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Too Criticizing of Myself

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  • #341196
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    Regarding your parents who don’t believe in mental health being anything more than a weak will power, how have they been responding to your transgender issue- the binder for one, do they yell at you for it, tolerate it???

    I am asking because I am trying to understand their position, at this point.

    anita

    #341202
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    The first time I received a binder from my college friend at community college, they yelled at me and said that I was wasting my time with a chest binder. They said that dressing as a guy and wearing a chest binder didn’t qualify me as masculine and I was just going through a phase. They threw my first chest binder out and tried to make me wear sports bras saying they were the same thing. It made me feel really sad and I talked with the friend who gave me the binder because I felt sad about it and she was supportive about it and got me another chest binder which I hid from my parents. I mostly keep my therapy appointment notes and transgender resources in my backpack which I carry around with me to keep it safe. I recently had a transgender flag (pink, white and blue) that I used as a bookmark for a book and they threw it out. They still don’t understand chest binders currently but they have been helping me wash them when I am busy with school work. After I had an intense argument with them, they decided to just ignore it and treat it as an article of clothing. I don’t think that they want to acknowledge that it is a chest binder or that I got it from my LGBTQ friends, they just act like its a piece of clothing. Sometimes after washing it, they will put it deep down in a drawer and I think that they want me to forget about it but I don’t so I go looking for it. Having the chest binder on makes me feel a bit better rather than not having one on. I don’t think that they are very accepting of my gender identity or the issue of me dealing with mental health. When I was anorexic due to trying to control how my body looked like I reached the point where my hands were purple and stiff and I was constantly wanting to workout and skip meals and they didn’t really do much. They yelled at me saying that I was being irresponsible and causing this on myself that if I could just focus on the good things or had more things to do than my mind wouldn’t be that way.

    #341208
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    It is almost unbelievable that in this day and age, a set of parents can be so ignorant and uneducated. I suggest that you inquire about the possibility of a counselor in Stockton or an LGBT counselor or volunteer who has experience talking to parents of LGTS young people, making an appointment with your parents and explain to them a few basic things, such as that there is such as a thing as a (huge) mental crisis in the world and that schools, universities, community resources, governments of many countries… all address the world wide  mental crisis which your parents completely deny!!!

    Some professional needs to explain to them that mental health illnesses and challenges are not Fantasy, but a real and painful Reality!!!

    anita

    #341352
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    It is difficult when my parents were born in the 1960s and their traditional Asian culture didn’t acknowledge LGBTQ people, so they likely adopted the values of their culture. Same-sex marriage was just legalized in 1997 in Beijing (wikipedia) and LGBTQ people still have struggles in China. Although LGBTQ people have been around and documented since the Qing Dynasty (around 1644 and the first written record of the beginning of the Chinese empire), the LGBTQ community has been largely ignored by Chinese officials and many of them face persecution so they didn’t come out to anyone and it was largely hidden. According to wikipedia, the current Chinese president Xi Jinping isn’t really for the LGBTQ community either and although currently the situation has become better with more people tolerating LGBTQ people, Beijing is making progress but there is still a lot of opposition. I think that I read in an online article that the LGB community is gaining ground in acceptance because Beijing created the LGBTQ center around 2003. LGB people  are likely to be more readily accepted by people because lesbian, gay and bisexual deals with sexual attraction and people seem okay with the fact that people can be attracted to different people, but when it comes to gender people are more reluctant to realize that there are genders outside the binary of male and female because it seems like such a large concept.

    Even though the LGB people  are gaining ground in China because of the new LGBTQ center in Beijing, there are still struggles and the transgender community has the most struggle since they are still largely opressed because many Asian cultures are Confucius which talks about family relationships and the higher status of the male so transgender people are looked down upon because they feel as if they don’t fit into a specific role for them.

    #341356
    Janus
    Participant

    This may explain why it is so hard to find acceptance in my family and why it’s hard to explain to them who I am as a person. Even though I was born in America and have access to reach out for resources, my family came here from Fuzhou which is a Chinese city in the province of Fujian which is southeast Asia. It has been harder for them because they know I’ve been attending pride groups and therapy and considering to transition and they feel they are losing the person they knew as a child. They worry about my education and think that it is a result of these pride groups that have affected me to become transgender, but that’s not the case. They think I am selfish that I don’t appreciate the life they gave me and want to live what they think is someone else’s life. Even though I’m the same person, just a different body and I want to become the person I was meant to be as a male. They think I’m ruining my life by being depressed and making the wrong choices in life even though I’ve tried explaining to them that being transgender is who I am. I even told them in terms that they understand that I know that this is me becoming my true self and I want to be happy. I don’t want to live my life living in the wrong body but it’s still hard to get them to accept it. They have been telling me that they think the pride groups are interfering with my education and turning me into bad, irresponsible person. I feel like I am losing my family, but I never felt like I had them in the first place. I feel frustrated that they won’t support me in my transitioning, but I’m happy to have the resources to help me. If I had more financial backing and could continue my college education if I transitioned I would do it sooner. I feel like my family and I no longer trust each other and the emotional bond between us has been broken and in some ways I’m okay with it because I’ll try to find a way to be myself, but in other ways I feel numb like I’ve lost a part of me because I no longer have the supportive ground I knew and relied on for so long.

    #341358
    Janus
    Participant

    One of my posts contained links so it might not have uploaded because I think that if a person adds links to their posts for reference, they need to be approved before it can be posted. So I decided to do that post in plaintext instead.
    Before I explained my gender identity to my parents, I looked into any barriers that I might come across when I explained it to them and the main one was culture because they are deeply rooted in their Asian culture, so I researched the LGBTQ people in Asian culture especially transgender people to see how they were perceived to prepare myself.

     

    I did some research on transgender people in China and discovered that most Asian societies have intense transphobia. There aren’t that many openly transgender people in Asian societies and 43% of people believe transgender people have a mental illness. In theater and performing arts history,  men often played the parts of women because women weren’t allowed to act on stage before 1978. There are many cases of actors cross-dressing when performing different scenes requiring different genders, but it seems like they were part of a performance rather than actually being transgender. The Beijing LGBT center created in 1990 (rennovated in 2003) combats discrimination against LGBT people and is the most recent advancement in equality. The internet became accessible to Beijing in 1998 and has helped LGBT people share their stories and connect with others. Also in 2016, a UN report listed only 15% of transgender people in China have come out to their families. But there is an estimate of 4 million people in China who are transgender. Some people also struggle with understanding the difference between gender, birth sex and sexual orientation and it is hard to explain to them. According to an article published by Chloe Sargeant on the results of a survey done by transgender people being accepted from Beijing LGBT Center says 90% transgender people’s families couldn’t accept who they are. Many others said that financial barriers kept them from seeking hormones or getting surgery, only 6% of people said they could access hormone therapy in China.

     

    Wikipedia source

    thediplomat.com source

    China’s First Report on Trans and Gender Diverse People Paits a Heartbreaking Picture_ Chloe Sargeant online article

    • This reply was modified 4 years ago by Janus.
    #341376
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    I expressed outrage yesterday at your parents not because they don’t accept you as a transgender or that they don’t accept the LGBTQ community (I didn’t expect them to be that progressive), but because they are don’t believe that there is such a thing as mental health issues, and they are against you getting help for your mental health issues, particularly your significant, sometimes severe anxiety. Not only do they deny that you need mental health help, not only do they object to you getting such help, they add to your already significant (sometimes severe) anxiety by yelling at you!

    Can’t they see that you are so very anxious so often, can’t they see that you are suffering.. don’t they care?

    anita

     

    #341588
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I have a gender therapist appointment at 12pm today and hoping that it goes well. I don’t think that my parents acknowledge how severe the anxiety gets at times. They aren’t very good at being supportive of me emotionally. Whenever I feel really upset in life and I try to talk with them on how I feel they will interrupt me with their thoughts while I’m talking and it feels like I’m not being heard. For example, I will start telling them about something that has been bothering me and they will listen for only five minutes and then they will say “Well, if you didn’t think about the negative thoughts then maybe you would be more positive.” Or “You have nothing to be sad/anxious about because there are other people less fortunate than you.”

    I know that there are people who are homeless or starving, and they feel pain but their pain is different from the emotional pain that I feel and trying to compare the pain I feel and saying that others have it worse feels like they are invalidating my feelings by saying that mine isn’t as bad as others. Although there are people who may be struggling physically in life, I feel like their pain is based on their circumstances that can change while my pain is more internal because my parents don’t acknowledge my feelings. Both pains are valid, but I think that the emotional pain is worse because the person is fighting themselves and trying to improve themselves and that’s hard whereas the external environment can change if a person gets shelter, food or clothing. And when they say that things could change for the positive if I only focus on the positive, it feels like they are just ignoring the fact that there are negative things that can cause people pain and it takes time to heal from the negativity, just thinking about positive thoughts is only a small stepping stone when you are dealing with a current of thoughts and habits that you want to change and it takes time to build the bridge.

    Or if I am talking with them, they’ll yell at me things like “you can’t think that way because you don’t fit into this world. You bring this on yourself by being different.” And I find this quite straining because as a transgender guy, sometimes my dysphoria makes me feel isolated from the world because I want to be seen as a guy. But since I wasn’t born a guy, I feel like when I’m around cisgender guys (guys who are born as guys and identify as a guy), I don’t fit in. And when I’m around cisgender females (women born as women and identify as women), I don’t feel like I belong either. So their comments are quite hurtful. I find refuge in the LGBTQ community because there are others who are struggling like me. That’s one of the places I feel like I can be myself. I also enjoy tinybuddha.com because I can talk about my feelings. I just wish that the LGBTQ community lived closer to Brick, NJ but since that is a small town I don’t think there’s many groups. The closest I found was in Toms River, two towns away. I am grateful that Stockton University in Galloway,  NJ has LGBTQ support groups as well. Lately, I just feel like I would do anything to just lessen the anxiety that I feel because I feel like I’m constantly struggling just to live and keep myself focused on tasks but I will feel tired, muscle aches or just feel like I’m losing myself in a haze and watching the world pass by. Especially when I’m driving, I am aware of the roads and drive well, but I just feel like I’m not really engaged in the motions of it like I’m just an automaton and time seems to just fly by and I find myself sometimes wishing I could just leave myself behind and adopt a new body that doesn’t have anxiety and that doesn’t have gender dysphoria and then I realize that I’ve just felt like I’ve lost myself and trying to hang on at the end of the rope but it seems like the knot I tie to stay on so I don’t fall is breaking and I am falling and I don’t know what to do.

     

    #341602
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    “emotional pain is worse because.. external environment can change if a person gets shelter, food or clothing.. I find myself sometimes wishing I could leave myself behind and adopt a new body that doesn’t have anxiety and that doesn’t have gender dysphoria”-

    – you said it very well: the pain of being cold and hungry ends when sheltered and clothed, but there is no way to end anxiety, not for years of hard work (quality psychotherapy, meditation, moderate exercise, etc.).

    – you also said this very well: you first mentioned anxiety and after that, gender dysphoria (“a new body that doesn’t have anxiety and that doesn’t have gender dysphoria”)- first came the anxiety, then it attached itself to your gender.

    Unfortunately you get no emotional support from your parents, only the material support. Material support is very important of course, so continue to get it, but do not look for their emotional support anymore. When you keep hoping for emotional support from them, and keep trying to get it, you add to your anxiety because you get rejected again and again.. and yet again. So accept that there is no emotional support coming from them, not now, not ever. Continue to look for emotional support elsewhere.

    anita

     

    #342042
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I still have anxiety but it’s gotten a bit more manageable as I work on connecting to resources. I have an appointment with a gender therapist this upcoming Thursday March 12th. I also have a study group that is at 9am-11am on Wednesday 3/11 to help me work on building better study habits. Unfortunately I had to withdraw from Organic Chemistry because there was so much that I was working on that I couldn’t focus on the work. I likely won’t be able to access the counseling center, nutritionist or psychiatrist at Stockton since I am no longer currently enrolled in classes. I will still be able to partake in the support groups on campus though like the meditation group, anxiety group and the Transcendence group for transgender people because I am still a student and can go to the groups, but since I’m not in any classes I can’t have the other resources. I think that not being in classes will help me have time to work on my mental health because I will be able to spend time looking at resources. I can still spend time in the LGBTQ safe space on campus and go to the tutoring center at times to help me prepare for the fall 2020 semester. I did well in the fall 2019 semester with my classes, but this spring semester there was a lot of stresses and I was falling behind. At first, I was doing okay in my classes then I had to work on some car repairs since my car is my main transportation to campus and I started to fall behind in classes. I reached out to the professors and spent time in the tutoring center and was able to catch up. Then one of my LGBTQ friends attempted suicide and I was struggling so I reached out to the CARE program at Stockton which helped students struggling with mental health and the CARE program helped let my professors know that I was struggling. I also reached out to my mentor in Student Success Services to help me work on keeping up with the school work while also working with the CARE program on mental health. I managed to work through some things but there was still stresses. I decided to withdraw from genetics to give me more time to focus on Organic Chemistry and have a looser schedule and it worked for a while. However, as I was working on catching up, the tension between my parents and me got really intense and there were times when they were yelling at me a lot for the little things and I was feeling quite strained. I just felt like there was so much pressure this semester so that I decided to withdraw from all my classes. I think that I will spend the time talking with my advisors, working with the tutoring center, going to support groups and preparing for the fall 2020 semester. I don’t think that this spring semester was the best semester and I think that it’s time to work on building myself up for the fall 2020 semester. Hoping for advice, thank you.

    #342142
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    I will read your recent post and reply when I am back to the computer I about 12 hours from now.

    anita

    #342214
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    A summary of your recent post: you dropped out of Organic Chemistry, so now you are still a student in Stockton, but a student who is no longer enrolled in classes. As such you don’t have access to the counseling center,  but you do have access to the meditation group, anxiety group and the Transcendence group, and you “can still spend time in the LGBTQ safe space on campus”.

    While struggling with the Spring semester, you reached out to the CARE program at Stockton which helps students struggling with mental health and you reached out to Student Success Services which provided you a mentor for your studies. You dropped Genetics and most recently, you withdrew from Organic Chemistry. Your focus now is to work on your mental health and prepare for the Fall 2020 semester.

    You asked for my advice: reads like you are aware of all the resources on campus, you made contact with all possible people who can help you on campus and you are on your way to getting better. I hope your appointment with your gender therapist this coming Thursday is helpful to you.

    Like I suggested in my last post to you, your anxiety came first, then it attached itself to your gender. So what needs to be worked on is your anxiety, and the source of your anxiety is your early (and current) relationships with your emotionally distant, unsupportive and frequently yelling parents, with whom you still live.

    Because your parents are still yelling at you, it would be best if you found a way to live away from them. I understand that you don’t have the resources, but keep in mind that what is best for you is to no longer be exposed to your parents yelling at you. So if there is a way, don’t overlook it.

    anita

    #342658
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    I want to give you more of my input today. First I will quote from your thread beginning right after you started your Fall Semester at Stockton (the bold face feature is added by me), second- my input.

    Sept 18, 2019: “I have started Stockton University as a sophomore studying Biochemistry/Molecular Biology and Applied Physics. The campus is really peaceful… I am struggling with Organic Chemistry and thinking of withdrawing from that class… and retaking it in the Spring semester.. In the class, I feel like I’m falling behind because I am struggling to grasp the materials for the lab experiments and I am afraid that I cannot keep up. I have a student mentor who helps me, but it is still a difficult class.

    Sept 30:  “I began to realize that I wanted to become a genetic researcher because I wanted to study DNA structure and genes in hopes of possibly figuring out if certain genes could be changed without adverse effects on an individual. Because if genes in the DNA structure could be changed, perhaps transgender people could get the genes that regulate biological sex characteristics.. I think that this is why genetic research appeals to me so much because I want to help the transgender community. I think that the career path of genetic researcher is an expression of my authentic self.

    Oct 24:  “The labs are what’s most stressful about science classes.

    Oct 26: “I think that the stressful things about the labs is keeping the lab notebook organized and analyzing the data collected from the lab experiments. The professors for Organic Chemistry lab have their students create tables detailing the chemical and physical properties of the compounds they use in lab. During the lab experiments, students have to record the data they have in the lab notebooks and then use that data to write a lab report at the end of the experiment to summarize what they learned. I think that the stressful part is knowing what data to record in the lab notebook and how to read the chemical data sheets ..The lab notebooks have a specific format for the pages such as numbering and where each part goes and I worry about not getting the format of the lab notebooks correct and then having points taken off in lab because the lab notebook procedure and details need to be checked by the professor before students can work on the lab. In addition, each student has their own lab station and they conduct their own experiments which is cool, but can also be stressful because if a student struggles with the lab experiment then there isn’t a partner to help them. Students can ask other classmates for help and general guidelines, but the lab experiments are mostly conducted by themselves.

    Jan 2, 2020: “There are times when I think that I would also make a good spiritual counselor for the transgender community and with my poems I could spread positivity to them so I consider being a writer. The writing skills helps with lab reports and scientific research essays but I feel like I am more of a creative writer than an analytical writer which is why it takes more time for me to write lab reports than it does to write poetry even though I am interested in both science and spirituality poems. .. Although I enjoy learning about scientific studies and advances in scientific technology, sometimes the research reports that I have to write about the experiments for labs that I do can be stressful. I enjoy doing the laboratory experiments and learning new things about DNA structure and chemistry of the molecules in the body, but writing lab reports to analyze the results of the experiments and making sure all the data is reported accurately and in a specific format makes me anxious sometimes. Since I tend to be a creative person who likes to experiment and learn new things, I like the research and the lab experiments part but when it comes to analyzing the results and the graphs that I have of the data collected to put in a report I sometimes find myself doubting myself. I worry that I won’t be able to write the format of the report correctly and I worry that the results that I got may not be ideal and it makes me feel anxious that I am not as smart as the other students who are analyzing the lab data.

    Jan 25: “The librarians at Stockton are very helpful in helping students look for books for their research subjects or just to read to improve their knowledge in a field. The labs at Stockton are quite large and a bit intimidating for me because each student gets their own locker and drawer for their materials so that they can conduct their experiments. While I find it exciting to do research on my own and build my skills, I miss having a smaller lab and working with a partner like I used to at Ocean County Community college because I could check my work, but at Stockton each student does their own experiments.

    Feb 8: “I hope that my genetics class goes okay this semester because lab is a bit stressful but there is only one lab report that has a relatively simple format but working on understanding the data from genetics lab experiments to writing the fruit fly lab report is a bit stressful because I am not sure if I fully understand the data I collected and since I worked with a lab partner I am not sure if each of our notes seems to fit together because both of us will be submitting individual reports but the reports will have both our names on them. For Organic Chemistry lab, there is a lab report due after each experiment and the format for the lab reports are more complex but they aren’t too difficult to follow, Organic Chemistry labs usually have more steps compared to genetics labs. the professor and the classmates are very helpful for Organic Chemistry lab experiments and I find that I can work on them quite well.”

    Part 2, My input: it is probably a good idea that you print part 1 above (with or without the bold face feature) and show it to a professional in the field of scientific research, so to get the most reliable input regarding your compatibility with a scientific research career.

    Reads to me, that you were drawn to science for a variety of reasons, and one very attractive reason, or motivation, was to help the transgender community through genetic research. Problem is that to become a genetic researcher, you have to be comfortable in the lab. It reads online (targetjobs. co. uk/ careers- advice): “A research scientist’s work is almost entirely laboratory- based, with responsibilities that include:.. recording and analyzing data.. writing research papers, reports, reviews and summaries”.

    How can you be a genetic researcher if you are not comfortable in the lab.. if the lab is where you are most stressed  out?

    In other words, becoming a genetic researcher appealed to you on paper, that is, in theory; but following your real-life practical experience in the lab, you found out that your strength is not in the lab.

    In the same website I mentioned above, it says regarding skills required for science lab technicians and a research scientist: “meticulous attention to detail and accuracy, excellent written and oral communication skills, good teamwork”- and you have had difficult in the writing part and the team work in the lab.

    Your strength is in creative writing (this is why I refer to you as Poet), but not in analytical writing that has to fit a strict format, a laboratory writing.

    Regarding anxiety and performance: some people feel anxious in certain contexts and relaxed in other contexts. For example, I imagine you feel relaxed when you write poetry,  but you are anxious in the lab. Another person may be anxious when attempting to write a poem, but relaxed in the lab.

    I suggest that you consider a different major for the next semester in Stockton, or that you consider a specialized training elsewhere, aiming at a job or a career that will be compatible with you.

    anita

    #342998
    Janus
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    I have an appointment scheduled with an adviser at Stockton on Monday 3/16 and another one on Wednesday 3/18. I am hoping to talk with them about my struggles in the lab research and wondering if there are any advice that they have. I had my appointment with my gender therapist today and she was very compassionate and it made me feel better talking about things with her. She listened to me describing the anxiety and gender dysphoria as well as working with the Tutoring center on campus to work on school work. I found it helpful to talk about what anxiety and gender dysphoria felt like instead of holding onto it. I also mentioned that I journal on tinybuddha and I showed her some of the posts to help her understand that my parents weren’t accepting of it and what the struggles with gender dysphoria felt like. I have another appointment scheduled with the gender therapist on March 18th later in the day because my advising appointment is earlier. I’m hoping to work on reducing the anxiety and I have been using the LGBTQ safe space on campus and made some friends there. I might visit the career center on campus to work on talking about career options. I really like working with mental health but I’m not sure that I want to be a counselor. I like to learn about the brain and how it works and I really hope to help other transgender people who are struggling in life with their mental health. There was an LGBTQ mixer today at 4:30 pm on campus that I wanted to attend but I was working with my gender therapist and had some organization for my notes. I am thinking of emailing the LGBTQ coordinator on campus to see if there will be another one because it would be helpful since the LGBTQ mixer connects people to the LGBTQ community and also provides ideas of where to look for job or internship opportunities. Thank you so much for your advice Anita. I don’t know if I’ll change my major this late since I’m a junior and most of my classes are geared towards Biochemistry. Maybe I could ask the advisors when I talk with them on ideas. I feel like I’m connected to a lot of resources and that’s good, but I still have to tread lightly because of my parents disapproval. My main goal is to lessen the anxiety so that I can focus on things, I don’t think there are options to live away from my parents yet but I can spend time looking for support groups and spend more time getting connected so that I’m not feeling isolated when the school breaks come. The school breaks for winter break (December 21st-January 14th) and summer break (May 16th-September 3rd) can be stressful because I’m around my parents a lot. I have some self-help books that I have borrowed from the LGBTQ space on campus to read and they are helpful. The only resource I have during the breaks from school is online resources and some books I have. It’s hard for me to get connected to people in person when I’m not in school because I’m always around my parents who don’t think I need to go out places because it will waste gas so I’m limited to only online which can be isolating at times. I am working on learning reiki healing to help me with the stresses in life and I find that it helps, the meditation group on campus is helping me establish a meditation practice so that I can integrate reiki healing with it. I’m hoping that it abates some of the anxiety so I don’t slip into intense dysphoria and an eating disorder because I’m still healing from that. Have a great week Anita!

    #343006
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Janus, Earth Angel and Poet:

    I am glad your appointment with the gender therapist went well, and that you have another appointmet with her in six days. I am also glad that you made friends with other LGBTQ members that you have a safe space on campus. I  like the idea of you visiting the career center on campus “to work on talking abut career options”- that fits with my input to you in my earlier post Tuesday.

    “I really hope to help other transgender people who are struggling in life with their mental health”- I bet you can find ways to help, using your creative writing abilities as well as you being persistent, hard working and strong.

    I hope you get access to all the information provided in the LGBTQ mixer you missed today. “My main goal is to lessen the anxiety so that I can focus on things”- first priority is to lessen your anxiety, I say. And “looking for support groups and spend more time getting connected so that I’ not feeling isolated when the school breaks come” is an excellent plan. You need to spend the least amount of time possible around your parents. Next break starts in two months and four days, May 16th.

    I am impressed how hard you work to help yourself. I am proud of you!

    anita

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