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This topic contains 1,228 replies, has 21 voices, and was last updated by  anita 23 hours, 29 minutes ago.

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  • #336626

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    You asked for my advice regarding your elevated anxiety. Get more sleep of course, most important. Lack of sleep elevates anxiety.

    But I have something else for you, it is in response to what you wrote in your most recent post: “I feel more like a human doing fighting my dysphoria… I feel so tired of consistently trying to fight myself... fighting myself is straining”-

    – stop fighting yourself, is my advice.

    Thing is, I don’t think you are fighting your dysphoria. I think that you are fighting your body. Fighting against your dysphoria would have meant aiming at no longer fighting against your body.

    Every day you wake up hating your body, fighting against it, and every day you are losing that fight. I have no  problem with you appearing male, feeling male, expressing yourself male, identifying yourself male, planning of a future transitioning (following a lengthy and thorough counseling and research), but I do have a problem with the following: every day you wake up you are fighting against your body, against the biological gender you were born with. It is draining you.

    I am suggesting that you entertain the following thinking: postpone your gender dysphoria thoughts and activities best you can until you are in a financial position to get that counseling and transitioning you are planning on having. Make peace with your biological gender as is because you can’t change it (until you are in a financial position to transition).

    In other words, you are in a daily impossible position: you are in war against your biological gender with ZERO chances of winning.

    Postpone the war until  such time that you have a chance to win this war.

    Dress as you wish, keep your hair shot, exercise in moderation, and accept your biological gender for now, because there it is, every hour, every day, every night, to stay for a long time, until transitioning is possible for you.

    Accept it, radically accept it.

    anita

    #337220

    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    Thank you for your encouragement. I have been working on building a schedule to keep track of my assignments. My meditation class professor extended the research summary that was originally due February 6th to February 8th and I managed to find a study on how heartfulness meditation (focusing on the heart’s space and cultivating loving-kindness for each situation that arises) helps healthcare workers reduce their stress levels and I found the clinical study interesting and inspirational. I finished the research summary for my meditation class on that clinical study for heartfulness meditation for healthcare workers and I decided to look into heartfulness/loving-kindness meditation techniques for my own practices. I liked the heartfulness meditation techniques that I found because most of them are about focusing on your heartbeat and feeling the warmth of your heart’s light radiating compassion and loving-kindness with each heartbeat. Since my chest gives me dysphoria, I find that focusing my attention on my heart’s space and just embracing the feelings that I have and being aware of my heartbeat helps me de-stress. Whenever the thoughts wander, I say “Thinking” and return my awareness to my heart. When I feel my heart race with anxiety, I allow myself to feel the emotions in my heart and not judge them. The heartfulness meditations say to focus on the emotions and embrace them rather than fighting them because fighting them often stresses us more, but embracing them, the emotions seem to weaken because we start to acknowledge them and see them for what they are. By allowing the emotions to flow and not judge or fight them but just remain focused on the heart’s space and spreading loving-kindness helps me feel better and realize that things are okay. I am currently working on the heartfulness meditation and am thinking of using it as the meditation presentation that I will be presenting for my meditation class on February 27th. People can be their own worst critics and sometimes I feel like I’m consistently fighting myself because I want to look masculine but it’s quite straining trying so hard. So heartfulness meditation practice is helping me realize that who I am is much more than the dysphoria but that I am the love in my heart and by focusing on the love in my heart with each heartbeat, I say to myself “I am every bit masculine enough and my heart is filled with loving-kindness for myself because I am okay. Who I  am is enough and with each heartbeat I am letting go of things that don’t resonate with my heart. I am expressing myself with love and things will be okay.” I took a day off from Organic Chemistry lab on February 4th because I was feeling quite stressed and I had to take my car to the car repair shop. So the car repair shop said my car likely has a catalytic converter problem but it’s safe to drive, but since my car is getting older I am working on getting a new one just in case the older one isn’t easy to fix or ages out. My genetics lab class goes quite fast with the professor explaining things quite quickly and the classmates only help a little. Sometimes we do three experimental exercises in one lab session and the teacher goes through the instructions quite quickly. I do wish that he would go slower and that the classmates would explain things more when I ask them questions but both the teacher and classmates only explain things briefly and I often have to figure things out on my own. The Organic Chemistry lab professor is very thorough with explaining lab experiments and I went to his office after missing a lab class on February 4th and he was very helpful in helping me get more caught up. I am working on the Prelab for experiment 3 due this Tuesday February 11th. Since I missed lab experiment 2 class, I wrote an excuse note and I uploaded it online to where lab 2 assignments would be posted. Since I was struggling with gender dysphoria and car, I didn’t have time to complete lab report one for February 4th. So I am missing one assignment for Organic Chemistry lab, but that’s okay. I am hoping that since there are still more days in the semester that my grade will improve. In addition, missing only two lab assignments puts me at a B+ because my quiz grades for lab have been good. I am going to work out a schedule where I organize time to dedicate to each of my class assignments so that I can keep track of them and also work on managing time in case of stressful situations that come up I will still be able to get things done without missing more assignments. My genetics lab class has a lab report due march 5th and I am working on the draft of it. My lab partner and I counted fruit flies and did a mating with them to see what offspring would result. I do wish that my lab professor in my genetics lab class explained things better and slower. I have asked for a note-taker to help take notes for me in genetics lecture so that I have more complete notes to study from since I have the same professor for lecture and lab and he goes fast. The note-taker will take notes in genetics and send them to me via email so I have them as reference. it would be helpful if the note-taker could help take notes in genetics lab as well but since lab experiments are individually done there usually aren’t note-takers to take notes in lab so students have to take notes about lab experiments themselves. I hope that my genetics class goes okay this semester because lab is a bit stressful but there is only one lab report that has a relatively simple format but working on understanding the data from genetics lab experiments to writing the fruit fly lab report is a bit stressful because I am not sure if I fully understand the data I collected and since I worked with a lab partner I am not sure if each of our notes seems to fit together because both of us will be submitting individual reports but the reports will have both our names on them. For Organic Chemistry lab, there is a lab report due after each experiment and the format for the lab reports are more complex but they aren’t too difficult to follow, Organic Chemistry labs usually have more steps compared to genetics labs. the professor and the classmates are very helpful for Organic Chemistry lab experiments and I find that I can work on them quite well. My Organic Chemistry lecture professor is good at explaining things as well but sometimes I feel like she explains certain topics in a less clearer way like she will take time to explain something that isn’t too complex in more detail and it helps give the students more perspective on how the Organic Chemistry problem may be applied in the real world but when it comes to the shapes of molecular orbitals and electron densities that help determine how atoms bond that is more complex she doesn’t give much detail about that and sometimes I feel confused. But the good thing is that she tells us where to find practice in the Organic Chemistry textbook to build our knowledge and she takes problems from the book to help explain the more challenging concepts which is helpful. Since she knows that some people may be Strugling in Organic Chemistry she offers extra credit which helps boost grades. So far in the week ahead, I have a genetics exam monday February 17th, a meditation class exam February 14th,  genetics lab introduction and methods write up for the fruit fly experiment describing what we did in the lab, and Organic Chemistry prelab due February 11th. I just finished my genetics ch. 3-5 homework today. I finished my meditation research summary yesterday (it was due today) and I wrote the outline for my meditation presentation yesterday (due February 27th). I also posted a response to the research summary that the other students wrote saying which meditation research study was the most interesting ( had to do two one response today, first response was yesterday and it’s due Monday February 10th)

    Wishing you well in the week ahead!

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 3 weeks ago by  Janus.
    #337296

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    “heartfulness meditation practice is helping me realize that who I am is much more than the dysphoria.. focusing on the ove in my heart”- excellent.

    Good thing your Organic Chemistry lab professor is very thorough with explaining lab experiments, and that he was very helpful to you getting caught up, and wish your genetic lab professor explained things better and slower.

    I hope you get more organized, manage your time better, and manage your stress better as well. And continue to take advantage of any possible help offered in Stockton.

    Thank you for your wishes for me, and I wish you a good rest of Sunday and the week ahead!

    anita

    #339408

    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita
    The counselors at Stockton have been helping me cope with my stresses and I have appointments with them every two weeks, my next appointment is February 25th. I have decided to go part-time by dropping the meditation class so that I can focus on my two science classes- Genetics and Organic Chemistry. The meditation class was on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 8:30am-10:20am and since I have to drive an hour and a half to get to Stockton campus I had to wake at 5:45am to prepare and left at 6:30am and would arrive on campus at 7:45am where it would take a few minutes to go to class and prepare. Since I had to get up early I found myself quite tired throughout the week so I decided to withdraw from the meditation class. Since I had three classes on Wednesdays and got home late, I found it tiring to have a class so early the next morning. So withdrawing from the meditation class made me be able to sleep more and I could rest on Thursdays after having the most of my classes on Wednesdays. I also could spend time on Tuesdays before my Organic Chemistry lab class started at 2:25pm to study and prepare for lab and just focus on that rather than having to go to a meditation class early in the morning. I am thinking of establishing a meditation routine of my own to help deal with the anxiety I’ve been feeling lately and the class helped set a background and even though I withdrew from it, I still learned some useful tips. I am also part of Student Success Services and have a mentor who helps me plan ways to dedicate my time and study effectively and it’s helpful. My gender dysphoria has been getting more intense lately and it’s difficult to focus on things and I find myself always feeling anxious about myself. I feel shaky, my throat hurts and my heart races most of the time and I am always wondering if I look masculine enough and whether people will say anything to me that might make me feel dysphoric and it’s been quite straining lately that sometimes I feel like I want to just fall asleep and not wake up since I’m anxious a lot. Since my parents are paying for my college tuition, they will yell at me when I feel stressed because they are disappointed at me and think I’m not regulating my emotions well enough or that I have nothing to be stressed about and they say that maybe I’m just not smart enough to pursue science and that gives me more stress. Sometimes when I cry, my parents will yell at me and say that I don’t need to cry and that crying is a waste of time even though I find that after crying I feel better because not crying and hiding the feelings inside sometimes makes me feel detached from myself and I can feel the emotions pricking me like thorns and then I become detached and feel like I’m not living. I have found myself crying a lot lately because the anxiety is quite intense and I always feel like I’m unsafe like there is someone who will hurt or criticize me because I try to be myself. Sometimes I worry that I am not good enough when I get lost in gender dysphoria because others seem to be able to focus on their studies. I do tend to understand some things that the professor says in Genetics and Organic Chemistry but sometimes  I find myself fighting to keep my anxiety from bubbling up because little things like not understanding a problem fully will trigger it. I wish my professor went slower in class for genetics because I find that I have just started to work out the problem for fifteen minutes and he will go over it quite quickly and then move on. My Organic Chemistry professor explains things quite thoroughly and saves time to help students understand things, she also gives students time to think about the problems and will take time to explain in more detail if students don’t understand. My genetics professor if you ask him a question he answers it briefly and then moves on and sometimes I feel like I haven’t fully grasped the concepts yet and when I ask him again in a different way, he will re-explain it more briefly than before and will crack a joke saying why the student didn’t fully understand before and ask if they were fully paying attention which is why I sometimes feel intimidated to ask questions to my genetics professor because it makes me feel more anxious when he explains it briefly and expects students to understand it after a while. I am grateful that my Organic Chemistry professor goes slower and gives students problems to try and explains how things relate to each other much better. The genetics lab fruit fly lab report is due on March 6th and I am still working on understanding the fruit fly data because the professor didn’t really explain much about data interpretation, he just gave example problems of fruit flies and said that students could include relevant data and only gave a rubric for the lab report without really explaining much. My organic Chemistry lab professor explains the lab experiments quite clearly and also helps students understand what tools they need to use. He helps students understand how to analyze the data and gives them good advice on how to work on the lab report and since he explains things quite well I find that I understand Organic Chemistry lab much better. Currently though because of intense gender dysphoria, I have been missing some Organic Chemistry lab assignments (four lab reports because I have been struggling with focusing). Likewise my parents have been having loud discussions when I try to study and work at home about financial things or the car that I have which needs a few repairs and I find it distracting. I find that I set a time to work on my lab report for Organic Chemistry because there is a lab report due for each lab experiment and my parents will move things around (sometimes they are my stuff that I placed there because I decided that would be a good place to put it so I can find it when I need it but they move it around and it causes me stress) or my parents will be talking with their family members on the phone and the conversations are a bit loud and distracting or I have to use the computer and I planned my schedule to work on the assignments at this time and my parents are fixing something and the noise distteacts me or they are trying to rearrange things that I specifically placed in a way that works for me in another way and I find it irritating. This is why I tend to do most of my studying on campus in the library where it is quiet and I won’t be disturbed but there are some assignments I need to bring home as well. I find that when I am preparing for a presentation and will read the material aloud to prepare for it, that it helps me work on it but there aren’t many places where I can work on practicing a presentation where I won’t be disturbed. I was thinking of perhaps printing out the presentation slides and going to my bedroom and doing it that way. If you have any advice on places to prepare for a presentation without getting distracted or ways to work on presenting I am looking forward to hearing them. Lately I feel like the gender dysphoria is quite intense and I sometimes feel like it would be better to withdraw from my classes and retake them in the fall 2020 semester but I like learning about science and being on campus gives me access to resources like the counselors. I do feel like I am strained but I think that if I withdraw from my classes, then I won’t have counseling because counseling is only available to enrolled lstudents. Although I withdrew from meditation class and am part-time taking Genetics and Organic Chemistry still takes lots of work. I enjoy science because I like to analyze and understand the world around me and the nature around the campus is relaxing. Part of me wants to withdraw from all my classes and take a break, part of me wants to enjoy learning and having access to the mental health resources provided to students so I’m hoping for advice. So far, I have taken two quizzes in Organic Chemistry and received a 71 and a 76 on them. I received a 67.75 on my Genetics exam which isn’t great. The semester has been a rough start and the car that I drive to campus with often needs tune-ups and repairs so that takes some time. I have a Organic Chemistry lab 5 Prelab due Tuesday, Ch. 7 questions for Genetics due Sunday, Organic Chemistry exam February 27th and a fruit fly lab report due March 4th. I hope that I can make it through the semester if I decide to stay since I will have access to mental health resources even though part of me wants to withdraw. I’m not sure how my Organic Chemistry lab will turn out because I’ve already missed four lab assignments but there are still five to go. Thank you for being here and listening, blessings to you Anita.

     

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 1 week ago by  Janus.
    #339448

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    I read your recent post and have the following input and advice:

    #1 Priority: Minimize your distress level: dropping the meditation class was a wise choice for this purpose. Studying at Stockton’s library instead of  at home whenever possible, is another wise choice. Continuing to use the counseling services as well as  student success services is another wise choice.

    It will not be a wise choice for you to drop all your classes and no longer attend Stockton. If you did that, you will be around your parents 24/7 and that will be bad for you.

    When at home, see if having headphones on with the sound of ocean waves or rain or a train can block the noise that your parents produce talking loudly and moving things.

    Find a way to relax your gender dysphoria. Find a way to accept your body as it is right now. At the least, find a way to lower your distress regarding your body being physically female. I know you don’t want to be physically female, but not wanting it and hating it.. doesn’t change the fact that you are physically female. Interacting with other  LGBT students/ people on the internet, that doesn’t change the fact that you are physically female.

    Any and all the terms and labels of the LGBT literature does not change the fact (I know I am repeating myself) that you are indeed physically female.

    Find a way to be less distressed- for now- with the physical reality of your body.

    Aim at being okay with the physical reality of your body, so that you can proceed with your studies at Stockton, so that you don’t end up with your parents 24/7.

    Do you see how important it is that you lower and lower your distress over the physical reality of your body?

    Whenever we humans reject reality, we get into trouble. Not only as far as the realities of our bodies, but otherwise, in every area.

    Relax some of the  LGBT labels and explanations of things, let it not be your god and bible. Don’t let it tell you that there is no way for you to relax into the reality of your body, that the only way for you to live is in extreme distress and misery until such time that you can afford hormones and surgeries.

    Relax into your physical reality now. After all, as a science student and a science enthusiast, you are supposed to see physical reality as it is and accept it, be it the reality of stars and planets, the reality of plants and animals and the reality of this one animal- you!

    Stick to the science of you- physically female. Aim to accept this scientific reality of who you are. At the least aim to accept this for the next four years.

    anita

    #340280

    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    The Genetics class often has quizzes and exams on similar days of the Organic Chemistry class. I am mostly struggling with the genetics lab class because I wish the professor explained things slower and that the classmates could help but they seem to be working independently and don’t really take time to explain things fully. My anxiety doesn’t really help things as well because even though I will be able to understand some parts of the experiments, sometimes I will shake during lab and then ask for help because I am having trouble. Most of the time I will try to work things out by myself and only ask when I really feel like I need to. However when I ask my lab classmates they sometimes get irritated with me because they don’t understand why I don’t understand the material when they do at times or why I’ll shake at times and that makes me more anxious. I did tell my professor that I was struggling and he did work on helping me with questions, but he explained them really briefly and quickly and I still felt confused. I decided to withdraw from genetics  because I was struggling a lot. Withdrawing from that class means that I only have Organic Chemistry now which is Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays along with a lab class on Tuesdays. The professor for Organic Chemistry is better at explaining things and gives students time to think and copy down the notes, and she will go over the material at a slower pace spreading out the topics evenly over a week which I find helpful. The Organic Chemistry lab class takes a lot of time to understand the experiments and also keep the lab notebook and I feel like I’m not doing well in lab because I’ve been missing lab reports and three lab classes because of my anxieties. I’m at the point where I want to drop out of Organic Chemistry as well because I’m really stressed about the lab grade that I have even though the lecture grade is good. The good thing about Organic Chemistry is that the students in both lab and lecture are helpful and the classmates help each other out and the professor is good at helping me work on catching up. I want to continue using the counseling services at Stockton and their mental health workshops, but I think that I have to be currently enrolled in classes in order to have access to counseling so I am trying to stay in Organic Chemistry. After withdrawing from my genetics class, I now have my classes on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays start from 12:45pm-2pm. I don’t have three back to back classes on Wednesdays like I used to when I was taking genetics because before I had three classes on Wednesdays and I got home late from school because my genetics lab ended at 5pm and I would drive two hours and be home at 7pm. Now that I have withdrawn from genetics I have a looser schedule with the only late class on Tuesday which is Organic Chemistry lab 2:25pm-5:05pm. I just feel really strained and not sure what to do lately.

    #340312

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    I think it was a good move, to withdraw from Genetics. Stick to Organic Chemistry. The looser schedule can do miracles for you. Try to keep calm best you can. You should feel less anxious soon enough. Give it some time.

    If your shakes continue, see a doctor. I don’t think we ever discussed psychiatric drugs, but in case your anxiety remains severe even though your schedule is looser, talk to a doctor regarding drugs to reduce your anxiety.

    I hope to read an update from you soon regarding your anxiety following you adjusting to your new schedule.

    anita

    #340876

    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I have been seeing the counselors at Stockton and there are psychiatrists on campus who may provide medications for anxiety. There is also a nutritionist who helps students plan healthy meals so that they have balanced energy levels throughout the day. Organic Chemistry lecture class is okay, it’s the labs that take time and since my anxiety makes me shake and makes it hard to focus sometimes I will have to miss lab classes. The anxiety has caused my heart to race, shortness of breath, feeling brain haze and sometimes zoning out, feeling extremely self-conscious, feeling warm all of a sudden and after a while feeling cold because I expended lots of energy. I also feel shaky when walking, will cry easily, feel like I don’t want to get out of bed sometimes or that it would be better to just fall asleep and not wake up, have a stomach that tends to churn and rumble because of the anxiety (sometimes after eating I feel uncomfortably full even though I only ate a little or I just don’t feel hungry at times and then after a long time my body feels really hungry because I haven’t eaten and after I eat I feel bloated and stomach pain). Also I have been breaking out in more acne because of the anxiety. Recently I just healed from an ear infection because of anxiety. I just feel like I’m losing myself and don’t know how to live anymore because I just feel exhausted and wish I could just fade away and let go of the pain because it’s taking over my life. My parents will yell at me saying that it’s just me thinking this way and if I could change my thoughts I would be okay and they think that I have nothing to be anxious about. I just feel like I’m afraid of myself currently and starting to feel detached and lately I’ve been having trouble falling asleep and tossing and turning. I’m still slightly afraid of the dark, because my mind sees patterns of shadows and ghosts but I know that they aren’t real and it’s just my mind being more alert because it is dark outside. I think there’s a term called hypnagogic hallucinations where a person will see shadows or ghosts in the darkness or before they wake because their minds tend to try to make patterns to try to understand how they are feeling or what they think they will see and in the dark or moments before waking up the brain is not fully aware so there is a peripheral sense that causes people to be aware of certain patterns and shapes and then when they fully wake they know that what they saw isn’t real because it fades away. It is often due to stress that causes people to have hypnagogic hallucinations because stress can strain the mind but people after being initially startled become aware and they know it isn’t real. It is a common part of sleep paralysis and often it is caused by lots of mental stress because the body is stressed and wants to sleep but the mind is still anxious so you have an in-between state where you are semi-aware and that is where the person starts experiencing things. Hope this makes sense. Thank you for being here and listening. Hoping to hear from you.

    #340878

    Janus
    Participant

    For a more organized format:

    I’m not sure if it’s intense anxiety or trauma that’s causing this but lately I’ve been feeling :

    brain haze that makes it hard to focus on things

    Heart’s racing and chest pain (could be from binding long hours and tightly due to dysphoria)

    Feeling shaky when I’m walking and doing things

    Throat aches and voice sounds strained, crackling or high-pitched or sometimes it’s low

    Shortness of breath especially after walking a few distances

    Feeling tired and lacking energy, but having trouble sleeping because I toss and turn and sometimes wake up shaking and then fall asleep (only happens once) or sometimes I’ll cry in my sleep

    Mostly at night in the dark (I like to shower in the dark because of dysphoria), I will see spots of light in my vision (I’m nearsighted meaning I see near things clearly but far things appear more blurred). Sometimes I’ll see shadows in the darkness and sometimes my heart will race because I think that the shadows might come for me even though I know they aren’t real I still shake.

    Sometimes before waking up and my vision is still half asleep I’ll see a shadow spider walk across the ceiling and it’ll startle me to full waking and I realize it’s not real and then I will lay in bed looking at the ceiling to calm my racing heart.

    There’s a thing called hypnagogic hallucinations where a person’s brain will make out patterns in the darkness when they are just falling asleep or waking up because their minds are not aware and they are just seeing patterns of things that they fear because it is a way for the brain to tell the person to be more alert because it is dark outside and the eyes cannot see as well. Hypnagogic hallucinations may startle a person but after the person has full awareness they know it’s not real and even though they may feel apprehensive when they are experiencing it, some part of their logical mind is there and that’s why they are able to relax their minds and realize that it is not real. They happen when a person is under lots of stress. So I think that maybe the shadows I’ve been seeing are due to hypnagogia because I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and I only see them when it’s dark.

    I have also been breaking out in acne because of stress and I recently healed from an ear infection due to stress.

    Sometimes I will hear voices in my mind which are memories that I get lost in of my parents yelling at me because of my stress and they think that I have nothing to be anxious about, but my gender dysphoria gives me a lot of stress especially since they don’t accept my gender identity.

    I felt like I had to get my feelings out because I tend to hold them back and then I feel numb and lost.

    #340912

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    I think it’s time for psychiatric drugs for the purpose of giving you relief from the intense anxiety you expressed in your recent posts.

    I am so sorry that your parents still yell at you. I don’t understand how they have it in their hearts to yell at their daughter who is already struggling with a lot of anxiety, how they can be so insensitive to you by yelling at you!

    The hypnagogic hallucinations you described, have you ever had other kinds of hallucinations, such as daydreaming (about you and other people talking, interacting happily, and such) that appeared so real that you experienced them as real?

    anita

    #340966

    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I am thinking of reaching out to other counselors nearby my hometown Brick, NJ because Stockton is in Galloway, NJ which is an hour away. Hoping  to find someone who isn’t too expensive because sometimes the private counselors are anywhere between $100-200. There is one counselor in Brick, NJ who helps with gender dysphoria and since I’m out of network for my insurance, she has a sliding scale for therapy sessions and the scale is $30-110, where I think I might be able to pay out-of-pocket if it’s in the $30-60 range. The counselor said that the only available appointments she has are in April, so I would have to wait. In the meantime I want to keep seeing the counselors at Stockton and also get involved in the Transcendence group on campus to meet other transgender people. I also reconnected with the nutritionist on campus because my anxiety sometimes makes me not really feel hungry and other times I will feel really hungry so I’m hoping that she can help provide tips on how to be healthy in eating with anxiety. I am feeling really stressed because working through my mental health has caused me to feel quite tired at times and there are times when I just feel really emotional and will start crying. I just feel like I’m falling apart and working on building myself up by working through my emotions that are really intense. Having my parents yell at me saying that I am only acting like this because it’s all because of the thoughts in my mind and saying that I am not meant to be a scientist is quite straining. I enjoy science but working on my mental health can take a lot out of me and I find that I might have to take a break from academics. I am thinking of dropping Organic Chemistry as well because I just don’t have the mental power to focus on it. I have a counseling appointment tomorrow at Stockton and I am going to talk with my counselor about the stresses. I just feel like I’m under a lot of pressure and my parents aren’t making it any better. Sometimes when I’m driving to college, I am aware of the road but I drive in a haze not really feeling in touch with my surroundings. I feel lost in anxiety. I don’t really daydream much, it’s mostly at night when I start seeing shadows because of the darkness and my stress. When I do daydream or get lost in thought, I am still aware of the world around me and I know that the daydream is just my mind bringing up past memories. Sometimes I will start crying because I will remember a past memory and I will get lost in it. I just feel like I’m done trying because I’m just so tired and feeling like I’m not sure if I even exist in life sometimes like things just feel like a haze and I just feel like I’m falling apart not sure how to mend and I realize I need help so I want to keep the counselors at Stockton but I feel like if I withdraw from Organic Chemistry I will not be enrolled in any classes and I won’t be able to seek counseling because counseling appointments are likely for enrolled students.

    #340970

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    Your anxiety has been high for a long, long time and you need help to lower it. When you talk to the counselor tomorrow make sure to tell her how very anxious you’ve been (maybe you can copy your recent post where you described so thoroughly how anxious you are), tell her that your parents yell at you still (they’ve been yelling at you for years!), tell her about your plan to drop Organic Chemistry and about your concern of not having the university counseling services available to you once you drop the last remaining class.

    Please let me know how it goes and do your best to relax.

    anita

    #341180

    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I think that I will still have access to Transcendence group and other support groups if I withdraw from Organic Chemistry. I will still  be able to attend anxiety support groups, Transcendence group for transgender people and still be able to attend meditation groups on campus.

    I likely won’t have counseling services or other wellness services like psychiatrists and nutritionists because I won’t be enrolled in classes. I talked to my counselor today and she suggested going to the Tutoring Center and reaching out to the advisors or the professor. I am thinking of reaching out to the professor this week to see if there are ways to catch up but I feel like I’m already quite behind. I want to have access to the counselors and perhaps look into the psychiatrist services on campus but I know that if I withdraw I likely will not be able to. So I’m trying to stay in the class, but my anxiety is causing me to feel overwhelmed. I just feel like I’m struggling a lot just to work on daily tasks and even though I feel okay there is still a lot of anxiety in me that makes it hard to focus on things and I have to battle that. Even though my days have been going okay with the looser schedule and I have more time to take a break from classes, I still have this restlessness that is difficult to get rid of. I try to focus on the positive and seek out resources that help, but the anxiety is still very prominent and it can be straining sometimes. I wish there was a way to let go of the anxiety a bit.

    #341182

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    “I wish there was a way to let go of the anxiety a bit”- you need immediate relief, if you are to stay enrolled in Organic Chemistry. A psychiatric medication may give you that immediate relief that you need. It has done so for many people. Sure, counseling, meditations, responsible exercise, nutrition and so forth are better solutions, a multi-disciplinary approach that does not involve introduction of powerful chemicals to the brain/ body.

    But you have attended these things already and your anxiety escalated regardless and has been high for too long. So maybe a chemical intervention will work for you quickly. Why don’t you make a appointment with a psychiatrist ASAP?

    anita

    #341188

    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    The counselor said that I would need to go through insurance to pick up prescriptions if the psychiatrist referred me to them. The thing is that the insurance I have is under my parents and I am afraid of having them find out if they receive a bill. I rather pay out-of-pocket if I can afford it. My parents found out about me using insurance to get labwork done once because I needed to go for labwork to check my health when I was recovering from anorexia and they yelled at me for spending money. They often think that mental health is mostly about willpower where if a person focuses on the positive they will power through and they don’t really need to go to therapy. They think that therapy is more of a luxury than a necessity which I disagree with. I called the insurance company today to see how I can check the costs of prescriptions and they said that it depends on the prescription name and type since there are some that are covered and there are some that aren’t covered so I would need to have the psychiatrist prescribe the medication first and then ask them about coverage. If it is not covered, there may be higher out of pocket costs, but there is a chance that the psychiatrist can help work out a sliding scale of what I may be able to pay based on the fact that I am a student who only makes a few bucks doing deliveries for my parents. Likewise, if the prescription isn’t covered and there is a chance that I can pay for it out of pocket then I will be able to get help for my anxiety without my parents knowledge. However if the insurance covers the prescription the costs will likely be lower, but there is a chance that if I go through the insurance my parents will find out. So I feel like I’m facing a problem with making the decision. I want to see the psychiatrist and I think medication would be helpful but I hope that my parents don’t find out or they will likely just emotionally hurt me by yelling at me.

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