazzoni Center specializes in transgender people. They also operate on a sliding scale where if you don’t have insurance, they can see your situation and your income and determine the best way for you to still get therapy, but for hormones you would have to pay out-of-pocket but the cost wouldn’t be an expensive amount of money. I am hoping to visit the Mazzoni Center soon and see what options I have. Meanwhile my Ocean Pride LGBTQ friends have linked me up with Ocean Crest in Toms River, NJ near my my community college. Ocean Crest members have therapists that help guide you and it’s helpful but they don’t have a sliding scale and although they are LGBTQ friendly, they don’t know a lot about transgender people as the Mazzoni Center does. But I still find it helpful to have a resource closer to help me just to talk about my feelings when I feel overwhelmed at times. The counselors at Ocean County College are helpful as well and they also provide me with support and the drop-in services are helpful because when I feel stressed I can stop by and talk. The counselors also started a Mindfulness Meditation program that runs on Thursdays in the library that I enjoy going to because it helps me de-stress. Although I am quite busy with classes, working on graduating from Ocean County College and transfering as well as thinking about the transitioning process I feel quite hopeful and think I am making progress. I still have moments when I feel distressed and distant from myself like I feel like I’m hitting roadblocks and my dysphoria makes me feel depressed but I am grateful to have friends who help me understand myself. My friends help me find myself again and work on picking up the pieces of myself and help me feel more whole. I think I have become a better person and am growing more confident about myself since I started community college. Now I am in my last semester of Ocean County College and I realize that I have more of a sense of self than when first started. I am grateful to have friends like you who helped me along the way. Thank you for being who you are and for being the stars that shine giving me light in the darkness and reminding me and there’s still hope. It is friends like you who helped me become the person I am today and keep me striving for the person I want to be. Wish you all the best in the week ahead Anita!

    #288093
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

    Good to read from you! In your post, your thinking reads reasonable and organized and the content is promising: you know your situations, all angles of it- your current professors’ teaching styles and grading policies, the requirements and due dates of applications to the three four year universities, the advantages of each, your strong preference for Rutgers, the limitations of your current health insurance, future transitioning possibilities, costs and locations.. excellent, being on top  of the practicalities of your situation.

    You are receiving excellent LGBTQ support and guidance as well as counseling, and you will continue being connected to this community in your future four year university.

    I hope you will be able to live on campus, not with your parents and that you will become more and more independent from your parents in every way, making your own choices thoughtfully and responsibly, no longer being burdened by their ways.

    I like to think of you continuing your progress, living your life your way. I am glad you consider me your friend and am looking forward to read from you again.

    anita

    #293367
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

    I want to let you know I am thinking about you. It is three more days and the Spring Semester will be over. I imagine you are very busy and will continue to be busy for a long time. I hope you are doing well and are getting the emotional and social support you need. I hope to read from you when you have the time to post again.

    anita

     

    #293541
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    It’s good to have a special soul like you in my life. I applied to three universities: Stockton University, Rowan University and Rutgers University. Stockton University has accepted me and I have been working on financial aid applications with them. For Rutgers University and Rowan University, they are still awaiting my Spring semester classes to make admissions decisions. I have finished most of my classes exams and papers and only have a Chemistry II lab exam and Chemistry II lecture exam this week. There is only three days left of the Spring semester and then summer Physics course runs from May 20th through June 25th. I have prepared my notes for the summer course as well as the two exams coming up this week. I have been talking  to Ocean Crest members that help me with stress. My Ocean County College LGBTQ members help each other study for finals which is very helpful. I am hoping that after my Spring semester grades are sent, I will hear good news from Rutgers University and Rowan University. I think Rutgers University is my main choice because it offers the genetic engineering career I am interested in and there is a cancer research center that I hope to work at. Rowan University is a smaller campus than Rutgers University and offers the same genetic engineering major, but there are lesser lab research places than Rutgers so that is my second choice. As for Stockton University where I’ve already been admitted, I like the natural surroundings and the campus offers a cozy atmosphere. Stockton University is the smallest and they only have one main lab research center on campus, but it’s still pretty cool. The lab at Stockton University is small and doesn’t have many people, but researchers can study DNA molecular structure there. Although Stockton University does not have the genetic engineering degree that I am interested in, their molecular biology degree is similar and the one lab on campus allows students to learn about cells and DNA which is what genetic engineers do. Stockton University says I can enter in as a Molecular Biologist for my undergraduate studies and work in the lab and for my graduate studies transfer my credits to genetic engineering. In addition they have a partnership with Rutgers University, so if I go for Molecular Biology at Stockton University as an undergraduate study, then I can apply to Rutgers University for genetic engineering as my graduate study. It sounds good and I am considering that option, but I still want to see if Rowan University and Rutgers University will accept me so I can jump straight to genetic engineering without having to do a minor degree. Over Spring break (March 19th-25th), I finished some Chemistry II lab reports and my Art History museum presentation. March was a busy month with midterms and college applications, but I managed to get most of my assignments done. I had more exams in April especially in Anatomy/Physiology II and the colleges that I applied to were sending me emails about documents that they needed so I was working on sending them. I took my Art History final, US History III final and Anatomy/Physiology II final May 9th and handed in my US History III paper on the impact of railroads on the economy and Civil War. Mostly this week is studying for Chemistry II, my last final and preparing for summer classes. Since Spring semester ends May 15th and summer course starts May 20th, there’s not much of a break. The good thing is that in the summer I only have one class as opposed to the six classes I have for the Spring semester. I am looking forward to completing my credits at Ocean County College and transferring because I will be living either on campus at a four year university or nearby away from my parents. I may seek some internships so I can make money and save for therapists as well as transitioning. I am excited, but it’s a lot of work filling out papers for colleges, working on assignments and studying but I am feeling hopeful. It will take five days after the Spring semester is done before my grades are posted so I can send them to Rutgers University and Rowan University and it takes two weeks for the universities to make a decision once the grades are sent to them. So I’ll probably hear from Rutgers University  and Rowan University around late May, early June.

     

    Thank you for much Anita for being the beautiful soul you are. I am grateful to have you in my life. Hope you have a good week ahead and blessings to you in all your life’s endeavors. Take care of yourself and best wishes to you!

    #293547
    Janus
    Participant

    Here is a poem:

     

    The Light of Friendship

    Friends like you bring light into my life

    Reminding me that I can be strong in times of strife

    Thank you for being the candle that helps illuminate my way

     

    When the sadness comes into my days, friends make me feel like things will be okay

     

    Wherever I go, I hope there will be friends in tow

     

    Thank you for spreading your positivity to help me through the negativity

     

    When I feel lost, friends help encourage me and give me clarity

     

    Blessings to all my friends for making my life beautiful, I am grateful to have beautiful souls that make me smile each day

    Good luck and abundance come your way and may our friendship be here to stay

     

    Friendship hug to you during the hard times when you feel like you’re falling apart, thank you special friend dear in my heart

     

    Life without you isn’t the same because you’ve helped me grow into a better person and help establish my creativity

     

    So I hope that each day the burdens are lighter and so your heart feels lighter and more free

     

    Thank you special soul, so dear to me

     

     

    #293549
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel:

    Good reading from you!

    This week then you are focused on studying for Chemistry 2 final and preparing for your summer course which starts May 20. Longer term, late May/ early June, you should be hearing from Rutgers. If they accept you, you will choose Rutgers over the two other options. If you are not accepted by Rutgers or Rowan (your second choice, if I understand correctly), you will enroll in Stockton (where you were already accepted), study a minor there, and then transfer to Rutgers

    In any of these 4 universities, you will be living on campus (excellent!) and maybe make some money doing internships and use that money for therapy and transitioning.

    I am impressed by how well you plan and execute your plan, patiently, diligently, well done, if I may say so!

    anita

    #293661
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I hope you have a good week ahead and blessings to you for being the special person you are. Financial aid documents can be difficult for the universities that I am applying for, but I am keeping track of the financial aid resources of each school and keeping things organized. I am presenting in Art History today about the New Jersey State Museum which I visited during Spring break and explaining why the museum is a significant part of art history. I also have my Chemistry II lab exam today, hope I do well on it. Thank you so much for your encouragement that always brightens my days. I am grateful to have a friend like you in my life who inspires me to become a better person each day. My Chemistry II lab classmates are very helpful and they help each other with lab calculations and Chemistry II notes. I hope that during my summer Physics course I also have helpful classmates in my class helping me with the material if I struggle. My lab partner and I work well together, checking each others calculations and also making sure each other understands the material. If one of us doesn’t understand it, the other helps with it. The students help each other understand the lab experiments and also study for the exams and provide encouragement to each other. Even though Chemistry II is a hard class, it has been great having my lab classmates and lecture classmates help me along. I will miss Ocean County College when I graduate, but I will be back to visit. I only have a presentation for Art History (today), Chemistry II lab exam (today) and Chemistry II lecture exam (tomorrow) and the semester is done. The last Ocean Pride LGBTQ meeting is Friday, May 17th and it’s a celebration for the club members and also a way to welcome new members to the club. I will be at the last meeting and when I transfer to a four year university, I will revisit Ocean County College to see how the Ocean Pride LGBTQ club is doing. Hope that it continues and inspires other students as it helped me. All three universities that I’ve applied to are LGBTQ friendly. Rowan University allows me to use my preferred name Janus and also has good housing options for LGBTQ people. Stockton University has a Transgender Pride group on campus that meets once a week and they provide access to resources the students may need like mental health services and pronoun pins. Rutgers University has seminars educating people about LGBTQ people and there are LGBTQ cultural history classes students can take that I am interested in. In addition, Rutgers University has Pride events during the early spring/summer months where LGBTQ people can meet other people and learn about how to thrive in the workplace and seek the resources they need. Thank you so much Anita for all that you do and for brightening my life just by being you, thank you special soul so true hope your light shines like the stars during the darkest times.

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